MomsOnMonday: Prep for Parenting Your Modern Family
Posted on January 12th, 2015, 0 CommentsModern Family: Season 6, Episode 11, The Day We Almost Died
Claire is Controlling Even When She Tries Not to Be
The kids have Friday off from school, and as tonight’s episode opens the Dunphys are driving home from a trip to the pancake house. Phil is at the wheel, as laidback as ever, while Claire (predictably) acts like she owns all the controls.
Claire (phoning Mitchell): Mitch, hi. What? … (then to the kids riding in the back) I can’t hear him. I can’t even hear myself. Everybody just shut up!!!
With the noise under control, Claire now takes control of her conversation with Mitch.
Claire: I need you to send a gift to Mom for her birthday from the both of us.
Mitch: No, I did it last year.
Claire: I know, and I need you to do it again. Look, I’ve got a conference call at 1:20. Then Luke’s tutor comes to the house, 2:45 sales meeting, and I still gotta get Alex to judo.
Mitch: And yet you somehow find time to bitch at me. Wow! You really can have it all.
Then suddenly a big truck barrels through a stop sign, missing the Dunphy’s car by inches. No one gets hurt, but the brush with death leaves everyone shaken.
Claire and Phil respond to their near miss with death by changing how they think about control.
Phil (to his family): Something hit me this morning – when that truck didn’t hit me this morning. I have not been in control of my own life. But those days are done … And if me getting what I want inconveniences people a little, so be it.
Claire (confiding to Mitch): Do you know what I was doing when I almost died? … Scheduling my life down to the last minute. [But] today made me realize something. We are not control freaks. We don’t [need to] sweat the small stuff. Just let it go.
The Framework
Tonight’s episode is all about control. Parenting teens is too.
Some parents think they own the controls. And they use lectures and threats to try to keep it that way. Teens parented this way are likely to become secretive, dedicating all their energy to sneaking around and outsmarting their parents’ controlling tactics.
Other parents choose to relinquish almost all control. They place few demands on their teens and give them more freedom than they’ve earned or than they’re ready for. Teens parented this way often fail to learn that past behavior matters, and they are likely to get the impressions that they’re entitled to whatever they want.
BottomLine
Claire (to Phil): Oh, honey, you spent the whole day trying to control everything. And I spent the entire today trying not to. And neither way worked.
Neither way – trying to control everything or totally opting out – works when parenting teens either. But often our deepest desire to do what is right for our kids means that we (like Claire and Phil) lean too far in one directions or the other.
When our kids were younger, we controlled all the action. Many of us would like to maintain that same relationship. Like Claire, we’re controlling even when we’re trying not to be. After all those tactics worked really well for the first twelve years of our kids’ lives.
Sometimes, though, we lean too far in the other direction. We so value our close relationships with our teens that we become reluctant to set limits or discipline them. Lots of well-meaning moms fear they’ll lose their teen’s love if they make and enforce rules.
Separating from the control of adults (especially their parents) is the teen agenda. In the spirit of growing up, they cannot allow our old relationships with them to continue. If they did, they’d live with us forever.
Yet teens lack experience and their brains are still under construction. This means that they don’t always prioritize or foresee things the same way we adults do. So even though they’ll almost never tell us directly, our teens are counting on us to provide guidance by making rules, and they’re counting on us to hold them accountable when they mess-up.
What’s a Mom to Do?
We’re at our best when we parent from the middle of the control spectrum. From this sweet spot, we neither act like we own the controls nor relinquish the controls completely. Instead, we help our teens manage the controls.
To help you find your sweet spot, take a few minutes to think about the path you’re currently on with your teen. Then make a list of 10 things that would make the path a lot smoother – things that would make a huge difference for good in your family life.
Now go back and put a question mark next to any of the things on your list that would require your teen or someone else to change. Then put a “C” for control next to the things left unmarked. These are the things on that list that you have direct power to change.
Next look back at the things on the list labeled with a question mark. Which of those things can you affect or sway if you work hard to interact with care, sincerity, and persistence? Mark those things with an “I” for influence.
Truth be told, once our kids become teens we can only really control two things when it comes to their lives: We can control how we spend our resources on them. And, we can control much of what they do in our homes – if we’re there and paying attention.
