Roxane Lehmann, Ph.D.

Modern Family: Season 6, Episode 16, Connection Lost

Claire Uses the Internet for Everything

The Framework
Tonight Claire is out of town on business, but thanks to the Internet she’s staying on top of things at home: She buys a last minute birthday gift for Mitch from RalphLoren.com. She helps Alex proof her college essay. And she exchanges text messages with Phil while looking at Luke’s new Mohawk on FaceTime.

But perhaps nothing reflects the “modern” in Modern Family better than the way Claire responds when Haley goes missing.
Claire (on cellphone): I can’t get in-touch with Haley. I haven’t talked to her since we got in that fight. She around?
Phil: I think she slept at a friend’s house.
Claire: What friend?
Phil: Umm … not a normal name. Starts with a vowel. Possibly foreign.
Claire: Maybe Alex knows. Is she home?
Phil: Nope. I haven’t seen her for hours.
Claire (Calling Alex on FaceTime): Hi, honey … Can you do me a favor and call your sister? If she’s screening, I’m not making the cut.
Alex: Why don’t you just snoop on her Facebook page with your fake profile?
Claire: I don’t have a fake profile.
Alex: Mom, save it. Brody Kendall just logged in.
Claire (gasping as she sees Haley’s “married” Facebook status): Oh, my God! Please tell me this is some kind of a mistake!

Later there’s this.
Claire: Do you have Haley’s iCloud password?
Alex: Yeah, she gave it to me in a little envelope with her diary key and a list of things she’s most afraid of.
Claire (sighing): Maybe we could guess it …
Phil (popping up on Claire’s screen): Claire, you accidentally hung up on me.
Claire: Yeah, well, honey, you know me and computers.
Alex: Mom is trying to guess Haley’s iCloud password, which, personally, I think is an invasion of her privacy.
Phil: Try “password.”
Claire (after typing it in): I’m kind of glad that didn’t work.
Alex: Well, I think I remember telling her to use something that people wouldn’t know about her – like her favorite literary character.
Claire: I’m in.
Alex: What?! What was it?
Claire: Snoopy.
Alex: Wow. And that could be your new nickname.
Instantly, Claire clicks “find my phone” in Haley’s account.
Claire: Oh, no! She’s in Vegas!
Phil: Are you serious?!
Claire: Hang on. I’m zooming in. Hold on. Hold on. Oh, God! Honey, she’s at a wedding chapel … Who could she be marrying?

And at the end of the episode, after Haley is located, there’s this.
Claire: So you didn’t get married.
Haley: Married? Why would I get married?
Claire: Because you changed your Facebook status to “married,” and then we tracked your cellphone to a wedding chapel in Vegas.
Haley: Wow! First of all, it’s called privacy. Google it. Second, I married a Cronut.
Claire: What?
Haley: Last week, my friend and I went to get Cronuts, and I said they were so amazing I wanted to marry one. So I posted it on Facebook as a joke. Then I accidentally left my phone in Andy’s car – which he drove to a friend’s wedding in Vegas…

Flipping the Frame: My Notes
While tonight’s episode felt a bit like an Apple infomercial starring Claire, it also reflects the way we live now: online. Like Claire, many of us are using smartphones, computers, and tablets to manage our family lives and monitor our kids.

Online safety experts advise us parents to stay on top of things. Because the online hazards are real. But as we saw with Claire tonight – even when you have all of the latest gadgets and apps at your fingertips – it’s really easy not to know what’s going on. This is especially true if you have a savvy, creative teen intent on you not finding out.

In fact, most kids can find ways to get around our investigative methods. After all, it’s easy for a teen to erase a browser history or clear certain sites they’ve been to and keep others.

Yes, there are software programs designed to help us parents keep and eye on our kids’ online activity. Some will even send an alert to us if language or photos in our teen’s networking activities suggest there might be trouble. But these can give us a false sense of security. Just Google “bypass internet filters” and you’ll see what I mean.

BottomLine
Haley: How did you get onto my Facebook page? I unfriended you.
Alex: She’s Brody Kendall.
Haley: Oh, my God! Gross! I’ve been playing Candy Crush with my mother. How did you track my phone?
Claire: I don’t think that really matters. And there’s a perfectly reasona … (pretends their connection is being lost):
Haley: Oh cut it out. I can see people walking behind you.

Trying to outsmart a teen when it comes to technology is usually futile. And surprise snooping on their phone or Facebook page like Claire did tonight doesn’t usually turn out well either. It’s a lot like looking in their book bag or searching their bedroom behind their back. You may find something critical to their safety, but this kind of snooping destroys trust. (For more on how to snoop when you feel that you must, click here.)

What’s a Mom to Do
Our best hope of protecting our teens from the online hazards we’re most concerned about are the tried and true parenting strategies we use to protect them from other hazards. The same three, simple rules (Be safe. Be respectful. Be in contact.) we use for other areas of their lives work online too. Each has a purpose that’s easy for us to explain and for our teens to understand.

