Roxane Lehmann, Ph.D.

Modern Family: Season 6, Episode 4, Marco Polo

The Adults Are “It”

The Framework
Tonight’s episode shares its name with a game in which someone is chosen to be “it” and, with eyes closed, tries to find and tag the other players using only call and response clues. It’s a kids’ game. But in all three households tonight it is the adults who are the clueless “it.”

Of course, it is Phil who literally gets into the game – in the pool, at the hotel where the Dunphys are staying while their house is being treated for mold. Claire too is “it” tonight – but in a less playful sense. She seems blind to the example she’s setting for her three kids.
Claire (to Haley and Luke): You know, when you don’t think about who’s in there before you, a hotel bath can be really quite relaxing. Do you know if Alex got my glass?
Alex (entering hotel room with glass): Your swipe-card wine.
Claire: Thank you … This magic juice is going to help mama turn that bathtub into a swim-up bar. And a bit later there’s this from a tipsy Claire: Oops. Butterfingers. I spilled my wine in the tub. Then pushing her swipe card toward Alex: Would you mind, Sweetie?

And over at the Pritchett’s, Jay and Gloria take turns being “it” – as neither seems to have a clue about how to parent a maturing Manny.
Manny: I know you were spying on me. Yes, I have a girlfriend. Let me save you some snooping. She’s smart. She’s a senior. She’s our high school’s “it” girl. And “it” dumped the captain of the basketball team for me.
Gloria (later to Jay as girlfriend arrives to pick-up Manny for the football game): That girl is too advanced for him … You go talk to her. Maybe you can put the fear of God in her.
Jay: What bust her windshield or break her pinky?
Gloria: I’ll go disconnect the security camera.

Later, when Manny returns home after the football game, there’s this.
Jay: Good game, champ. Then noting Manny’s downcast mood: You okay?
Manny: Yeah, just a little tired.
Jay: Hey, wait a second. Your team just won six straight. Let’s celebrate with a little scotch. You’re [15] old enough for your first sip.
Manny: She dumped me, Jay. She was just using me to make her old boyfriend jealous … My first girlfriend. She was perfect.
Jay: If you ask me, you’re lucky.
Manny: She dumped me by text while making out with her old boyfriend. I broke down crying. My charcoal ran like mascara. I had to be comforted by the other team’s mascot. Lucky?
Jay: Uhh, I’m not going to lie to you. It sucks. And sometimes it’s got to suck for a while. I just wish I could say some magic words or give you a hug and make it all go away.

As Manny goes, headfirst, in for a hug with Jay, Gloria appears in the background. Using his free hand, Jay signs to her about the breakup and that he’s got it all under control. Gloria silently mouths her appreciation to Jay and heads back up the stairs.
Manny: Can I still have a sip of that scotch like you said?
Gloria (suddenly reappears, emphatically signing to Jay): NO!
Jay (signs back to Gloria): Don’t be crazy. And then answers Manny: Okay. I just opened the bottle. Beautiful. Eighteen-year-old. Full bodied.
Manny (tearfully): Sam…

Flipping the Frame: My Notes
Despite what Claire may have said in the past to her kids about drinking responsibly, tonight her message was that alcohol makes everything better. Just like magic. And even though Gloria was frantically mouthing “No!” behind the scenes tonight, it was Jay’s message that got through to Manny: Alcohol can help you feel good when you want to celebrate and help you feel better when you’re down.

Regardless of how mixed messages are sent, they send conflicting information to our kids and cause confusion about what we really mean. And when it has to do with our kids’ health or safety, our messages need to be as clear as we can possibly make them. This is especially true for our messaging about underage drinking and drug use. Because these substances have risks specific to teens.

Compared to adults:
Teens are highly vulnerable to social influences. Alcohol companies know this and target our kids with slick ads in magazines and on TV. Plus our kids are paying attention as marijuana (both medical and recreational) becomes legal in more and more places.

Teens have lower tolerance levels. This means that they have to use more of the substance sooner to achieve the same effect. Another words, what one drink or one hit did, will take two or three sooner for a teen than it does for an adult.

They become dependent at lower doses. Because their brains are still developing, kids are faster at learning than adults are. And getting addicted is learned just like becoming fluent in a foreign language is learned.

They are at increased risk of problem use later. 1 in 4 people who begin smoking, drinking, or using any addictive substance before the age of 18 get addicted, compared to 1 in 25 who started using at age 21 or older.

Teens’ growing brains may be more vulnerable to longterm damaging effects. There is growing evidence that adolescent exposure to alcohol and drugs like marijuana may affect important connections in brain regions crucial for memory and learning.

BottomLine

Phil: It’s possible they misunderstood me…

Few parents still host “alcohol included” kid parties to celebrate big nights like homecoming and graduation. But plenty of us are sending mixed messages to our kids when it comes to alcohol – making it possible (even likely) for them to misunderstand us.

