Roxane Lehmann, Ph.D.

Modern Family: Season 5, Episode 24, The Wedding, Part II

Partners for Life

The Framework
After many, many false starts, Mitch and Cam finally get married tonight. The grooms don’t have the most captivating storyline in their own wedding episode though. Competing with the couple’s story is Jay’s heartwarming reconciliation with Mitch and Haley’s “I like him; I like him not” relationship with Andy. But it was the interactions between the siblings that captured my attention tonight.

There’s the sibling teasing as Luke squabbles with Manny like a stereotypical “married couple.” Alex captures it all on film, exclaiming: I can’t get enough of this!

There’s the sibling snubbing as Haley ignores Alex in favor of Andy.
Alex: Okay, this is weird. I think this is the same seat I use to nervously scratch on – on my way to school.
Haley (looking at her phone): Ahhh. Poor thing.
Alex: Yeah. Even though I felt such pressure to be …
Haley (still looking at phone): Andy’s flight is delayed again!
Alex to Haley: Okay, that was close. We almost connected on a human level.

But it’s Claire’s closing voiceover that best encompasses what it means to be a sibling. As Mitch walks down the aisle on Jay’s arm, Claire reflects: I remember like it was yesterday – the day that Mitchell came home from the hospital in a very unfashionable white diaper with three strands of scraggly Raggedy Andy hair … We were inseparable. I was his big sister. His big brother. His nemesis. His protector. His best friend … I was his first partner …

Flipping the Frame: My Notes
For years researchers have tried to figure out what shapes kids’ personalities the most. First they thought it was parents – especially moms. Next they thought it was genes. Then it was their friends. Now more and more evidence suggests that of all the factors that shape personality, siblings are at the top.

This makes sense from just the sheer amount of time kids spend with their siblings. Even during the teen years when pushing away from family is the norm, kids still spend at least ten hours a week with their sibs. All this together time gives brothers and sisters lots of opportunity to learn from each other – with learning going both up and down the age scale.

The sibling fights that drive us crazy give sibs training on how to resolve conflict – and how not to do it. This can give them a big advantage down the line in marriage and in the workplace.

Sibling rivalry can push kids to learn skills and build strengths. Sometimes younger kids mimic their older sibs while older sibs push themselves to do things so as not to be out-shone by a younger sib who has already done it. At other times, to minimize the rivalry, siblings strive to carve out their own identity by being different: She’s the pretty one; I’ll be the smart one or He’s the athlete; I’ll be the musician.

And for learning about the world of the opposite sex, there’s nothing better than having an older sibling who’s a member living in the same house. Compared with their peers, girls with older brothers and boys with older sisters tend to converse more easily and be better liked by members of the opposite sex.

BottomLine
Phil (wrapping up his duty as wedding officiant): By the powers vested in me by the state of California, I am privileged to pronounce you spouses for life.

The thing is, even if Cam stays with Mitch for the rest of his life, he wasn’t there from the beginning like Claire. Our spouses arrive relatively late in life, and our parents will eventually be gone. So it’s siblings who may be the only ones who truly qualify as partners for life. And given the powerful force of sibling relationships, we moms have a stake in building healthy relationships between our kids.

What’s a Mom to Do?
Below are some tips to help you help your kids get along.

Don’t compare their achievements. If you do, you’ll only make your kids’ natural rivalry worse. Instead, look for areas in which each child is doing well and praise them without measuring them against their sibs or anyone else. Use words like “quick” and “strong” rather than comparison words like “quickest” or “strongest.” Viewing themselves as the quickest or the strongest causes kids to crave the exhilarating feeling of being the best. And as they get older and the comparison pool gets bigger, there will almost always be someone who is quicker or stronger.

Avoid pigeonholing them. Adolescence is a time when kids are finding out who they are and figuring out what they want to do with their lives. Labeling them tells them who they are before they’ve even had a chance to figure things out for themselves. Narrow reputations (the creative one, the smart one, the athletic one, the spoiled one, the problem child), even when they’re stated in positive terms, can be bad for our kids. They can feel pressure to live up to positive labels and to think of their negative reputations as unlikely to change regardless of their efforts to improve.

Promote both shared activities and alone time. Siblings benefit from time together to learn social skills – like how to compromise, take turns, and make amends. But everybody needs some time alone. And sibs tend to get along better if some times are designated as time away from each other – especially during vacation times when there’s no school to break up the kids’ time together.

Don’t play favorites. Favoritism is the one thing that can make or break our kids’ relationships with one another. For kids the real issue is fairness. But if we try to be fair by treating all our kids the same, we’re in for trouble. Because we’re bound to treat our kids of different ages, abilities, and needs differently. Plus even if we could treat each of our children in exactly the same way, chances are they’d respond to us in different ways and their experiences would not be the same. So rather than suggesting to your children that you’ll try to treat them equally, it’s wiser to assure them that you’ll strive to be fair by taking their individuality into account and giving each what they need.

Kids spend more time with their siblings than they do with anybody else – more than they spend with their friends, with their teachers, with us, or even by themselves. And kids are stuck with their siblings for life. So it’s well worth the time and energy it takes to help our kids get along.

