Roxane Lehmann, Ph.D.

Season 5, Episodes 1 & 2, Today’s a New Beginning and First Days

Phil Gets It Right Twice Tonight

The Framework

With a nod to California Supreme Court’s recent ruling, Cam and Mitch both get down on one knee tonight in the season’s premier and say “yes” to a new beginning. Meanwhile Claire and Phil long for the time alone they had in the beginning. It takes some manipulating of kids (as well as their schedules) to coordinate Luke’s summer camp with Alex’s volunteering trip and Haley’s getaway to the beach. But they get it done and have a whole week without kids. And over at the Pritchett house, Manny is set to begin his first solo trip to Columbia. Gloria misses him before he’s gone. Jay misses him too – once he’s gone.

There were more new beginnings in the second half hour of the season’s premier. Claire goes to work at Jay’s company. Lily almost starts first grade. Cam gets hired as a coach for the football team. And Luke and Manny begin their freshman year of high school.

As Phil drops Luke off for his first day, there was this exchange between father and son:
Phil: Buddy, I know a new school can be scary. So a little advice: Every time you meet someone new, pay them a compliment. Like umm, “I love your hair.” “Awesome kicks.” “You have a beautiful smile.”
Luke (with a smirk): Okay, Dad, I’ll tell that big guy over there that he’s got a beautiful smile. … Could you maybe not walk me all the way in. I’ve got it from here.

Flipping the Frame: My Notes

Like Claire and Phil, sometimes we feel as though we can’t live with our kids one more minute. But as Gloria and Jay found, we always know deep down that we can’t live without them.

Guess what. Our teens have similar mixed messages running through their heads.

To grow up, our teens have to disentangle their identities from ours and develop a sense of independence. And the best way they know how to do this is to push us away: “I don’t need you telling me what to do anymore!” But even as they tell us to get out of their life, they’re sending us another message: “No matter how hard I push you away, please don’t let go.” This second message is easy to miss. But if you look closely, you’re bound to see it. For this kind of mixed messaging is a part of typical teen development.

We saw this double communication play out tonight. When Phil gave Luke some tips on making friends and fitting in, Luke gave him the cold shoulder. He had to. Luke’s drive for autonomy means that he can’t appreciate such help from his dad any more. If he did, he’d be setting himself up to be dependent on Phil – the guy he’s trying to be seen as (and eventually become) independent from.

But even though Luke rejected his dad’s advice, he didn’t ignore it. For as he left school that day, there was this exchange:
Big guy with the nice smile: See you tomorrow, Luke.
Luke (grinning): Not if I see you first. The two boys bump fists, and then Luke says: There it is. There’s that smile.

Phil who came to drive Luke home, hears his advice being put to use but says nothing. He simply smiles and nods his head. And as father and son walk to the car together, they too bump fists.

BottomLine

Cam: Today is a new beginning. And that can be scary.

This is part of Cam’s message meant to inspire his new football team. But his words have meaning for adolescents both on and off the field. Because being a teen is full of new and firsts. It can be confusing. Even scary. And during these times our teens can benefit from our sturdy presence.

Sometimes we need to offer advice to our teens. To not do so would be to abandon them. But often the minute we open our mouths and start making suggestions, our teens stop listening. They point out how wrongheaded our advice is. And if we continue, they get mad and accuse us of trying to run their life. They have to reject our advice. Like Luke, they can’t help it.

So what’s a mom to do?

– When you decide to offer advice, float your suggestions by your teen. By using a light, take-it-or-leave-it tone, you’re making it more likely that your teen will pay attention to your advice, take it with them, and use it later.

– Be prepared for your teen to reject your input. And try not to take the rejection personally. Because it’s not about you. It’s about your teen restoring their sense of independence. Plus rejecting your advice is not the same thing as ignoring it. I know it sounds crazy, but by rejecting your input – either by telling you how unhelpful your advice is or by becoming offended that you’re trying to control them – your teen is being freed up to use your advice later on.

– If you learn that your teen has put your advice to use, don’t dare try to claim credit for the idea. If you do, you’ll not get the gratitude you hoped for. Because your teen will have to pick a fight with you to reclaim their sense of independence. So instead of expecting to be thanked, be content in knowing that your teen has taken in some of your wisdom and used it in their quest to grow up. And just as important, know that you’ve strengthened and deepened the connection between the two of you.

Phil gets it right twice tonight. First when he spoke up and floated a helpful idea by Luke. And later when he just smiled and nodded his head.

Sources: Staying Connected to Your Teenager by Michal Riera

Flipping the Frame: Your Parenting Experiences

It helps to remember that your teen will outgrow this stage. Eventually they will be able to be more gracious when it comes to your advice. We were reminded of this in a scene at the end of tonight’s episode. It’s Claire’s first day working for her father. It’s late, but she is still at the office because the computer system has crashed, and Claire is indirectly responsible.
Jay: How’s the data entry coming?
Claire: Good. I’m up to 1998.
Jay: Ahh. That’s when I’d already been doing the job for 20 years.
Claire: So maybe I should listen to you.
Jay: Get you home a lot earlier.

How old were you when the way you dealt with your parents’ advice changed for the better?

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Season 4, Episode 6, Yard Sale

Claire Got It Wrong – On So Many Levels

The Framework
Where else but at a “Modern Family” yard sale could you see a man wearing a $10,000 watch, haggling over 15 cents? Where else could Phil be seen on both a streetstrider and a Harley and then admitting, I know I looked super cool [on the Harley] on the outside, but on the inside, I was terrified. And where else could there be this exchange between two men and a dog.
Man: You selling that potbellied pig?
Jay (to his dog): You’re not a pig. You’re Daddy’s little girl.

