Roxane Lehmann, Ph.D.

Phil Takes Over His Kids’ Problems

Season 4, Episode 13

The Framework

Tonight’s episode begins with the three teens in the Dunphy household each struggling with their own problem:

Alex: I’m having my sweet 60’s-themed birthday party next week… Karen Sullivan heard about it and decided to have the same party. Tonight!

Luke: I accidentally called my teacher “mom.” My friend Ruben went around and told everybody.

Haley: Our neighbor is out of town, and she’s paying me to move her car on street cleaning days… How do I tell her that I snapped a branch off her beloved lemon tree?

Their father, Phil, offers to help, but it’s clear that the kids would prefer the help of their enforcer mom. Like Alex said: She gets results.

And with that, Phil – who obviously thinks of himself as a problem solver – springs into action, determined to earn some respect from his kids by taking care of their problems for them. He does a quick drive-by (Literally!) of each teen’s problem, trying to solve each with his charm. But he fails miserably. Here’s how Haley summed it up: Dad tried to fix all our problems and instead ruined all of our lives.

Phil is not done yet, though. He does an about face, going from a kill-em-with-kindness mode to “mob” methods of revenge. And with a logic that only works in sitcoms, everything that got worse is resolved in the end.

Flipping the Frame: My Notes

On the night Haley went to jail, we were reminded of the wisdom in helping our teens learn to solve their own problems. As Claire pointed out, if we keep solving their problems for them, we may find ourselves supporting them for the rest of their lives. Tonight’s Godfather-esque episode went to ludicrous lengths to clarify this pearl of wisdom: It’s not just that we shouldn’t solve our teens’ problems, it’s that we can’t.

When our kids were younger, we could solve their problems. We controlled all the action: We decided what they did, when they’d do it, and with whom. But with teens, we are no longer totally in-charge. And because we have less control, we have a lot less knowledge about their social lives, making it virtually impossible for us to solve our teens’ problems for them.

Now, it’s not that we’re supposed to be uninvolved. In fact, the largest and most comprehensive study of U.S. teens to date, found that feeling close to their parents is one of the strongest deterrents to dangerous risk-taking in teens. But study after study has shown that teens learn more and that the long-term outcomes are more favorable, when we guide their actions rather than try to control them.

Our new job, then, is to collaborate with our teens – to help them make good decisions and do the right thing. Seems manageable. Even straightforward. But there’s a catch…

Becoming independent is one of our teens’ most important developmental tasks as they grow from childhood into adulthood. Thus, their new job is to prove to us (and to themselves) that they don’t need us (or, at least, our direction and advice) anymore. That they can make their own decisions.

This means that the last thing teens want is a know-it-all parent: Someone who knows exactly how they feel before they’ve even figured it out themselves. Someone who always knows the answer before the question has even been asked. And it means that although we are a critical source of information for our teens – about relationships, values, sound decision making, and consequences of one’s actions – we are most influential when we help them to come up with their own answers.

BottomLine

We love our teens. We’re committed to them. And while none of us would endorse either of Phil’s unconventional approaches to helping his kids with their problems, we can identify with his real desire to help:

Phil: Guys, I’m right here. What do you need?

Like Phil, we want our kids to know that we’re here for them. And if they could tell us what they need, I think they’d often ask us to start by listening more.

We parents are often most helpful when we:

• Stay quiet and listen first. It’s tempting to jump in with quick advice and try to make everything okay or to scold them for getting themselves into such a mess. But we are most effective when we let our teens talk and vent first without trying to intervene.

Our quiet presence tells our teens that what they’re struggling with is a tough problem – that we don’t have an easy answer. And it tells them that we believe in them and respect their growing maturity and independence.

Sometimes our quiet presence is all they need. Sometimes all that will be left for us to do is to affirm their ability to solve their own problems and to support what they’ve decided to do.

