Roxane Lehmann, Ph.D.

Look Who’s Manipulating Now

Season 4, Episode 18

The Framework

Wow! There sure was a lot of manipulation tonight on “Modern Family.” Every house seemed to have some of it going on.

The Dunphy household had its share of it. Alex sweeps up spilled sugar as though she’s never used a broom in her life, and Haley complains that she can’t change a light bulb because the ceiling is too high. Observing all this, Phil becomes alarmed – not that his daughters are playing him for a fool but that they know nothing about house maintenance. And he decides it’s up to him to show them what a modern, self-sufficient woman looks like.

First he demonstrates how to use a stepstool to reach a light bulb before moving on to bigger things like how to restart a water heater. And that’s when he gets in over his head. After bemoaning (with mini flashlight in mouth) that he can’t get the crupid thing relit, he sends the girls on a concocted errand so that he can Skype his father on the down-low for help.

Over at the Pritchett house, Jay cons his way out of an event he’d promised Manny he’d attend by convincing Gloria that he’ll take care of baby Joe so that she and Manny can have some mother-son time. At first Gloria is delighted. But then she finds out what Jay knew all along: The event is a reading of “Moby Dick” which Manny gushes is going to be four hours you’ll never forget. In the end Gloria lies to escape the event, telling Manny the book reading is sold-out. But she doesn’t stop there. She has a couple more tricks up her sleeve:

The first is on Manny: I lied, but I earned that lie, Manny. I’m so sorry, but you know I’m always trying to do everything for everybody in this family.

The next on Jay: But you – you only do what’s good for you. Let me tell you something, Jay Pritchett, when it comes to raising kids, you get what you give.

Meanwhile Mitch is adamant that nobody in his house is going to be bullied. Suffice it to say that Mitch has suffered from this overt and meaner form of manipulation in the past. So when he learns about Milo – a kid at Lily’s school who’s been bullying anyone who tries to play a child version of handball on the playground – Mitch vows to get good at the game and give Milo a taste of his own medicine. And with Luke as his trainer, he does – drawing an audience of disapproving parents and teachers in the process. Of course, there were consequences:

Mitch (to camera): Cam’s gonna be doing drop-offs for a while.

Lily (forlornly): We got a letter.

There was even manipulation going on in the house bought for flipping. Because when it comes to making decisions about the renovation, Claire and Cam are mostly at odds. And they both use trickery to get their way. Cam uses a method he calls a Trojan Horse:

The key is I let Claire think she’s in charge. I hide what I want in something bigger and more expensive. Then, when she rejects that, we ‘compromise’ on what I wanted all along. … You know how I got Lily? I asked Mitchel for triplets.

But Claire is not to be outdone. She rattles off numbers about square footage and cost to rattle Cam and get her way:

I employ something I call the “number dump.” Yesterday I accidently said “elevendy-five.” (She also said “forty-twelve.” But who’s counting?)

Flipping the Frame: My Notes

Manipulation is a deliberate thought process. It takes advanced social skills to lie well and spin good stories, to con others into letting you do what you want, or to know how to push people’s buttons and intimidate. Manipulating is something kids grow into.

And, of course, as we saw tonight what adults model isn’t always stellar:

Phil fibs to get his daughters out of the house.

Jay cons his way out of a four-hour father-son event.

Gloria lies to Manny to get out of the same event and rationalizes as she tries to justify her lie. Then she gets up on her high horse and lays a guilt-trip on Jay to keep him on the defense.

Mitch, determined to give bullying Milo his comeuppance, uses shame in the form of sarcasm and putdowns to do it.

And Cam and Claire trick each other so they can each have their own way.

Truth be told, these characters aren’t all that different from the rest of us. Most of us occasionally manipulate a situation to advance our own cause. And our kids have probably seen some of it. Yet our best chance to make a difference in our children growing up to be trustworthy adults is to be straightforward and honest when we deal with others – especially when dealing with our own children.

The BottomLine

Handball trainer Luke to Mitch in the tag scene tonight:

Close your eyes. It’s okay; we’re off the court. And then just as Mitch lets down his guard, Luke knocks the water bottle out of his hand and hits him with this parting shot: You’re never off the court.

If you’re a parent, you’re a model. Like it or not, we cannot, not model. And we’re never really off the court. In fact, our day-to-day modeling is our highest form of influence in our children’s lives.

So to tell our children to be trustworthy and to be disappointed and scold them when they’re not, is all well and good. But we’re kidding ourselves if we think that this alone will teach our children not to be manipulative. Our words have meaning only when we practice them on a regular basis.

Flipping the Frame: Your Parenting Experiences

• What do you think the letter from Lily’s school said? If you were Milo’s parents what would you want the letter to say? How about if you were a parent of one of the kids watching from the sideline?

• There seemed to be a number of missed opportunities for setting a positive example tonight. For instance, Phil sent his daughters on an errand instead of modeling the rightness of asking for help when you get in over your head. What missed opportunities did you notice?

