Roxane Lehmann, Ph.D.

Modern Family: Season 6, Episode 5, Won’t You Be Our Neighbor?

Mitch and Cam Overdo It

The Framework
Tonight in all three households the adults let their longings and anxieties push them over appropriate boundary lines. But it’s what happened with Lily that caught and kept my attention.

It’s Friday night and Lily has just returned from a school carnival with Cam.
Lily: I’m going to go do homework. Don’t knock unless it’s an actual emergency – not a spider.
Mitch: Mrs. Plank gave her homework on a weekend?!
Cam: I know! The woman is insane. But listen. I heard something in the glitter tattoo line … There’s an opening in Ms. Sparrow’s class.
Mitch: Oh my God, Cam! We need to get her in.
Cam: I know. We’re going in first thing tomorrow.

The dads are worried that school is stressing Lily out. Here’s their case in point.
Mitch (to Lily who’s holding up her poster of a frog’s lifecycle): Let’s see, sweetie … Good job!
Lily: Oh NO! I spelled “tadpole” wrong!
Cam: Oh, well now, that’s just one mistake.
Lily (tearing up her poster): Mrs. Plank doesn’t tolerate mistakes!

And with that, Mitch and Cam go to see Mrs. Plank.
Mrs. Plank: Is there a problem?
Cam: Not so much a problem. No.
Mitch: More of an opportunity for you to lighten your workload.
Mrs. Plank: Let me guess; you’ve heard there’s an opening in young Ms. Sparrow’s class.
Cam: Uhhh, well … we just stopped by in the neighborhood to say hi…
Mitch: …to say hello, and also … umm … about this opening in Ms. Sparrow’s class that you suggested for Lily. Is that something that you…
Cam: …you think would be a good idea?
Mrs. Plank: Parents are not allowed to choose their children’s teacher.
Mitch: No, and, of course, I would never suggest special treatment for Lily – even if she is a former orphan, a minority, and a daughter of two gay men.
Cam: That’s a big load on those little shoulders.
Mrs. Plank (writing BUFFOON on whiteboard): Are you suggesting that your daughter is at a disadvantage because she’s being raised by gay parents?
Mitch: Is it working?

Mrs. Plank adds an “S” to BUFFOON, and the dads switch tactics.
Cam: Uhh… Look, we just don’t think Lily responds to your teaching methods. We think she’d be happier in Ms. Sparrow’s class.
Mrs. Plank: We would all be happier in that new-aged drum circle she calls a classroom.
Cam: Okay. Well, we didn’t mean to offend you. We’re not saying you’re any worse than her.
Mrs. Plank: Than “she.” That’s proper English. It’s too bad Lily won’t learn it.
Mitch: So she can go?
Mrs. Plank: As far as I’m concerned she’s already gone. One more child left behind.
Cam: Lily will be fine. She’s going to have a chance to thrive in a more supportive classroom. You don’t need to worry about she.

But later when the dads share their good news with Lily (who’s playing with a friend in Ms. Sparrow’s class), there’s this.
Lily: I want to stay with Mrs. Plank.
Mitch: But why? Ms. Sparrow is so fun and creative.
Lily: I want to read and learn math.
Playmate: We do math.
Lily: Really? What’s two plus seven?
Playmate: Twenty-seven.
Mitch: No. No. It’s “nine.” But that’s an honest mistake, sweetheart.
Lily (to playmate): What do blue and yellow make?
Playmate: Blellow.
Lily (turning to her dads): You need to fix this.

Flipping the Frame: My Notes
Last week we saw Mitch way underparent. He was so wrapped up in his own worries that he totally missed what Lily was telling him about an incident in gym class that sounded a lot like bullying. Tonight he and Cam overparent as they team up and go to bat for Lily at school – about something that Lily doesn’t see as a problem.

The dads want Lily to be happy. To like school. They see her stress as a risk to her success at school. And they are determined to do something about it.

Part of being a parent is minimizing risks for our children. And it’s worrisome to see our kids unhappy or struggling. But when we rush in too quickly to shield our kids from struggles, we deprive them of experiences that can help them develop the skills and resilience they’ll need to deal with the much bigger difficulties they’re bound to face as they get older. Plus when we interfere because of our own worries and anxieties, we’re getting in the way of our kids’ most crucial task: developing their own sense of self – one distinct from us.

