Roxane Lehmann, Ph.D.

Modern Family: Season 6, Episode 16, Connection Lost

Claire Uses the Internet for Everything

The Framework
Tonight Claire is out of town on business, but thanks to the Internet she’s staying on top of things at home: She buys a last minute birthday gift for Mitch from RalphLoren.com. She helps Alex proof her college essay. And she exchanges text messages with Phil while looking at Luke’s new Mohawk on FaceTime.

But perhaps nothing reflects the “modern” in Modern Family better than the way Claire responds when Haley goes missing.
Claire (on cellphone): I can’t get in-touch with Haley. I haven’t talked to her since we got in that fight. She around?
Phil: I think she slept at a friend’s house.
Claire: What friend?
Phil: Umm … not a normal name. Starts with a vowel. Possibly foreign.
Claire: Maybe Alex knows. Is she home?
Phil: Nope. I haven’t seen her for hours.
Claire (Calling Alex on FaceTime): Hi, honey … Can you do me a favor and call your sister? If she’s screening, I’m not making the cut.
Alex: Why don’t you just snoop on her Facebook page with your fake profile?
Claire: I don’t have a fake profile.
Alex: Mom, save it. Brody Kendall just logged in.
Claire (gasping as she sees Haley’s “married” Facebook status): Oh, my God! Please tell me this is some kind of a mistake!

Later there’s this.
Claire: Do you have Haley’s iCloud password?
Alex: Yeah, she gave it to me in a little envelope with her diary key and a list of things she’s most afraid of.
Claire (sighing): Maybe we could guess it …
Phil (popping up on Claire’s screen): Claire, you accidentally hung up on me.
Claire: Yeah, well, honey, you know me and computers.
Alex: Mom is trying to guess Haley’s iCloud password, which, personally, I think is an invasion of her privacy.
Phil: Try “password.”
Claire (after typing it in): I’m kind of glad that didn’t work.
Alex: Well, I think I remember telling her to use something that people wouldn’t know about her – like her favorite literary character.
Claire: I’m in.
Alex: What?! What was it?
Claire: Snoopy.
Alex: Wow. And that could be your new nickname.
Instantly, Claire clicks “find my phone” in Haley’s account.
Claire: Oh, no! She’s in Vegas!
Phil: Are you serious?!
Claire: Hang on. I’m zooming in. Hold on. Hold on. Oh, God! Honey, she’s at a wedding chapel … Who could she be marrying?

And at the end of the episode, after Haley is located, there’s this.
Claire: So you didn’t get married.
Haley: Married? Why would I get married?
Claire: Because you changed your Facebook status to “married,” and then we tracked your cellphone to a wedding chapel in Vegas.
Haley: Wow! First of all, it’s called privacy. Google it. Second, I married a Cronut.
Claire: What?
Haley: Last week, my friend and I went to get Cronuts, and I said they were so amazing I wanted to marry one. So I posted it on Facebook as a joke. Then I accidentally left my phone in Andy’s car – which he drove to a friend’s wedding in Vegas…

Flipping the Frame: My Notes
While tonight’s episode felt a bit like an Apple infomercial starring Claire, it also reflects the way we live now: online. Like Claire, many of us are using smartphones, computers, and tablets to manage our family lives and monitor our kids.

Online safety experts advise us parents to stay on top of things. Because the online hazards are real. But as we saw with Claire tonight – even when you have all of the latest gadgets and apps at your fingertips – it’s really easy not to know what’s going on. This is especially true if you have a savvy, creative teen intent on you not finding out.

In fact, most kids can find ways to get around our investigative methods. After all, it’s easy for a teen to erase a browser history or clear certain sites they’ve been to and keep others.

Yes, there are software programs designed to help us parents keep and eye on our kids’ online activity. Some will even send an alert to us if language or photos in our teen’s networking activities suggest there might be trouble. But these can give us a false sense of security. Just Google “bypass internet filters” and you’ll see what I mean.

BottomLine
Haley: How did you get onto my Facebook page? I unfriended you.
Alex: She’s Brody Kendall.
Haley: Oh, my God! Gross! I’ve been playing Candy Crush with my mother. How did you track my phone?
Claire: I don’t think that really matters. And there’s a perfectly reasona … (pretends their connection is being lost):
Haley: Oh cut it out. I can see people walking behind you.

Trying to outsmart a teen when it comes to technology is usually futile. And surprise snooping on their phone or Facebook page like Claire did tonight doesn’t usually turn out well either. It’s a lot like looking in their book bag or searching their bedroom behind their back. You may find something critical to their safety, but this kind of snooping destroys trust. (For more on how to snoop when you feel that you must, click here.)

What’s a Mom to Do
Our best hope of protecting our teens from the online hazards we’re most concerned about are the tried and true parenting strategies we use to protect them from other hazards. The same three, simple rules (Be safe. Be respectful. Be in contact.) we use for other areas of their lives work online too. Each has a purpose that’s easy for us to explain and for our teens to understand.

