Roxane Lehmann, Ph.D.

Modern Family: Season 5, Episode 22, Message Received

Message Received – But Was It What They Really Wanted to Convey?

The Framework
In tonight’s episode the characters confront things outside their comfort zones, reminding just how uncomfortable that can be – for adults and kids alike.

Mitch and Cam confront the fact that the budget for their upcoming wedding has ballooned out of control, causing Cam to venture: Maybe we can send un-invitations … is that a thing? But the conversations that held my attention tonight happen in the other two households.

Over at the Dunphys, the kids find Phil’s old answering machine from his college days. To their delight, they find a message from their mom mixed in with the other recordings. But as they and Claire listen to her message, the mood in the room shifts from happy to horrified.
Claire (recorded): Phil, hey. It’s Claire. Umm… I need to tell you something, and I don’t want it to be on your machine. It’s really important – you know like life and death important … Not death. Just life. I mean it’s … Oh hell. I’m pregnant. Don’t worry; you don’t have to marry me or anything. Let’s talk as soon as you can. Why weren’t we more careful?! Stupid Duran Duran concert.

Meanwhile at the Pritchett household, family members press each other to face something they fear: the unpleasantness of eating a pickle, rubbing the dog’s belly, a bite of blood sausage. But Mitch presses Jay to confront a much bigger fear – his discomfort with the upcoming wedding.
Jay: Can I ask you a question? Why are you having such a big thing anyway?
Mitch: Well, because we’re only getting married once.
Jay: I’m just saying, why do you need to make it into a spectacle?
Mitch: Ssspectacle?!!
Jay: I don’t think I’m out of line suggesting my friends don’t want to see a father-son dance at a big gay wedding. I’m just saying I don’t how this stuff plays out with my guys from the club.
Mitch: This isn’t about them. This is about you.

Flipping the Frame: My Notes
Tonight we saw the Dunphy kids’ horror at the images they conjured up as they listened to Claire’s message recorded years ago and then again as they stood outside their parents’ bedroom and heard the door being locked.
Kids (in unison): Door lock! Run!! Ugh! Ugh! Run!!

Tonight we also saw Jay struggle to come to terms with his gay son’s sexuality. It seems that Jay has accepted the fact that Mitch is gay on a conceptual level, but now the upcoming wedding is forcing him to confront what that means on a practical level.

Most teens are like the Dunphy kids – they don’t want to think about their parents having sex. And to be honest, many of us parents are a bit like Jay: It makes many of us uncomfortable to imagine our kids as sexual – even if what we’re imagining is a heterosexual relationship.

BottomLine
Jay: Fine. I admit it; this whole wedding thing is weird to me … I didn’t choose to be uncomfortable. I was born this way.
Mitch: You know, Dad, if it really makes you that uncomfortable, then don’t come to the wedding.

Later as Jay holds his cell phone waiting for Mitch to call, I’m rooting for Jay to initiate the call. As tough as it might be for Jay, it’s his job as a parent to get his thoughts and feelings under control and begin the conversation that will let him reconnect with Mitch.

And as tough as it might be for us to talk with our kids about sex as well other things that make us uncomfortable to think about our kids engaging in – like bullying, drinking and drugs, it’s our job to do it. Because when we hold these conversations, we’re sending our kids three powerful messages. First we’re telling them that we recognize that they’re growing up and beginning to make more decisions for themselves. Second we’re showing them that our commitment to them and our concern for their wellbeing gives us the courage to initiate these uncomfortable conversations. And third we’re letting them know that that we’re always open to talking about these tough topics and that we’ll continue to bring up the subject in the future in case they have questions but are unable to ask.

What’s a Mom to Do?
Don’t wait for your teen to come to you with questions. Tough topics are too scary for most teens to bring up with their parents.

Here are some tips to help you hold tough conversations in a way that will leave you more connected with your teen than you were before you talked.

Come up with a list. Begin by making a list of all the things you’d really like to know. Here are some questions to get your thinking started: Are you getting pressure from your girlfriend/boyfriend to have sex? If you’re having sex, are you using protection? Are you part of the bullying that has been going on at school? Are you drinking when you’re hanging out with your friends? Are you and your friends getting high after school?

