Roxane Lehmann, Ph.D.

Modern Family: Season 6, Episode 13, Rash Decisions

Luke Pushes Away – On His Terms

The Framework
Everybody longs to feel connected to others. That was the thread that holds the various subplots on “Modern Family” together tonight.

Claire wants to be liked by the people she has to manage at Pritchett’s Closets.
Claire: I’ve had to learn how to balance being a friend and a manager. You could call it being a franager. … Here comes Lucy. She’s new and Dad wants me to talk to her about the way she dresses. He says it’s distracting. Watch and learn. Lucy is about to get franaged.
Mitch: Oh, good. It’s a verb too.

Jay competes for the attention of his French bulldog Stella when he has to give her to Cam (due to baby Joe’s reaction – the “rash” in the episode’s title).
Jay (to Gloria): You don’t know what I’m competing with over there. Cameron is wooing her with belly rubs, jewelry, kisses on the mouth … I just want her to remember who loves her the most.

Alex takes on Haley’s partying persona to impress a Princeton interviewer when she sees that nothing on her college resume sets her apart from the other applicants.
Alex (sighing): I’m so sorry for wasting your time. This was a big mistake. I’m probably not Princeton material anyway. I spent most of last night in the back of a squad car…

But it was Luke’s “let-me-go and hold me close” messaging to Phil that holds my attention tonight. It begins like this.
Phil (to Andy): Congratulations, assistant! I’m moving you up to the next level.
Phil (to Luke as he enters the kitchen): Hey, buddy, I gotta hit the mall a little later. You wanna go grab a couple chair massages ‘til they kick us out?
Luke (picking up apple from the counter and biting into it before walking off): Neah. I’m going to go hangout with some of my friends.
Andy: Teenagers. Huh?
Phil: Yeah. It’s been happening more and more. But it’s natural. Kids that age want distance. One day they’re holding your hand so tight it hurts. The next day, they’re eating the apple you kinda wanted.

And later there’s this.
Luke: Unbelievable! Good ol’ Andy.
Phil: Is something up, buddy?
Luke: I said “no” one time, and suddenly it’s all “Andy this and Andy that.”
Phil: Well, I didn’t mean anything by it. It just seemed like you needed some space, so I gave it to you. And I get it; you’re at the age when you want to separate.

Flipping the Frame: My Notes
Developing their own identity is a teen’s priority. And in order to do this, our teens need to separate themselves from us. Along with that comes their push for independence. This typically begins in the tween years when our kids walk several yards ahead of us in public and race to their bedroom and shut the door as soon as they get home.

As our teens push for independence, it’s normal for them to show less interest in doing things with us and more need for privacy. Few teens manage this gracefully. And parents, especially us moms, often windup feeling hurt. Plus the widening distance between them and us, just when they need our input more than ever, can be downright unnerving.

Given a choice, most of us would choose to maintain the close relationships we had with our kids during the first twelve years of their lives. Phil put it this way when talking to Luke: If it were up to me, we’d do everything together…. I’d go to college with you. We’d be roommates. We’d try to join a frat. None of them would take us. We’d start our own. Oh, my God! That sounds amazing.

Most of us can relate (at least to some degree) with Phil’s sentiment. But our teens, in the spirit of developing their own identity and growing up, can’t let our old relationships continue.

BottomLine
Luke: I separate from you – not the other way around. Maybe I don’t want to do dumb stuff with you all the time. But that doesn’t mean that you get to replace me.

If you reach out and get rejected, try not to take it personally. Their rejection is not about you. This is a natural part of your teen’s development. And as Luke reminds us tonight, their push to extend away from us does not mean that they want to completely break the connection with us.

It’s our teen’s job to extend away from us. And it’s our job to stay connected no matter how hard they try to push us away. Because there’s a huge difference between teens who separate from their parents as part of the normal growing up process and teens who become totally disconnected from their parents.

Staying connected allows us to provide the structure and guidance that our teens can’t yet provide for themselves. The challenge is to find new ways of connecting with them.

