Roxane Lehmann, Ph.D.

Modern Family: Season 6, Episode 10, Haley’s 21st Birthday

Claire Should’ve Left Herself Some Wiggle Room

The Framework
Tonight on “Modern Family” the adults all pitch-in to help Haley turn 21. Mitchell gets things started at the bar.
Mitch (bringing a round of drinks to the table): Haley, we are here for you tonight. (Then lifting his glass in a toast), To Haley’s first drink.

Haley chugs her drink while the others are still clinking glasses. Given all that we know about Haley, this fits. What’s odd is how she wound up spending her big night like this. She explains it this way: Yes, I’m a huge dork for celebrating my 21st with my family. But my mom was crazy excited to go to a bar with me.

As their night in the bar gets going, it becomes clear that Claire hopes this night out with her oldest child will signal her wish for a change in their relationship.
Claire (to Gloria and Haley): What are you two giggling about?
Gloria: She asked me…
Haley (interrupting): You don’t want to know. Trust me.
Claire: I do. I do. I do. Trust me.
Haley: No. You’ll just be all judgy because you want me to be a perfect little angel.
Claire: Oh, Honey, no. That’s not true … I want us to have a more adult relationship. I am sure that the reason my mom and I grew apart is that she never stopped treating me like a child. Come on, Haley. Let me in.

And just like that Claire gets her wish.
Haley: Okay. Fine. So we were laughing because we were playing “would you rather” and I said would you rather marry George Clooney or have the best sex of your life with Tom Hardy … I can’t believe I’m talking to my mom about this.
Claire: Honey, I told you, you’re a grown-up now. I’m going to respect your decisions and let you live your life. It’s the best present I can get you on your 21st birthday: my friendship and unconditional acceptance.

No sooner had mother and daughter clinked glasses to ratify their new relationship than Haley puts it to the test.
Haley: Oh, that means so much to me right now. You know why?
Claire: Why?
Haley: Because I want to get a tattoo tonight. And I was afraid you’d say “no.”
Gloria: Why? How could she say “no” after everything she just said to you?
Claire (looking for wiggle room): How could I say “no”? Is there a way?
Haley (taking this as a “yes”): Oh my God! This is the best present ever! Could tonight get any better?!

As Haley presses Claire for more, it’s evident that she’s hoping the night can get even better.
Haley: I want to [get matching tattoos] with you. Will you? … It could be like our special thing that we have for the rest of our lives. Just us.
Claire: That is so sweet.
Hailey: I mean it. I want to do it with you. Will you?
Claire: I can’t believe this, but I will. I will. I will because I love you. (Then hugging Haley tightly), I love you. I love you. I love you.

Flipping the Frame: My Notes
If there’s ever a time when our kids need a parent more than another buddy, it just might be on the eve of their 21st birthday. Because when kids turn 21, the law no longer stands in their way. They’re legal. And many celebrate the transition to legal drinking age by drinking. A LOT.

Studies indicate that about 85% of these partiers drink to dangerous levels with average blood alcohol concentrations of 0.17%. In fact, turning 21 has gotten lots of media attention because of the alcohol related deaths associated with the celebrations.

Although evidence suggests that young adults anticipate drinking excessively during their 21st celebrations, most of them drink more than they planned – with guys more likely than gals to do so. Those who end up drinking more than they expect to generally drink faster, consume more shots (as opposed to beer or wine), have more friends present to help keep the festivities going, and engage in more 21st birthday drinking traditions.

I tried to keep track of Haley’s drinks tonight and counted one shot and two mixed drinks. Like most of her peers, she celebrated with the harder stuff instead of wine or beer. But her tally of three drinks was much lower than the average number of drinks (10.7) consumed by most of those celebrating their 21st.

Celebrating with family also undoubtedly protected Haley from some of the “rite of passage” traditions that have become regular parts of 21st birthday parties. These often are dares to do things that range in risk from asking a room full of strangers to sing “Happy Birthday” to you or dancing on a table top to taking multiple frosting shots, drunk dialing the 21st person on your contact list, or drawing a tally mark on your arm for every drink and trying not to stop until you hit 21. (For more, click here.)

BottomLine
Claire: Phil, you’ve got to get down here right now and stop Haley from getting a tattoo!
Phil: What?! No, you stop her!
Claire: I can’t. I made a commitment to be her friend.
Phil: Why would you do that?
Claire: I don’t know. I was trying something.

The “something” Claire “was trying” was to relinquish her parental authority entirely and just be Haley’s friend. Once kids reach their teens and beyond, it’s a tempting thing for all of us to do. After all, like Claire, we love our kids. We want them to be happy. We don’t want to lose their love and our connection with them. And it can seem downright unkind to withhold our approval, our permission, and even our resources.

It’s so much easier to just go along with whatever they want to do – like a friend.

