Roxane Lehmann, Ph.D.

Modern Family: Season 6, Episode 9, Strangers in the Night

Alex Has an Unbelievable Boyfriend

The Framework
Tonight all three households deal with “trust” and “truth” – the foundation trust is built on. Cam and Mitch get a fancy-schmancy couch to show Lily that they trust her enough to let them have one nice thing. And Jay accuses Manny of double crossing him, making it impossible for him to weasel his way out of attending a picnic with Gloria. But it’s over at the Dunphy’s where trust is most fully called into question.

It begins with this.
Haley (holding a long-stem rose): Look what someone left in our mailbox. Again.
Claire: That’s like our fifth one, isn’t it? It’s getting kind of creepy.
Haley: Oh, relax. It’s probably just from Victor – that flower delivery guy I dated.
Alex: Has it ever occurred to you that those flowers could be for me?
Phil: What do you mean?
Alex: I mean like from my boyfriend.
Phil: What?
Claire: You have a boyfriend? … Honey, it’s so exciting! Why didn’t you tell us?
Alex: Because I knew you’d get all weird and ask a million STUPID questions.
Claire (blurting): What did he look like? How did you meet him?
Alex: Okay. I’ll show you a photo (reaching for her phone). Well, I would but now my phone is not working. Oh, Oh, here he is (holding up an ad).
Phil: In the supermarket flier?
Alex: He’s a model.
Haley: Oh, wait! Wait! Your boyfriend is a model?
Claire (incredulously): Well, how did you meet him? There’s not much crossover for a National Honor Society student and a pork model.
Alex: Actually, it’s a really long story.

As Alex walks away, Phil, Claire, and Haley huddle.
Phil: That’s terrific news. I can’t believe she didn’t tell us about him.
Haley: Oh that’s what you can’t believe?
Phil: What do you mean?
Claire: Phil, it’s a little weird. I mean suddenly she has this boyfriend. She wants to show us a picture on her phone, but she can’t. And magically he’s in today’s paper. Huhh. I don’t even want to say it. Haley…
Haley: She’s making it up.

Later Claire and Phil seek Alex out to continue the conversation.
Claire: Your father and I think we owe you an apology … This morning when we didn’t think the rose could be for you, it seemed like maybe it hurt your feelings.
Alex: I guess. A little.
Claire: I am so sorry to make you feel bad. It’s completely believable that you would have an admirer … What we’re worried about is that we’ve created an environment in which you feel it’s necessary to…
Phil: Embell…
Claire: Fanta…
Phil: Exagger…
Alex: Oh my God! You guys don’t think [my boyfriend] is real!
Claire: Sweetheart, I remember the pressure there was to fit-in in high school.
Phil: So do I. And whether you try to fit-in by saying you fought a baby bear or by making up a boyfriend…
Alex: You guys are unbelievable! You really think I’m that pathetic that I have to create some imaginary boyfriend?! … Well, he’s real.

Flipping the Frame: My Notes
One of the most important aspects of parent teen communication is trust.

Teens want to feel trusted by their parents. Often their reasoning goes something like this: “You have to trust me. It’s a way you show you understand I’m not a little kid anymore.”

We parents also very much believe that trust is important. Our thinking typically goes something like this: “If we can’t trust them on this (whatever the current topic), then what can we trust them on?” We saw this with Claire and Phil tonight.
Claire: It makes me wonder about what else she’s making up. I’ve never met that girl she’s tutoring in math.
Phil: Me neither.
Claire: Because she doesn’t exist. There is no Esther Choi on earth who needs math tutoring.

While parents and teens alike value the trust between them, the reality is that from a teen’s perspective, it’s essential that some things be “none of our business.” This is how they carve out a social life and form an identity that is theirs alone – independent from that of their parents.

Thus, when our kids become teens, the straightforward dialogues we used to have with them when they were younger get a lot more complicated. And they use a variety of strategies to make the conversations complicated – complications that often take the form of evasions, omissions, distortions, and outright fabrications.

BottomLine
Alex (to her parents): Why am I even talking to you guys?! Leave!! Get out!!

Teens are outraged when we disbelieve them and they’re telling the truth. And they’re just as outraged when they’re not. Because if teens don’t feel trusted, they don’t feel respected either. And respect is like air to teens. If you take it away, it’s all they can think about.

They roll their eyes. They shout as they stomp away in a huff. And any remaining hope for a conversation goes with the slam of their bedroom door.

What’s a Mom to Do?
There is an art to talking with a teen. Below are some basic guidelines to help you keep the conversations going with your teen.

Stop to clarify. When our teens suddenly explode, we’re wise to consider the possibility that the conversation we think we’re having may actually be about something else entirely. Pausing can help you get your mind straight. And gentle probing can help you figure out why they stomped off in a huff. But it often pays to let them share what’s on their mind at their own pace. So be prepared for a bit of a wait.

When in doubt, say nothing. Not every teen comment requires a reply from us – at least not immediately. So reflect first and follow up later. (I’m talking to you too, Claire).

