Roxane Lehmann, Ph.D.

Modern Family: Season 7, Episode 3, The Closet Case

Plotline: Dylan Moves Into the Basement with Haley

Here’s how it happened.
Haley (to Phil): umm, we have a favor to ask you. You know how Dylan has his own t-shirt business?
Phil: Oh, I should’ve seen this coming. Yes, I will model for you, but I’m gonna need to own the negatives.
Haley: Okay, great. Also, we were kind of hoping that Dylan could stay in the basement with me for a little while.
Phil: Oh.
Haley: He’s trying to save up to build inventory, and rent is killing him.
Dylan: It feels like they’re asking for money, like, every six weeks.
Phil: I don’t know, guys. Moving in together, that’s a big step.
Haley: It’s just for a little while. Please?
Phil (chuckling): I guess if your mom’s okay with it, I’m okay with it.
Haley: Oh, and could you ask her for us?
Phil: I’ll give it a shot, but it’ll be the second thing I’ve talked her into this morning, and it’ll be a lot trickier now that she’s fully awake.

Later there’s this exchange between the down-with-everything dad and Claire.
Phil: Listen, I was talking to Haley and Dylan.
Claire: Ugh.
Phil: They want to know if he can stay in the basement for a few weeks.
Claire: Oh, Phil, I think that’s a bad idea.
Phil: They’re adults, and Dylan really has been getting his act together.
Claire: This doesn’t bother you?
Phil: They’re doing what they’re doing. I say we be evolved about it.
Claire: Fine. If you’re really okay with our precious daughter shacking up with her ne’er-do-well boyfriend, so be it.
Phil: I just don’t want them sneaking around like we had to. The scariest moment of my life was that pants-less conversation I had with your dad through the Dutch door.

And still later there’s this when Phil – while looking for his missing phone charger – inadvertently walks in on Haley and Dylan.
Phil: Oh, you’re both in the bed together.
Haley: Dad, it’s fine.
Phil: Uh, anyway, just, uh, looking for my charger.
Haley: Oh. Sorry, Dad, it’s not here.
Phil: Guess I’ll just get used to not having any power.

Guidelines
First, let’s be clear about one thing: Phil does have power over what happens in his home. In fact, what takes place under our roof is one of the few areas we parents still have control over – even when our children are no longer little kids.

But should Phil and Claire allow Haley to sleep with Dylan in their home? Would you allow it if this were your kid? What if that kid was still a teen?

Take a look at the research on US teens’ sexual activity, and you’ll see that adolescence is a time of rapid change. Fewer than 2% of twelve-year-olds have had sex and only 16% have had sex by the time they reach 15. But by the time they reach their 17th birthday, nearly half have had sex and nearly 71% will have had sex by the time they’re 19.

So most of our kids (daughters and sons alike) will be sexually active by the time they are Haley’s age. Many will have been at it for quite a while. Still, being aware that your child is sexually active is very different than feeling comfortable knowing that at this very moment your child is having sex in the next room.

Truth be told, many parents would prefer that their kids (of any age) wait until they are in a deeply committed, adult relationship to have going-all-the-way kind of sex. And most parents feel that teen sex is something to be discouraged – if not forbidden. Many would never even consider letting their teen’s boyfriend or girlfriend sleepover. They reason that if they make it easy for their teen to have sex in the family home, they’re sending a message that they condone it – that they think it’s a good choice and a choice that the teen is ready to make. They believe that their “not-under-my roof” stance is the best way to make sure their teen adopts their values.

Other parents take a “don’t ask, don’t tell approach.” They aren’t comfortable being the hotelier to their children’s sex lives but, for various reasons, they allow their kids to bend the rules. These parents’ messages (usually sent indirectly) often sound a lot like the message Phil explicitly spells out by the end of tonight’s episode.
Phil: Haley, Dylan, this little living arrangement of yours, it’s not working out and it’s about to change.
Haley: Dad, why are you freaking out?
Phil: Because I’m your father and I can’t have the two of you sleeping together in the same room like it’s no big deal. So, from now on, you’re gonna show me the respect I deserve and sneak around behind my back.
Dylan: Do what, now? I don’t understand.
Phil: Starting tonight, you’re sleeping in Alex’s room, and if there’s any monkey business, it better happen after I’m asleep

Still other parents take a much more accepting attitude about sex and what’s allowed under the family roof. Some make this decision after thinking long and hard about questions like: What kind of message are we sending our kids if we know (or strongly suspect) they’re having sex but don’t want it to happen in our house? Are we telling them that sex is okay as long as they sneak around and lie about it? How is this different than knowing they’re having sex but not making sure they have the means for protection against STDs and unwanted pregnancy? Realizing that saying “no” is no guarantee that it won’t happen, these parents decide that a more accepting approach opens the way for more parental guidance.

