Roxane Lehmann, Ph.D.

Modern Family: Season 6, Episode 22, Patriot Games

Alex Decides That Number One Is a Lonely Number

The Framework
Tonight the three modern families explore the various rights and traditions of our country. Gloria is about to take her citizenship test – because as Jay says: This country is all about freedom and opportunity and I want you to be a part of that – not to mention that he also longs for shorter lines going through customs at the airport. Mitch and Cam act on their right to assemble, protest – and incessantly whine. But my attention is held by the Dunphys as they participate in the American tradition of naming a winner.

The Dunphy storyline begins with the parents talking to the camera.
Claire: We were called into Principal Brown’s office one week before Alex’s graduation.
Phil: That can mean only one of two things: Either she’s gonna be valedictorian or they’re giving an award for sexiest dad.
Claire: We’re very proud of Alex.

As they wait to see the principal, Alex is beside herself with expectation, whistling like a teakettle.
Claire (admonishing): Honey.
Alex: I’m sorry. I just feel like my whole life has been building up to this point.

Moments later, though, everything changes as Alex’s rival for the number one spot, Sanjay, enters the principal’s office – accompanied by his parents.
Principal Brown: Well, Alex and Sanjay, after four years of spirited competition, I am very pleased to tell you that you are the Pali High Class of 2015 Co-valedictorians!
Sanjay: What do you mean “co-valedictorians”?
Principal: Well, I thought there might be some aggressive questions that, uh, made me nervous, and so I wrote down my remarks. Uh (Clearing throat) No, I’m not trying to ruin your lives. It’s just that your GPAs are tied to the thousandth of a decimal point.
Alex: I didn’t work my whole life for a tie!
Sanjay (scoffing): No offense, Principal Brown, but you were a teaching major.
I’d like to check the GPAs myself.
Phil: What is it with these two?
Sanjay’s mom: I agree with them. Ties are un-American. Would you be happy if the Super Bowl ended in a tie? There must be some way to determine who the best student is.

It turns out there is.
Cam: Well, it looks like you both have the same gym grade, but I do see here that neither of you have completed this semester’s mile run.
Principal Brown: We will do a makeup race. And whoever wins gets to be valedictorian.
Phil: Guys, we should be celebrating … Are we all so obsessed with being number one that we can’t just celebrate this moment?

It appears that they are. That is until Sanjay stops by to see Alex.
Sanjay: Tomorrow, it’s all gonna be over, everything we’ve been working for since we started school. So, I-I wanted to come by and say thanks … You know how hard it’s been to keep up with you my whole life? I have my GPA because of you … I got into Stanford because of you.
Alex (giggling): I’ll admit I did spend about a few hundred extra hours trying to be better than you.
Sanjay: I’m gonna miss this when we go to college.
Alex: Yeah, I guess I’ll miss this, too.
Sanjay: I like you.
Alex: Okay.
Sanjay: I mean like-like, like how Pierre Curie liked Marie Curie.

And by the end it’s clear that Alex likes-likes him back.

Flipping the Frame: My Notes
As farfetched as this storyline may seem, similar stories play out in schools across the country at this time each year during the valedictorian season. But not all have such a happy ending. Tales abound of aggressive, sometimes even bitter, rivalry between high achieving students to win the number one spot at a highly competitive high school

Some students – usually with the help of their high-pressure parents – strategize to win, coming up with ways to improve their standing in comparison with their classmates. To gain an advantage, these students often take on an extra-heavy load of AP courses, which are weighted when grade point averages are calculated. Some may avoid classes like dance, art, or music – because they might get a B in these classes where grading can be more subjective and because even an A in an unweighted class can hurt their shot at the top spot.

Because gaining the number one spot requires not just high achievement but beating out everyone else in the class, the quest for valedictorian has led to contested grade point averages. And a handful of parents have even brought lawsuits because they felt that their child had been somehow wronged in the selection process.

BottomLine
Alex: But my GPA is 4.645923.
Sanjay: My GPA is 4.645923.
Alex: This is a nightmare.
Sanjay: Worst day of my life.

