Roxane Lehmann, Ph.D.

The parents I work with (as well as those who’ve completed research surveys for nearly two decades) rank “honesty” as the trait they most want to see in their children. For parents, no other trait even comes close.

For the average teen, however, truth (or lack of it) is often simply a way to get to do what they want to do. In fact, according to researcher Nancy Darling, teens are much more likely to lie than to protest a rule.

So once our kids become teens, the dialogues around their requests – regardless of the closeness of our relationships with them – get a whole lot more complicated. And they use a variety of strategies to make the conversations complicated. For example …

Them: Ben is having some kids over Saturday night. Can I go?

Us: You know the rules. Will his parents be home during the party?

Them (evading the question): I’m sure he wouldn’t be allowed to have kids over if his parents weren’t going to be home.

Or

Them: For sure. Both his mom and dad will be there (omitting the fact that they’ll be there for only part of the evening).

Or

Them (distorting the facts): Who said it’s a party? He’s just having a few kids over to hang out.

Or

Them (totally fabricating the facts): Yes! Of course, his parents will be there the whole time.

Most teens – in the spirit of growing up and making their own decisions as well as to protect us from what they feel is needless worry – feel compelled to withhold information and put certain things in the “none of your business” category.

Some parents respond by laying down the law with lots of lectures and warnings and way too many rules to adequately enforce. Other parents envision a tradeoff between strictness and staying informed. They think that the best way to encourage their kids to keep them in the loop (so they can help if needed) is to not set rules.

In reality, the parents who are most in the loop have strategies in place that teach their teens about the worth of honesty. These parents:

– Are clear about their values and have a few, unambiguous rules that are based on their values

– Are consistent about explaining, monitoring, and enforcing these rules

– Give their teens quite a bit of freedom to make their own decisions in other areas and gradually let their teens earn more freedom by being responsible and trustworthy.

This kind of parenting takes a lot of work. But the extra effort pays off. After all, the cornerstone of our relationship with our teens is trust. Trust is what keeps us from becoming nervous wrecks when they’re out of our sight. And when teens feel our trust, they are much less likely to do anything to jeopardize it.

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When our kids become teens it’s time to give up our role as their managers and start parenting like proactive consultants. To be successful at our new job, we need to stay connected to our teens. Because if they are to learn how to make good decisions and do the right thing, they need our input more than ever.

Sounds easy enough. But there’s a catch. Teens see their job as extending away from us and getting to do what they want to do. And because their brains are wired to reward risk taking and to underestimate bad consequences, for them, getting to do what they want to do really boils down to dealing with us, their parents.

How we respond to this challenge depends on the parenting style we use. Whether we take a micromanaging boss, a permissive friend, or a proactive consultant approach, our parenting style forms the mostly unconscious stance we take when we interact with our teens. And as the curfew example below shows, our stance affects how our teens think and act in response.

Teen: There’s a party I want to go to on Saturday night. It’s going to be awesome!

Parent: You know the rules – parents have to be home and you have to call in if your plans change.

Teen: That’s fine. But the party is after the game. So can I stay out until 1:00?

Micromanaging Boss Stance

Parent: What?! 1:00 in the morning? That’s after the city curfew! Absolutely not!!

Permissive Friend Stance

Parent: I don’t know, sweetie. That’s pretty late. Let me think about it.

Teen: C’mon. This is a big deal. Everybody is going. And I really want to go. Pleeeeease!

Parent: All right, I’ll let you go. But you’ve got to promise me that you’ll come straight home after the party.

Proactive Consultant Stance

Parent: I don’t know, sweetie. That’s pretty late.

Teen: C’mon. I’m a good kid. You know I almost always get home by my 11:30 curfew.

Parent: That’s true. But there are reasons why you have an 11:30 curfew – most of them having to do with your safety.

Teen: Yeah, but remember the couple times you’ve let me stay out past my curfew? I handled everything just fine. I think I’ve earned this by following the rules and being responsible.

Parent: I’m willing to think about it. But if I let you stay out that late, I still need to be a responsible parent. And 1:00 is after the city curfew. So what are you willing to do to assure me that you’ll stay safe and follow the law if I let you stay out that late?

Teen: How ‘bout this? I’ll check in at 11:30 just so you’ll know I’m okay. Then instead of driving home after the party, I’ll get a ride with Sam – he always gets picked up by one of his parents. That way I won’t be breaking the city curfew law. And I’ll even come home two hours early on Friday night so you won’t have to stay up late on both nights.

C’mon. You know that’s a pretty good deal for you. And I won’t mess-up. I promise.

When we fear that they will go in the wrong direction, it’s natural to respond by trying to hold on to them tighter. When we worry, all of our instincts tell us to become a micromanaging boss. We give lots of warnings, lectures, and restrictions. Under this regime, teens learn that to get to do what they want, they have to outwardly acquiesce and then sneak and lie to get around us. And if they run into problems, they’ll be reluctant to seek our input. Instead, they’ll have only their own instincts (and those of their like-minded friends) to guide them.

Sometimes, to avoid becoming a micromanaging boss or to steer clear of all the battles, we overcompensate. We so value the close connections that we’ve established with our teens that we turn into a permissive friend. We become reluctant to set and enforce limits, putting few demands on our teens’ behavior and giving them more freedom than they’re ready for. Under this system, teens learn that if they pester us long enough, we’ll say yes to just about anything they want to do. And if something does go wrong, they don’t get a chance to learn from their mistakes. Instead, they let us worry about the consequences. After all, we let them do it – not because they’d earned the privilege with their past behavior but just because they really wanted to.

Neither the micromanaging boss nor the permissive friend styles of parenting get the level of control right. Micromanaging bosses stay involved but act like they own the controls with their default set on no. Permissive friends stay connected but surrender control entirely, saying yes even when the answer should be no.

Proactive consultants stay connected to their teens and gradually relinquish control as their teens earn more freedom choice-by-choice and deed-by-deed. When proactive consultants have to say no, they shift the conversation to why. By sharing their reasons for saying no, these parents let their teens see how their brains work. And by sharing their concerns they are helping to train their teens’ brains.

Parenting like a proactive consultant is a lot of work. It is much easier to be a micromanaging boss or a permissive friend. But a huge body of research says the effort is worth it. The evidence overwhelmingly shows that teens with parents who act like proactive consultants are at an advantage. These teens are more open to their parents’ influence. They get a better chance to hone planning, negotiating, and problem solving skills. This adds to the teens’ self-assurance and ability to withstand stress and negative influences. And these teens learn that past behavior matters – something that all kids need to learn.

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