– Be safe online. Most teens underestimate bad consequences online – just as they do in the real world. Be safe online is about helping our teens stay away from things on the internet that could hurt them – especially cyber-bullying, sexual predators, and pornography which are three of the biggest online safety risks to teens. (For more on helping your teen stay safe online, click here.)

– Be respectful online. Teens may be anonymous or disguised online which may make them more likely to make rude or cruel comments or to share inappropriate pictures of others. It might also lead to them sharing pictures of themselves they later regret.

Be respectful online is about helping our teens protect their online reputation.
If they wouldn’t say it, show it, or do it in person, they shouldn’t do it online.
Teens need to know there are no take-backs on the internet. Even after they delete what they say or do, it can usually be retrieved. (For more on how teens can protect their online reputation click here.)

– Be in contact about online activity. There are things in our teens’ online world they’d rather we not know about because they fear that we’ll interfere with their fun. Just like in the real world. So be in contact about online activity is about having regular conversations with our teens about where they’re going and what they’re doing online. And it’s about our teens letting us know right away if something unexpected or threatening happens so that we can help them plan how to deal with it.

Today’s technology makes information available in ways that our parents could never have imagined. But as Claire learned tonight, it doesn’t necessarily make us moms better at monitoring or managing problems. After all, without the Internet that let Claire see Haley’s Facebook status and track her phone to Vegas, she’d have probably had Phil check Haley’s room first thing – where he’d have immediately found her sound asleep.

Your Parenting Experiences
Are you friends with your teen on Facebook? Do you use a fake profile like Claire did? If you saw something that concerned you on their page, how would you address it?

Sources and Resources: “Should You Monitor Your Teen’s Online Activity” and “Four Dangers on the Internet” on WebMD; “Protecting Your Online Identity and Reputation” on KidsHealth

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Modern Family: Season 6, Episode 15, Fight or Flight

Manny Throws a Punch

The Framework
There is a lot of leaping to conclusions tonight on “Modern Family” with a flight or a fight hot on the heels of most of the leaps. For Manny, the leap was of his own making. But the fight began like this.
Manny: Mom, do I have a fever?
Gloria (kissing Manny’s forehead): Let me check.
Jay: You know we have a thermometer.
Gloria (to Jay): Why do you have to be so white all the time? … He’s pretending to be sick so he doesn’t have to go to his cooking class.
Jay: He has to go! Today is lasagna. I’ve been starving myself all day for that.
Gloria: He doesn’t want to go because there is a boy there who is picking on him.
Jay: At cooking class? You know, we’re running out of places to send him where he can be cool.
Gloria: I know … You have to teach him how to fight.
Jay: The kid is not a fighter. He gets squeamish pounding veal.
Gloria: Just do it!
Jay: Fine. But I’m only doing it for the lasagna.

True to his word (and his rumbling stomach), Jay shows Manny how to punch.
Jay: Really let one go this time. Think about how mad this guy makes you. What’s his name?
Manny: Gideon.
Jay: Oh, geez. All right, think about what he did to you.
Manny: I’d rather not talk about it … I’m done. I’m not fighting anymore. It’s not worth it.
Jay: But you’re doing so good. You just have to turn your shoulder first so you can throw your weight behind your punch … Come on kid! Show ‘em who’s boss.

Later Jay drives Manny to cooking class. And as Manny gets out of the car, there’s this.
Gideon: Hey, Delgado! Manny, I’m talking to you! (Then holding up a pie), you want a piece of this?

With that, Manny punches Gideon just as Jay taught him to do.
Gideon: Ow! What was that for?!
Manny (looking at his fist): Looks like I gave you a piece of this.
Gideon: I was just offering you some apple crumble. I felt bad about teasing you … My therapist said I was acting out because of my parents’ divorce. So I was trying to be nice.

Flipping the Frame: My Notes
Manny thought the kid in his cooking class was a bully, and his initial response was to skip class. But with some goading and coaching from Gloria and Jay, Manny switched from flight to fight mode.

Fight or flight is an instinct leftover from our cavemen ancestors. Smart cave dwellers figured out that when a big, hungry beast approached, they needed to react right away – by either overwhelming the beast or running for safety. Over millions of years, those with the best fight-or-flight skills survived.

Thanks to the process of natural selection, we’ve all inherited an incredible nervous system that automatically gets our bodies ready to battle or run whenever we feel threatened. In contrast, caring and compassion are learned behaviors. Although research in human development shows that the capacity for kindness is present early in life, kids need help throughout their growing-up years to nurture caring behaviors into full development. And a new study indicates that parents need to do more.

Harvard researchers recently surveyed 10,000 middle and high school students around the country about which of three things they thought their parents cared about most: 1) that they achieve at a high level, 2) that they feel happy most of the time, or 3) that they care for others. Almost 80% of the teens surveyed picked high achievement or happiness as the thing their parents cared about most, while roughly 20% ranked caring for others first.