Naming a valedictorian is a strong tradition in many communities. More than half of all high schools in the nation have done away with class ranking over concerns that small differences in grade point average could lead to large differences in class rank that could end up hurting students’ prospects for college admission. Yet schools continue to compare students’ grade point averages to determine the number one spot. Thus, each year at this time many principals are confronted with the same predicament we saw Mr. Brown face tonight. And as we saw tonight, sometimes the difference is as little as one millionth of a decimal point in students’ GPAs.

Some schools have addressed this issue by naming the top 10 ranked students in the graduating class. But this does nothing for the student who ends up in 11th place. Plus why name 10? Why not 12? Or 20? Or the top 10%?

Just as important are questions about whether the practices for selecting the class valedictorian foster the kind of traits we most value in students. Of course, an outstanding academic record as well as the hard work required for that kind of performance should be honored. But what about curiosity, cooperation, caring, and compassion? Plus even if a student wins the coveted number one spot, what might they lose in the process?

Many of us are required to consider similar questions – whether our kids are competing for the number one spot or not.

Some kids – like Sanjay and Alex – seem to mostly thrive under the pressure to keep up with their high-achieving classmates. With kids like this, we mainly need to stay out of their way and do nothing to add to the pressure they put on themselves. But what about capable teens who don’t want to work that hard? What should we do when they tell us they want to take a lighter load of classes than we’d like?

We want our kids to work hard, stretch, and reach their full potential. Plus we worry that colleges are not going to like the fact that they didn’t take enough hard classes. Yet hard work and perseverance are not the only valuable character traits. And we mustn’t lose sight of the fact that they need downtime – that they’re not achievement machines.

What’s a Mom to Do
When you’re faced with a teen who wants to lighten their load, you could insist that they take a tougher schedule, but you can’t make them excel in their classes or even pass. You could try to bribe them. But your best bet is to work on their internal motivation.

So if you find yourself confronted with a teen who wants to put forth less effort than you’d like, consider this strategy.
Say: I can see why you might like to take fewer tough classes so that you can enjoy life more. And it’s your life. But it’s my job as your parent to do what I can to ensure that you make an informed decision. I have a few questions that I’d like to discuss together before you make a final decision. After that, I’ll support you if you decide you want to lighten your load a bit.
1) What do you see as the advantages of taking easier classes?
2) If you took easier classes, what would you do with your extra time? (This is a good time to probe for other activities or interests your teen might want to pursue.)
3) Do you think if you worked with a tutor or a friend who is choosing to take the tougher classes, it would help enough to make a difference in your decision?
4) People who don’t stretch themselves are less likely to have an exciting career or do well enough to have the lifestyle you seem to crave. I’m not saying that this decision not to stretch yourself will become a pattern. But if it does, have you thought about where that will lead? Are you okay with that?

The more dispassionate and calm you stay during this discussion, the more likely your teen will be to keep talking. Question number 4 above is the most important. Their first response to this one is not as important as what they do with it later. You want your teen to take this question away and think about it – when they’re alone in their room and when they’re signing up for classes.

As you listen and watch your teen’s response to this conversation, try to stay curious and open to their ideas and beliefs. After all, the voiceover at the end of the episode begins: This is a land where people are brought together by their willingness to work hard and their desire to succeed. But it ends by reminding: This is a land made great by people standing up for what they believe.

Your Parenting Experiences
Do you sometimes find yourself getting upset – anxious, angry, or depressed – when your teen doesn’t meet your expectations in school or in a sport? If so, consider reclaiming your own favorite hobby or passion. Show your kids that you believe in hard work but you also believe in taking time for the things you love.

Sources and Resources: The All-in-One College Guide by Marty Nemko, Ph.D.; “Class Rank Weighs Down True Learning” by Thomas R. Guskey, Ph.D. in Phi Delta Kappan; “The Joy of Graduating” by Kate Stone Lombardi in the New York Times

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Modern Family: Season 6, Episode 17, Closet? You’ll Love It!

