Roxane Lehmann, Ph.D.

Modern Family: Season 6, Episode 10, Haley’s 21st Birthday

Claire Should’ve Left Herself Some Wiggle Room

The Framework
Tonight on “Modern Family” the adults all pitch-in to help Haley turn 21. Mitchell gets things started at the bar.
Mitch (bringing a round of drinks to the table): Haley, we are here for you tonight. (Then lifting his glass in a toast), To Haley’s first drink.

Haley chugs her drink while the others are still clinking glasses. Given all that we know about Haley, this fits. What’s odd is how she wound up spending her big night like this. She explains it this way: Yes, I’m a huge dork for celebrating my 21st with my family. But my mom was crazy excited to go to a bar with me.

As their night in the bar gets going, it becomes clear that Claire hopes this night out with her oldest child will signal her wish for a change in their relationship.
Claire (to Gloria and Haley): What are you two giggling about?
Gloria: She asked me…
Haley (interrupting): You don’t want to know. Trust me.
Claire: I do. I do. I do. Trust me.
Haley: No. You’ll just be all judgy because you want me to be a perfect little angel.
Claire: Oh, Honey, no. That’s not true … I want us to have a more adult relationship. I am sure that the reason my mom and I grew apart is that she never stopped treating me like a child. Come on, Haley. Let me in.

And just like that Claire gets her wish.
Haley: Okay. Fine. So we were laughing because we were playing “would you rather” and I said would you rather marry George Clooney or have the best sex of your life with Tom Hardy … I can’t believe I’m talking to my mom about this.
Claire: Honey, I told you, you’re a grown-up now. I’m going to respect your decisions and let you live your life. It’s the best present I can get you on your 21st birthday: my friendship and unconditional acceptance.

No sooner had mother and daughter clinked glasses to ratify their new relationship than Haley puts it to the test.
Haley: Oh, that means so much to me right now. You know why?
Claire: Why?
Haley: Because I want to get a tattoo tonight. And I was afraid you’d say “no.”
Gloria: Why? How could she say “no” after everything she just said to you?
Claire (looking for wiggle room): How could I say “no”? Is there a way?
Haley (taking this as a “yes”): Oh my God! This is the best present ever! Could tonight get any better?!

As Haley presses Claire for more, it’s evident that she’s hoping the night can get even better.
Haley: I want to [get matching tattoos] with you. Will you? … It could be like our special thing that we have for the rest of our lives. Just us.
Claire: That is so sweet.
Hailey: I mean it. I want to do it with you. Will you?
Claire: I can’t believe this, but I will. I will. I will because I love you. (Then hugging Haley tightly), I love you. I love you. I love you.

Flipping the Frame: My Notes
If there’s ever a time when our kids need a parent more than another buddy, it just might be on the eve of their 21st birthday. Because when kids turn 21, the law no longer stands in their way. They’re legal. And many celebrate the transition to legal drinking age by drinking. A LOT.

Studies indicate that about 85% of these partiers drink to dangerous levels with average blood alcohol concentrations of 0.17%. In fact, turning 21 has gotten lots of media attention because of the alcohol related deaths associated with the celebrations.

Although evidence suggests that young adults anticipate drinking excessively during their 21st celebrations, most of them drink more than they planned – with guys more likely than gals to do so. Those who end up drinking more than they expect to generally drink faster, consume more shots (as opposed to beer or wine), have more friends present to help keep the festivities going, and engage in more 21st birthday drinking traditions.

I tried to keep track of Haley’s drinks tonight and counted one shot and two mixed drinks. Like most of her peers, she celebrated with the harder stuff instead of wine or beer. But her tally of three drinks was much lower than the average number of drinks (10.7) consumed by most of those celebrating their 21st.

Celebrating with family also undoubtedly protected Haley from some of the “rite of passage” traditions that have become regular parts of 21st birthday parties. These often are dares to do things that range in risk from asking a room full of strangers to sing “Happy Birthday” to you or dancing on a table top to taking multiple frosting shots, drunk dialing the 21st person on your contact list, or drawing a tally mark on your arm for every drink and trying not to stop until you hit 21. (For more, click here.)

BottomLine
Claire: Phil, you’ve got to get down here right now and stop Haley from getting a tattoo!
Phil: What?! No, you stop her!
Claire: I can’t. I made a commitment to be her friend.
Phil: Why would you do that?
Claire: I don’t know. I was trying something.