To learn more, ask. Because most teens view pleasing us as their number one job, most of their answers relay only what they think we want to hear. So be prepared with some probing follow-ups. (For example, “And then what happened?”)

Probe carefully, watching for their reaction. Don’t ask questions that come across as judgments. (Questions that begin with, “Why do you…?” tend to sound like accusations.) And don’t pummel them with questions either – as Claire did tonight. Instead be patient, leaving some space for silence between questions to make sure that they’re finished before asking your next question.

Know when to take a break and do it. Don’t stop just because they make you feel like you’re intruding. But sometimes you have to put a bookmark in your conversation and set a time for picking it up again later. Your teen will let you know when it’s time to take a break. You just have to do it.

Trust is something teens have to earn. But understanding “truth” – the foundation on which trust is built – requires a more fully developed sense of morality and a more fully developed prefrontal cortex. This development happens slowly as teens experiment and experience consequences.

Full maturation may take well into the twenties. Our job is to keep the conversations going so that we can stay involved and participate in the process. In the meantime, it’s wise to expect the truth. But don’t be surprised if you don’t always get it.

Your Parenting Experiences
Were there some things you considered “none of your parents’ business” when you were a teen? If so, what kinds of things were on that list? How about your kids – do you think that they withhold some kinds of information from you?

Sources and Resources: 7 Things Your Teenager Won’t Tell You by Jeniffer Lippincott & Robin Deutsch, Ph.D.; “Learning to Lie” by Po Bronson in the New York Times; Trust Me, Mom… by Roni Cohen-Sandler, Ph.D.; Get Out of My Life… by Anthony Wolf

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Modern Family: Season 6, Episode 8, Three Turkeys

Mitch Could Use a Back-Up

The Framework
Tonight’s episode opens with Phil ecstatically relaying to the camera: I’m cooking Thanksgiving this year! Huge step for Claire to trust me with this… Actually “trust” is too strong of a word. As Claire confides to Alex: [This] is a back up turkey. In case your father’s doesn’t workout – which I hope it does. But just in case it doesn’t, this could save him a lot of embarrassment. Please don’t tell him. He would die if he thought I didn’t trust him.

As much as Phil might resent Claire’s back-up, Mitch would welcome some back-up when it comes to parenting Lily. He complains to Cam: You give-in to her every whim, and I’m “mean Daddy” … Lily is going to turn into a willful, fat little girl unless you start getting tough with her. Because right now you’re her pal, and I’m just a pitchfork wielding she-devil.

It begins at breakfast with this exchange.
Cam (setting a waffle in front of Lily while whisking away untouched scrambled eggs): Here you go, sweetie. You’ll like this better.
Mitch: On my gosh! You’ve got to be kidding me. Not this again.
Cam: But she said her eggs were watery, so I made her a waffle. Please don’t make a thing out of it. I’ve seen you send food back. Remember that time in Miami.
Mitch: Okay. First of all, this isn’t a restaurant. Secondly, my bisque had a tooth in it.
Cam: It was a shell.
Mitch: There was a filling in it!

Lily (to Cam after overhearing her dads argue): Uhhh… I don’t feel like waffles. Can you make me cereal?
Mitch: Absolutely not! ABSOLUTELY NOT! Lily, you’re going to finish that waffle or you’re not going to have breakfast!
Lily: Can I at least eat in front of the TV?
Mitch and Cam (respectively and simultaneously): No. Yes.
Lily (leaving with plate in hand, first to Cam): Thanks, Daddy. (and then to Mitchell) MEAN Daddy!

It continues with this.
Mitch (to Lily): Honey, come on. It’s time to go.
Lily (appearing in casual top and slacks): I’m ready.
Mitch: Oh no, Sweetie. We bought you that pretty, new Thanksgiving dress.
Lily: But I want to wear this.
Mitch: She wants to wear that, Cameron. Thoughts?
Cam: Well, Lily, uhhh… we’re all dressed up. You don’t want to be disrespectful do you?
Lily: I should be able to wear what I want.
Cam: Well, Sweetie, listen. I’m afraid we can’t leave until you put that dress on.
Lily (before going off to change): Hhhh… okay.
Cam (to Mitch): See, as much as you want me to yell, I have a more effective method. When you say to a child, “I will treat you with dignity and respect,” that child will in turn say to you…
Lily (reappearing with dress on over her casual outfit): I left the tag on. This is going back on Monday.
Cam (pointing finger): Lily!
Lily (before dashing out of the house): You said,” Put it on.” Well, it’s on.

Mitch: We cannot let her run the show like this.
Cam: Okay. Trust me. I have another plan.
Mitch: Really? Because right now our child is walking around like a Vietnamese Annie Hall.
Cam: Mitchell, I will make it clear that she is NOT the boss.

But at that exact moment, there’s a series of impatient honks from the car.
Mitch: No. No. We can’t go out now.
Cam (as honking continues): Where did she learn that annoying habit?
Mitch: Claire has been picking her up from meditation Mondays.