What’s a Mom to Do?
We have to be a mom first and a friend second. Keeping close, loving relationships with our kids is our most important job as a mom. And part of a loving relationship is the safety and security that comes when we set appropriate expectations and limits.

If there are times when you can be a mom and a friend, fine. But most kids still need our guidance more than they need another buddy – well into their 20s. And for many this is never truer than on their 21st birthday. Because the amount and style of drinking during these celebrations is often extreme, posing serious health risks for our kids.

Having fun is what turning 21 should be all about. But it’s our job to remind them to play safe. As their birthday approaches, you might get that conversation started by sending your young adult the “Top Ten 21st Birthday Survival Tips” created by Purdue University Student Wellness Center. Click here to see this page that comes complete with confetti.

In the meantime, remember that while we (like Claire) may wish to let the bond we share with our kids evolve and just be their friend, being a friend at all times hardly ever works well until kids have fully matured into their own adult lives. Until then we’re wise to leave ourselves some wiggle room.

Your Parenting Experiences
Tonight Claire made it clear that she wanted something more for Haley and herself than she had with her own mom.
Claire: I am sure that the reason my mom and I grew apart is that she never stopped treating me like a child.

What was your relationship like with your Mom when you were a young adult? How do you think this affects what you want for your own kids?

Sources and Resources: “Anticipated Versus Actual Consumption During 21st Birthday Celebrations” by H. Brister, R. Wetherill, & K. Fromme in the Journal of Studies on Alcohol; “Top Ten 21st Birthday Survival Tips” by Purdue University Student Health Center; “21 Ways to Celebrate Your 21st Birthday” at College Magazine.com

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Modern Family: Season 6, Episode 5, Won’t You Be Our Neighbor?

Mitch and Cam Overdo It

The Framework
Tonight in all three households the adults let their longings and anxieties push them over appropriate boundary lines. But it’s what happened with Lily that caught and kept my attention.

It’s Friday night and Lily has just returned from a school carnival with Cam.
Lily: I’m going to go do homework. Don’t knock unless it’s an actual emergency – not a spider.
Mitch: Mrs. Plank gave her homework on a weekend?!
Cam: I know! The woman is insane. But listen. I heard something in the glitter tattoo line … There’s an opening in Ms. Sparrow’s class.
Mitch: Oh my God, Cam! We need to get her in.
Cam: I know. We’re going in first thing tomorrow.

The dads are worried that school is stressing Lily out. Here’s their case in point.
Mitch (to Lily who’s holding up her poster of a frog’s lifecycle): Let’s see, sweetie … Good job!
Lily: Oh NO! I spelled “tadpole” wrong!
Cam: Oh, well now, that’s just one mistake.
Lily (tearing up her poster): Mrs. Plank doesn’t tolerate mistakes!

And with that, Mitch and Cam go to see Mrs. Plank.
Mrs. Plank: Is there a problem?
Cam: Not so much a problem. No.
Mitch: More of an opportunity for you to lighten your workload.
Mrs. Plank: Let me guess; you’ve heard there’s an opening in young Ms. Sparrow’s class.
Cam: Uhhh, well … we just stopped by in the neighborhood to say hi…
Mitch: …to say hello, and also … umm … about this opening in Ms. Sparrow’s class that you suggested for Lily. Is that something that you…
Cam: …you think would be a good idea?
Mrs. Plank: Parents are not allowed to choose their children’s teacher.
Mitch: No, and, of course, I would never suggest special treatment for Lily – even if she is a former orphan, a minority, and a daughter of two gay men.
Cam: That’s a big load on those little shoulders.
Mrs. Plank (writing BUFFOON on whiteboard): Are you suggesting that your daughter is at a disadvantage because she’s being raised by gay parents?
Mitch: Is it working?

Mrs. Plank adds an “S” to BUFFOON, and the dads switch tactics.
Cam: Uhh… Look, we just don’t think Lily responds to your teaching methods. We think she’d be happier in Ms. Sparrow’s class.
Mrs. Plank: We would all be happier in that new-aged drum circle she calls a classroom.
Cam: Okay. Well, we didn’t mean to offend you. We’re not saying you’re any worse than her.
Mrs. Plank: Than “she.” That’s proper English. It’s too bad Lily won’t learn it.
Mitch: So she can go?
Mrs. Plank: As far as I’m concerned she’s already gone. One more child left behind.
Cam: Lily will be fine. She’s going to have a chance to thrive in a more supportive classroom. You don’t need to worry about she.

