Roxane Lehmann, Ph.D.

Modern Family: Season 6, Episode 9, Strangers in the Night

Alex Has an Unbelievable Boyfriend

The Framework
Tonight all three households deal with “trust” and “truth” – the foundation trust is built on. Cam and Mitch get a fancy-schmancy couch to show Lily that they trust her enough to let them have one nice thing. And Jay accuses Manny of double crossing him, making it impossible for him to weasel his way out of attending a picnic with Gloria. But it’s over at the Dunphy’s where trust is most fully called into question.

It begins with this.
Haley (holding a long-stem rose): Look what someone left in our mailbox. Again.
Claire: That’s like our fifth one, isn’t it? It’s getting kind of creepy.
Haley: Oh, relax. It’s probably just from Victor – that flower delivery guy I dated.
Alex: Has it ever occurred to you that those flowers could be for me?
Phil: What do you mean?
Alex: I mean like from my boyfriend.
Phil: What?
Claire: You have a boyfriend? … Honey, it’s so exciting! Why didn’t you tell us?
Alex: Because I knew you’d get all weird and ask a million STUPID questions.
Claire (blurting): What did he look like? How did you meet him?
Alex: Okay. I’ll show you a photo (reaching for her phone). Well, I would but now my phone is not working. Oh, Oh, here he is (holding up an ad).
Phil: In the supermarket flier?
Alex: He’s a model.
Haley: Oh, wait! Wait! Your boyfriend is a model?
Claire (incredulously): Well, how did you meet him? There’s not much crossover for a National Honor Society student and a pork model.
Alex: Actually, it’s a really long story.

As Alex walks away, Phil, Claire, and Haley huddle.
Phil: That’s terrific news. I can’t believe she didn’t tell us about him.
Haley: Oh that’s what you can’t believe?
Phil: What do you mean?
Claire: Phil, it’s a little weird. I mean suddenly she has this boyfriend. She wants to show us a picture on her phone, but she can’t. And magically he’s in today’s paper. Huhh. I don’t even want to say it. Haley…
Haley: She’s making it up.

Later Claire and Phil seek Alex out to continue the conversation.
Claire: Your father and I think we owe you an apology … This morning when we didn’t think the rose could be for you, it seemed like maybe it hurt your feelings.
Alex: I guess. A little.
Claire: I am so sorry to make you feel bad. It’s completely believable that you would have an admirer … What we’re worried about is that we’ve created an environment in which you feel it’s necessary to…
Phil: Embell…
Claire: Fanta…
Phil: Exagger…
Alex: Oh my God! You guys don’t think [my boyfriend] is real!
Claire: Sweetheart, I remember the pressure there was to fit-in in high school.
Phil: So do I. And whether you try to fit-in by saying you fought a baby bear or by making up a boyfriend…
Alex: You guys are unbelievable! You really think I’m that pathetic that I have to create some imaginary boyfriend?! … Well, he’s real.

Flipping the Frame: My Notes
One of the most important aspects of parent teen communication is trust.

Teens want to feel trusted by their parents. Often their reasoning goes something like this: “You have to trust me. It’s a way you show you understand I’m not a little kid anymore.”

We parents also very much believe that trust is important. Our thinking typically goes something like this: “If we can’t trust them on this (whatever the current topic), then what can we trust them on?” We saw this with Claire and Phil tonight.
Claire: It makes me wonder about what else she’s making up. I’ve never met that girl she’s tutoring in math.
Phil: Me neither.
Claire: Because she doesn’t exist. There is no Esther Choi on earth who needs math tutoring.

While parents and teens alike value the trust between them, the reality is that from a teen’s perspective, it’s essential that some things be “none of our business.” This is how they carve out a social life and form an identity that is theirs alone – independent from that of their parents.

Thus, when our kids become teens, the straightforward dialogues we used to have with them when they were younger get a lot more complicated. And they use a variety of strategies to make the conversations complicated – complications that often take the form of evasions, omissions, distortions, and outright fabrications.

BottomLine
Alex (to her parents): Why am I even talking to you guys?! Leave!! Get out!!