What’s a Mom to Do
Any successful relationship has a balance between positive and negative feelings and actions. Research on relationships indicates that the magic ratio is five to one. This means for every one negative interaction with your teen, you should add five positive interactions to your goodwill account – an account you’ll need to draw on when you have to deal with problems or disagreements.

Below are some things you can do to add to the positive balance in your parent-teen goodwill account.

Make sure your criticism is helpful. Our teens count on our feedback for guidance. But as Claire discovered when she tries to “franage” tonight, it’s not easy to stay connected to those you must criticize from time to time. So it’s important that we make our feedback helpful. This begins with making sure that the purpose is not just about our anger or our need to set our teen straight.

Make sure the purpose of your criticism is truly about helping your teen. Teens will be most open to the information if you describe your feelings, your concerns, and your perceptions of what’s happening rather than accusing or judging them.

Accept your teen unconditionally. In order to build their own identity, our teens need to differentiate from us in looks, thoughts, and behavior. This means we need to accept that our teens’ preferences may be different than ours.

You don’t need to agree with your teen’s ideas or see their perceptions as correct, but, regardless of the issue, you do need to listen to your teen’s views. And when you disagree with your teen, you have to let them know you heard them and give them the right to disagree. Until you do that, your teen will almost certainly shut out any of your ideas. And with that goes any chance you have of influencing them.

Give your teen some privacy. Invading your teen’s privacy jeopardizes the mutual trust and respect that staying connected is all about. Giving your teen some privacy adds to your goodwill account big time. And your invasion takes a huge toll on the account. I’m not saying that you should never snoop, but if you decide you need to snoop, make sure the outcome is worth the cost. (Click here for tips on how to minimize the damage of snooping.)

Sometimes say “yes.” When your teen asks permission to do something, if your default is always set at “no,” you may be missing out on some developmentally crucial conversations with your teen. But if your first reaction is more like this: “If you can show me how you’re going to do this (whatever this is), while following our agreed upon rules, then we have something to talk about,” you’ll get lots of opportunities to help your teen grow.

Apologize when it’s appropriate. If your words or tone have given your teen reason to doubt your respect for them or that their interests matter, any conversation is likely to cause misunderstandings and hard feelings until you offer a heartfelt apology.

Look for ways to share fun and show you value your teen. Define some things that you can do for and with your teen – tangible things to show them that they’re cared about and valued.

When my kids became teens, I started celebrating what I call their “mirthday” (the day of the month on which they were born). For example, my son was born on July 10th, so on the 10th day of each month I’d find a small way to make him special. When my kids were still at home, this often meant they got to pick a favorite meal or dessert for dinner that night. When they went off to college, I sent little gifts – home baked cookies were always a big hit.

Like Luke, your teen (no matter how hard they try to push you away) still wants you involved in their life. They probably won’t tell you – because they don’t have the words or because they don’t want to look like a child who has to depend on their parent. But if you look closely, you’ll see unmistakable clues that they want you to stay connected with them. So when they tell you that they’re not a little kid and they don’t need you anymore, you might offer a gentle reminder, “Yes, but I’m still your mom.

Your Parenting Experiences
What’s the balance in your parent-teen goodwill account?

You can check the balance by keeping a journal for one week.
– At the end of each day review the interactions you’ve had with your teen that day and write them down in your journal.
– Then go back and categorize each interaction as a negative one or a positive one.
– At the end of the week, review your journal to see how the negative and positive interactions balance out.
– Whatever the balance in your goodwill account is, try to put into practice at least two positive interactions from the list above on a regular basis. In a few weeks try journaling again to see if the balance in your goodwill account is closer to that magic ratio of five to one.

Sources and Resources: A Fine Balance: The Magic Ratio to a Healthy Relationship by the Department of Child Development and Family Studies at Purdue University; Staying Connected to Your Teenager by Michael Riera, Ph.D.

