Roxane Lehmann, Ph.D.

The last post relayed the staggering facts about the dangers of texting while driving. Among the facts was this one: Every day, texting while driving causes 11 teen deaths. That’s eleven families, schools, and neighborhoods grieving the forever loss of children, siblings, friends, and teammates.

Texting is, in reality, an ingrained habit for a lot of teens. Studies show that the typical teen sends about 100 texts a day and that 1 in 3 teens admits to sending and receiving messages while driving.

Although authorities are increasingly cracking down on texting while driving, many teens remain unconvinced. Recent focus groups done by researchers at the Pew Research Center revealed that lots of teens think that it’s okay to text if they’re at a stoplight or stuck in traffic. Others acknowledge that it’s not really safe to text and drive but insist that it’s safer to hold the phone up so they can see the road and the text as the same time.

The bottom line is that we parents cannot count on laws to keep our teens safe behind the wheel. Parental involvement is crucial. In fact, recent teen surveys show that teens who refrain from texting while driving are much more likely to report having frequent interactions with their parents about safe driving.

Below are some suggestions for getting your teen’s attention:

Debunk the myth about multitasking. Share the facts about the dangers of texting while driving and the truth about multitasking (found here).

Tell your teen why you’re worried. Discuss the possible irreversible outcomes that you fear most. Watch the video about Alex Brown with them (found here). And then together watch the video about Aaron Deveau, the Massachusetts teen who was convicted of homicide this summer and is now serving a year in prison as a result of texting while driving (found here).

Develop rules for the road. Remember, the more vague your messages are, the easier they are to ignore. So explicitly tell your teen that they are not to text and drive. Make sure they know that the restriction applies even when they’re at a stop light and that it includes reading texts too. Consider requiring that their phone be turned-off and put in the trunk or the back seat so that it’s unreachable.

Enforce the agreed upon rules. Remind your teen that driving is a privilege that they have to earn and work to keep. Tell them you’ll take the privilege away if they don’t follow the agreed upon rules. Then monitor your teen’s behavior. Regularly look at the log of their phone activity. Make a point of riding along with them occasionally so that you can watch their habits. Consider looking into the new apps designed to shutdown the keyboard when the GPS indicates the phone is moving over a preset speed. And take the keys if you find out that they’ve been texting while driving.

Be a good role model. According to a recent report, 47% of adults admit to texting while driving. Your example is the most powerful influence in your teen’s life, so don’t be one of those adults. If you’re driving with others and need to send or get a text, model the copilot system by letting a passenger do it for you.

The good news is that teens can break bad habits and learn new ones, leading to wiser and safer decisions. But they need our help to make it happen. Our teens need us parents to draw clear lines between what is safe and what is not so that they know where the boundaries are. They need to hear us say with our words and our actions that their safety is more important to us than anything else.

Our teens are counting on us!

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The parents I work with (as well as those who’ve completed research surveys for nearly two decades) rank “honesty” as the trait they most want to see in their children. For parents, no other trait even comes close.

For the average teen, however, truth (or lack of it) is often simply a way to get to do what they want to do. In fact, according to researcher Nancy Darling, teens are much more likely to lie than to protest a rule.

So once our kids become teens, the dialogues around their requests – regardless of the closeness of our relationships with them – get a whole lot more complicated. And they use a variety of strategies to make the conversations complicated. For example …

Them: Ben is having some kids over Saturday night. Can I go?

Us: You know the rules. Will his parents be home during the party?

Them (evading the question): I’m sure he wouldn’t be allowed to have kids over if his parents weren’t going to be home.

Or

Them: For sure. Both his mom and dad will be there (omitting the fact that they’ll be there for only part of the evening).

Or

Them (distorting the facts): Who said it’s a party? He’s just having a few kids over to hang out.

Or

Them (totally fabricating the facts): Yes! Of course, his parents will be there the whole time.

Most teens – in the spirit of growing up and making their own decisions as well as to protect us from what they feel is needless worry – feel compelled to withhold information and put certain things in the “none of your business” category.

Some parents respond by laying down the law with lots of lectures and warnings and way too many rules to adequately enforce. Other parents envision a tradeoff between strictness and staying informed. They think that the best way to encourage their kids to keep them in the loop (so they can help if needed) is to not set rules.

In reality, the parents who are most in the loop have strategies in place that teach their teens about the worth of honesty. These parents:

– Are clear about their values and have a few, unambiguous rules that are based on their values

– Are consistent about explaining, monitoring, and enforcing these rules

– Give their teens quite a bit of freedom to make their own decisions in other areas and gradually let their teens earn more freedom by being responsible and trustworthy.

This kind of parenting takes a lot of work. But the extra effort pays off. After all, the cornerstone of our relationship with our teens is trust. Trust is what keeps us from becoming nervous wrecks when they’re out of our sight. And when teens feel our trust, they are much less likely to do anything to jeopardize it.

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