Teens are outraged when we disbelieve them and they’re telling the truth. And they’re just as outraged when they’re not. Because if teens don’t feel trusted, they don’t feel respected either. And respect is like air to teens. If you take it away, it’s all they can think about.

They roll their eyes. They shout as they stomp away in a huff. And any remaining hope for a conversation goes with the slam of their bedroom door.

What’s a Mom to Do?
There is an art to talking with a teen. Below are some basic guidelines to help you keep the conversations going with your teen.

Stop to clarify. When our teens suddenly explode, we’re wise to consider the possibility that the conversation we think we’re having may actually be about something else entirely. Pausing can help you get your mind straight. And gentle probing can help you figure out why they stomped off in a huff. But it often pays to let them share what’s on their mind at their own pace. So be prepared for a bit of a wait.

When in doubt, say nothing. Not every teen comment requires a reply from us – at least not immediately. So reflect first and follow up later. (I’m talking to you too, Claire).

To learn more, ask. Because most teens view pleasing us as their number one job, most of their answers relay only what they think we want to hear. So be prepared with some probing follow-ups. (For example, “And then what happened?”)

Probe carefully, watching for their reaction. Don’t ask questions that come across as judgments. (Questions that begin with, “Why do you…?” tend to sound like accusations.) And don’t pummel them with questions either – as Claire did tonight. Instead be patient, leaving some space for silence between questions to make sure that they’re finished before asking your next question.

Know when to take a break and do it. Don’t stop just because they make you feel like you’re intruding. But sometimes you have to put a bookmark in your conversation and set a time for picking it up again later. Your teen will let you know when it’s time to take a break. You just have to do it.

Trust is something teens have to earn. But understanding “truth” – the foundation on which trust is built – requires a more fully developed sense of morality and a more fully developed prefrontal cortex. This development happens slowly as teens experiment and experience consequences.

Full maturation may take well into the twenties. Our job is to keep the conversations going so that we can stay involved and participate in the process. In the meantime, it’s wise to expect the truth. But don’t be surprised if you don’t always get it.

Your Parenting Experiences
Were there some things you considered “none of your parents’ business” when you were a teen? If so, what kinds of things were on that list? How about your kids – do you think that they withhold some kinds of information from you?

Sources and Resources: 7 Things Your Teenager Won’t Tell You by Jeniffer Lippincott & Robin Deutsch, Ph.D.; “Learning to Lie” by Po Bronson in the New York Times; Trust Me, Mom… by Roni Cohen-Sandler, Ph.D.; Get Out of My Life… by Anthony Wolf

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Modern Family: Season 5, Episode 19, A Hard Jay’s Night

Phil Gets His Teens to Open Up

The Framework
Tonight most of the clan is gathered at Jay’s for the traditional Jay’s Night – a time when the grandkids come over to watch a movie they’d never choose on their own. The evening began with this:
Jay: Our feature presentation [tonight is] “The Great Escape.” Speaking of which, Haley…
Haley: Don’t worry, Grandpa. I’m not leaving. I have no plans for tonight.
Alex: Me either.
Haley: But when I say it, it’s news.
Alex: When you say any complete sentence, it’s news.

This time Luke is the one set on skedaddling. But the grandkids’ escapades aren’t what made Jay’s night hard. It was how he squabbled with Claire and withheld praise – especially for how she handled things during his week away from the office. It turns out, he’s more anxious about handing over control of his high-end closet company to Claire than he can admit.

Cam and Mitch are at Jay’s Night too – adding to the mayhem with their out-of-control need to be the one in control of their upcoming wedding. This time the issue is a cake topper.
Cam: My dad made this. He’s a world-class soap carver. Once when I was a kid, I cussed and my mom washed my mouth out with the Leaning Tower of Pisa.
Mitch isn’t happy with his kicky-leg likeness and is determined to do-away with it. But by the end it’s clear that the whole thing is Cam’s ploy to give the boot to Mitch’s choice for a wedding singer.

