Roxane Lehmann, Ph.D.

Modern Family: Season 6, Episode 2, Do Not Push

The Parents’ Pushes Feel More Like Shoves

The Framework
A lot of buttons get pushed on Modern Family tonight. There is a literal button in one of the storylines. But a lot of “getting under the skin” kind of button pushing happens tonight too – with parents and kids alike getting in on the action.

The Dunphys all tag along with Alex on a campus tour at Caltech. But Claire has her mind made up even before the tour begins.
Claire: Caltech is the perfect school.
Phil: For Claire.
Claire: And Alex! Come on we’re talking about one of the best schools in the country. Yes, it happens to be 45 minutes from our house … But with Alex the important thing is keeping her close for the next four years. After that I’m never going to see her unless she Skypes me from Neptune where she’s living in a bio-dome she invented.

Once on campus, Claire tries to sell Alex on the school – pushing buttons and getting pushed back in the process.
Claire: Wow! This place screams “Alex”… And check this out – a reflecting pool.
Alex: Great. Maybe you can see how crazy you’re being right now … You need to calm down. This is a college tour – not Oprah’s favorite things.
Claire: I’m just so impressed by this place. Aren’t you?
Alex: Of course, I am … But if you must know, I don’t like everything about it. Honestly, the only reason I took this tour today is so you won’t accuse me of not giving it a fair shot.
Claire: Why wouldn’t you want to go here?
Alex: I can’t believe you’re making me say this! It’s too close to home. I need to get away from you guys a little bit. Okay?

Meanwhile, Lily pushes a few buttons too when she draws a picture of herself and pastes it between her two dads in a photo that’s been on their mantel for years. As Cam explains: We are taking a new photo for above our mantel. Lily is not in the one up there now. And we started to get the impression that it was bothering her.

Now if they can just fix Lily’s smile.
Cam (looking at the first shot): Not bad. Let’s shakeout our faces.
Mitch (taking a peek): Why is she doing that with her face?
Cam: I don’t know. I’ve never seen such a weird, forced smile … I’m going to talk to her. I’ve been photographing her for years. We have a relationship … I’ll tell her that her smile is forced. It looks unnatural. And we’re not going home until we get what we need.
Mitch: A couple things: We are home. And that’s mean.
Cam: What’s your suggestion?
Mitch: We show her the photo and let her discover her weird smile on her own … Let’s do this gently. Okay?

But after looking at the umpteenth shot, Cam confides to Mitch: She looks like Pepper’s Pomeranian. We have to say something. And with that things go from bad to worse. The photo shoot ends with this exchange.
Lily: You mean I’m not beautiful?
Dads (in unison): No. That’s not what we’re saying. No.
Lily (stomping her foot): Just forget it. I don’t want to do this anymore. I’m an ugly monster, and I’m never coming out of my room again.

Flipping the Frame: My Notes
All of us have buttons that get pushed. And if you have a kid, you have at least one button pusher in your life. Our kids seem to instinctively know how to exasperate and worry us like nobody else can.

Moms today have more buttons for pushing than ever before. Because over the generations, we’ve assumed new responsibilities and become more and more psychologically invested in our kids. We tend to hold ourselves responsible for our kids’ physical well being – which, historically, is what parents have always worried about. But we also tend to hold ourselves responsible for our kids’ emotional health, their current happiness, and their future success.

On top of all this responsibility is our longing to feel connected and close to our kids. At some level most of us fear not being liked by them. Add to this the fact that many of the things we feel responsible for are outside of our control – especially once our kids become teens. In short, we moms have a lot of buttons. And they’re often hot.

BottomLine
After the photo shoot, Mitchell calls Claire who, of course, has some advice at the ready.
Claire: Mitchell, I say this with love … But when you became a parent, I knew this was going to become a problem for you because you like to control everything … Bottom line: It’s all going to work itself out. But if you [say something] and push her on it, she’s just going to push you away.

