Roxane Lehmann, Ph.D.

Modern Family: Season 5, Episode 6, The Help

The Dunphy Daughters Call to Claire for Help

The Framework
“Help” (some helpful, some not so much, and some way too much) is what tied the plotlines together tonight. Gloria hires a too-good-to-be-true nanny to help out around the house even though Jay and Manny seem dead-set against it. Mitch and Cam hire Pepper to help plan their dream wedding, but Pepper’s dreams are way over-the-top. And over at the Dunphy house, Phil’s recently widowed dad Frank has come for a visit because he’s a bit down-in-the-dumps. But when Phil and Jay try to help cheer him up with a night out on the town, Frank ends up hiring a hooker – by accident.

Meanwhile, Claire is looking for something that’ll help cut down the fighting between the girls.
Claire: Tension between Haley and Alex has been getting pretty high. So our solution was to move Haley down to the basement – which we were just about to do.
Phil: When my dad came out for a weekend visit.
Claire: Two weekends ago.

Claire is right to be concerned. Anger between the sisters is spilling out of their shared bedroom into the rest of the house. It overflows into the kitchen where the rest of the family is trying to enjoy breakfast.
Alex: You’re ruining my life!
Phil: These eggs are delicious.
Haley: What life?! Get out of my room!!
Claire: I put milk in them.
Alex: It’s not your room anymore!!
Luke: Well they sure are fluffy.
Haley: Mom!!!
Claire: I’m just going to go stand out in the yard.
Haley: Seriously, get out!!!
Alex: I told you it’s not your room.

Later the girl’s outbursts continue with this.
Haley: Gross!!! Those are my socks!!
Alex: They are not! Mom!!
Claire: I’m just going to pop outside.
Phil: I should get her a rake.

And this.
Haley: Mom! I’m going to throw-up! Alex’s hair smells like cheese.
Alex: It is not cheese!!! It is cruelty free, organic shampoo with traces of churned goats’ milk!
Haley: So cheese! (taking a whiff and then holding her nose) Ugh!!! I need a bucket!!!

Flipping the Frame: My Notes
It’s a given. Siblings will fight with each other. That’s just what they do.

The best way to keep brothers and sisters from fighting is to space them at least four years a part. Obviously, there’s nothing that can be done about this now, but it’s true. Siblings close in age (like Haley and Alex) fight more, and the fights seem to intensify as soon as the youngest becomes a teen. This is so for a gazillion reasons – competition, jealousy, differences in temperament all lead to clashes.

It drives us crazy to hear two kids we love acting so hateful to each other. So we often wade into the middle of the fight to try to stop it with something like this: “Each of you tell me, one at a time, what happened.” The problem is that the minute we step in, the issue totally changes. No matter what the original battle was about, it now becomes a competition to see who can win us to their side. And if we begin to arbitrate like a judge, we promote case pleading on both sides that can be endless. Plus the more often we step in, the more likely our kids are to call for our help – just like Haley and Alex did tonight in each of their squabbles.

What’s a Mom to Do
Usually our kids can resolve their issues in their own way. Their screaming might drive us crazy, but as long as there’s no threat of physical violence or emotional abuse, we can often facilitate this best by staying out of the way. (Claire, thanks for modeling this for us tonight. You were wise to step outside instead of stepping into your daughters’ fights.)

Sometimes, though, the fighting intensifies to the point that we have to step in. Below are some tips for stepping into the fray when you can’t ignore it.

