MomsOnMonday: Prep for Parenting Your Modern Family
Posted on May 11th, 2015, 0 CommentsModern Family: Season 6, Episode 22, Patriot Games
Alex Decides That Number One Is a Lonely Number
The Framework
Tonight the three modern families explore the various rights and traditions of our country. Gloria is about to take her citizenship test – because as Jay says: This country is all about freedom and opportunity and I want you to be a part of that – not to mention that he also longs for shorter lines going through customs at the airport. Mitch and Cam act on their right to assemble, protest – and incessantly whine. But my attention is held by the Dunphys as they participate in the American tradition of naming a winner.
The Dunphy storyline begins with the parents talking to the camera.
Claire: We were called into Principal Brown’s office one week before Alex’s graduation.
Phil: That can mean only one of two things: Either she’s gonna be valedictorian or they’re giving an award for sexiest dad.
Claire: We’re very proud of Alex.
As they wait to see the principal, Alex is beside herself with expectation, whistling like a teakettle.
Claire (admonishing): Honey.
Alex: I’m sorry. I just feel like my whole life has been building up to this point.
Moments later, though, everything changes as Alex’s rival for the number one spot, Sanjay, enters the principal’s office – accompanied by his parents.
Principal Brown: Well, Alex and Sanjay, after four years of spirited competition, I am very pleased to tell you that you are the Pali High Class of 2015 Co-valedictorians!
Sanjay: What do you mean “co-valedictorians”?
Principal: Well, I thought there might be some aggressive questions that, uh, made me nervous, and so I wrote down my remarks. Uh (Clearing throat) No, I’m not trying to ruin your lives. It’s just that your GPAs are tied to the thousandth of a decimal point.
Alex: I didn’t work my whole life for a tie!
Sanjay (scoffing): No offense, Principal Brown, but you were a teaching major.
I’d like to check the GPAs myself.
Phil: What is it with these two?
Sanjay’s mom: I agree with them. Ties are un-American. Would you be happy if the Super Bowl ended in a tie? There must be some way to determine who the best student is.
It turns out there is.
Cam: Well, it looks like you both have the same gym grade, but I do see here that neither of you have completed this semester’s mile run.
Principal Brown: We will do a makeup race. And whoever wins gets to be valedictorian.
Phil: Guys, we should be celebrating … Are we all so obsessed with being number one that we can’t just celebrate this moment?
It appears that they are. That is until Sanjay stops by to see Alex.
Sanjay: Tomorrow, it’s all gonna be over, everything we’ve been working for since we started school. So, I-I wanted to come by and say thanks … You know how hard it’s been to keep up with you my whole life? I have my GPA because of you … I got into Stanford because of you.
Alex (giggling): I’ll admit I did spend about a few hundred extra hours trying to be better than you.
Sanjay: I’m gonna miss this when we go to college.
Alex: Yeah, I guess I’ll miss this, too.
Sanjay: I like you.
Alex: Okay.
Sanjay: I mean like-like, like how Pierre Curie liked Marie Curie.
And by the end it’s clear that Alex likes-likes him back.
Flipping the Frame: My Notes
As farfetched as this storyline may seem, similar stories play out in schools across the country at this time each year during the valedictorian season. But not all have such a happy ending. Tales abound of aggressive, sometimes even bitter, rivalry between high achieving students to win the number one spot at a highly competitive high school
Some students – usually with the help of their high-pressure parents – strategize to win, coming up with ways to improve their standing in comparison with their classmates. To gain an advantage, these students often take on an extra-heavy load of AP courses, which are weighted when grade point averages are calculated. Some may avoid classes like dance, art, or music – because they might get a B in these classes where grading can be more subjective and because even an A in an unweighted class can hurt their shot at the top spot.
Because gaining the number one spot requires not just high achievement but beating out everyone else in the class, the quest for valedictorian has led to contested grade point averages. And a handful of parents have even brought lawsuits because they felt that their child had been somehow wronged in the selection process.
BottomLine
Alex: But my GPA is 4.645923.
Sanjay: My GPA is 4.645923.
Alex: This is a nightmare.