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Phil Takes Over His Kids’ Problems

Season 4, Episode 13

The Framework

Tonight’s episode begins with the three teens in the Dunphy household each struggling with their own problem:

Alex: I’m having my sweet 60’s-themed birthday party next week… Karen Sullivan heard about it and decided to have the same party. Tonight!

Luke: I accidentally called my teacher “mom.” My friend Ruben went around and told everybody.

Haley: Our neighbor is out of town, and she’s paying me to move her car on street cleaning days… How do I tell her that I snapped a branch off her beloved lemon tree?

Their father, Phil, offers to help, but it’s clear that the kids would prefer the help of their enforcer mom. Like Alex said: She gets results.

And with that, Phil – who obviously thinks of himself as a problem solver – springs into action, determined to earn some respect from his kids by taking care of their problems for them. He does a quick drive-by (Literally!) of each teen’s problem, trying to solve each with his charm. But he fails miserably. Here’s how Haley summed it up: Dad tried to fix all our problems and instead ruined all of our lives.

Phil is not done yet, though. He does an about face, going from a kill-em-with-kindness mode to “mob” methods of revenge. And with a logic that only works in sitcoms, everything that got worse is resolved in the end.

Flipping the Frame: My Notes

On the night Haley went to jail, we were reminded of the wisdom in helping our teens learn to solve their own problems. As Claire pointed out, if we keep solving their problems for them, we may find ourselves supporting them for the rest of their lives. Tonight’s Godfather-esque episode went to ludicrous lengths to clarify this pearl of wisdom: It’s not just that we shouldn’t solve our teens’ problems, it’s that we can’t.

When our kids were younger, we could solve their problems. We controlled all the action: We decided what they did, when they’d do it, and with whom. But with teens, we are no longer totally in-charge. And because we have less control, we have a lot less knowledge about their social lives, making it virtually impossible for us to solve our teens’ problems for them.

Now, it’s not that we’re supposed to be uninvolved. In fact, the largest and most comprehensive study of U.S. teens to date, found that feeling close to their parents is one of the strongest deterrents to dangerous risk-taking in teens. But study after study has shown that teens learn more and that the long-term outcomes are more favorable, when we guide their actions rather than try to control them.

Our new job, then, is to collaborate with our teens – to help them make good decisions and do the right thing. Seems manageable. Even straightforward. But there’s a catch…

Becoming independent is one of our teens’ most important developmental tasks as they grow from childhood into adulthood. Thus, their new job is to prove to us (and to themselves) that they don’t need us (or, at least, our direction and advice) anymore. That they can make their own decisions.

This means that the last thing teens want is a know-it-all parent: Someone who knows exactly how they feel before they’ve even figured it out themselves. Someone who always knows the answer before the question has even been asked. And it means that although we are a critical source of information for our teens – about relationships, values, sound decision making, and consequences of one’s actions – we are most influential when we help them to come up with their own answers.

BottomLine

We love our teens. We’re committed to them. And while none of us would endorse either of Phil’s unconventional approaches to helping his kids with their problems, we can identify with his real desire to help:

Phil: Guys, I’m right here. What do you need?

Like Phil, we want our kids to know that we’re here for them. And if they could tell us what they need, I think they’d often ask us to start by listening more.

We parents are often most helpful when we:

• Stay quiet and listen first. It’s tempting to jump in with quick advice and try to make everything okay or to scold them for getting themselves into such a mess. But we are most effective when we let our teens talk and vent first without trying to intervene.

Our quiet presence tells our teens that what they’re struggling with is a tough problem – that we don’t have an easy answer. And it tells them that we believe in them and respect their growing maturity and independence.

Sometimes our quiet presence is all they need. Sometimes all that will be left for us to do is to affirm their ability to solve their own problems and to support what they’ve decided to do.

• Ask questions. At other times our teens need a bit more than our silence. In these instances, instead of telling them what to do, try asking questions that will help them clarify their own thinking and explore the problem with your support:
– Can you tell me more about…?
– What have you already tried?
– How do you feel about…?
– What makes you think that…?
– Can you give me an example?

• Guide them to come to their own answers. Then use additional questions that will guide them to come up with their own answers:
– What do you think you should do?
– What have others done?
– How would that work?
– What would that look like?

• Remind them of their past success. One of the best ways that we can help our teens build confidence in their ability to solve their own problems is to be an historian of their past success. We can remind them of other similar problems – ones they struggled with before coming up with their own solutions that worked. Remember when… You weren’t at all sure that you’d be able to figure out what to do. But you did by…

Flipping the Frame: Your Parenting Experiences

• Are you the one in your household whom your teens turn to when they’re struggling with a problem? If so, why do you think they look to you?

• Have you found an especially good approach for supporting your teen when they’re struggling with a problem? What do you do?

• Has there been a time when your teen struggled with a problem and in the end came up with a solution on their own? As their historian, what words would you use to remind them of their past success?

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