– Separate them. Send the fighters to their own corners for a cooling off period – their own bedrooms or opposite corners of the house will do. Sometimes the space and time apart seems to be all that is needed. But separating them teaches them nothing, so if we want lasting results, we’ll often need to do more.
– Reconvene with them. When things have calmed down, direct the warring parties to another neutral place – for example, the kitchen table. Sit down with them, and listen to both sides without trying to judge who’s right and who’s wrong. Try instead to clarify the problem: “It sounds like you’re mad at Alex because you think she took your socks.” Ask both kids to offer a solution that might work for everybody involved. If they can’t come up with any ideas, suggest a solution. For example, if the teens are fighting over whose clothes belong to whom, you might suggest that they keep their things separate by always hanging them up or putting them in drawers when they’re not being worn. Each might also be responsible for doing their own laundry to further minimize the mix-up.
– Reinforce the family rules. Before you all get up from the table, remind your teens of the rules for fighting fairly. For starters, this should include that nothing physical is allowed – no hitting, pushing, shoving, or hair pulling. No damaging each other’s things. And no name-calling. This is also a good opportunity to ask for your teens’ input on these rules and how they’re enforced.

The BottomLine:
Claire (to the hooker she mistakes for a therapist): I’m just at my wit’s end with these two. (Hopeful) I don’t expect you have any experience with teenagers?

It’s not always the intensity of our kids’ fights that drives us crazy. Sometimes it’s the sheer number of the clashes that give us battle fatigue.

To reduce future fighting…
– Try to be evenhanded. Teens are especially quick to pick-up on preferential treatment. Although our teens may protest whenever they feel slighted, we’re wise not to try to prove them wrong. Because we can’t. In almost every family there’s going to be one child who needs more of something – our time, or attention, or resources. So rather than trying to treat our kids all the same, it’s better to assure our kids that we’ll try to always do our best to give them each what they need.
– Hold family meetings. Get together once a week as a family to give everyone a chance to air grievances and work out solutions together. This is also a good time to praise any negotiating or compromising you’ve noticed during the week. Reinforcing their positive behavior – perhaps even with a tangible reward sometimes – can help with future battles.
– Make time for one-on-ones. It’s never easy to find time alone with each child – and it can be especially difficult in large families. But our kids tend to resent each other less (and squabble less) when they feel that we value them as individuals. When we regularly make time to give each child our undivided attention – with special excursions or a few minutes on a daily bases – we are valuing their individuality and letting them know how important each relationship is to us.
– Model fair fights. Our highest form of influence in our kids’ lives is our day-to-day modeling. And our kids learn a lot about how to deal with disputes by watching and listening to us resolve issues with our spouse. So it’s important that we get it right. (Click here to read more about this in last week’s post. Claire, you too!)

Your Parenting Experiences
Some fights are easier than others for our kids to resolve on their own. What issues tend to require you to step in when your teens squabble?

Sources: Get Out of My Life by Anthony Wolf and webmd.com/parenting

---

I'd love to have you become a regular reader. Join my mailing list to be notified by email of new blog posts here. And if you enjoyed this post, please consider sharing it on Facebook below.

Season 5, Episodes 1 & 2, Today’s a New Beginning and First Days

Phil Gets It Right Twice Tonight

The Framework

With a nod to California Supreme Court’s recent ruling, Cam and Mitch both get down on one knee tonight in the season’s premier and say “yes” to a new beginning. Meanwhile Claire and Phil long for the time alone they had in the beginning. It takes some manipulating of kids (as well as their schedules) to coordinate Luke’s summer camp with Alex’s volunteering trip and Haley’s getaway to the beach. But they get it done and have a whole week without kids. And over at the Pritchett house, Manny is set to begin his first solo trip to Columbia. Gloria misses him before he’s gone. Jay misses him too – once he’s gone.

There were more new beginnings in the second half hour of the season’s premier. Claire goes to work at Jay’s company. Lily almost starts first grade. Cam gets hired as a coach for the football team. And Luke and Manny begin their freshman year of high school.

As Phil drops Luke off for his first day, there was this exchange between father and son:
Phil: Buddy, I know a new school can be scary. So a little advice: Every time you meet someone new, pay them a compliment. Like umm, “I love your hair.” “Awesome kicks.” “You have a beautiful smile.”
Luke (with a smirk): Okay, Dad, I’ll tell that big guy over there that he’s got a beautiful smile. … Could you maybe not walk me all the way in. I’ve got it from here.