The “something” Claire “was trying” was to relinquish her parental authority entirely and just be Haley’s friend. Once kids reach their teens and beyond, it’s a tempting thing for all of us to do. After all, like Claire, we love our kids. We want them to be happy. We don’t want to lose their love and our connection with them. And it can seem downright unkind to withhold our approval, our permission, and even our resources.

It’s so much easier to just go along with whatever they want to do – like a friend.

What’s a Mom to Do?
We have to be a mom first and a friend second. Keeping close, loving relationships with our kids is our most important job as a mom. And part of a loving relationship is the safety and security that comes when we set appropriate expectations and limits.

If there are times when you can be a mom and a friend, fine. But most kids still need our guidance more than they need another buddy – well into their 20s. And for many this is never truer than on their 21st birthday. Because the amount and style of drinking during these celebrations is often extreme, posing serious health risks for our kids.

Having fun is what turning 21 should be all about. But it’s our job to remind them to play safe. As their birthday approaches, you might get that conversation started by sending your young adult the “Top Ten 21st Birthday Survival Tips” created by Purdue University Student Wellness Center. Click here to see this page that comes complete with confetti.

In the meantime, remember that while we (like Claire) may wish to let the bond we share with our kids evolve and just be their friend, being a friend at all times hardly ever works well until kids have fully matured into their own adult lives. Until then we’re wise to leave ourselves some wiggle room.

Your Parenting Experiences
Tonight Claire made it clear that she wanted something more for Haley and herself than she had with her own mom.
Claire: I am sure that the reason my mom and I grew apart is that she never stopped treating me like a child.

What was your relationship like with your Mom when you were a young adult? How do you think this affects what you want for your own kids?

Sources and Resources: “Anticipated Versus Actual Consumption During 21st Birthday Celebrations” by H. Brister, R. Wetherill, & K. Fromme in the Journal of Studies on Alcohol; “Top Ten 21st Birthday Survival Tips” by Purdue University Student Health Center; “21 Ways to Celebrate Your 21st Birthday” at College Magazine.com

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Modern Family: Season 6, Episode 9, Strangers in the Night

Alex Has an Unbelievable Boyfriend

The Framework
Tonight all three households deal with “trust” and “truth” – the foundation trust is built on. Cam and Mitch get a fancy-schmancy couch to show Lily that they trust her enough to let them have one nice thing. And Jay accuses Manny of double crossing him, making it impossible for him to weasel his way out of attending a picnic with Gloria. But it’s over at the Dunphy’s where trust is most fully called into question.

It begins with this.
Haley (holding a long-stem rose): Look what someone left in our mailbox. Again.
Claire: That’s like our fifth one, isn’t it? It’s getting kind of creepy.
Haley: Oh, relax. It’s probably just from Victor – that flower delivery guy I dated.
Alex: Has it ever occurred to you that those flowers could be for me?
Phil: What do you mean?
Alex: I mean like from my boyfriend.
Phil: What?
Claire: You have a boyfriend? … Honey, it’s so exciting! Why didn’t you tell us?
Alex: Because I knew you’d get all weird and ask a million STUPID questions.
Claire (blurting): What did he look like? How did you meet him?
Alex: Okay. I’ll show you a photo (reaching for her phone). Well, I would but now my phone is not working. Oh, Oh, here he is (holding up an ad).
Phil: In the supermarket flier?
Alex: He’s a model.
Haley: Oh, wait! Wait! Your boyfriend is a model?
Claire (incredulously): Well, how did you meet him? There’s not much crossover for a National Honor Society student and a pork model.
Alex: Actually, it’s a really long story.

As Alex walks away, Phil, Claire, and Haley huddle.
Phil: That’s terrific news. I can’t believe she didn’t tell us about him.
Haley: Oh that’s what you can’t believe?
Phil: What do you mean?
Claire: Phil, it’s a little weird. I mean suddenly she has this boyfriend. She wants to show us a picture on her phone, but she can’t. And magically he’s in today’s paper. Huhh. I don’t even want to say it. Haley…
Haley: She’s making it up.