Lily’s Dads Don’t Want Her to Sing

The Framework
Figuring out what one’s passions and talents are (and what they’re not) is the thread that holds the multiple storylines together tonight. Jay brings passion but no talent to marketing his closets. Haley is falling in love with Andy even though she seems to have a knack for dating another kind of guy. And Phil makes one impassioned attempt after another to knock a drone out of the sky, even though he becomes an “idiot” on YouTube in the process.

But the story that caught and kept my attention begins like this.
Cam (hollering): Okay, Lily, ballet at 11:00, then a play date, then karate class at 3:00. So why don’t you go get your uniform? Chop! Chop!
Mitch: What? Why would you schedule all this extra stuff on the same day as her talent show?
Cam: Okay, are you accusing me of overscheduling our tone-deaf daughter so she’s so tired she misses the talent show and doesn’t humiliate herself?

Lily (entering the room): I got it! Hey, wait. Isn’t my talent show today?
Mitch: You’re right. It is today, and since you have a little bit of time before ballet, why don’t you two do a little bit of warming up?
Cam (sitting down at keyboard): Oh, okay, great. So, Lily, can you meet me here at C? (playing and singing key of C)
Lily(singing off-key): C
Cam (singing): Now daddy’s lonely.
Lily (off-key): I’m there with you.
Cam (singing again): No, you’re not … That’s not even a note. I feel like you’re doing it on purpose.
Mitch (singing too): That seems a little bit sharp.
Cam (still singing): I’m never sharp; I’m pitch-perfect.
Mitch (singing again): I’m talking about your tone toward our daughter.
Lily (also singing): I can understand you even when you’re singing.

Later there’s this.
Mitch: Oh! You’re still rehearsing.
Cam: We sure are, and we found a more appropriate song for Lily’s singing voice.
Mitch: Really? Well, I’d love to hear it.
Cam: Okay. (singing) Everybody was kung fu fighting.
Lilly (doing a karate kick): Hyah! Hyah!
Cam (singing): Those kicks were fast as lightning.
Lily: Hyah! Hyah!
Mitch: Okay, stop, stop, stop … This is ridiculous. She’s not even singing.
Cam: She wasn’t singing before either.

With that, Mitch sends Lily out of the room, and there’s this.
Mitch: Cam.
Cam: Mitchell, I just don’t want her to embarrass herself in front of her friends – not to mention the parents. I can already hear Andrew’s condescending, “Hmm.”
Mitch: Oh my gosh! You’re still competing with Andrew.
Cam: He staged a coup, Mitchell. He forced me out of the group I founded … The Greensleevers were Southern California’s premier holiday chorus …
Mitch: So you’re not worried about Lily embarrassing herself. You’re worried about Lily embarrassing you.
Cam: Not so much now that’s she’s not singing.

Flipping the Frame: My Notes
Cam and Mitch act like the quintessential pushy parents tonight – it’s all about their interests. But there’s a twist. Like most pushy parents, the dads have Lily’s schedule fully booked, including a solo in tonight’s talent show. That is until they (yes, eventually Mitch too) determine that it’s better for them if Lily doesn’t sing.

Many parents insist that their kids participate in lots of activities hoping that at least one will click. Then they urge their kids to practice, practice, and practice some more on the ones that stick, in hopes they’ll standout and shine when it comes time to perform. This sounds like a win-win. After all who doesn’t want their offspring to excel and be brilliant? And if we can be proud while helping cultivate our child’s talent – a talent that will look good on a college application someday and maybe even lead to a career – what could possibly go wrong?

Grouchiness, headaches, stomachaches, and slipping grades all come to mind.

BottomLine
Cam (to camera): Lily has no talent.
Mitch: Because she’s 7. No one has talent at 7.

Cam and Mitch are both wrong. Every kid has in them at least one worthwhile and passionate interest. Our job as parents is to help them find that passion and nurture its development. But in the process, some parents push too hard while others don’t push hard enough. And truth be told, most of us worry about getting the balance right.