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Modern Family: Season 6, Episode 12, The Big Guns

Haley Smells a Party

Most of tonight’s episode took place over at the Dunphy’s where new neighbors Ronnie and Amber (the ones who own a chain of medical marijuana stores) are causing more grief. This time they’ve stored a huge, eyesore of a boat decked out with gambling symbols in their driveway. After attempts at charm (including homemade banana bread) fail, the Dunphys call in “the big guns” to give the neighbors a taste of their own medicine.
Phil: We see your boat, and we raise you a convoy of retirees.

The convoy turns out to be Phil’s dad, Frank, and a couple of his friends. They make a detour in their cross-country RV tour to stop-by the neighborhood as back-up. However, the plan backfires when Claire and Phil find them partying on the neighbor’s boat.
Phil: Guys, we appreciate all your help, but you probably shouldn’t be up there.
Ronnie (popping up with beer bottle in hand): Hey, I don’t mind.
Claire (sniffing the air): Is that weed I smell?
Phil (to Ronnie): Wait! You gave ‘em pot?!
Ronnie: No. I run a legitimate business. I’m not going to risk it for that (pointing to partying retirees): They brought their own.
Phil: Dad?!
Frank: Not me, son.
Frank’s friend: It’s me and Victor. Makes my arthritis feel better.
Victor: And I’m in remission – from being lame (laughing).

Ronnie hands Frank a beer while Amber passes around a platter of pigs-in-a-blanket.
Phil: What are you guys doing? You’re supposed to be annoying them!
Ronnie (clinking glasses with Frank): These guys could never annoy me.
Frank: Sorry, son. Turns out Ronnie is a fellow army man. Plus, at our age, it’s tough not to like someone who pays attention to us.

The Framework
For parents (like the Dunphys) intent on keeping their teens from using marijuana, the task keeps getting more complicated. Because California (where Ronnie and Amber have set up shop) is not the only state to have legalized pot for medical use. Twenty-two other states have done so. Four states have gone even further – legalizing pot for adult recreational use. And several more states are likely to legalize use in the next couple years.

The legalization movement is sending many teens (and some parents) the message that marijuana is harmless. And this is not at all the message we want our kids to hear.

To be clear, there are potential medical benefits, including easing pain and nausea for those who are ill (like the retiree in tonight’s episode with arthritis or the one with cancer). And moderate marijuana use may pose little risk for healthy adults. But a growing body of evidence indicates that for teens nothing could be further from the truth.

There is strong evidence of negative short-term effects of marijuana use by teens. While teens are high, marijuana:
– Impairs their short-term memory, making it difficult for them to learn and retain information
– Impairs their motor coordination, interfering with their driving skills and increasing the risk of injury
– Impairs their judgment, increasing the chance that they’ll engage in risky sexual behaviors that facilitate transmission of sexually transmitted diseases

In addition, a growing body of research indicates that repeated marijuana use in adolescence may result in long-term problems. In fact, recent research shows that teens who use marijuana regularly before they reach 17 are more likely to:
– Become addicted – with 17% who begin use in adolescence becoming addicted and 25 to 50% of teens who use daily becoming addicted
– Have altered brain development in terms of shape, size and structure in parts of their brains that have long been linked to motivation, emotion, rewards, and addiction – with the greater amount of marijuana smoked, the greater the brain abnormalities
– Drop out of school
– Have cognitive impairments and lowered IQs
– Experience diminished life satisfaction and achievement when compared with the general population

BottomLine
Haley (coming out of the house carrying a large bag of Doritos): Hey! Smells like a party!
Claire: Back inside.
Haley (annoyed): Okay, then.

By simply sending Haley inside, Claire is missing an important opportunity. This is not the first time that Haley has shown more than a passing interest in the new neighbors and their line of work. Yes, Haley is now 21, but she’s still living with her parents – giving them a bigger window into her life and more leverage for influencing and taking action if needed.

What’s a Mom to Do?
Look for natural opportunities to have ongoing conversations with your teen about marijuana use. (For more tips on talking with teens about drinking and drug use, click here.)

If you suspect your teen is using, or if you’re instincts are telling you that something is wrong, it’s time to say something. Even if you think they’re just experimenting and have no hard evidence, you can and should start the conversation. This is about their health and safety so you must not look the other way.