But later when the dads share their good news with Lily (who’s playing with a friend in Ms. Sparrow’s class), there’s this.
Lily: I want to stay with Mrs. Plank.
Mitch: But why? Ms. Sparrow is so fun and creative.
Lily: I want to read and learn math.
Playmate: We do math.
Lily: Really? What’s two plus seven?
Playmate: Twenty-seven.
Mitch: No. No. It’s “nine.” But that’s an honest mistake, sweetheart.
Lily (to playmate): What do blue and yellow make?
Playmate: Blellow.
Lily (turning to her dads): You need to fix this.

Flipping the Frame: My Notes
Last week we saw Mitch way underparent. He was so wrapped up in his own worries that he totally missed what Lily was telling him about an incident in gym class that sounded a lot like bullying. Tonight he and Cam overparent as they team up and go to bat for Lily at school – about something that Lily doesn’t see as a problem.

The dads want Lily to be happy. To like school. They see her stress as a risk to her success at school. And they are determined to do something about it.

Part of being a parent is minimizing risks for our children. And it’s worrisome to see our kids unhappy or struggling. But when we rush in too quickly to shield our kids from struggles, we deprive them of experiences that can help them develop the skills and resilience they’ll need to deal with the much bigger difficulties they’re bound to face as they get older. Plus when we interfere because of our own worries and anxieties, we’re getting in the way of our kids’ most crucial task: developing their own sense of self – one distinct from us.

Our job is to know our children well enough to be able to figure out when to step in and when it’s better to step back and be watchful and available, while giving our kids a chance to manage the situation. Yes, we’ll probably be anxious. But we must keep our anxiety in check so that our kids can do their job: to grow and gradually become more independent.

BottomLine
Mitch (to Mrs. Plank): It seems that we forgot to talk to Lily before coming in to see you.

Getting our child’s take is important. But even if you’re hearing repeated complaints from your child that you believe warrant action, addressing concerns about their classroom can be tricky. You don’t want to come across as an overanxious, interfering pain.

What’s a Mom to Do?
Checkout these suggestions before you go to that meeting with the teacher.

Get your child’s take. Remember you’re not the one in the classroom. Think of this as a parent-teacher-child partnership.

Approach the relationship with respect. Treat the relationship the same way you would any other very important partnership in your life. Instead of lecturing the teacher about what’s wrong, begin by bringing up your concern and your hope that working together you can come up with ways to make the situation better. Keep your bring-it-up statement brief – something you can say in 20 seconds or less. Then ask for the teacher’s point of view.

Provide tangible details. Instead of your judgments (Like Cam’s We don’t think Lily responds to your teaching methods or “He’s bored” or “She’s having a terrible year”), give concrete examples of what you’re seeing and hearing. Think of the process as creating a dot-to-dot picture. You give the details (the dots) and then give the teacher a chance to connect them. Teachers (like the rest of us) are more likely to act on conclusions they’ve drawn for themselves.

Talk about what matters most. We tend to pester their teachers about grades (“Why’d she get a B?”). But dissecting each grade won’t instill a life-long love of learning and willingness to work hard – the traits most important for long-term academic success. So as you talk with the teacher, spend more time on the process of learning – your child’s self-directedness and preference for challenge. Their persistence and resilience. Because it’s how our kids view effort that will largely determine how much they ultimately achieve.

Agree on who, what, and when. Come up with a plan of action. Everybody in the partnership (parent, teacher, and child) should have a role. So ask what you can do to help. And set a time to follow up and check on progress.

The final scene of this storyline gives us one more reason not to overparent.
Mrs. Plank: I will take Lily back if you are able to tell me the object of this sentence. “Lily’s parents were wrong about Mrs. Plank.”
Cam (confused to Mitch): Do you know?
Mitch: I think the object is to humiliate us.
Mrs. Plank: Correct. See? I can teach anybody.

While her dads’ interfering tonight probably didn’t hurt Lily, it took a toll on Mitch and Cam. Overparenting is stressful and exhausting. Yes, the dad’s overdoing was comically over the top. But many of us are tempted to interfere more than we should. We think that with a bit more of a parental push we could turn out kids with lots of talents and secured futures.

The thing is, our kids notice when we overdo it. A few years back, researcher Ellen Galinsky asked 1,000 kids what they’d like to change most about their parents’ schedules. The top wish was for their parents to be less tired and stressed. And one of the most important things we can do to motivate our kids to be all they can be is to show them a version of adult life that is appealing enough to strive for.

Your Parenting Experiences
There are lots of different styles of teaching, and we can relate to some of our children’s teachers better than others. Cam handled his uneasy relationship with Lily’s teacher like this.
Cam (to camera): I call Mrs. Plank “Mrs. Crank” hahaha … I have the courage to say what others won’t.
Mitch: Behind her back.

What do you tend to do when you don’t readily relate to a teacher?

Sources and Resources: “Talking with Teachers” from PBS Parents; “Raising Successful Children” by Madeline Levine in the New York Times; “Helicopter Parents: Relax, your kids will be fine” in the Economist.

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