Then use everyday situations to spark your conversations. To help you initiate good conversations on these topics keep an eye out for news stories, young adult books, or movies and TV shows that bring up sensitive topics. Share them with your teen, and then ask what they know about the topic and whether they have any opinions or questions on the subject before sharing your own.

Begin in way that is comfortable for both of you. Talk when the two of you are alone. Riding in the car, hiking, playing one-on-one basketball, or doing a household chore together are all particularly good places to begin because they don’t require your teen to make eye contact. And if you’re more comfortable putting your ideas in writing first, start that way.

Try to put yourself in their shoes. When your teen talks, really listen to understand rather than to make a judgment call. Even when you disagree, give more positive nonverbal cues than negative ones – nod to show you’re interested, lean towards them, and smile when it’s appropriate. And don’t be afraid to touch your teen. Although some teens may prefer to be asked first, our touch conveys our unconditional love for our teens.

Be approachable. Make sure your teen knows that they can ask you anything. And when they do ask about a specific topic, find out what they already know about the subject. And then clarify what they are really asking so that you can answer their questions in a way that is detailed enough to make them feel comfortable asking additional questions but doesn’t overwhelming them.

Think carefully about what you disclose. Many parents struggle with whether or not to share their adolescent exploits with their teens. Some believe that their kids will be more likely to heed their advice if it’s based on real-life experience. On the other hand, kids can become confused when we parents present them with information and a model that contradicts what we expect of them. Plus times have changed. What may have been only somewhat risky when we were their age, may now be far more dangerous. You can be honest about sharing personal things without going into details that wouldn’t be appropriate. Remember, once you share something you can’t take it back.

Let your teen set the pace. Most kids do better with shorter bursts. So instead of thinking about it as “having the talk” and getting it done in one fell swoop, think of it as an ongoing conversation. As you talk, watch for signs that tell you your teen has had enough for now. When they signal they’re shutting down or pushing you away, it’s best to change the subject and come back to the topic another time.

We can’t assume our teens understand our family values just because they live under the same roof. We have to communicate the things we believe are important and why we have these values. As uncomfortable as holding these conversations with our kids can be, if we don’t continue to bring them up, they may never happen – or at least not in the way we want them to take place.

Your Parenting Experiences
Some of my readers have told me that they’re watching Modern Family with their teens and letting the show be the spark for conversations. How do you bring up sensitive topics with your teen?

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Modern Family: Season 5, Episode 21, Sleeper

The Dads Fall Asleep at the Wheel

The Framework
This week’s half-hour contained at least six subplots – each with a different sticky situation. What caught my attention through all the fast paced action was the interaction between the fathers and their children. Due to a bizarre bout of narcolepsy, Phil literally falls asleep at the wheel while driving – and talking to Alex. Meanwhile the kids in the other two households complain about their fathers’ inattentiveness.

Mitchell complains that his dad doesn’t notice him.
Mitchell (playing a player piano): I’m pretty good, huh?
Jay: Yeah. But you were always good. I’m just glad you stuck with it.
Mitchell: Seriously?!
Jay: What?
Mitchell: It’s playing itself!
Jay: Well, I didn’t know.
Mitchell: You honestly thought I just became a piano virtuoso, Dad? You’ve know me my whole life. Have you ever seen me take a lesson?
Jay: I thought maybe you were self-taught.
Mitchell: I’m sorry, you’re right. Like when I taught myself to play the clarinet.
Jay: Exactly!
Mitchell: I never played the clarinet!
Jay: Can we drop it? Let’s go get an ice cream.
Mitchell: What about my lactose intolerance?!
Jay: Oh, I’m not loving this game.

Manny also feels that he has to compete for Jay’s attention.
Gloria (to Manny who comes into the house limping): What happened?
Manny: It was something stupid I was trying out. And I don’t know why. Since it’s basically impossible.
Jay (entering the house with his dog Stella riding a skateboard): Gloria! Gloria! Check it out! Is this the cutest thing you’ve ever seen?! She did it on her first try.
Manny: Sure rub it in, Jay! … Now she’s just showing off.