Your Parenting Experiences
From the time they are born siblings begin shaping each other. They serve as sparring partners, measuring sticks, protectors, competitors, co-conspirators, collaborators, models, and cautionary tales. Which of these roles best describe the relationships you and your sibs shared as kids? What do you think your kids would say about their relationships with each other?

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Modern Family: Season 5, Episode 20, Australia

An Upside Down Family Trip

The Framework
In tonight’s opening scene Luke is upside down in a handstand, exclaiming: We’re in Australia. It’s on the bottom of the globe. So everybody but me is upside down.

His parents fill in the details.
Phil: I came from the Land Down Under. I was conceived on my parents’ honeymoon. It was on a blanket in the park. And I still have that blanket.
Claire: Phil’s mom left us money for a trip there. When the rest of the family found out, they just jumped onboard.

But once they reach Sydney, the family quickly splits into factions.

Claire and Jay come up with one excuse after another to sneak-away to work on winning a bid for a big job. Claire is especially intent on winning. As Jay puts it: Claire has an incredible work ethic. She’s like a Young Me … Young Me was an accountant from Korea. Died at her desk.

Mitch and Cam also keep contriving reasons to ditch the family. It seems that back in the day they knew this guy who now lives in Sydney. He was kind of annoying then, but now he’s a big-time talk show host here. Needless to say, the perks that come with his celebrity status are a magnet for Mitch and Cam who quickly become hangers-on.

Meanwhile Phil is on a spiritual journey to embrace his native land – with a reckless abandon that leaves him with swollen lips, a body mutilated by jellyfish stings, and a hard punch in the face from a kangaroo. As Gloria, the adult accompanying him, laments: I don’t know how I’m going to keep Phil safe anymore. I think he’s going to die here.

With the adults acting like children, the kids are pretty much left on their own. Luke and Manny takeoff for a topless beach and on the way back join a random group of men who invite them to go on a walkabout. Alex fixates on finding the words to turn the trip into a worldly experience worthy of a college essay. And Haley keeps an eye on Lily all the while having her sights set on finding a hottie worth keeping. As Haley explains: This country’s number one export is hot surfers. I’m not going to buy the first one I see. I’m still browsing.

Flipping the Frame: My Notes
Although we didn’t see evidence of this tonight until the very end of the episode, family trips to new places can strengthen our connection to our teens.

This happens in part because exploring a place we’ve never been puts our teens and us on a more level playing field. This doesn’t mean we get to abandon our roles as the adults did tonight. We’ve still got to be the parents, but we may find ourselves dependent on our teens for a change. A kid with a good sense of direction may be the first to figure out the subway system. Or an outgoing kid may be the one who asks a stranger for directions.

BottomLine
Phil: This place was really special to my mom. She actually left me a list of things she thought we should do: visit the Great Barrier Reef, see the bush, and climb the Sydney Harbor Bridge. You guys are with me – right?
The others: No… Not doing that… You know how I feel about heights…

Tonight on Modern Family’s upside down trip the foot dragging came mostly from the adults. But in real life it’s typically the teens who drag their feet when it comes to family trips. They worry about leaving their friends and what they’ll miss out on. And, to be honest, they probably have their doubts about what it’ll be like to spend days on end with just their family.

What’s a Mom to Do?
Don’t take your teen’s foot dragging personally. Chalk it up to the worries and doubts that are a part of doing almost anything new. And then before they really dig in their heels, put some plans in place that will help get things off on the right foot.

Here are some tips to help get everyone onboard for your next family trip.

Give everybody a say. Don’t dictate the agenda. As Phil learned tonight, it’s hard to get everybody onboard that way. And forget trying to negotiate to build consensus. Instead let everybody be in-charge of choosing one family activity. Only three rules apply here:
– It has to be an activity that everybody can do safely.
– It can’t be a budget buster.
– And everybody has to enthusiastically participate.

Give them some space. Don’t get quarters so tight that there’s no room for privacy or pack the schedule so full that there’s no free time. This is especially important if you’re traveling with a kid like Alex.

Build in a way to say “yes.” Things like parasailing, zip lining, and jet skiing are teen magnets. But they can blow the budget big time. Instead of nixing everything on their “I want to…” list, build in a way to let them decide: Give your teen a set amount to spend on the trip, and let them keep any money leftover.

Set a no-texting time zone. If you try to ban texting for the entire trip (what you’d really like to do), your teen is likely to rebel. But if you compromise by setting times when they can and when they can’t text, chances are they’ll go along with the plan. Initially, they may still complain. But eventually they may get so involved in the fun, that they’ll forget they’re disconnected.

Bend the regular rules. Your teen will still need some guidelines and some watching. (For proof look no further than Manny and Luke’s decisions tonight.) But take a break from the normal routine: Like letting them have dessert first or order a dessert that’s bigger than dinner. Allowing them to stay up late sometimes and sleep in the following mornings. Closing the door on their unmade beds.

Let them bring a friend. Not on every trip you take as a family. And maybe not for the whole time. But every now and then letting your teen invite a friend can mean more fun for them and a little more relaxation for you.

Your Parenting Experiences
Traveling as a family takes us out of the normal routine, letting us see qualities in our kids that the normal routine keeps us from seeing. What have you discovered about your kids while on a family trip?

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