Some of us are on the fence. We acknowledge that drinking is illegal for teens and potentially dangerous. But we see it as a rite of passage and look the other way. Others of us (like Jay tonight) let our teens drink at home under our supervision. We hope that this will take away the illegal and rebellious lure of drinking and encourage sensible drinking behavior.

However, studies have shown that the more teens are allowed to drink at home, the more they drink outside of the home as well. What’s more, teens who drink on their own and those who drink under their parents’ watch all have an elevated risk of developing alcohol related problems. Plus additional studies have shown that parents’ messages regarding alcohol use while still at home affect their teens’ behavior when they go off to college: Kids whose parents disapprove completely of underage drinking, tend to engage in less drinking and less binge drinking once in college.

What’s a Mom to Do?
Most important are the examples we set in the decisions we make about what, when, and how much to use and the conversations we have before usage is even an issue.

Here are a few thoughts to keep in mind when you’re crafting your messages for your teen.

Have a zero tolerance policy. Part of being a teen is testing rules and their boundary lines. It’s a way for them to assert their growing independence. When we push the lines back (by allowing some use in some circumstances), we are inadvertently creating a greater distance before they get to the line they need to test.

Be crystal clear about your position on alcohol and drug use. The more vague our messages, the easier they are for our teens to ignore.

Use everyday media to spark conversations with your teen. Don’t think about this as “having the talk.” Instead, look for opportunities to have an ongoing conversation with your teen. When you see messaging on TV, on a billboard, or in a movie, ask your teen what they thing about the message and then share your thoughts.

Pair your verbal messaging with matching actions. Make it easier for your teen to make the right decisions and harder for them to make the wrong ones: Be awake when your teen returns home, call friends’ parents to make sure there’s supervision, and ask your teen to call and check-in when they’re out.

Make a point of sometimes hosting family celebrations where alcohol is not included. This will send a message to your teen that you (and other adults) can have fun without drinking.

As you relay your messages to your kids, remember teens often send mixed messages to us. The most common message is that they don’t care what we think or think much about what we say. In fact, nothing could be further from the truth. Parents are one of the biggest influences on their teens’ personal behavior – even when it doesn’t seem that way.

Your Parenting Experiences
One health message that seems to resonate with many teens is that their brains develop until their mid-20s and that their growing brains are more vulnerable to alcohol and other drugs. When you talk with your teen about your expectations around drinking and using drugs, what messages seem to resonate and make the most sense to them?

Sources and other Resources: This is Your Teen’s Brain on Marijuana by Jack Stein, PhD; Kids Need Straight Talk to Stay Safe By Steven Wallace at SADD; With Drinking, Parents’ Rules Do Affect Teens’ Choices by Michelle Trudeau, NPR; Adolescent Substance Use: America’s #1 Public Health Problem by CASA; Haley and the Champagne Flute from MomsOnMonday

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Modern Family: Season 6, Episode 2, Do Not Push

The Parents’ Pushes Feel More Like Shoves

The Framework
A lot of buttons get pushed on Modern Family tonight. There is a literal button in one of the storylines. But a lot of “getting under the skin” kind of button pushing happens tonight too – with parents and kids alike getting in on the action.

The Dunphys all tag along with Alex on a campus tour at Caltech. But Claire has her mind made up even before the tour begins.
Claire: Caltech is the perfect school.
Phil: For Claire.
Claire: And Alex! Come on we’re talking about one of the best schools in the country. Yes, it happens to be 45 minutes from our house … But with Alex the important thing is keeping her close for the next four years. After that I’m never going to see her unless she Skypes me from Neptune where she’s living in a bio-dome she invented.

Once on campus, Claire tries to sell Alex on the school – pushing buttons and getting pushed back in the process.
Claire: Wow! This place screams “Alex”… And check this out – a reflecting pool.
Alex: Great. Maybe you can see how crazy you’re being right now … You need to calm down. This is a college tour – not Oprah’s favorite things.
Claire: I’m just so impressed by this place. Aren’t you?
Alex: Of course, I am … But if you must know, I don’t like everything about it. Honestly, the only reason I took this tour today is so you won’t accuse me of not giving it a fair shot.
Claire: Why wouldn’t you want to go here?
Alex: I can’t believe you’re making me say this! It’s too close to home. I need to get away from you guys a little bit. Okay?

Meanwhile, Lily pushes a few buttons too when she draws a picture of herself and pastes it between her two dads in a photo that’s been on their mantel for years. As Cam explains: We are taking a new photo for above our mantel. Lily is not in the one up there now. And we started to get the impression that it was bothering her.