Whatever your decision about sleepovers or who sleeps where when your teen or young adult brings a boyfriend or girlfriend home for the night, you’ll want to be clear about why you made the decision and be genuinely comfortable with it. To get there it might help to consider these criteria:
– Is my decision consistent with my values and priorities?
– Is it appropriate for my child’s age and maturity? (For example, your rules for your high school teen might be very different than those for your college-age kid coming home for a weekend with their steady boyfriend or girlfriend.)
– Is it based on sufficient discussion with my child? (While you and your parenting partner will make the final decision, considering your teen or young adult’s input will show respect for their ideas and help get their buy-in.)

Connecting Lines:
Tape Modern Family and use it to connect with your kids – whether they’re teens or young adults. You might be surprised how much you’ll laugh together while watching and learn from each other in the conversations that follow – particularly if you keep your sense of humor as you talk.

Below are a few conversation starters to use with your teen for this episode:
– If you had to describe Haley and Dylan’s relationship in 5 words, what would you say? (You might follow-up with: Do you think their relationship is meaningful? Caring? Freely chosen? Responsible?)
– Do you think Haley and Dylan are ready to sleep together? How would Haley know if she is ready? Are there different considerations for girls and guys?
– Do you think that Haley might have been hoping her parents would say “no” when she asked if Dylan could move in? Do you think that kids might sometimes feel pressure from friends (or a boyfriend or girlfriend) to do something and look to their parents to be the ones who say “no”?

Sources and Resources: Not Under My Roof by Amy Shalet, PhD; Sex and Sensibility: The Thinking Parent’s Guide to Talking Sense About Sex by Deborah Roffman

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Modern Family: Season 5, Episode 22, Message Received

Message Received – But Was It What They Really Wanted to Convey?

The Framework
In tonight’s episode the characters confront things outside their comfort zones, reminding just how uncomfortable that can be – for adults and kids alike.

Mitch and Cam confront the fact that the budget for their upcoming wedding has ballooned out of control, causing Cam to venture: Maybe we can send un-invitations … is that a thing? But the conversations that held my attention tonight happen in the other two households.

Over at the Dunphys, the kids find Phil’s old answering machine from his college days. To their delight, they find a message from their mom mixed in with the other recordings. But as they and Claire listen to her message, the mood in the room shifts from happy to horrified.
Claire (recorded): Phil, hey. It’s Claire. Umm… I need to tell you something, and I don’t want it to be on your machine. It’s really important – you know like life and death important … Not death. Just life. I mean it’s … Oh hell. I’m pregnant. Don’t worry; you don’t have to marry me or anything. Let’s talk as soon as you can. Why weren’t we more careful?! Stupid Duran Duran concert.

Meanwhile at the Pritchett household, family members press each other to face something they fear: the unpleasantness of eating a pickle, rubbing the dog’s belly, a bite of blood sausage. But Mitch presses Jay to confront a much bigger fear – his discomfort with the upcoming wedding.
Jay: Can I ask you a question? Why are you having such a big thing anyway?
Mitch: Well, because we’re only getting married once.
Jay: I’m just saying, why do you need to make it into a spectacle?
Mitch: Ssspectacle?!!
Jay: I don’t think I’m out of line suggesting my friends don’t want to see a father-son dance at a big gay wedding. I’m just saying I don’t how this stuff plays out with my guys from the club.
Mitch: This isn’t about them. This is about you.

Flipping the Frame: My Notes
Tonight we saw the Dunphy kids’ horror at the images they conjured up as they listened to Claire’s message recorded years ago and then again as they stood outside their parents’ bedroom and heard the door being locked.
Kids (in unison): Door lock! Run!! Ugh! Ugh! Run!!

Tonight we also saw Jay struggle to come to terms with his gay son’s sexuality. It seems that Jay has accepted the fact that Mitch is gay on a conceptual level, but now the upcoming wedding is forcing him to confront what that means on a practical level.

