Roxane Lehmann, Ph.D.

We’ve just completed a major renovation at our house. The other day as I was re-shelving my books, I ran across a copy of the The Free-Range Mom. Remember her? A few years back she was dubbed “America’s Worst Mom” after she let her nine-year-old son ride a New York City subway alone.

Free-Range Mom’s parenting philosophy promotes things like doubling recesses, letting kids drop activities they don’t like, letting them play, and telling them, “It’s okay to fail, at least a little bit.” She wants parents to relax – but only after they’ve removed those bragging stickers off their cars.

More recently there was another mom generating lots of buzz: the Tiger Mom. Her parenting style includes banning things like sleepovers, play dates, T.V., computer games, and any instrument except the piano or violin. She demands that her kids get all As and that they be #1 in every academic class.

The Tiger Mom and the Free-Range Mom couldn’t be more different. Except for one thing: They are both crystal clear about their purpose as a parent and what they’re hoping to accomplish. And this clarity about what they value lets both these moms be a strong influence in their children’s lives. So while we might disagree with their goals or their tactics, we can still learn something from these moms.

Research shows that when parents stay connected and talk with their teens they can make a big difference, including with the major risks associated with alcohol, drugs, and sex. But it’s easy to become so busy dealing with all the daily decisions about curfews, parties, and out-of-town concerts that we fail to step back and get a good look at the big picture. And without the big picture of what we value and hope to accomplish, our responses are often rote, knee-jerk reactive, or just plain wishy-washy.

Taking time to give some thought to questions like the ones listed below can help clarify what’s most important to us as parents and, thus, help us be a stronger influence in our teens’ lives.

– What values or standards are at the core of how you live – your choices, decisions, and actions?

– What attitudes do you want to instill in your teen?

– What decisions would you like your teen to make about friendships? About schoolwork? About teenage sex? About alcohol use? About drugs? About following the law?

– What do you want most for yourself, for your teen, and for your relationship?

Being clear in your own mind about your purpose as a parent will help you communicate your ideas and reasons for your decisions convincingly to your teen. And having this big-picture view will help you be the calm, sturdy presence your teen needs – even when (especially when) they roll their eyes, let out one of those heavy sighs, and tell you how totally unfair and out-of-touch you are because “Everybody else gets to do it.”

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Although they will almost certainly not tell us this directly, our teens are counting on us to help them take the good kinds of risks and weed out the bad ones. This requires some explicit teaching about our values so that they’ll know what they need to do and why it’s important. Below are some suggestions for approaching these conversations in a way that will get heard by your teen.

Start early. The research indicates that younger adolescents are more responsive to parental influence. The longer you wait, the tougher the competition will be for your teen’s attention.

Stay focused on one thing at a time. One good helping of values is probably enough for any one conversation with your teen. You can stay focused most easily by using a Here’s what I’m most concerned about … approach.

Avoid scare tactics. Scare tactics turn teens off, and teens’ tendency to underestimate the seriousness of bad consequences can make these counterproductive.

Be straightforward. Try to be as clear as you can when you communicate what is and what is not acceptable to you. The more vague your messages, the easier they are for your teen to ignore.

Brainstorm for a decision-making framework. Working with your teen, come up with specific criteria they could use to gauge danger in various situations. For example, when making a decision about whether to stay at a party or not, the criteria might include the following:
– Are parents or adults present?
– How many kids are there?
– Are alcohol or drugs visibly present?
– What’s the noise level?
– How rowdy is it?
– How respectfully is the property being treated?

Then give your teen practice using the framework to evaluate different scenarios. Help them explore the potential risks associated with each criterion and to think through actions they could use to get out of high-risk situations.

Find opportunities for spontaneous conversations. Rather than lecture, look for everyday openings – after watching a movie, observing people, reading a newspaper article, or listening to music – to ask a question or make a comment designed to spark a conversation. For example:

Parent: That song makes it seem like sex, drugs, and money are the only important things in life.

Teen: What are you talking about? All songs sound like that.

Respond quietly, floating your ideas by your teen rather than doing it loudly with insult or by giving orders.

Instead of:

Parent: I can’t believe you listen to that kind of garbage!

Or

Parent: That’s it. I won’t have you listening to music like that. Give me that iPod right now!

Try:

Parent: I know you want to choose your own music, and that’s understandable. But I’m concerned about those lyrics and the effect that listening to them can have on you. It’s part of my job as your parent to pay attention to things like that.

What messages do you think kids take away from these lyrics?

Listen with curiosity and then share what you’re most concerned about, remembering that this is not about controlling your teen. It’s about helping them develop their decision-making muscles.

Parenting teens can be a tricky business. Almost all teens are intent on extending away from their parents. And we can’t know where they are and what they’re doing every single minute. This means that just when our teens need our protection most, our parental control systems become less effective. But the risks go way down when we aim to guide rather than control them by providing lots of opportunities for interactive communication coupled with appropriate monitoring and supervision.

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