Our job is to know our children well enough to be able to figure out when to step in and when it’s better to step back and be watchful and available, while giving our kids a chance to manage the situation. Yes, we’ll probably be anxious. But we must keep our anxiety in check so that our kids can do their job: to grow and gradually become more independent.

BottomLine
Mitch (to Mrs. Plank): It seems that we forgot to talk to Lily before coming in to see you.

Getting our child’s take is important. But even if you’re hearing repeated complaints from your child that you believe warrant action, addressing concerns about their classroom can be tricky. You don’t want to come across as an overanxious, interfering pain.

What’s a Mom to Do?
Checkout these suggestions before you go to that meeting with the teacher.

Get your child’s take. Remember you’re not the one in the classroom. Think of this as a parent-teacher-child partnership.

Approach the relationship with respect. Treat the relationship the same way you would any other very important partnership in your life. Instead of lecturing the teacher about what’s wrong, begin by bringing up your concern and your hope that working together you can come up with ways to make the situation better. Keep your bring-it-up statement brief – something you can say in 20 seconds or less. Then ask for the teacher’s point of view.

Provide tangible details. Instead of your judgments (Like Cam’s We don’t think Lily responds to your teaching methods or “He’s bored” or “She’s having a terrible year”), give concrete examples of what you’re seeing and hearing. Think of the process as creating a dot-to-dot picture. You give the details (the dots) and then give the teacher a chance to connect them. Teachers (like the rest of us) are more likely to act on conclusions they’ve drawn for themselves.

Talk about what matters most. We tend to pester their teachers about grades (“Why’d she get a B?”). But dissecting each grade won’t instill a life-long love of learning and willingness to work hard – the traits most important for long-term academic success. So as you talk with the teacher, spend more time on the process of learning – your child’s self-directedness and preference for challenge. Their persistence and resilience. Because it’s how our kids view effort that will largely determine how much they ultimately achieve.

Agree on who, what, and when. Come up with a plan of action. Everybody in the partnership (parent, teacher, and child) should have a role. So ask what you can do to help. And set a time to follow up and check on progress.

The final scene of this storyline gives us one more reason not to overparent.
Mrs. Plank: I will take Lily back if you are able to tell me the object of this sentence. “Lily’s parents were wrong about Mrs. Plank.”
Cam (confused to Mitch): Do you know?
Mitch: I think the object is to humiliate us.
Mrs. Plank: Correct. See? I can teach anybody.

While her dads’ interfering tonight probably didn’t hurt Lily, it took a toll on Mitch and Cam. Overparenting is stressful and exhausting. Yes, the dad’s overdoing was comically over the top. But many of us are tempted to interfere more than we should. We think that with a bit more of a parental push we could turn out kids with lots of talents and secured futures.

The thing is, our kids notice when we overdo it. A few years back, researcher Ellen Galinsky asked 1,000 kids what they’d like to change most about their parents’ schedules. The top wish was for their parents to be less tired and stressed. And one of the most important things we can do to motivate our kids to be all they can be is to show them a version of adult life that is appealing enough to strive for.

Your Parenting Experiences
There are lots of different styles of teaching, and we can relate to some of our children’s teachers better than others. Cam handled his uneasy relationship with Lily’s teacher like this.
Cam (to camera): I call Mrs. Plank “Mrs. Crank” hahaha … I have the courage to say what others won’t.
Mitch: Behind her back.

What do you tend to do when you don’t readily relate to a teacher?

Sources and Resources: “Talking with Teachers” from PBS Parents; “Raising Successful Children” by Madeline Levine in the New York Times; “Helicopter Parents: Relax, your kids will be fine” in the Economist.

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Modern Family: Season 5, Episode 15, The Feud

Phil Revises His Advice

The Framework
Tonight there was lots of cause for head scratching. Lily brought head lice home from school and Claire catches the head pets. (Cam’s delicate wording)

But there was a lot of the “go figure” kind of head scratching in tonight’s episode too. Alex and Haley get stuck in the basement with a possum. Manny obsesses over what the other kids will think about his squeaky shoes but still saves self-conscious Gloria from some catty moms. Meanwhile, Luke faces Gil Thorpe’s son in a wrestling match, causing Phil’s ongoing rivalry to become a multigenerational feud.