Sanjay: Worst day of my life.
Naming a valedictorian is a strong tradition in many communities. More than half of all high schools in the nation have done away with class ranking over concerns that small differences in grade point average could lead to large differences in class rank that could end up hurting students’ prospects for college admission. Yet schools continue to compare students’ grade point averages to determine the number one spot. Thus, each year at this time many principals are confronted with the same predicament we saw Mr. Brown face tonight. And as we saw tonight, sometimes the difference is as little as one millionth of a decimal point in students’ GPAs.
Some schools have addressed this issue by naming the top 10 ranked students in the graduating class. But this does nothing for the student who ends up in 11th place. Plus why name 10? Why not 12? Or 20? Or the top 10%?
Just as important are questions about whether the practices for selecting the class valedictorian foster the kind of traits we most value in students. Of course, an outstanding academic record as well as the hard work required for that kind of performance should be honored. But what about curiosity, cooperation, caring, and compassion? Plus even if a student wins the coveted number one spot, what might they lose in the process?
Many of us are required to consider similar questions – whether our kids are competing for the number one spot or not.
Some kids – like Sanjay and Alex – seem to mostly thrive under the pressure to keep up with their high-achieving classmates. With kids like this, we mainly need to stay out of their way and do nothing to add to the pressure they put on themselves. But what about capable teens who don’t want to work that hard? What should we do when they tell us they want to take a lighter load of classes than we’d like?
We want our kids to work hard, stretch, and reach their full potential. Plus we worry that colleges are not going to like the fact that they didn’t take enough hard classes. Yet hard work and perseverance are not the only valuable character traits. And we mustn’t lose sight of the fact that they need downtime – that they’re not achievement machines.
What’s a Mom to Do
When you’re faced with a teen who wants to lighten their load, you could insist that they take a tougher schedule, but you can’t make them excel in their classes or even pass. You could try to bribe them. But your best bet is to work on their internal motivation.
So if you find yourself confronted with a teen who wants to put forth less effort than you’d like, consider this strategy.
Say: I can see why you might like to take fewer tough classes so that you can enjoy life more. And it’s your life. But it’s my job as your parent to do what I can to ensure that you make an informed decision. I have a few questions that I’d like to discuss together before you make a final decision. After that, I’ll support you if you decide you want to lighten your load a bit.
1) What do you see as the advantages of taking easier classes?
2) If you took easier classes, what would you do with your extra time? (This is a good time to probe for other activities or interests your teen might want to pursue.)
3) Do you think if you worked with a tutor or a friend who is choosing to take the tougher classes, it would help enough to make a difference in your decision?
4) People who don’t stretch themselves are less likely to have an exciting career or do well enough to have the lifestyle you seem to crave. I’m not saying that this decision not to stretch yourself will become a pattern. But if it does, have you thought about where that will lead? Are you okay with that?
The more dispassionate and calm you stay during this discussion, the more likely your teen will be to keep talking. Question number 4 above is the most important. Their first response to this one is not as important as what they do with it later. You want your teen to take this question away and think about it – when they’re alone in their room and when they’re signing up for classes.
As you listen and watch your teen’s response to this conversation, try to stay curious and open to their ideas and beliefs. After all, the voiceover at the end of the episode begins: This is a land where people are brought together by their willingness to work hard and their desire to succeed. But it ends by reminding: This is a land made great by people standing up for what they believe.
Your Parenting Experiences
Do you sometimes find yourself getting upset – anxious, angry, or depressed – when your teen doesn’t meet your expectations in school or in a sport? If so, consider reclaiming your own favorite hobby or passion. Show your kids that you believe in hard work but you also believe in taking time for the things you love.
Sources and Resources: The All-in-One College Guide by Marty Nemko, Ph.D.; “Class Rank Weighs Down True Learning” by Thomas R. Guskey, Ph.D. in Phi Delta Kappan; “The Joy of Graduating” by Kate Stone Lombardi in the New York Times
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MomsOnMonday: Prep for Parenting Your Modern Family
Posted on March 30th, 2015, 1 CommentModern Family: Season 6, Episode 18, Spring Break
Alex Doesn’t Get Into Harvard
The Framework
Tonight we see more evidence that the kids are growing up and that their parents are still learning how to adjust. Phil feels a bit threatened when Luke is able to literally fit into his shoes and best him at the “banjonic and trampolitan arts.” Mitch, who wrongly believes that Lily needs to be rescued from camp, ends up embarrassing her in front of the other eight-year-olds. But the storyline that held my attention was the one about Alex.