Teens’ own responses about what matters most were virtually the same as what they believed their parents valued most. The researchers summed things up this way: “Some kids made it quite clear that their self-interest is most important: If you are not happy, life is nothing. After that, you want to do well. And after that expend any excess energy on others.”

At first glance, it doesn’t seem that putting personal happiness and success before caring for others is such a big deal. But there is a downside to it. Teens who are mostly looking out only for themselves – and who view their peers as doing likewise – are at greater risk of harmful behavior, including being cruel and disrespectful.

BottomLine
Jay (as he drops Manny off at cooking class): Now remember, what did I teach you?
Manny: Violence solves everything, and don’t wind my fist up like Popeye.
Jay: It’s not violence. It’s self-defense. Now you walk in there like a bad-ass, and you make the best damn lasagna anybody’s ever seen.

Most parents say that raising children who care about others is a top priority. Moreover, when surveyed, parents rank caring for others as more important than their children’s achievement. But our kids aren’t getting the message. In fact, in the Harvard survey, teens were three times more likely to agree than disagree with this statement: “My parents are prouder if I get good grades in my classes than if I’m a caring community member in class and school.”

Most of us aren’t as literal as Gloria and Jay about encouraging our kids to fight for their own self-interest. Still it seems that our focus on our kids’ happiness and our daily messaging to them about achievement are drowning out our messages about being concerned about others and caring for them.

And here’s the ironic thing: Recent research indicates that parents’ focus on happiness and their intense pressure for high achievement doesn’t appear to increase their kids’ happiness or their achievement. At least not in affluent communities. Plus parents who try to ensure their kids’ immediate happiness by constantly protecting them from any kind of struggle can prevent them from developing coping skills that are crucial for long-term happiness.

What’s a Mom to Do
Below are some guidelines and tips for raising caring, respectful kids from Harvard’s “Making Caring Common Project.”

Work to develop caring relationships with your kids. Our kids learn to be kind when they are treated that way. When they feel loved, they become connected to us and that connection makes them more receptive to our values.
– Spend regular time together. Consider building one-on-one time with each of your kids into your monthly schedule rather than leaving it to chance.

– Make your conversations meaningful. Take advantage of the time you have with your kids to talk about things that bring out thoughts and feelings. Try asking (and sharing your answers) to questions such as, “What was something you learned today – in school or out – that surprised you?” or “What’s something nice someone did for you today?” or “What’s something nice you did?”

Make caring for others a priority. A big part of this is holding high expectations for our kids when it comes to honoring their commitments, doing the right thing (even when it’s hard), and insisting that they are respectful (even when other kids aren’t acting that way).
– Send a clear message. Consider your daily messaging to your kids about the importance of caring. Instead of saying, “The most important thing is that you’re happy,” or “The most important thing is that you work hard,” you might add caring about others to the front of your message saying, “The most important thing is that you’re kind and …

– Prioritize caring when you talk with your kids’ teachers and coaches. When you ask about your kid’s skills, grades, or performance, also ask about whether they are a good class member or team player.

– Encourage your kids to “work it out.” If your child wants to quit a team or other group activity, encourage them to consider their obligation to the group and to try to work out problems before throwing in the towel.

Give your kids opportunities to practice being caring and grateful. Developing these traits is a lot like learning to play a sport or an instrument. Daily repetition – whether it’s being nice to a new student in their class or helping their friend with homework or regularly reflecting on what they appreciate – will help build our kids’ capacity to be caring and grateful and make these attributes second nature.
– Praise uncommon acts of kindness. Expect your kids to routinely help with home chores, and save your praise for uncommon acts of kindness. When routine responsibilities are simply expected and not spotlighted or rewarded, they are more likely to become ingrained.

– Express thanks. Encourage your kids to express gratitude to family members, teachers, coaches and others who contribute to their lives. Consider making expressing gratitude a daily ritual – perhaps at the dinner table or at bedtime.

At the end of tonight’s episode there’s this as Jay and Manny return home.
Gloria: Manny, why are you home so early? (Then turning to Jay), did you let him skip school?
Manny: No, Mom. I was kicked out for punching a really misunderstood kid – thanks to you …

I wonder if Gloria would have handled things differently tonight if she knew that being more mindful of others could actually make Manny happier and more successful.

Many of us tend to think that being caring, happy, and a high achiever are at odds with each other. But that is not necessarily so. In fact, research in positive psychology emphasizes that authentic happiness comes from connections with others – not just pursuing self-interest. What’s more, empathy has been shown to improve collaboration skills – which are on the shortlist of “21st century literacies,” suggesting that being able to get along with others is necessary for achievement in today’s world.

Your Parenting Experiences
What do you think your kids would say you care about most:
– That they achieve at a high level
– That they feel happy most of the time, or
– That they care for others?

Sources and Resources: Making Caring Common Project. (To read the full report, click here.)

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