Roxane Lehmann, Ph.D.

Modern Family: Season 5, Episode 4, Farm Strong

Everybody Has a Sensitive Side

The Framework
Members from every family “got in-touch with their sensitive side” tonight. Alex begrudges losing to Jay in “Words with Friends.” Gloria has qualms about getting older. Even Claire seems reflective as she thinks back on how her mother never attended any of her things as a kid. But nobody’s sensitivity matched that of Phil or Cam.

Claire and Phil, tired of watching Luke sit on the bench, skip out of his soccer tournament and then become guilt-ridden by their decision. At least Phil did:
I killed a bunch of baby birds. … and now the mom is just staring at me. … None of this would have happened if we’d gone to Luke’s game. … We’re terrible parents for not going.
And later: The universe punished me. I did something awful to a bunch of baby crows.
Manny (listening-in): Actually it’s not a “bunch” of crows. It’s called a “murder.”
Phil: I know what I did!

Meanwhile, Cam’s sister Pameron whirls into town, bringing news of her engagement to Cam’s first boy-crush and the farm family’s drama with her:
The whole family said you wouldn’t take it well. … Everyone knows, Cam. You’re not farm strong. … You’re weak and weepy. That’s why we can never say anything to you because we know you’ll crumble into a big heaping mess.

Pam sets Cam up to become – well … weak and weepy. Cam is right: She can be meaner than a barn owl at sunset.

Flipping the Frame: My Notes
We all have a sensitive side – a side that causes us to pay alert attention, that nudges us to think and feel deeply about what we’ve noticed, and makes us vulnerable to feelings of remorse. But some of us are more sensitive than others.

The very name Farm Strong implies that variations in sensitivity come from differences in our growing-up environments. Not long ago most scientists would have agreed. Sensitivity (and temperament in general) was believed to be mostly due to nurture rather than nature. However, years of research data since indicate that a substantial part of who we are is determined by our genes, our brains, and our nervous system. One large study (begun over two decades ago and still going on today) followed kids from infancy through adolescence and into adulthood. Based on a forty-five minute evaluation of four-month-olds, researchers were able to predict whether babies were more likely to turn into sensitive introverts or extroverts. When exposed to things like popping balloons, colorful mobiles, and the scent of alcohol on a cotton swab, about 20% of the babies were highly reactive. They cried loudly and wildly waved their arms and legs. About 40% of the babies stayed quiet and calm. And the remaining 40% landed somewhere in-between. Interestingly, it was the high-reactive babies who were likely to develop into quiet teens with a tendency to be shy, good at schoolwork, watchful, and prone to worry. These tendencies didn’t disappear in adulthood.

BottomLine

Claire (to Luke): You might want to go to the game without us tonight. …
Phil: But it’s totally up to you. Whatever you want. Because we love you very much.
Claire: Right. You can either ride with your teammates like the LA Kings or you can ride with us like Gloria and Grandpa take Joe to play dates. Professional athlete; little poopy baby; your call.
Luke: I’ll get a ride with Max.
Claire: I love that kid!
Phil: Can you imagine how easy our lives would be if it was just him? I mean…
Alex (walking by): I know what you mean.

Some teens, like Alex, are more sensitive to their environment – they seem to see and feel things more. These teens have especially excitable amygdala or emotional brains. But teens in general – regardless of their fundamental temperament – have more excitable emotional brains than the rest of us.

Recently researchers ran a study to compare how adults and teens process social signals. They found that in adults the frontal lobes (their rational brain) and emotional brain work together to make sophisticated judgments when interpreting social signals. Teens on the other hand – especially younger teens – relied heavily on their emotional brains when identifying emotions. They responded with gut reactions to emotional stimuli. And one of the most common mistakes made by teens was to mistake fear or worry for anger.

The bottom line is our teens don’t see what we see when they interpret our interactions with them. They often see anger and aggression when none exists.

So what’s a mom to do?

In the book Anger by Carol Travis there’s a story about a Bengali cobra that provides some clues. The cobra has a nasty habit of biting villagers who cross his path. Finally, a swami – a man who had achieved a high level of enlightenment – convinces the cobra that biting is wrong. The cobra promises to stop biting at once, and does. But, alas, it’s not long before the village boys grow unafraid of the snake and start to abuse it. When the battered snake complains to the swami that this is what keeping his promise has brought him, the swami replies: I told you not to bite. But I did not tell you not to hiss.

Sometimes we moms need to a hiss – to warn or to show our disapproval. We all have areas in our lives that need improving. Really loving someone means you care enough to address these areas. This is especially true with teens. They’re counting on us for guidance. But even when our intentions are good, our guidance isn’t always helpful – instead it creates anger, resentment, and a desire for revenge in our teens. Because our teens mistake our hiss for a bite.

Our teens’ emotional brains are a lot like an exposed tooth root. Even the slightest sensation is exaggerated. So we’re wise to be especially careful to relay our criticism as a hiss meant to help rather than a biting personal attack:
– Helpful criticism is done face-to-face and in private.
– It deals with the specific problem at hand instead of piling on all the things we’re unhappy about.
– And it doesn’t judge or categorize the teen by labeling them. Labeling our teens puts them on the defensive, making them no longer receptive to what we have to say to them.

And when our teens flair-up in anger, we’re at our best if we can minimize the attack on our senses by taking it as a hiss rather than a bite. We may be shaken by their cutting remarks as they challenge a statement or decision we made. And if their words are not acceptable, we need to let them know that. But we also must try to listen to their meaning. And what they’re trying to say is often quite simple: Respect me. My views are important too.

