Roxane Lehmann, Ph.D.

Season 4, Episode 6, Yard Sale

Claire Got It Wrong – On So Many Levels

The Framework
Where else but at a “Modern Family” yard sale could you see a man wearing a $10,000 watch, haggling over 15 cents? Where else could Phil be seen on both a streetstrider and a Harley and then admitting, I know I looked super cool [on the Harley] on the outside, but on the inside, I was terrified. And where else could there be this exchange between two men and a dog.
Man: You selling that potbellied pig?
Jay (to his dog): You’re not a pig. You’re Daddy’s little girl.

Yard Sale’s takeaway lesson seems to be about how things aren’t always what they look like on the surface. Two additional storylines remind that sometimes what’s seen on the surface can override everything else.

When a suitcase from Columbia that’s been stored in the attic turns out to have a puppet inside, Gloria is pressured to tell about her talent act as a ventriloquist years ago in a beauty pageant. In short, she froze and went totally silent during her act, but still won the competition. Imagine this when I was 18, she explains, pointing to her chest.

But it was the storyline that began with this exchange that caught and held my attention.
Cameron: Well, well, well. What is this all about? Is there a new man in Alex’s life?
Claire: Well, she certainly thinks so. Is there any way that boy is straight?
Mitchell: Ooh, what’s going on? Who are we looking at?
Claire: Uh, it’s Alex’s new “boyfriend” Michael.
Mitchell: What’s up with the air quotes?
Cameron: She thinks he’s gay.
Claire: Look, I like Michael. I really do. I just don’t want her to get her heart broken. When it comes to boys, her self-esteem is low enough as it is.

Flipping the Frame: My Notes
If Michael is gay, he’s not claiming it. And, even if her intentions were to save Alex from heartbreak, it was wrong – on so many levels – for Claire to try to pigeonhole him that way.

For starters, there is no formulaic way to determine if someone is gay or not. Just as straight folks don’t all act the same way, neither do people who are gay. Although Alex’s boyfriend was depicted with many of the traits we’ve come to think of as “gay,” the signals people send about their sexual orientation are often mixed and complex. This is especially true with teens who are still figuring out who they are.

Beyond that, as Mitchel pointed out, [Alex] is fourteen. No matter who that boy is, he’s not gonna last. Mitch is right. Almost all teen relationships will end in a breakup. Knowing this, it’s still usually wise to step back, remaining watchful but letting the process unfold. Because even though our teens may experience some emotional bumps and bruises along the way, when we interfere like Claire did, our teens are likely to reject our advice, and they’ll almost certainly resent our interference.

What’s a Mom to Do
Like other aspects of our teens’ social worlds, there are limits to what we can do when it comes to their romantic lives. Most of their social issues are best addressed by our teens learning gradually how to manage them for themselves.

We can help this process most by focusing on our own relationships with our teens rather than on meddling or making demands. Here are a few tips for staying connected and optimizing your influence by taking a collaborative approach before, during, and after a teen romance.

Share your values before their first romance. Even though some values may differ from one family to the next, most of us want our children to hold many of the same values when it comes to their romantic lives and sexual behavior. In her book “The Thinking Parent’s Guide to Talking Sense About Sex,“ Deborah Roffman suggests the following guiding principles about sexual behavior: It should be meaningful, it should occur in the context of a caring relationship, it should be freely chosen, it should be responsible, it should be private.

In addition, many parents don’t approve of teens having sexual intercourse, believing that it should be in the context of a deeply committed adult relationship. If this is your position, it’s critical that you say so. But remember, saying “no” is no guarantee that it won’t happen. So as Dr. Ruth Westheimer said years ago, “We need to teach kids everything and then encourage them to wait.”

Whatever our values, it’s important that we share them with our teens in ongoing conversations. Although it’s never too late, ideally these discussions begin before our teens start dating so that they will have our caring adult voice and perspective to guide their earliest actions and decisions. Because without them, our teens will have only their peers and the media to draw upon for guidance.

Beware of trying to control your teen’s romance. If you (like Claire) are tempted to step-in and interfere in your teen’s love life, remind yourself of what your teen may be getting out of the relationship. All romances offer some level of friendship and acceptance. Given all the changes of adolescence, this added security can be a real advantage for any teen, and for a more introverted teen like Alex it can be especially so.

If you’re worried about the intensity of your teen’s relationship, say so. But it’s wise to keep your comments focused on the changes you’ve noticed in your teen. For example, “You seem more tired than usual.” or “You missed your curfew again; that’s not like you.” or “I haven’t seen much of your other friends lately.” Float these observations by your teen with as much dispassion as you can muster. Because nothing cements a romantic relationship like a parent’s controlling rants.