• Ask questions. At other times our teens need a bit more than our silence. In these instances, instead of telling them what to do, try asking questions that will help them clarify their own thinking and explore the problem with your support:
– Can you tell me more about…?
– What have you already tried?
– How do you feel about…?
– What makes you think that…?
– Can you give me an example?

• Guide them to come to their own answers. Then use additional questions that will guide them to come up with their own answers:
– What do you think you should do?
– What have others done?
– How would that work?
– What would that look like?

• Remind them of their past success. One of the best ways that we can help our teens build confidence in their ability to solve their own problems is to be an historian of their past success. We can remind them of other similar problems – ones they struggled with before coming up with their own solutions that worked. Remember when… You weren’t at all sure that you’d be able to figure out what to do. But you did by…

Flipping the Frame: Your Parenting Experiences

• Are you the one in your household whom your teens turn to when they’re struggling with a problem? If so, why do you think they look to you?

• Have you found an especially good approach for supporting your teen when they’re struggling with a problem? What do you do?

• Has there been a time when your teen struggled with a problem and in the end came up with a solution on their own? As their historian, what words would you use to remind them of their past success?

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The Dunphy House Rules

Season 4, Episode 11

The Framework

Jay takes all the adults – Gloria, Claire, Phil, Cam, and Mitchell – to a hotel in Palm Springs for New Year’s Eve. The kids are left at home with Haley in charge; Alex is her backup. And as fourteen-year-old Luke’s plans for the evening unfold, it quickly becomes clear that it’s he, and not the much younger Lily, who is going to give his babysitting sisters a run for their money.

Within minutes of Luke’s girlfriend’s arrival, there’s this interchange:

Becca: Can I see your bedroom?
Luke: Well, I didn’t clean it for me.

The two head upstairs to Luke’s bedroom, thrusting his sisters into the uncomfortable role of parent figures as they try to catch-up and handle a situation that is moving way too fast.

Alex: Did you know this was happening?
Haley: I don’t even know what this is…
Alex: They’re going upstairs alone. Is that even allowed?
Haley: I don’t know.
Alex: Should we say something?
Haley: Like what?
Alex: Like it’s not okay.
Haley: Well maybe it is.
Alex: Is it?
Haley: I don’t know.
Alex: I just feel like we’re not doing our job as babysitters.

Eventually, the sisters decide that they must take action.

Alex: They’ve been in there forever. Do something! You’re in-charge! …
Haley: Huhhh! Fine.

And with that, the two girls head upstairs to knock on Luke’s bedroom door, initiating this give-and-take:

Luke: What do you want?!!
Haley: You have to keep your door open.
Luke: Why?
Haley: Well, why do you need it closed?
Luke: Because we’re going to make-out.
Haley: Ohhh… Ummm… Well, you can’t have your door closed.
Luke: Why? Do you want to watch or something?! That’s weird!
Alex: Ewww!
Haley: Of course, we don’t want to watch!
Luke: That’s perfect.

As Luke goes back in his bedroom and closes the door, his sisters are left standing on the other side in disbelief:

Haley: But you can’t… What do you…
Alex: What just happened?

If you were keeping score, you’d definitely have to give that round to Luke. But his sisters aren’t giving up. They climb the stairs again – this time with a plan in mind and a basketful of laundry in-hand:

Alex: So what’s the plan, Haley?
Haley: I’m going in. That’s our baby brother up there. I’m not ready for this: for girls with hormones! It’s gross!
Alex: But we can’t just barge-in…

And they don’t. Haley knocks first. Then, there’s this:

Haley: I’m coming in!
Luke: What are you doing?
Haley: Just putting away some laundry.
Luke: That’s a bra! And a tablecloth!
Becca: Can’t you do this later?
Haley: Excuse me? Does your mother know you’re here?
Becca: Yeah.
Haley: Big pause. No eye contact. I was so much better at this than you. You’re out!
Luke: No she’s not!
Haley: Yes she is! It’s late. You’re thirteen…
Alex: Fourteen.
Haley: Fourteen, and unless Nicole Bitchy here wants me to call her parents and tell them she’s lied…
Becca: I’d better go. Bye, Luke.
Luke: Wait! Why does she have to go?
Haley: Because I said so.
Luke: You’re not the boss!
Alex: Don’t talk back to your sister.
Luke (stomping off): Ohhh! I hate you!!!