Meanwhile Phil finds a buyer for the space Gloria and Manny lived in before she met Jay. While Gloria dithers about selling the place, she and Phil stop by the neighborhood’s hair salon where she used to work. The salon is short-handed, and the two pitch right in.
Gloria: I don’t want to ruin my nails. Phil, will you do my shampooing.
Phil: Well, I guess so. … Just a warning, I haven’t shampooed professionally since college and that was only part-time to pay for my cheer gear … What we got, double sinks? What’s the nozzle sitch?

Later Gloria admits that she’s ashamed about selling the apartment. As she puts it: I used to work for every penny. I would stand on my own two feet. Now I just stand on expensive shoes that Jay buys for me … It’s the last piece of the old me.

Flipping the Frame: My Notes
Tonight Jay battles Claire with the makings of a spaghetti dinner for the kids. Mitch and Cam go round and round over a cake topper. While Gloria beats herself up about letting her old apartment go even though it’s been years since she lived there.

These things all seem pretty inconsequential in the bigger scheme of things. But they don’t feel small to those doing the fighting. Because it feels to them like they’re fighting to maintain who they are.

And these folks are adults. They’ve had years to form and solidify their identity. Imagine for a minute how much more difficult things must be for teens who are in the middle of figuring out what makes them unique and different than others.

In fact, identity formation is a key task for teens. It ranks right up there with battling for independence. So it’s little wonder that our kids sometimes clam up to keep their distance. Or treat us like we’ve become the enemy if they get any inkling that we’re putting our interest before theirs. They fear losing themselves before they’ve even figured out who they are.

BottomLine
Claire (at the computer): Oh what the hell!
Phil: What’s going on?
Claire: The kids unfriended me again! How am I supposed to know what’s going on in their lives if they never talk to me?!
Phil: Honey, I got this.

With that, Phil jumps into action, giving salon-style shampoos, one-at-a-time, to all three kids.

What’s a Mom to Do?
I’m not suggesting you go corral your teen with shampoo and towel in hand. But Phil was on to something tonight when he decided to wash his kids’ hair to get them to open up. Here are some Phil inspired tips for getting your teen to talk to you.

Put the spotlight on your relationship. Build times into your everyday routine that are just about connecting with your teen. It takes perseverance and creativity, but when you develop regular ways for spending time with your teen, they will come to depend on them and gain a sense of security from your consistent connection. And there’s something in it for you too: parenting will become more manageable and a lot more fun.

Do something out of the ordinary. You might plan a dinner at a nice restaurant – one fancy enough to require a little dressing up. There is something about this unfamiliar setting – the formality, the leisureliness, the lack of their friends and yours – that encourages teens to share more about themselves. But don’t expect your teen to open up during the first course. As I recall from my kids’ teen days, the best conversations typically began over dessert and sometimes continued as we walked to the car and all the way home.

Be available when they’re most likely to talk. Teens often open up when minimal eye contact is required. This includes on walks, when riding in the passenger seat of the car, or in the dark. My teens were most likely to share their doubts and worries when I’d come into their bedrooms and sit on the edge of their bed to say a final goodnight after the lights were off.

Pay attention to your teen’s indirect signals that they want to talk. It can be really tough when you’re working on a demanding deadline or it’s 1 AM. But to teens our availability in these times is an indication of whether they can count on us when they need us. And these conversations are often much more important to our connection with our teens than the ones we try to initiate.

If you reach out and get rejected, try not to take it personally. It helps to remember that our teens see their job as extending away from us. And they haven’t matured enough to always be gracious as they go about this. Still it can hurt when they reject our offers to connect. Instead of responding angrily, you might softly say “ouch” to let them know that it doesn’t feel good to be pushed away. Later, let them know how much you want to be connected with them. And then don’t let their initial rejection keep you from trying again.

The chief complaint of parents with teenagers is that their teens won’t open up and talk with them. And it’s our job as their parents to do something about this. Because our teens need someone in their lives who they can talk with about their doubts and worries. Someone who helps them feel stronger and more confident than before they opened up and shared. Someone they see as a trusted ally. It’s our job to court this type of relationship with our teens so that we can help make up for what they’re lacking.

Your Parenting Experiences
The work it takes to stay connected with a teen feels a lot like courting – the creativity, the perseverance, the potential for rejection. What kinds of things do you do to court your teen?

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