Children have buttons too, and kids of all ages are attuned to indications of disapproval from their parents. But teens’ buttons are especially hot. Picture the emotional centers of their brains as a whole bunch of exposed nerves. Like an exposed tooth root, even the slightest sensation gets exaggerated. Just a hint of disapproval can trigger a defensive response that looks nothing short of irrational.

Most of us have learned the hard way that our efforts to advise and protect often angers our teens. We know we’re treading on dangerous ground, so we try to tread lightly. Like Mitchell and Cam tonight, rather than coming right out and saying directly what’s on our mind, we try to be gentle.

But our gentleness often makes our teens even angrier. Because a big part of their job in growing-up is to prove to themselves (and to us) that they can make their own decisions. They see our advice as criticism of their ability to do their new job. And they feel compelled to show us that we – or at least our direction and advice – are often wrong.

Our teens don’t want our advice. They want our approval.

But what if we don’t approve? It’s our job to guide our teens.

What’s a Mom to Do?
There’s some truth in Claire’s advice to Mitchell tonight. Speaking up can be costly. We risk hurting our teen’s feelings in a way we didn’t intend. Or we might cause an argument, widening the distance that has been growing between the two of us.

Yet if we stay silent, who will help our teens learn how to make good decisions and do the right thing?

Below are some questions to help you determine if you’re staying silent when you should be speaking up.

Are health and safety at issue? If it involves your teen’s health or safety, it must be addressed.

Does it threaten respect, trust, or smooth family functioning? This includes issues about your teen staying in contact – calling to let you know when their plans have changed and answering when you call them.

Am I acting out my concerns by using subtext? When our intuition is telling us to say something but we know we’re treading on dangerous ground, it’s tempting to send indirect messages to our teens. Tonight’s photo-shoot with Lily and her dads provided some great illustrations of this. Sometimes we use indirect jokes and off-hand comments like Mitchell and Cam did to get our messages across. But more often we use body language and questions we already know the answer to

If you answered “yes” to any of these questions, you probably should be speaking up. But saying something to your teen doesn’t have to begin with offering advice. When we begin that way, we’re telling our teens we know what’s best for them – that we’ve got everything figured out before they’ve had a chance to think things through for themselves.

Instead, consider beginning by asking questions. Don’t make it an interrogation. Try to make the tone conversational. And as you listen, try to show genuine curiosity about how your teen sees things.

Sometimes this small change in the way we approach conversations with our teens can improve both our communication and our relationship with them. But if you try this and your teen still doesn’t respond the way you’d hoped, rest assured. Your opinion still matters to your teen. Their extreme reaction is proof of that.

For further reassurance, make an extra effort to notice what your teen is doing well and acknowledge it on a regular basis. This kind of specific and genuine praise is bound to add to the goodwill between you and your teen. And seeing how important your praise is to your teen is more evidence of just how much your opinion means to them.

Your Parenting Experiences
Seeing something in our child that reminds us of a “flaw” in ourselves is often one of our hottest buttons. Click here to see an example of this from tonight’s show. Have you ever had that button pushed?

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Modern Family: Season 6, Episode 1, Love is in the Air

Except Around Alex

The Framework
In tonight’s season-opener love is in the air. Just about everywhere.

It’s been three months since Cam and Mitchel got married, but Cam refuses to let the honeymoon end. Reminding Mitchel that it’s their third month-sary, he gifts him with another bouquet – in a house already so filled with flowers that Lily laments: I sure do miss when this house wasn’t full of bees.

Even Jay and Gloria stop sparring long enough to feel the love tonight. While over at the Dunphy’s it’s downright blissful. Complete with a butterfly fluttering around their breakfast table. There’s been no fighting. No issues. And no Alex. The family sums up their summer this way:
Phil: We are having…
Haley: the most perfect summer…
Luke: ever!

That is until Alex prematurely returns from her summer away building a college resume by building houses for the poor.
Alex: I got a ride home early. This has been the worst summer every! … Last night my tent ripped so I had to sleep under a plywood board leaning up against a van. Not that I could sleep with all the rats. And, by the way, if any of you start coughing-up blood, my bad. I think I brought back the plague.