Finally, there’s this exchange.
Mitch: Lily, Alex brought your backpack in for you, so why don’t you go ahead and take it out to our car.
Lily: Maybe later.
Cam: Lily, you are not in charge of what you wear or breakfast or anything! Now put that backpack on and march it out to the car!
Lily (trying to pick up backpack): Uhhh… It’s too heavy.
Cam: Well, that’s tough. Because I’m not carrying it out for you anymore.

Flipping the Frame: My Notes
Seven-year-old Lily is definitely running the show tonight. And Mitch and Cam flounder as they try to deal with her. First they fall back on reactive and rote responses. When that doesn’t work, they panic and lay down the law.

We (as well as Mitch and Cam) can avoid becoming overwhelmed like this by getting clear about our purpose and what’s most important in raising our kids. We can then tailor our approach to fit our own values and expectations as well as to the unique personality and needs of our kids.

The preparatory thinking we do to clarify our own values and each child’s unique needs will give us a reserve to draw on when they challenge one of our decisions as Lily did tonight with I should get to do what I want! or variations on that theme – such as “Everybody else get to do it!“ “You are totally unfair!” “Nobody else has parents with such stupid rules!” After all if we’re not clear in our own minds about what we’re trying to accomplish, we can’t hope to communicate our ideas convincingly to our kids.

BottomLine
Cam (to Mitch): You know, [Lily] only [acts] the way she does to get attention.

Maybe Cam is right. It’s possible Lily is acting this way to get attention. But it’s more likely she’s doing it to get what she wants. Either way, the manipulation is working on her parents. And that’s the main reason kids do it.

Almost all kids see their job as figuring out how to get to do what they want to do. So it’s in kids’ nature to try different things to see what response they get. And it doesn’t take most kids long to figure out the advantages of playing one parent against the other to get what they want. They soon realize that just because mom says “no” doesn’t mean dad will too. Like Lily, they might even cuddle up to the more lenient parent while berating the other (the disciplinarian – who more often than not is us moms) when they don’t get what they want.

As we saw tonight with Lily, if kids succeed at this, the original issue is forgotten while the parents argue. Whether kids succeed depends on the parents’ vulnerability to being manipulated like this. But often we parents are unaware of what we’re doing to encourage this kind of behavior in our kids.

What’s a Mom to Do?
Below are a few tips to help you keep your peace of mind while keeping the peace in your home.

Present a united front to your kids. When you’re not united with your parenting partner, you’re not demonstrating confidence or being emotionally objective – both essential when dealing with a determined kid. Presenting a united front is especially crucial when it comes to important family expectations. So make up your mind not to argue in front of your kids during discussions with them. And avoid nonverbal communication that indicates contradiction or disagreement too. Even if your spouse says something you don’t agree with, unless it’s way out of line, go with it for the time being. You can come to an agreement later when out of your kid’s earshot.

Keep your rules simple and prioritize your expectations. Parenting is about managing our goodwill accounts with our kids. Imagine that you had just $1.00 a day to spend on setting and enforcing rules and expectations. Then prioritize how you spend it.

Have a broken record statement to avoid power struggles. These are particularly effective in helping us avoid hot-spot moments when our kids try to wear us down with never-ending repeated requests: “Can I? Can I? Can I? How ’bout now?” To avoid succumbing to these tactics we can determine our bottom line and develop our own broken record statement. For example, at the beginning Mitch and Cam might have said, “Lily, you must finish what’s on your plate before asking for something more.” If they both said this in a calm, matter-of-fact way, there would have been no need for further discussion. They could just keep replying with the same objective, calm response.

Model the behavior you want to see in your kids. Lily sends her food back as she had seen Mitch do before. She honks obnoxiously just like her Aunt Claire. And Lily is not alone. Many of our kids’ behaviors stem from mimicry. Our example is our best method for influencing – for better or for worse.

Tonight Lily’s dads let her behavior drive a wedge between them.
Mitch: So did you have it out with our daughter?
Cam: Well, you know it’s a holiday, and I just…
Mitch: Fine. I will be the permanent bad guy in this family because you are so afraid of our daughter not liking you. But just so you know – I had one parent growing up who wanted to be my friend and another who didn’t care about that. Guess which one is still in my life.

While in the short run splitting her parents might help Lily get what she wants, in the long run Lily would benefit more if, from the beginning, Cam (the current favorite) had backed-up Mitchell (who is out of favor at the moment). Because when parents are loyal and committed to each other, home feels more predictable, more secure, and safer. And these are feelings all kids benefit from.

Your Parenting Experiences
From a big picture view, what are you hoping to accomplish with your children? What attitudes do you hope to instill in them? What are your worst fears for them? What decisions do you want them to make? If you had just a $1 a day to spend on accomplishing what’s most important, how would you spend it?

Sources and Resources: “Pitting Mom Against Dad Just Comes Naturally” by Lynn Smith in the Los Angeles Times; “How and Why Teens Manipulate Their Parents” by Lisa Zamosky and Louise Chang, MD a WebMD feature

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