It was the conversations that lead up to Luke’s match that caught and held my attention.
Luke: My match is coming up. Got any “dadvice”?
Phil (smiling): Starting to sound natural, right? … You know what, just get out there and enjoy yourself. You show character trying a new sport. No matter what happens, I couldn’t be prouder. Go get ’em.

But then just before the match begins, the fatherly advice morphs into this.
Phil: I’d like to revise what I said to you in the car about biting…
Luke: But the important thing is I have fun out there, right?
Phil: Okay, let’s go over this again because I feel like you’re not listening.

Flipping the Frame: My Notes
Phil is overcome with his loathing and fear of the obnoxious Gil. His darkest thoughts and deepest worries are reflected in his revised advice to Luke. Though the situation was far-fetched, the fear Phil felt and his urge to help Luke hit a bit closer to home.

When our kids ask for our advice about something unfinished and messy, our minds start churning. We’ve gone through enough to have a good idea of what’s going to happen next. We can anticipate twists and turns full of additional troubles that our kids are totally oblivious to. We feel we must intervene and make sure they don’t get it wrong. It’s our job to protect them.

BottomLine
At a restaurant following the match…
Luke (setting his pop down on the table): Dang it!
Jay: We don’t want you to beat yourself up because you lost.
Luke: I’m not. I just started wrestling. Sure it would have been nice to win. But I tried my best. I just said “dang it” because I forgot my straw…
Phil: Son of a gun! He’s absolutely okay.

Sometimes what has us worried is not a problem for our teen. Sometimes they’ll already have a solution. At other times, though, they’ll need a bit more from us. But be careful. If you offer advice too readily, expect some rejection. After all, it’s their job to prove to us (and to themselves) that they don’t need our advice anymore. To them, taking our advice – even if they ask for it – feels like a setback.

What’s a Mom to Do
Instead of beginning by giving our teens advice, we might start by offering our presence. Because even when they ask for our advice, often what they really want is our quiet attention and reassurance.

Here are a few suggestions to keep in mind the next time your teen asks for your advice.

Acknowledge that it’s a tough issue. Even if the solution seems clear-cut to you, realize that from your teen’s perspective things often seem much muddier. And if you don’t acknowledge the difficulty, they’re likely to feel put-down, less capable, and angry at you for making them feel this way.

Be a sounding board. Restating the key parts of the issue in a calm, neutral voice as if you’re lining up the dots in a dot-to-dot puzzle can guide your teen to new insights and a higher level of thinking.

Ask for their ideas about how to handle the situation. Asking open-ended questions like What have you already tried? What seemed to help? Who else might you talk with? can get your teen thinking and talking about a way forward.

Wait. If they don’t answer your questions right away, don’t rush to fill the silence. Instead stay with your teen and give them your silent support. Sometimes it can help to give them time to go away and connect the dots before providing more guidance.

Underscore their strengths. Like adults, when teens struggle with a problem, they become experts on the problem. Focusing on the difficulty can cause them to lose confidence and avoid doing anything. We can help them switch gears (and calm ourselves) by keeping their strengths and past successes at the forefront of our mind. By reminding them of what they’re good at doing and how they’ve used their expertise in solving problems in the past, we can model for our teens how to refocus and become an expert on the solution.

By supporting our teens as they solve a problem rather than doing it for them, we’re helping them develop wisdom. It’s frustrating, though, not to just come right out and tell our teens what to do. After all we’ve lived long enough to have some wisdom worth sharing. But wisdom is like a college degree – it can’t simply be handed down.

Your Parenting Experiences
Phil (to camera): That might be the best part about being a parent: Whatever is going on in your personal life, when your kid is happy, you’re happy. A happy kid is like an antidepressant.

Is Phil onto something here? If so, might the antidepressant effect of a happy kid further complicate the issue of giving advice? What do you think?

Resource: Staying Connected to Your Teenager by Michael Riera

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