And it’s almost like she did. Because everything changes. Right down to the butterfly – which is displaced by a dive-bombing bat. Of course, the household’s downward spiral is not lost on Alex who exclaims: You all are happier without me!

Flipping the Frame: My Notes
Why is Alex so darn moody? Many of us have asked the same thing about our kids once they hit adolescence.

For years teen moodiness was blamed on hormones. But thanks to brain imaging done since the 1990s, we now know that dramatic brain changes taking place during adolescence also play a role. Because these physical changes move in a long, slow wave from the rear to the front of the brain, the brain’s development is uneven – with the emotional regions of a teen’s brain maturing well before the other brain regions that are responsible for planning, judgment and self-control. The result is that teens are capable of very strong passions and emotions before they have the brakes to slow their reactions down.

BottomLine
Claire: You don’t think that Alex is the reason why we’re…
Phil: No. No, I don’t. We both knew that this charmed summer had to have a bump in it somewhere.
Claire(trying to reassure herself): Yeah. Yeah. It’s not like Alex coming home could suddenly throw off our whole happy mojo.

We’ve all been warned about teen mood swings. But that doesn’t prepare us for how it feels when the moodiness hits our own household. It can leave us questioning where we went wrong. And wondering how we possibly managed to raise this scowling, self-righteous, eye-rolling, door-slamming kid.

Truth be told, Claire was onto something when she wondered aloud whether Alex’s return had thrown off all their happy mojo. A moody teen can seem to suck the positive energy right out of a home.

What’s a Mom to Do?
It can help to remind ourselves that our teens’ mood swings are due more to nature than nurture. But this doesn’t let us totally off the hook. It’s still our job to help guide them through these rough patches of adolescence. Here are a few things to keep in mind when dealing with a moody teen.

Try to be patient – even when you’re not feeling particularly tolerant. Remember that the uneven development of their brains puts teens at the mercy of emotions that they cannot easily regulate and control. Teens may lash out at home because they’ve worked so hard to keep their emotions and feelings under control all day while they were at school.

Don’t give up or give in. While it’s true that there’s a biological limit to our teens’ ability to keep their emotions in check, it doesn’t mean that we should stop providing guidance. On the contrary, it’s our job to remind them that they can’t treat others badly even when they’re feeling crummy or cranky. But try to use a light touch as you go about it.

Keep a watchful eye out for warning signs of something more serious. Studies show that about 20% of teens have a serious mental health issue – with depression and anxiety among the most common. So we need to be vigilant.

It can be hard to tell typical teen angst from early signs of something more serious. So if you’re worried, try putting your teen’s behavior into perspective. Occasional outbursts of anger, grouchiness, and crying are normal. Some tension is typical too. However, moodiness that persists for two or more weeks should be taken seriously. So should falling grades, shunning friends, and refusing to participate in activities they once loved. Excessive anger and changes in eating or sleeping patterns are also things to watch out for. If you notice any of these symptoms, it’s wise to take your concerns to your pediatrician or family doctor.

Stay connected and keep the conversations going. Make sure your teen knows that they can talk to you about anything and that you will listen and work hard to really hear them. This is by far the most important thing we moms can do. It gives us the best chance to see a problem coming.

And as you keep an eye out for warning signs, also watch for signs of your teen’s caring, better self. For, as we were reminded tonight, even Alex at her most annoying has some endearing qualities. Also coax a hug with your teen when you can. Because, like Alex, our teens need to be reminded that they belong and that they’re loved.

Your Parenting Experiences
Claire reflecting on her family’s blissful summer comments: The Dunphys have had some great days. We just have a little trouble stringing them together.

How about your family – when was the last time you had a whole string of great days? What do you think kept the negativity away?

Sources: Beautiful Brains by David Dobbs in National Geographic (10/2011) Worried About a Moody Teen? by Elizabeth Bernstein in Wall Street Journal (6/2010)

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