Yard Sale’s takeaway lesson seems to be about how things aren’t always what they look like on the surface. Two additional storylines remind that sometimes what’s seen on the surface can override everything else.

When a suitcase from Columbia that’s been stored in the attic turns out to have a puppet inside, Gloria is pressured to tell about her talent act as a ventriloquist years ago in a beauty pageant. In short, she froze and went totally silent during her act, but still won the competition. Imagine this when I was 18, she explains, pointing to her chest.

But it was the storyline that began with this exchange that caught and held my attention.
Cameron: Well, well, well. What is this all about? Is there a new man in Alex’s life?
Claire: Well, she certainly thinks so. Is there any way that boy is straight?
Mitchell: Ooh, what’s going on? Who are we looking at?
Claire: Uh, it’s Alex’s new “boyfriend” Michael.
Mitchell: What’s up with the air quotes?
Cameron: She thinks he’s gay.
Claire: Look, I like Michael. I really do. I just don’t want her to get her heart broken. When it comes to boys, her self-esteem is low enough as it is.

Flipping the Frame: My Notes
If Michael is gay, he’s not claiming it. And, even if her intentions were to save Alex from heartbreak, it was wrong – on so many levels – for Claire to try to pigeonhole him that way.

For starters, there is no formulaic way to determine if someone is gay or not. Just as straight folks don’t all act the same way, neither do people who are gay. Although Alex’s boyfriend was depicted with many of the traits we’ve come to think of as “gay,” the signals people send about their sexual orientation are often mixed and complex. This is especially true with teens who are still figuring out who they are.

Beyond that, as Mitchel pointed out, [Alex] is fourteen. No matter who that boy is, he’s not gonna last. Mitch is right. Almost all teen relationships will end in a breakup. Knowing this, it’s still usually wise to step back, remaining watchful but letting the process unfold. Because even though our teens may experience some emotional bumps and bruises along the way, when we interfere like Claire did, our teens are likely to reject our advice, and they’ll almost certainly resent our interference.

What’s a Mom to Do
Like other aspects of our teens’ social worlds, there are limits to what we can do when it comes to their romantic lives. Most of their social issues are best addressed by our teens learning gradually how to manage them for themselves.

We can help this process most by focusing on our own relationships with our teens rather than on meddling or making demands. Here are a few tips for staying connected and optimizing your influence by taking a collaborative approach before, during, and after a teen romance.

Share your values before their first romance. Even though some values may differ from one family to the next, most of us want our children to hold many of the same values when it comes to their romantic lives and sexual behavior. In her book “The Thinking Parent’s Guide to Talking Sense About Sex,“ Deborah Roffman suggests the following guiding principles about sexual behavior: It should be meaningful, it should occur in the context of a caring relationship, it should be freely chosen, it should be responsible, it should be private.

In addition, many parents don’t approve of teens having sexual intercourse, believing that it should be in the context of a deeply committed adult relationship. If this is your position, it’s critical that you say so. But remember, saying “no” is no guarantee that it won’t happen. So as Dr. Ruth Westheimer said years ago, “We need to teach kids everything and then encourage them to wait.”

Whatever our values, it’s important that we share them with our teens in ongoing conversations. Although it’s never too late, ideally these discussions begin before our teens start dating so that they will have our caring adult voice and perspective to guide their earliest actions and decisions. Because without them, our teens will have only their peers and the media to draw upon for guidance.

Beware of trying to control your teen’s romance. If you (like Claire) are tempted to step-in and interfere in your teen’s love life, remind yourself of what your teen may be getting out of the relationship. All romances offer some level of friendship and acceptance. Given all the changes of adolescence, this added security can be a real advantage for any teen, and for a more introverted teen like Alex it can be especially so.

If you’re worried about the intensity of your teen’s relationship, say so. But it’s wise to keep your comments focused on the changes you’ve noticed in your teen. For example, “You seem more tired than usual.” or “You missed your curfew again; that’s not like you.” or “I haven’t seen much of your other friends lately.” Float these observations by your teen with as much dispassion as you can muster. Because nothing cements a romantic relationship like a parent’s controlling rants.

Don’t shrug off the hurt of a breakup. Breakups can be harder on teens than for adults because teens don’t have the perspective or the fully developed identity that help adults manage the sadness, pain, and confusion of a breakup. So when teens are in a relationship that fails, they can feel devastated – even if the relationship lasted only a few months or a matter of weeks. This is true for boys as well as girls.

Although it can be difficult to watch our teens endure pain, experiences like these can help them gain perspective, learn about themselves, and build resilience. So it’s important that we don’t try to takeover their problems in an attempt to minimize their pain or preserve their self-esteem. But when they’re going through a breakup, they can use our quiet presence more than ever.

We can do small things to show that we care – such as making their favorite foods and making it easier for them to spend time with their friends. We can make a point of being around more and available to talk. And we can offer to take them out for coffee or ice cream so that we can be a sounding board as they process what they learned and how this shapes their future thinking. Remember, though, to only offer advice if you’re asked.

BottomLine
Claire interferes in Alex’s love life – and even gets Mitch and Cam to help – because she fears Alex can’t take the hurt of a breakup. As Claire put it, [Alex] is just sarcastic on the outside. Inside, she’s just a fragile little girl. But later, after the meddling, there’s this.
Alex: Well, I hope you’re both happy. Michael is not gay. Now he hates me. Thanks a lot.

In reality, dating can cause disconnect between our teens and us. It can even cause our teens to rebel. Or it can be an experience that helps our teens grow – strengthening their identity and adding to their wisdom for dealing with more serious relationships down the road. By staying involved without becoming controlling, we can minimize the chances for rebellion while boosting their chances for growth.

What are your thoughts?

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