Flipping the Frame: My Notes

Like Claire and Phil, sometimes we feel as though we can’t live with our kids one more minute. But as Gloria and Jay found, we always know deep down that we can’t live without them.

Guess what. Our teens have similar mixed messages running through their heads.

To grow up, our teens have to disentangle their identities from ours and develop a sense of independence. And the best way they know how to do this is to push us away: “I don’t need you telling me what to do anymore!” But even as they tell us to get out of their life, they’re sending us another message: “No matter how hard I push you away, please don’t let go.” This second message is easy to miss. But if you look closely, you’re bound to see it. For this kind of mixed messaging is a part of typical teen development.

We saw this double communication play out tonight. When Phil gave Luke some tips on making friends and fitting in, Luke gave him the cold shoulder. He had to. Luke’s drive for autonomy means that he can’t appreciate such help from his dad any more. If he did, he’d be setting himself up to be dependent on Phil – the guy he’s trying to be seen as (and eventually become) independent from.

But even though Luke rejected his dad’s advice, he didn’t ignore it. For as he left school that day, there was this exchange:
Big guy with the nice smile: See you tomorrow, Luke.
Luke (grinning): Not if I see you first. The two boys bump fists, and then Luke says: There it is. There’s that smile.

Phil who came to drive Luke home, hears his advice being put to use but says nothing. He simply smiles and nods his head. And as father and son walk to the car together, they too bump fists.

BottomLine

Cam: Today is a new beginning. And that can be scary.

This is part of Cam’s message meant to inspire his new football team. But his words have meaning for adolescents both on and off the field. Because being a teen is full of new and firsts. It can be confusing. Even scary. And during these times our teens can benefit from our sturdy presence.

Sometimes we need to offer advice to our teens. To not do so would be to abandon them. But often the minute we open our mouths and start making suggestions, our teens stop listening. They point out how wrongheaded our advice is. And if we continue, they get mad and accuse us of trying to run their life. They have to reject our advice. Like Luke, they can’t help it.

So what’s a mom to do?

– When you decide to offer advice, float your suggestions by your teen. By using a light, take-it-or-leave-it tone, you’re making it more likely that your teen will pay attention to your advice, take it with them, and use it later.

– Be prepared for your teen to reject your input. And try not to take the rejection personally. Because it’s not about you. It’s about your teen restoring their sense of independence. Plus rejecting your advice is not the same thing as ignoring it. I know it sounds crazy, but by rejecting your input – either by telling you how unhelpful your advice is or by becoming offended that you’re trying to control them – your teen is being freed up to use your advice later on.

– If you learn that your teen has put your advice to use, don’t dare try to claim credit for the idea. If you do, you’ll not get the gratitude you hoped for. Because your teen will have to pick a fight with you to reclaim their sense of independence. So instead of expecting to be thanked, be content in knowing that your teen has taken in some of your wisdom and used it in their quest to grow up. And just as important, know that you’ve strengthened and deepened the connection between the two of you.

Phil gets it right twice tonight. First when he spoke up and floated a helpful idea by Luke. And later when he just smiled and nodded his head.

Sources: Staying Connected to Your Teenager by Michal Riera

Flipping the Frame: Your Parenting Experiences

It helps to remember that your teen will outgrow this stage. Eventually they will be able to be more gracious when it comes to your advice. We were reminded of this in a scene at the end of tonight’s episode. It’s Claire’s first day working for her father. It’s late, but she is still at the office because the computer system has crashed, and Claire is indirectly responsible.
Jay: How’s the data entry coming?
Claire: Good. I’m up to 1998.
Jay: Ahh. That’s when I’d already been doing the job for 20 years.
Claire: So maybe I should listen to you.
Jay: Get you home a lot earlier.

How old were you when the way you dealt with your parents’ advice changed for the better?

---

I'd love to have you become a regular reader. Join my mailing list to be notified by email of new blog posts here. And if you enjoyed this post, please consider sharing it on Facebook below.