Alex’s day begins like this.
Claire: You’re still on that thing? What are you constantly looking at on your computer?
Alex: I’m just checking college acceptances. I mean, they should be posting them any day.
Claire: You cannot spend your entire spring break worrying about college admissions. You should go to that music festival thing with Haley. Do something fun. Learn to relax…
Haley: Uh, I can’t bring Alex to the festival because I am going for work to research new fashion trends. I need to blend in, you know? Everyone will think she’s a cop.
Alex: Well, I could sit here and worry and ruin my day, or I could go with Haley and ruin hers. I’ll grab my sunscreen.
While the girls are at the music festival, Claire calls to check on Alex.
Claire: Haley, are you with Alex? She’s not answering her phone.
Haley: Uh, yeah, yeah. We’re just a tiny bit separated right now, but, uh, she’s been acting a little strange.
Claire (opening Alex’s computer and her email): Oh, no… I was worried about this when you two left this morning. She didn’t get into Harvard.
Haley: Oh, thank God! That’s why she’s been acting so weird.
Then there’s this.
Haley: Alex! Alex, stop! I have been chasing you for, like, an hour! I know about Harvard.
Alex: How?
Haley: Mom saw on your computer.
Alex: And of course she told you, because privacy doesn’t mean anything. Why do things the right way? … I don’t care anymore! I’ve spent my entire life trying to be perfect, and where did it get me? I am in a field with 6,000 idiots!
Haley (as the crowd cheers): Okay, you are drawing more attention to yourself than the guy wearing a ferret as a scarf.
But then Haley continues. More thoughtfully. More helpfully.
Haley: Know what? I think that this is a good thing for you.
Alex: Can you just spare me today?
Haley: No. You’re obviously going to get into one of those snooty schools, and sometimes you’re gonna come in second or fourth, or maybe even tenth. But you’re gonna dust yourself off, maybe put on some lipstick for once, and keep going.
Alex: I’m allowed to feel bad about this, okay?
Haley: Look, you are a superstar! I’ve been saying since you were 10 you’re gonna be on the supreme court.
Alex: Thanks. But for the record, I’m gonna be a scientist.
Haley: Lab coat, robe – as long as something’s covering up your outfit, you’re gonna be just fine.
And when the girls return home, there’s this exchange.
Claire (holding a teddy bear wearing a “Harvard Sucks” t-shirt): There she is! Hi. I heard. I’m so sorry.
Alex: Uh, thanks, mom, but Haley already made me feel a little better about it. I just don’t really feel like talking right now. I kind of just want to change my password and get into bed.
Flipping the Frame: My Notes
Now’s the time that high school seniors are hearing back from the colleges they applied to. And like Alex, many of them are anxious.
Some of our kids will be getting rejection letters from the school they had their heart set on attending. In fact, if that school is one of the dozen or more most selective colleges in the nation, the odds of getting in have never been worse.
A generation ago acceptance rates hardly ever fell below 20% – even at the most elite institutions. In 2003, Harvard and Princeton became the first top undergraduate schools to have admission rates lower than 10%. Since then nearly a dozen top schools have fallen below that level.
BottomLine
Alex: What’s the point? Get straight A’s for 10 years, spend your summers building houses, drag your cello to school every day, write the perfect essay, and for what?! “No, thank you, Alex!” “We don’t want you, Alex!”
Take heart, Alex. Admission offices are pursuing a more ideal class more than they are a perfect student. They claim they’re after creating a better educational experience through a better class. But the most competitive applicants couldn’t get more amazing. And these super-star applicants aren’t multiplying, they’re just applying to more places.