Everybody has a sensitive side – especially teens. But take heart. Those researchers studying how teens process social signals followed the kids for years and found some good news: The teens’ prefrontal regions became more active and their judgments more accurate as they matured.

Your Parenting Experiences
As a baby my daughter was like those high-reactive babies in that study. As a teen she shared some of the traits we see in Alex. My son, on the other hand, was a much calmer baby and easy-going as a teen – more like Luke. What about your teens? Are they more sensitive or more easy-going? Could you have predicted it from their demeanor as a baby?

Sources: Quiet: The Power of Introverts by Susan Cain

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Modern Family: Season 5, Episode 3, Larry’s Wife

Claire and Phil Aren’t Paying Attention

The Framework

“Control” is what knotted the plotlines together tonight on Modern Family. After agreeing to let Cam plan their wedding, Mitch has trouble letting go of control. Look no further than the fake cat funeral to see why. As Cam admits: This was supposed to be a small service. But I don’t winnow down. I overdo. Meanwhile at the Pritchett’s, Gloria is worrying that a family curse has put baby Joe under the devil’s control. And over at the Dunphy household things are getting out of control.
Phil: I’ve been on something of a hot streak at work. I’ve tapped into a rich vein of new clients: recently divorced moms. You might say I hit the single mother lode.

With Phil on his hot streak and Claire preoccupied with her new job, Luke has been hosting poker games in the basement, and his luck seems to have gone cold. As he laments: We lost everything down there.

Flipping the Frame: My Notes

Claire and Phil seem oblivious to the money (among other things) changing hands in their basement. But so what? What’s the big deal if kids get together and gamble – especially if it’s in your or a neighbor’s basement?

Parents’ answers to this question vary. Some parents are all for teen gambling – even citing benefits such as social interaction, practice with math and number skills, and learning to consider risks. Other parents are wary, but condone it – explaining that they can’t stop their kids, that it means they know where their kids are, and that the standard $10 buy-in is less than their teen would spend going to a movie. Yet other parents frown on their kids getting involved in any type of gambling. Pointing to the research on the impulsivity of the developing teen brain, they worry that their kids will keep playing even when losing a great deal or that gambling now may set their kids up for lifelong trouble.

So what’s a mom to do?

Regardless of which parent camp you’re in, your best bet is to negotiate with your teen. As strange as it sounds, negotiating makes it more likely that your teen will honor the limits you set – whatever they are.

Stay with me now. This doesn’t mean your kid gets to do whatever they want. On the contrary, kids need limits regardless of their age. And kids of all ages seem to be programmed to test those limits.

When kids are young, our limits are a lot like walls. As long as we’re sturdy, they’re not going to walk all over us. But as our kids get bigger, stronger, and smarter, our sturdy presence is not enough. Because our limits become more like lines. It’s our job to draw those lines so that our teens know what is acceptable and what is out of bounds. But our teens have to decide whether or not to step over those lines. To keep our teens healthy and safe requires their cooperation. And we can go a long way in gaining our teens’ cooperation when it comes to gambling (and everything else) by being willing to negotiate with them.

Negotiating doesn’t mean giving into your teen. It doesn’t even mean always giving ground. Instead to negotiate means:
– Engaging your teen in open-minded discussions.
– Listening to them without interruption and respecting their right to have an opinion different than yours no matter how crazy their idea is.
– Letting your teen know what your concerns, values, and boundaries are.
– Being flexible and saying “yes” if your teen fully addresses your concerns so that you can say “yes” and still be a responsible parent.
– And it means holding the line and explaining why you can’t give an inch (and what it would take for you to reevaluate the situation down the road) as objectively and respectfully as possible when you have to say “no.”

BottomLine

Haley: Thanks for winning my computer back.
Luke: And getting me all my money.
Alex: Yeah. If only I’d stopped there. But I had to go back down. I got greedy, and I was careless.
Haley: There’s a story about that I remember from school. Icarus flew too close to his son; I think their wings bumped; one of them fell. I think they might have been ducks. Anyway, the lesson is you have to pay attention.

Teens aren’t the only ones who have to pay attention when gambling. In fact, teen social gambling is only a big problem if we parents are not paying attention.

Paying attention starts with drawing the line between what is acceptable and what is not for your teen. If you consider any form of gambling out of bounds, you need to say so. If you’re willing to condone some social gambling, then you need to be clear about what is acceptable – when, where, with whom, how, and how much. And you need to keep tabs on what they’re doing and step in if you see that the pot is getting too big, the kids are starting to write IOUs to each other, or they’re starting to collateral their personal belongings.

And you need to monitor your teen’s behavior to make sure that their low-stakes gambling isn’t turning into a high-stakes problem. This means keeping an eye out for troubling signs like these:
– Borrowing from family and friends and not repaying
– Missing personal belongings
– Spending lots of time at online gaming sites
– Being overly concerned with sports scores
– Having unexplained debts or large amounts of cash
– Having unexplained absences from school or falling grades
– Withdrawing from activities, friends, and family
– Being distracted, moody, or anxious

Claire. Phil. Pay attention!

Your Parenting Experiences

Poker parties may not be quite as popular as they were a few years back. But now that football season has started, many kids are getting involved in fantasy football. And if money starts changing hands, the fun turns into gambling.

Does your teen have a fantasy football team? Is money changing hands? If so, what do you consider acceptable?

Sources: Teens + Gambling = Trouble http://today.uchc.edu/headlines/2005/jun05/teengambling.html

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