Yet, as we give up control, we can gain power through our influence. This starts with staying connected to our teens because our influence can be no stronger than our connection with them. Then we must use our influence wisely by focusing on the things that really matter and directing our energy towards affecting those.
Your Parenting Experiences
In general, where do you think you are on the control spectrum? Are you more likely to want to take control, like Claire? Or are you more laidback, like Phil? Are you purposefully more hands-on about some things and more hands-off about others? What do you think your teen would say?
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MomsOnMonday: Prep for Parenting Your Modern Family
Posted on October 20th, 2014, 0 CommentsModern Family: Season 6, Episode 4, Marco Polo
The Adults Are “It”
The Framework
Tonight’s episode shares its name with a game in which someone is chosen to be “it” and, with eyes closed, tries to find and tag the other players using only call and response clues. It’s a kids’ game. But in all three households tonight it is the adults who are the clueless “it.”
Of course, it is Phil who literally gets into the game – in the pool, at the hotel where the Dunphys are staying while their house is being treated for mold. Claire too is “it” tonight – but in a less playful sense. She seems blind to the example she’s setting for her three kids.
Claire (to Haley and Luke): You know, when you don’t think about who’s in there before you, a hotel bath can be really quite relaxing. Do you know if Alex got my glass?
Alex (entering hotel room with glass): Your swipe-card wine.
Claire: Thank you … This magic juice is going to help mama turn that bathtub into a swim-up bar. And a bit later there’s this from a tipsy Claire: Oops. Butterfingers. I spilled my wine in the tub. Then pushing her swipe card toward Alex: Would you mind, Sweetie?
And over at the Pritchett’s, Jay and Gloria take turns being “it” – as neither seems to have a clue about how to parent a maturing Manny.
Manny: I know you were spying on me. Yes, I have a girlfriend. Let me save you some snooping. She’s smart. She’s a senior. She’s our high school’s “it” girl. And “it” dumped the captain of the basketball team for me.
Gloria (later to Jay as girlfriend arrives to pick-up Manny for the football game): That girl is too advanced for him … You go talk to her. Maybe you can put the fear of God in her.
Jay: What bust her windshield or break her pinky?
Gloria: I’ll go disconnect the security camera.
Later, when Manny returns home after the football game, there’s this.
Jay: Good game, champ. Then noting Manny’s downcast mood: You okay?
Manny: Yeah, just a little tired.
Jay: Hey, wait a second. Your team just won six straight. Let’s celebrate with a little scotch. You’re [15] old enough for your first sip.
Manny: She dumped me, Jay. She was just using me to make her old boyfriend jealous … My first girlfriend. She was perfect.
Jay: If you ask me, you’re lucky.
Manny: She dumped me by text while making out with her old boyfriend. I broke down crying. My charcoal ran like mascara. I had to be comforted by the other team’s mascot. Lucky?
Jay: Uhh, I’m not going to lie to you. It sucks. And sometimes it’s got to suck for a while. I just wish I could say some magic words or give you a hug and make it all go away.
As Manny goes, headfirst, in for a hug with Jay, Gloria appears in the background. Using his free hand, Jay signs to her about the breakup and that he’s got it all under control. Gloria silently mouths her appreciation to Jay and heads back up the stairs.
Manny: Can I still have a sip of that scotch like you said?
Gloria (suddenly reappears, emphatically signing to Jay): NO!
Jay (signs back to Gloria): Don’t be crazy. And then answers Manny: Okay. I just opened the bottle. Beautiful. Eighteen-year-old. Full bodied.
Manny (tearfully): Sam…
Flipping the Frame: My Notes
Despite what Claire may have said in the past to her kids about drinking responsibly, tonight her message was that alcohol makes everything better. Just like magic. And even though Gloria was frantically mouthing “No!” behind the scenes tonight, it was Jay’s message that got through to Manny: Alcohol can help you feel good when you want to celebrate and help you feel better when you’re down.
Regardless of how mixed messages are sent, they send conflicting information to our kids and cause confusion about what we really mean. And when it has to do with our kids’ health or safety, our messages need to be as clear as we can possibly make them. This is especially true for our messaging about underage drinking and drug use. Because these substances have risks specific to teens.