Flipping the Frame: My Notes

As I watched Haley and Alex try to fill their parent’s shoes for one night, I found myself comparing their conversations and debates with those you and I might have on any given night – in our heads, with our spouses, or with our kids – as we try to stay ahead of the teen action in our homes. Especially when we’ve not had a chance to clarify our thinking in advance.

Actually, the sisters weren’t that bad as stand-in parents for a younger sib – especially one who unexpectedly invites his girlfriend over and promptly takes her to his room. Truth be told, I’m not sure I would have done much better in my early years of parenting a teen. Since then, though, I’ve learned a few tricks of the parenting trade – things that we (and the Dunphys) can do to make teen entertaining in our households go better all around:

• Develop a clear set of rules for teen entertaining. This is particularly true when it comes to their bedrooms because teens tend to think of their bedrooms as their own space. And things get confusing and frustrating for them when it seems that we parents let them have privacy one minute and take it away the next. We can help them feel respected by always knocking before entering their room (Good job Haley and Alex!) and by having a clear set of rules in place about privacy – rules that take into account our values and their maturity.

– Some parents require that bedroom doors be kept open and the lights on when teens have friends over. Others decide to make bedrooms totally off-limits. And yet others require only that the doors remain unlocked. Wherever you draw the line, be sure your teen knows what you expect and that they know the values about sexuality your expectations are based on.

– Without clear knowledge of our values, our teens are on their own with only their peers and the media culture to guide them. So while your teen may still argue and resist the rules, at least they’ll understand the values they are based on and have your caring, adult perspective to draw upon for guidance.

• Establish a greeting ritual. Greet your teen’s friends in a way that will make them feel welcome and feel your presence. Make friendly eye contact as they come in the door and greet them with a hug, a pat on the back, or a handshake.

• Float in and out of the teen entertainment scene. Doing a chore like laundry that requires occasionally passing through or by the teen scene will work. But delivering intermittent snacks can often work even better as a disguise for your check-ins. With each delivery you can linger briefly to ask a friendly question and assess the scene.

• Handle rule breaking with dispassion. If a house rule is broken or if you suspect a rule breaking, it usually works best to pull your teen aside to state your concern and ask some direct questions. And if a transgression has occurred, make the call with as much dispassion as you can muster. If you lose your cool, there’s not much chance that your teen’s reaction will be what you hope for. Because they’re bound to see your actions as an attempt to embarrass them – especially if their girlfriend or boyfriend is witnessing the scene.

The BottomLine

Regardless of how we parent, our teens see their job as figuring out how to get to do what they want. And because getting to do what they want basically boils down to dealing with us, we are at our best as a parent when we have clarified our thinking in advance. Staying ahead of the teen action in our homes means that we have thought through our values and have clear rules in place based on those values. We can then be prepared to monitor and follow through with appropriate consequences if the rules are broken.

But sometimes, in spite of our best efforts, we’re forced to play catch-up, our reactions are slowed-up, and we end-up confused and feeling totally inadequate as a parent. These are the times when our teens are likely to respond as Luke did – stomping out and shouting that they hate us.

And I’ve learned the hard way, that these are the times when it’s best to let them have the last word. The times when it’s best to say silently to ourselves – what Haley said aloud, what she has undoubtedly heard her mother Claire say on more than one occasion: You hate me now, but someday you’ll thank me.

Flipping the Frame: Your Parenting Experiences

• Have you come up with any strategies that work particularly well for monitoring teen entertainment in your home?

• Do you thinking dating teens should be allowed to entertain in their bedrooms? Does age matter?

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