– Be safe online. Most teens underestimate bad consequences online – just as they do in the real world. Be safe online is about helping our teens stay away from things on the internet that could hurt them – especially cyber-bullying, sexual predators, and pornography which are three of the biggest online safety risks to teens. (For more on helping your teen stay safe online, click here.)

– Be respectful online. Teens may be anonymous or disguised online which may make them more likely to make rude or cruel comments or to share inappropriate pictures of others. It might also lead to them sharing pictures of themselves they later regret.

Be respectful online is about helping our teens protect their online reputation.
If they wouldn’t say it, show it, or do it in person, they shouldn’t do it online.
Teens need to know there are no take-backs on the internet. Even after they delete what they say or do, it can usually be retrieved. (For more on how teens can protect their online reputation click here.)

– Be in contact about online activity. There are things in our teens’ online world they’d rather we not know about because they fear that we’ll interfere with their fun. Just like in the real world. So be in contact about online activity is about having regular conversations with our teens about where they’re going and what they’re doing online. And it’s about our teens letting us know right away if something unexpected or threatening happens so that we can help them plan how to deal with it.

Today’s technology makes information available in ways that our parents could never have imagined. But as Claire learned tonight, it doesn’t necessarily make us moms better at monitoring or managing problems. After all, without the Internet that let Claire see Haley’s Facebook status and track her phone to Vegas, she’d have probably had Phil check Haley’s room first thing – where he’d have immediately found her sound asleep.

Your Parenting Experiences
Are you friends with your teen on Facebook? Do you use a fake profile like Claire did? If you saw something that concerned you on their page, how would you address it?

Sources and Resources: “Should You Monitor Your Teen’s Online Activity” and “Four Dangers on the Internet” on WebMD; “Protecting Your Online Identity and Reputation” on KidsHealth

---

I'd love to have you become a regular reader. Join my mailing list to be notified by email of new blog posts here. And if you enjoyed this post, please consider sharing it on Facebook below.

Modern Family: Season 6, Episode 4, Marco Polo

The Adults Are “It”

The Framework
Tonight’s episode shares its name with a game in which someone is chosen to be “it” and, with eyes closed, tries to find and tag the other players using only call and response clues. It’s a kids’ game. But in all three households tonight it is the adults who are the clueless “it.”

Of course, it is Phil who literally gets into the game – in the pool, at the hotel where the Dunphys are staying while their house is being treated for mold. Claire too is “it” tonight – but in a less playful sense. She seems blind to the example she’s setting for her three kids.
Claire (to Haley and Luke): You know, when you don’t think about who’s in there before you, a hotel bath can be really quite relaxing. Do you know if Alex got my glass?
Alex (entering hotel room with glass): Your swipe-card wine.
Claire: Thank you … This magic juice is going to help mama turn that bathtub into a swim-up bar. And a bit later there’s this from a tipsy Claire: Oops. Butterfingers. I spilled my wine in the tub. Then pushing her swipe card toward Alex: Would you mind, Sweetie?

And over at the Pritchett’s, Jay and Gloria take turns being “it” – as neither seems to have a clue about how to parent a maturing Manny.
Manny: I know you were spying on me. Yes, I have a girlfriend. Let me save you some snooping. She’s smart. She’s a senior. She’s our high school’s “it” girl. And “it” dumped the captain of the basketball team for me.
Gloria (later to Jay as girlfriend arrives to pick-up Manny for the football game): That girl is too advanced for him … You go talk to her. Maybe you can put the fear of God in her.
Jay: What bust her windshield or break her pinky?
Gloria: I’ll go disconnect the security camera.

Later, when Manny returns home after the football game, there’s this.
Jay: Good game, champ. Then noting Manny’s downcast mood: You okay?
Manny: Yeah, just a little tired.
Jay: Hey, wait a second. Your team just won six straight. Let’s celebrate with a little scotch. You’re [15] old enough for your first sip.
Manny: She dumped me, Jay. She was just using me to make her old boyfriend jealous … My first girlfriend. She was perfect.
Jay: If you ask me, you’re lucky.
Manny: She dumped me by text while making out with her old boyfriend. I broke down crying. My charcoal ran like mascara. I had to be comforted by the other team’s mascot. Lucky?
Jay: Uhh, I’m not going to lie to you. It sucks. And sometimes it’s got to suck for a while. I just wish I could say some magic words or give you a hug and make it all go away.

As Manny goes, headfirst, in for a hug with Jay, Gloria appears in the background. Using his free hand, Jay signs to her about the breakup and that he’s got it all under control. Gloria silently mouths her appreciation to Jay and heads back up the stairs.
Manny: Can I still have a sip of that scotch like you said?
Gloria (suddenly reappears, emphatically signing to Jay): NO!
Jay (signs back to Gloria): Don’t be crazy. And then answers Manny: Okay. I just opened the bottle. Beautiful. Eighteen-year-old. Full bodied.
Manny (tearfully): Sam…

Flipping the Frame: My Notes
Despite what Claire may have said in the past to her kids about drinking responsibly, tonight her message was that alcohol makes everything better. Just like magic. And even though Gloria was frantically mouthing “No!” behind the scenes tonight, it was Jay’s message that got through to Manny: Alcohol can help you feel good when you want to celebrate and help you feel better when you’re down.