Compared to adults:
Teens are highly vulnerable to social influences. Alcohol companies know this and target our kids with slick ads in magazines and on TV. Plus our kids are paying attention as marijuana (both medical and recreational) becomes legal in more and more places.
Teens have lower tolerance levels. This means that they have to use more of the substance sooner to achieve the same effect. Another words, what one drink or one hit did, will take two or three sooner for a teen than it does for an adult.
They become dependent at lower doses. Because their brains are still developing, kids are faster at learning than adults are. And getting addicted is learned just like becoming fluent in a foreign language is learned.
They are at increased risk of problem use later. 1 in 4 people who begin smoking, drinking, or using any addictive substance before the age of 18 get addicted, compared to 1 in 25 who started using at age 21 or older.
Teens’ growing brains may be more vulnerable to longterm damaging effects. There is growing evidence that adolescent exposure to alcohol and drugs like marijuana may affect important connections in brain regions crucial for memory and learning.
BottomLine
Phil: It’s possible they misunderstood me…
Few parents still host “alcohol included” kid parties to celebrate big nights like homecoming and graduation. But plenty of us are sending mixed messages to our kids when it comes to alcohol – making it possible (even likely) for them to misunderstand us.
Some of us are on the fence. We acknowledge that drinking is illegal for teens and potentially dangerous. But we see it as a rite of passage and look the other way. Others of us (like Jay tonight) let our teens drink at home under our supervision. We hope that this will take away the illegal and rebellious lure of drinking and encourage sensible drinking behavior.
However, studies have shown that the more teens are allowed to drink at home, the more they drink outside of the home as well. What’s more, teens who drink on their own and those who drink under their parents’ watch all have an elevated risk of developing alcohol related problems. Plus additional studies have shown that parents’ messages regarding alcohol use while still at home affect their teens’ behavior when they go off to college: Kids whose parents disapprove completely of underage drinking, tend to engage in less drinking and less binge drinking once in college.
What’s a Mom to Do?
Most important are the examples we set in the decisions we make about what, when, and how much to use and the conversations we have before usage is even an issue.
Here are a few thoughts to keep in mind when you’re crafting your messages for your teen.
Have a zero tolerance policy. Part of being a teen is testing rules and their boundary lines. It’s a way for them to assert their growing independence. When we push the lines back (by allowing some use in some circumstances), we are inadvertently creating a greater distance before they get to the line they need to test.
Be crystal clear about your position on alcohol and drug use. The more vague our messages, the easier they are for our teens to ignore.
Use everyday media to spark conversations with your teen. Don’t think about this as “having the talk.” Instead, look for opportunities to have an ongoing conversation with your teen. When you see messaging on TV, on a billboard, or in a movie, ask your teen what they thing about the message and then share your thoughts.
Pair your verbal messaging with matching actions. Make it easier for your teen to make the right decisions and harder for them to make the wrong ones: Be awake when your teen returns home, call friends’ parents to make sure there’s supervision, and ask your teen to call and check-in when they’re out.
Make a point of sometimes hosting family celebrations where alcohol is not included. This will send a message to your teen that you (and other adults) can have fun without drinking.
As you relay your messages to your kids, remember teens often send mixed messages to us. The most common message is that they don’t care what we think or think much about what we say. In fact, nothing could be further from the truth. Parents are one of the biggest influences on their teens’ personal behavior – even when it doesn’t seem that way.
Your Parenting Experiences
One health message that seems to resonate with many teens is that their brains develop until their mid-20s and that their growing brains are more vulnerable to alcohol and other drugs. When you talk with your teen about your expectations around drinking and using drugs, what messages seem to resonate and make the most sense to them?
Sources and other Resources: This is Your Teen’s Brain on Marijuana by Jack Stein, PhD; Kids Need Straight Talk to Stay Safe By Steven Wallace at SADD; With Drinking, Parents’ Rules Do Affect Teens’ Choices by Michelle Trudeau, NPR; Adolescent Substance Use: America’s #1 Public Health Problem by CASA; Haley and the Champagne Flute from MomsOnMonday
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