Later Claire and Phil seek Alex out to continue the conversation.
Claire: Your father and I think we owe you an apology … This morning when we didn’t think the rose could be for you, it seemed like maybe it hurt your feelings.
Alex: I guess. A little.
Claire: I am so sorry to make you feel bad. It’s completely believable that you would have an admirer … What we’re worried about is that we’ve created an environment in which you feel it’s necessary to…
Phil: Embell…
Claire: Fanta…
Phil: Exagger…
Alex: Oh my God! You guys don’t think [my boyfriend] is real!
Claire: Sweetheart, I remember the pressure there was to fit-in in high school.
Phil: So do I. And whether you try to fit-in by saying you fought a baby bear or by making up a boyfriend…
Alex: You guys are unbelievable! You really think I’m that pathetic that I have to create some imaginary boyfriend?! … Well, he’s real.

Flipping the Frame: My Notes
One of the most important aspects of parent teen communication is trust.

Teens want to feel trusted by their parents. Often their reasoning goes something like this: “You have to trust me. It’s a way you show you understand I’m not a little kid anymore.”

We parents also very much believe that trust is important. Our thinking typically goes something like this: “If we can’t trust them on this (whatever the current topic), then what can we trust them on?” We saw this with Claire and Phil tonight.
Claire: It makes me wonder about what else she’s making up. I’ve never met that girl she’s tutoring in math.
Phil: Me neither.
Claire: Because she doesn’t exist. There is no Esther Choi on earth who needs math tutoring.

While parents and teens alike value the trust between them, the reality is that from a teen’s perspective, it’s essential that some things be “none of our business.” This is how they carve out a social life and form an identity that is theirs alone – independent from that of their parents.

Thus, when our kids become teens, the straightforward dialogues we used to have with them when they were younger get a lot more complicated. And they use a variety of strategies to make the conversations complicated – complications that often take the form of evasions, omissions, distortions, and outright fabrications.

BottomLine
Alex (to her parents): Why am I even talking to you guys?! Leave!! Get out!!

Teens are outraged when we disbelieve them and they’re telling the truth. And they’re just as outraged when they’re not. Because if teens don’t feel trusted, they don’t feel respected either. And respect is like air to teens. If you take it away, it’s all they can think about.

They roll their eyes. They shout as they stomp away in a huff. And any remaining hope for a conversation goes with the slam of their bedroom door.

What’s a Mom to Do?
There is an art to talking with a teen. Below are some basic guidelines to help you keep the conversations going with your teen.

Stop to clarify. When our teens suddenly explode, we’re wise to consider the possibility that the conversation we think we’re having may actually be about something else entirely. Pausing can help you get your mind straight. And gentle probing can help you figure out why they stomped off in a huff. But it often pays to let them share what’s on their mind at their own pace. So be prepared for a bit of a wait.

When in doubt, say nothing. Not every teen comment requires a reply from us – at least not immediately. So reflect first and follow up later. (I’m talking to you too, Claire).

To learn more, ask. Because most teens view pleasing us as their number one job, most of their answers relay only what they think we want to hear. So be prepared with some probing follow-ups. (For example, “And then what happened?”)

Probe carefully, watching for their reaction. Don’t ask questions that come across as judgments. (Questions that begin with, “Why do you…?” tend to sound like accusations.) And don’t pummel them with questions either – as Claire did tonight. Instead be patient, leaving some space for silence between questions to make sure that they’re finished before asking your next question.

Know when to take a break and do it. Don’t stop just because they make you feel like you’re intruding. But sometimes you have to put a bookmark in your conversation and set a time for picking it up again later. Your teen will let you know when it’s time to take a break. You just have to do it.

Trust is something teens have to earn. But understanding “truth” – the foundation on which trust is built – requires a more fully developed sense of morality and a more fully developed prefrontal cortex. This development happens slowly as teens experiment and experience consequences.

Full maturation may take well into the twenties. Our job is to keep the conversations going so that we can stay involved and participate in the process. In the meantime, it’s wise to expect the truth. But don’t be surprised if you don’t always get it.

Your Parenting Experiences
Were there some things you considered “none of your parents’ business” when you were a teen? If so, what kinds of things were on that list? How about your kids – do you think that they withhold some kinds of information from you?

Sources and Resources: 7 Things Your Teenager Won’t Tell You by Jeniffer Lippincott & Robin Deutsch, Ph.D.; “Learning to Lie” by Po Bronson in the New York Times; Trust Me, Mom… by Roni Cohen-Sandler, Ph.D.; Get Out of My Life… by Anthony Wolf

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