Now if they can just fix Lily’s smile.
Cam (looking at the first shot): Not bad. Let’s shakeout our faces.
Mitch (taking a peek): Why is she doing that with her face?
Cam: I don’t know. I’ve never seen such a weird, forced smile … I’m going to talk to her. I’ve been photographing her for years. We have a relationship … I’ll tell her that her smile is forced. It looks unnatural. And we’re not going home until we get what we need.
Mitch: A couple things: We are home. And that’s mean.
Cam: What’s your suggestion?
Mitch: We show her the photo and let her discover her weird smile on her own … Let’s do this gently. Okay?

But after looking at the umpteenth shot, Cam confides to Mitch: She looks like Pepper’s Pomeranian. We have to say something. And with that things go from bad to worse. The photo shoot ends with this exchange.
Lily: You mean I’m not beautiful?
Dads (in unison): No. That’s not what we’re saying. No.
Lily (stomping her foot): Just forget it. I don’t want to do this anymore. I’m an ugly monster, and I’m never coming out of my room again.

Flipping the Frame: My Notes
All of us have buttons that get pushed. And if you have a kid, you have at least one button pusher in your life. Our kids seem to instinctively know how to exasperate and worry us like nobody else can.

Moms today have more buttons for pushing than ever before. Because over the generations, we’ve assumed new responsibilities and become more and more psychologically invested in our kids. We tend to hold ourselves responsible for our kids’ physical well being – which, historically, is what parents have always worried about. But we also tend to hold ourselves responsible for our kids’ emotional health, their current happiness, and their future success.

On top of all this responsibility is our longing to feel connected and close to our kids. At some level most of us fear not being liked by them. Add to this the fact that many of the things we feel responsible for are outside of our control – especially once our kids become teens. In short, we moms have a lot of buttons. And they’re often hot.

BottomLine
After the photo shoot, Mitchell calls Claire who, of course, has some advice at the ready.
Claire: Mitchell, I say this with love … But when you became a parent, I knew this was going to become a problem for you because you like to control everything … Bottom line: It’s all going to work itself out. But if you [say something] and push her on it, she’s just going to push you away.

Children have buttons too, and kids of all ages are attuned to indications of disapproval from their parents. But teens’ buttons are especially hot. Picture the emotional centers of their brains as a whole bunch of exposed nerves. Like an exposed tooth root, even the slightest sensation gets exaggerated. Just a hint of disapproval can trigger a defensive response that looks nothing short of irrational.

Most of us have learned the hard way that our efforts to advise and protect often angers our teens. We know we’re treading on dangerous ground, so we try to tread lightly. Like Mitchell and Cam tonight, rather than coming right out and saying directly what’s on our mind, we try to be gentle.

But our gentleness often makes our teens even angrier. Because a big part of their job in growing-up is to prove to themselves (and to us) that they can make their own decisions. They see our advice as criticism of their ability to do their new job. And they feel compelled to show us that we – or at least our direction and advice – are often wrong.

Our teens don’t want our advice. They want our approval.

But what if we don’t approve? It’s our job to guide our teens.

What’s a Mom to Do?
There’s some truth in Claire’s advice to Mitchell tonight. Speaking up can be costly. We risk hurting our teen’s feelings in a way we didn’t intend. Or we might cause an argument, widening the distance that has been growing between the two of us.

Yet if we stay silent, who will help our teens learn how to make good decisions and do the right thing?

Below are some questions to help you determine if you’re staying silent when you should be speaking up.

Are health and safety at issue? If it involves your teen’s health or safety, it must be addressed.

Does it threaten respect, trust, or smooth family functioning? This includes issues about your teen staying in contact – calling to let you know when their plans have changed and answering when you call them.

Am I acting out my concerns by using subtext? When our intuition is telling us to say something but we know we’re treading on dangerous ground, it’s tempting to send indirect messages to our teens. Tonight’s photo-shoot with Lily and her dads provided some great illustrations of this. Sometimes we use indirect jokes and off-hand comments like Mitchell and Cam did to get our messages across. But more often we use body language and questions we already know the answer to

If you answered “yes” to any of these questions, you probably should be speaking up. But saying something to your teen doesn’t have to begin with offering advice. When we begin that way, we’re telling our teens we know what’s best for them – that we’ve got everything figured out before they’ve had a chance to think things through for themselves.

Instead, consider beginning by asking questions. Don’t make it an interrogation. Try to make the tone conversational. And as you listen, try to show genuine curiosity about how your teen sees things.

Sometimes this small change in the way we approach conversations with our teens can improve both our communication and our relationship with them. But if you try this and your teen still doesn’t respond the way you’d hoped, rest assured. Your opinion still matters to your teen. Their extreme reaction is proof of that.

For further reassurance, make an extra effort to notice what your teen is doing well and acknowledge it on a regular basis. This kind of specific and genuine praise is bound to add to the goodwill between you and your teen. And seeing how important your praise is to your teen is more evidence of just how much your opinion means to them.

Your Parenting Experiences
Seeing something in our child that reminds us of a “flaw” in ourselves is often one of our hottest buttons. Click here to see an example of this from tonight’s show. Have you ever had that button pushed?

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