Child development experts say that we nurture when we follow our kids’ lead. But we push when we want our kids to follow us – to do what we want them to do. The distinction sounds pretty straightforward. So why do so many parents struggle with getting it right?

Let’s take Lily as a case in point. Singing doesn’t really seem to be her thing. But let’s imagine, instead, that Lily is passionate about it. And let’s say her dads, wanting to nurture her interest, arrange for her to join a community choir. Each week Lily looks forward to choir practice. She shines when she sings. She even gets a solo in the spring concert. In fact, she performs so well that Cam and Mitch decide she should have private voice lessons.

Is arranging for a seven-year-old to join a choir or take voice lessons pushing? Private lessons seem a bit over-the-top, but Lily is interested and having fun, and as long as a child is having fun, it’s not pushing. Her dads are just trying to provide opportunities to nurture her interest.

Let’s take things another step further. Let’s say that once Lily starts voice lessons, she doesn’t always want to practice the scales that her teacher assigns as part of the lesson. Her dads, however, insist that she practice her singing for 30 minutes a day – including the scales that will help her continue to develop her skills. And they take away some of her privileges when she doesn’t.

Are her dads being pushy when they insist that Lily practice scales for 30 minutes a day? This is a little trickier. Some might say that requiring Lily to practice for any amount of time means that her dads are no longer following her lead. But, in truth, almost all kids resist practicing what they consider boring parts or when things get hard – even in areas of their interest. And unless Lily practices the scales, she won’t develop the skills she needs to sing the way she seems to want to. So requiring that Lily practice singing scales that she’s not interested in for 30 minutes a day is nurturing – not pushing.

Let’s go one more step. Imagine now that that after she’s been practicing 30 minutes a day almost every day, Cam and Mitch notice that Lily’s singing skills have increased remarkably. Her vocal teacher even says that she has never seen a young child with so much talent. So Lily’s dads begin requiring that she practice an hour every day. Soon this becomes two hours a day. Even though Lily has other interests and misses playing with her friends, her dads insist that she focus on her singing. They envision Lily as a child prodigy or at least a famous adult.

With this last step, Lily’s dads clearly move from nurturing to pushing her. By insisting on so much practice, they are preventing Lily from being with her friends and engaging in other interests. They got caught up in their vision of Lily’s potential future and began letting that, rather than Lily’s interests, guide their decisions.

What’s a Mom to Do
Below are some tips for helping you find and keep your balance as you help your kids find and develop their interests and talents.

Talk regularly about natural interests and talents. Talk with your kids about theirs and share what yours are and how they enrich your life.

Take care not to push. Our job is to support – not direct – by providing lots of opportunities for our kids to explore, find, and develop their talents. This begins with our kids’ interests. When our interests (rather than our kids’ interests) determine what is done or what is learned, then it becomes pushing.

Emphasize the importance of practice and sticking with commitments. There will almost certainly be times when your kids won’t want to do what they’re supposed to do or learn what they’re supposed to learn, so sometimes you’ll have to nudge. You might set an expectation that they practice 30 minutes – even if things get boring or hard – before they get screen time or time with friends. And if your kids wants to drop an activity, let them do so at a natural stopping point (for example, at the end of the season) but only if they find another activity to replace it.

Support and recognize your kids’ progress. Attend their games, concerts, and other events. Make sure they know you’re proud of the progress they’re making. And be sure to celebrate the important milestones.

Thank the adults who help develop your kids’ talents. Write a thank you note or an email to let them know you appreciate what they do.

Source for tips: ParentFurther, a Search Institute Resource (Click here for more.)

If we help our kids find an activity they love, they’ll get a chance to see what they can do if they work really hard at something. And as they develop their interests into well-honed talents they’re working to become the best they can be and do their part in making the world better for us all.

Your Parenting Experiences
If you were to name the one or two things that really get you excited, what would they be? Do you think your kids know what your biggest interests and talents are?

Sources and Resources: Helping Kids Discover What They Love to Do in Search Institute’s ParentFurther; When Does Nurturing a Gifted Child Become Pushing? by Carol Bainbridge in About Parenting

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