Most teens are like the Dunphy kids – they don’t want to think about their parents having sex. And to be honest, many of us parents are a bit like Jay: It makes many of us uncomfortable to imagine our kids as sexual – even if what we’re imagining is a heterosexual relationship.

BottomLine
Jay: Fine. I admit it; this whole wedding thing is weird to me … I didn’t choose to be uncomfortable. I was born this way.
Mitch: You know, Dad, if it really makes you that uncomfortable, then don’t come to the wedding.

Later as Jay holds his cell phone waiting for Mitch to call, I’m rooting for Jay to initiate the call. As tough as it might be for Jay, it’s his job as a parent to get his thoughts and feelings under control and begin the conversation that will let him reconnect with Mitch.

And as tough as it might be for us to talk with our kids about sex as well other things that make us uncomfortable to think about our kids engaging in – like bullying, drinking and drugs, it’s our job to do it. Because when we hold these conversations, we’re sending our kids three powerful messages. First we’re telling them that we recognize that they’re growing up and beginning to make more decisions for themselves. Second we’re showing them that our commitment to them and our concern for their wellbeing gives us the courage to initiate these uncomfortable conversations. And third we’re letting them know that that we’re always open to talking about these tough topics and that we’ll continue to bring up the subject in the future in case they have questions but are unable to ask.

What’s a Mom to Do?
Don’t wait for your teen to come to you with questions. Tough topics are too scary for most teens to bring up with their parents.

Here are some tips to help you hold tough conversations in a way that will leave you more connected with your teen than you were before you talked.

Come up with a list. Begin by making a list of all the things you’d really like to know. Here are some questions to get your thinking started: Are you getting pressure from your girlfriend/boyfriend to have sex? If you’re having sex, are you using protection? Are you part of the bullying that has been going on at school? Are you drinking when you’re hanging out with your friends? Are you and your friends getting high after school?

Then use everyday situations to spark your conversations. To help you initiate good conversations on these topics keep an eye out for news stories, young adult books, or movies and TV shows that bring up sensitive topics. Share them with your teen, and then ask what they know about the topic and whether they have any opinions or questions on the subject before sharing your own.

Begin in way that is comfortable for both of you. Talk when the two of you are alone. Riding in the car, hiking, playing one-on-one basketball, or doing a household chore together are all particularly good places to begin because they don’t require your teen to make eye contact. And if you’re more comfortable putting your ideas in writing first, start that way.

Try to put yourself in their shoes. When your teen talks, really listen to understand rather than to make a judgment call. Even when you disagree, give more positive nonverbal cues than negative ones – nod to show you’re interested, lean towards them, and smile when it’s appropriate. And don’t be afraid to touch your teen. Although some teens may prefer to be asked first, our touch conveys our unconditional love for our teens.

Be approachable. Make sure your teen knows that they can ask you anything. And when they do ask about a specific topic, find out what they already know about the subject. And then clarify what they are really asking so that you can answer their questions in a way that is detailed enough to make them feel comfortable asking additional questions but doesn’t overwhelming them.

Think carefully about what you disclose. Many parents struggle with whether or not to share their adolescent exploits with their teens. Some believe that their kids will be more likely to heed their advice if it’s based on real-life experience. On the other hand, kids can become confused when we parents present them with information and a model that contradicts what we expect of them. Plus times have changed. What may have been only somewhat risky when we were their age, may now be far more dangerous. You can be honest about sharing personal things without going into details that wouldn’t be appropriate. Remember, once you share something you can’t take it back.

Let your teen set the pace. Most kids do better with shorter bursts. So instead of thinking about it as “having the talk” and getting it done in one fell swoop, think of it as an ongoing conversation. As you talk, watch for signs that tell you your teen has had enough for now. When they signal they’re shutting down or pushing you away, it’s best to change the subject and come back to the topic another time.

We can’t assume our teens understand our family values just because they live under the same roof. We have to communicate the things we believe are important and why we have these values. As uncomfortable as holding these conversations with our kids can be, if we don’t continue to bring them up, they may never happen – or at least not in the way we want them to take place.

Your Parenting Experiences
Some of my readers have told me that they’re watching Modern Family with their teens and letting the show be the spark for conversations. How do you bring up sensitive topics with your teen?

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