Don’t shrug off the hurt of a breakup. Breakups can be harder on teens than for adults because teens don’t have the perspective or the fully developed identity that help adults manage the sadness, pain, and confusion of a breakup. So when teens are in a relationship that fails, they can feel devastated – even if the relationship lasted only a few months or a matter of weeks. This is true for boys as well as girls.

Although it can be difficult to watch our teens endure pain, experiences like these can help them gain perspective, learn about themselves, and build resilience. So it’s important that we don’t try to takeover their problems in an attempt to minimize their pain or preserve their self-esteem. But when they’re going through a breakup, they can use our quiet presence more than ever.

We can do small things to show that we care – such as making their favorite foods and making it easier for them to spend time with their friends. We can make a point of being around more and available to talk. And we can offer to take them out for coffee or ice cream so that we can be a sounding board as they process what they learned and how this shapes their future thinking. Remember, though, to only offer advice if you’re asked.

BottomLine
Claire interferes in Alex’s love life – and even gets Mitch and Cam to help – because she fears Alex can’t take the hurt of a breakup. As Claire put it, [Alex] is just sarcastic on the outside. Inside, she’s just a fragile little girl. But later, after the meddling, there’s this.
Alex: Well, I hope you’re both happy. Michael is not gay. Now he hates me. Thanks a lot.

In reality, dating can cause disconnect between our teens and us. It can even cause our teens to rebel. Or it can be an experience that helps our teens grow – strengthening their identity and adding to their wisdom for dealing with more serious relationships down the road. By staying involved without becoming controlling, we can minimize the chances for rebellion while boosting their chances for growth.

What are your thoughts?

---

I'd love to have you become a regular reader. Join my mailing list to be notified by email of new blog posts here. And if you enjoyed this post, please consider sharing it on Facebook below.

Draw the Boundaries But Don’t Make Them Battle Lines

At this point, curfew and chores are tied for the most votes in last week’s poll about what we battle about most. Together those two issues make up two-thirds of the tug-of-wars we have with our teens.

The curfew battles often begin with them wanting to stay out later than we want:
Them: I wanna stay out until 1:00 tonight. Everybody else gets to.
Us: What? That’s after curfew – not just ours but the city’s too. No way.
Them: But listen! Just listen to me for a minute!

The chore battles tend to begin with us wanting them to do something they’d rather not do:
Us: The kitchen trash is about to overflow. It’s your job to take it out. Please do it right now.
Them: Why am I the only one who ever has to do stuff around here? I’ll take it out as soon as I get done [whatever…]

We want one thing. They want something else. And the battle is on.

Often the curfew and chore battles are about our kids trying to push the boundaries to make sure we mean what we say. And when they are testing our limits, it’s usually best to limit ourselves to just one more line. For example:

Us: You’re to be home by 11:30. If you’re not, there will be consequences.

Us: The garbage needs to go out now. If you don’t have it done in the next few minutes, I’ll do it and you’ll have to deal with the consequences.

Nothing quells a battle more effectively than silence. Yes, it’s tempting to fire off a retort beginning with Don’t you dare…! But that eggs teens on, and they’re likely to battle back with Just watch me! – a reply they always have at the ready. So say your parting line, make eye contact, and then walk away, ignoring whatever comes next.

Our teens know what gets to us and keeps us engaged in battle. They know that their threats of disobedience (like You can’t make me! or You can’t stop me! or I don’t care!) and swearing are particularly effective at keeping us going – just in a different direction. And they want us to stay in the battle because they prefer to deal with us than with their conscience.

But this internal battle is exactly the one we want them to face. We want our teens to have to listen to and wrestle with their inner voice – that voice whispering to them to do what they know is right and that source of bad feelings when they don’t. So it’s best to silently walk away, letting them have the last word, ignoring their threats of disobedience, and dealing only with actual rule breaking. And if you feel that you have to address their back talk, do it later after things cool down. To try to deal with it in the heat of battle will only fan their fire.

While it’s often best to restate our position and then walk away, we want to make sure that our default is not permanently set at “no.” So next week we’ll take a look at how and when to say “yes” to extending curfews and renegotiating agreements about chores.

See you next Monday!

---

I'd love to have you become a regular reader. Join my mailing list to be notified by email of new blog posts here. And if you enjoyed this post, please consider sharing it on Facebook below.