And Lily insists that she too has been forgotten by one of her dads.
Claire (to Cam): I’m so sorry it took me so long to get you these clothes. I left them in the back of my car and completely forgot about them.
Lily: Sounds familiar.
Cam (to Lily): I was in the pharmacy for three minutes. You had a cracked window and a juice box. Can we retire that story?!

Flipping the Frame: My Notes
Tonight we got a window into the importance kids place on their relationships with their fathers. While there is no single right way for fathers to be involved, the research is clear that children with involved fathers have an advantage – socially and academically – over kids with distant or no relationship with their dads. When the dad is involved, kids have higher self-esteem and are less likely to be depressed. In addition, quality father and child time means kids have fewer behavioral problems, more confidence, more social competence, and higher grades in school.

In short, fathers who are involved with their kids, have kids with fewer problems. This holds true even when the father doesn’t live in the same home as the child. And, of course, someone other than the birth father – an adoptive father, a stepdad, an uncle, grandfather, good friend, or other close acquaintance – can provide a beneficial male influence.

BottomLine
Jay (to Mitchell): If it seems sometimes I don’t notice you, it’s because [I’m] focused on [my] own stupid problems.

Some fathers seem to withdraw from their role as a father during their kids’ teen years. As Jay explained, sometimes fathers withdraw due to the stresses and busyness of their own lives. Sometimes it’s in response to a teen’s pushing away as they battle for independence. But sometimes dads are less involved because we moms have convinced our co-parent that we know best and that we’re in-charge.

Regardless of the reason, a reduction in a father’s availability and guidance during the teen years can put kids at a disadvantage.

What’s a Mom to Do?
A few years back a study in the Journal of Family Psychology described the impact moms have on a dad’s fathering. The researchers found that when mothers criticized their co-parents’ efforts, it caused them to lose confidence, become discouraged, and even withdraw from helping. But when moms encouraged and praised the fathers’ efforts, they took a more active parenting role.

Although the study looked at day-to-day care of an infant, similar dynamics play out in households with older children. Of course there are exceptions, but by and large we moms are the gatekeepers by either encouraging or curtailing how much fathers are involved in parenting. Even when dads think they should be involved, if we are highly critical of their parenting efforts, the fathers’ beliefs about the importance of his involvement don’t matter.

Kids with highly involved dads have an advantage, so we moms need to be careful about how we’re shaping the role of fathers. Below are a few tips to help us open the gate to our co-parent’s involvement in our kids’ lives:

Point out the positive results you see from their father’s efforts. For example, when he juggles his schedule to fit into the kids’ lives (even if you’re of the mind that this is just part of his job as a dad), let him know that it was appreciated. And when he’s not able to be at some event in your teen’s life but calls or texts to let your teen know he’s thinking about them, make sure he knows how much that meant to your teen.

Give him advice and hints in a non-threatening way. When differences in parenting styles come up, we moms are often viewed as the “expert.” And sometimes we send the message to dads that we want them involved but only in a specific way. Instead of responding to what you think is the “wrong way” to parent with exasperated sighs or rolling eyes, consider asking Can we talk about this? Or Would you like me to tell you what I’ve learned that seems to work in situations like this one?

Don’t disagree in front of the kids. If you disagree with a decision your children’s father makes regarding the kids or something he says to the kids, discuss it with him later in private. Unless it is something way out of line, support him in front of the kids.

Beginning when our children were newborns, we moms are likely to have done more of the explicit nurturing. Even now that our kids are teens, when something goes wrong, our first instinct is still often to sooth and comfort. A father’s first instinct is more likely to be about helping them learn a valuable lesson. So our kids will tend to gravitate to us when they are upset or ill; in the middle of the night they call our name. But they tend to listen more closely to their father’s advice.

Your Parenting Experiences
Our parenting style is often quite different than our co-parent’s style. Many times our differences complement or balance each other. So with some work, we can turn our differences into an asset. How have you worked out differences in parenting style with your co-parent?

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