Voice your concerns objectively and speak calmly, using specific observations and details. You might say something as simple as: “I’ve noticed that (you don’t seem like yourself lately, your group of friends has changed, your good grades are slipping, you smelled like marijuana smoke when you came home last night – whatever it is that has caused you to be concerned). And I need you to hear me say that I love you too much to not be worried about you. Please think carefully about the choices you’re making and let me know if I can help.” Saying this let’s you build a case if their worrisome behavior continues. So say this and then quietly monitor them for use.

If you have evidence of one event of drug use, try to remain calm. Your teen needs your sturdy presence more than ever. Try to hold in mind that one occasion of use is not the end of the world. On the positive side, because you found out, you now have a chance to deal with the issue in a way that is much more effective than lecturing to a nonuser.
– Don’t confront your teen while they are under the influence. Your conversation won’t be productive (or remembered) if your teen is high. So if they come home high, let them know that you noticed, that you’re concerned, and that you’ll meet with them the next day about the issue.
– Prepare for the conversation beforehand. Before talking with your teen make sure you’re on the same page as your parenting partner. This means agreeing to present a united front to your teen. Even if you don’t agree on the issue, you’ll be much more effective as a team. Also prepare yourself for your teen’s reaction. No teen is going to be happy to be approached about their drug use. Click here for more on what to expect and specific tips on responding.
– As you talk with your teen, stick with the facts. Tell them what you found or found out – and tell them that it’s part of your job as their mom to do all you can to make sure they stay safe. Tell them you love them too much not to fight them over drug use. And that you won’t give up on this one.
– If you have addiction in the family, acknowledge its significance. Trying drugs a time or two is part of many teens’ experience. But if addiction runs in your family, this experimenting is much riskier for your teen – and your teen needs to be reminded of this. Don’t be afraid to use family stories to remind your teen of the history and the hurt addiction has caused as you caution them to be especially careful so that they don’t develop similar problems.
– Look at the big picture. Instead of jumping to judgment by blaming their friends or seeing this as a huge character flaw, ask yourself why a good kid would do this. Probe for this in your conversations with your teen and with other sources. Consider both dispositional factors (things like stress, depression, impulsivity, wanting to fit-in, and their propensity for risk taking). And consider situational factors (like poorly understood expectations and too little monitoring).
– Be very leery of their insistence that this was a first time use. Teens tend to be very good at minimizing and distorting their involvement with trouble. So consider your teen’s explanation but remember two things: 1) It’s pretty simple for a teen to escape detection if they’re careful and conscientious. So if you catch your teen, they’re getting sloppy in their precautions. 2) The pot, the bongs, and other paraphernalia in your teen’s possession will always belong to their friends.
– Follow up on your conversations with consequences that will keep the boundary line between right and wrong clear. Tell your teen that to you drug use indicates a level of irresponsibility that disqualifies them from privileges such as driving, extended curfews, and sleepovers. But remember that any consequences should provide a clear and reasonable path for re-earning your trust and their privileges.
– Keep your parent radar way up. A second offence warrants a risk assessment by a professional.

Your Parenting Experiences
A while back I attended a forum for parents of teens in a nearby community. A big, burly officer from the local police department was on the panel. He shared stories about parents who’ve called him with worries that something bad was going on with their kids. But these parents weren’t acting on their worries. Why? Because they were concerned about invading their kids’ privacy. His advice to parents: “Teens don’t have privacy. They’re kids. If you’re reluctant to do a search, I’ll do it for you. There’s nothing like having a big guy like me going through your underwear.”

What do think about this advice? Would you call in the big guns to snoop through your teens’ things? (For more on snooping, click here.)

Sources and Resources: Intervention eBook: What to do if your child is drinking or using drugs; “Adverse Health Effects of Marijuana Use” by N. D. Volkow, M.D., R. D. Baler, Ph.D., W. M. Compton, M.D., & S. R. B. Weiss, Ph.D. in the New England Journal of Medicine (June, 2014); “Drugs: the Dos and Don’ts” in Yes, Your Teen is Crazy by M. J. Bradley

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