Regardless of how mixed messages are sent, they send conflicting information to our kids and cause confusion about what we really mean. And when it has to do with our kids’ health or safety, our messages need to be as clear as we can possibly make them. This is especially true for our messaging about underage drinking and drug use. Because these substances have risks specific to teens.

Compared to adults:
Teens are highly vulnerable to social influences. Alcohol companies know this and target our kids with slick ads in magazines and on TV. Plus our kids are paying attention as marijuana (both medical and recreational) becomes legal in more and more places.

Teens have lower tolerance levels. This means that they have to use more of the substance sooner to achieve the same effect. Another words, what one drink or one hit did, will take two or three sooner for a teen than it does for an adult.

They become dependent at lower doses. Because their brains are still developing, kids are faster at learning than adults are. And getting addicted is learned just like becoming fluent in a foreign language is learned.

They are at increased risk of problem use later. 1 in 4 people who begin smoking, drinking, or using any addictive substance before the age of 18 get addicted, compared to 1 in 25 who started using at age 21 or older.

Teens’ growing brains may be more vulnerable to longterm damaging effects. There is growing evidence that adolescent exposure to alcohol and drugs like marijuana may affect important connections in brain regions crucial for memory and learning.

BottomLine

Phil: It’s possible they misunderstood me…

Few parents still host “alcohol included” kid parties to celebrate big nights like homecoming and graduation. But plenty of us are sending mixed messages to our kids when it comes to alcohol – making it possible (even likely) for them to misunderstand us.

Some of us are on the fence. We acknowledge that drinking is illegal for teens and potentially dangerous. But we see it as a rite of passage and look the other way. Others of us (like Jay tonight) let our teens drink at home under our supervision. We hope that this will take away the illegal and rebellious lure of drinking and encourage sensible drinking behavior.

However, studies have shown that the more teens are allowed to drink at home, the more they drink outside of the home as well. What’s more, teens who drink on their own and those who drink under their parents’ watch all have an elevated risk of developing alcohol related problems. Plus additional studies have shown that parents’ messages regarding alcohol use while still at home affect their teens’ behavior when they go off to college: Kids whose parents disapprove completely of underage drinking, tend to engage in less drinking and less binge drinking once in college.

What’s a Mom to Do?
Most important are the examples we set in the decisions we make about what, when, and how much to use and the conversations we have before usage is even an issue.

Here are a few thoughts to keep in mind when you’re crafting your messages for your teen.

Have a zero tolerance policy. Part of being a teen is testing rules and their boundary lines. It’s a way for them to assert their growing independence. When we push the lines back (by allowing some use in some circumstances), we are inadvertently creating a greater distance before they get to the line they need to test.

Be crystal clear about your position on alcohol and drug use. The more vague our messages, the easier they are for our teens to ignore.

Use everyday media to spark conversations with your teen. Don’t think about this as “having the talk.” Instead, look for opportunities to have an ongoing conversation with your teen. When you see messaging on TV, on a billboard, or in a movie, ask your teen what they thing about the message and then share your thoughts.

Pair your verbal messaging with matching actions. Make it easier for your teen to make the right decisions and harder for them to make the wrong ones: Be awake when your teen returns home, call friends’ parents to make sure there’s supervision, and ask your teen to call and check-in when they’re out.

Make a point of sometimes hosting family celebrations where alcohol is not included. This will send a message to your teen that you (and other adults) can have fun without drinking.

As you relay your messages to your kids, remember teens often send mixed messages to us. The most common message is that they don’t care what we think or think much about what we say. In fact, nothing could be further from the truth. Parents are one of the biggest influences on their teens’ personal behavior – even when it doesn’t seem that way.

Your Parenting Experiences
One health message that seems to resonate with many teens is that their brains develop until their mid-20s and that their growing brains are more vulnerable to alcohol and other drugs. When you talk with your teen about your expectations around drinking and using drugs, what messages seem to resonate and make the most sense to them?

Sources and other Resources: This is Your Teen’s Brain on Marijuana by Jack Stein, PhD; Kids Need Straight Talk to Stay Safe By Steven Wallace at SADD; With Drinking, Parents’ Rules Do Affect Teens’ Choices by Michelle Trudeau, NPR; Adolescent Substance Use: America’s #1 Public Health Problem by CASA; Haley and the Champagne Flute from MomsOnMonday

---

I'd love to have you become a regular reader. Join my mailing list to be notified by email of new blog posts here. And if you enjoyed this post, please consider sharing it on Facebook below.