In truth, it’s the boom in the number of applications per student – more than the growth of the actual pool of students – that is driving down the admission rates. A generation ago, only 1 in 10 college-bound kids applied to seven or more schools. Now 1 in 4 do.
It’s a vicious cycle. Kids, seeing the admission rates at the most selective schools falling, respond by sending out more applications. This causes the more selective colleges to reject even more, causing their admit rates to fall further. Which in turn means that next year’s seniors send out even more apps.
What’s a Mom to Do
If your teen is just beginning their college search, encourage them to view the landscape from a bigger perspective. When my kids were high school juniors, I gave them the latest edition of “Best Colleges” by Princeton Review with the assurance that we’d happily help them pay for any college in the guide. The 2015 edition includes 379 colleges ranked on multiple lists, including the happiest students. (Click here to read more about this annual college guide.)
John Katzman, who founded the Princeton Review, encourages students to look at the top 100 superior schools instead of just focusing on the top 10 elite schools. Katzman notes that while the most elite schools have kept the size of their undergraduate student bodies pretty much the same, many selective schools (like the U of Michigan, U of CA at Berkeley, and Boston University) have significantly expanded the number they can accommodate. In addition, other schools (like New York University and Southern California) have upgraded to the ranks of those that are generally considered elite. Katzman says that these two trends taken together mean that if a student applies widely within the universe of the 100 or even the 50 most highly regarded colleges, their odds are better than they were decades ago that one will take them.
If you’ve got a college-bound senior, here are a few things to keep in mind as the college letters roll in.
– Don’t treat a rejection letter like a disaster. Your reaction will affect your teen’s reaction. So remind yourself (and your teen) that students with a determination to succeed can thrive at almost any school. Although your teen may think that their first choice college is the only path to success, in reality a great education is available at most schools.
– The most prestigious school on your teen’s list may not be the best one for them. It may be the most fun to name-drop, but it might not be the place where they’ll be the happiest. If students keep an open mind, there’s a good chance they’ll end up loving wherever they go. But if they don’t love it, they aren’t stuck there. They can always transfer.
– Many of the most successful people were rejected before succeeding. This very long list of successful folks includes Steven Spielberg who was turned down by both USC and UCLA film schools. He ended up attending the less prestigious Cal State, and then went on to become one of the world’s most popular and influential filmmakers. The thing all these folks have in common is that they refused to let others determine what their talents and interests were.
– Getting rejected by a dream school can give your teen a chance to step back and reevaluate what they really value in a school. It’s easy for a teen to get caught up in the prestige of a big-name school and overlook some qualities they wouldn’t have liked if they’d ended up there. Getting rejected can motivate a teen to step back and prioritize the things they want most from a college experience regardless of the school’s name.
– When it comes to getting a job, where your teen goes to college probably won’t make or break the deal. While seeing Harvard or Stanford at the top of a resume might impress an employer, there are things that impress them much more. A recent Newsweek survey found that when it comes to hiring, employers value experience, confidence, and even appearance above where the applicant attended school.
Like Claire, we too want to help when our kids get rejected. But we too long for proof that all that our kids have done – the late night studying, sports practices, theatre or band rehearsals, chess or robotics club – has paid off. Rejection can make us feel like our kids don’t quite measure up. And that somehow we don’t either.
So when a college rejection letter comes, it can help to take a few minutes to remember what you want most. After all, a mom’s dream come true is not just to have our kids get in and make it through college. What we really want is for them to be able to support themselves doing work that they love – work that engages and fulfills them. And progress towards this goal can be achieved at almost any college.
Your Parenting Experiences
What was your college application experience like? How much were your parents involved in the process? What did they do that helped? What didn’t help? What do you think your kids would say about your involvement?
Sources and Resources: The Best 379 Colleges, 2015 Edition by the Princeton Review; “The Elite Squeeze” by Frank Bruni in Time (March 30, 2015); “Why Being Rejected by Your Dream School Isn’t the End of the World” by Jessica Kane in the Huffington Post; “Application Inflation: When Is Enough Enough?” by Eric Hoover in the New York Times; “College Rejection: Hey It’s OK If You Didn’t Get Into Your Dream School” in Huff Post Teen
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