Roxane Lehmann, Ph.D.

Modern Family: Season 6, Episode 1, Love is in the Air

Except Around Alex

The Framework
In tonight’s season-opener love is in the air. Just about everywhere.

It’s been three months since Cam and Mitchel got married, but Cam refuses to let the honeymoon end. Reminding Mitchel that it’s their third month-sary, he gifts him with another bouquet – in a house already so filled with flowers that Lily laments: I sure do miss when this house wasn’t full of bees.

Even Jay and Gloria stop sparring long enough to feel the love tonight. While over at the Dunphy’s it’s downright blissful. Complete with a butterfly fluttering around their breakfast table. There’s been no fighting. No issues. And no Alex. The family sums up their summer this way:
Phil: We are having…
Haley: the most perfect summer…
Luke: ever!

That is until Alex prematurely returns from her summer away building a college resume by building houses for the poor.
Alex: I got a ride home early. This has been the worst summer every! … Last night my tent ripped so I had to sleep under a plywood board leaning up against a van. Not that I could sleep with all the rats. And, by the way, if any of you start coughing-up blood, my bad. I think I brought back the plague.

And it’s almost like she did. Because everything changes. Right down to the butterfly – which is displaced by a dive-bombing bat. Of course, the household’s downward spiral is not lost on Alex who exclaims: You all are happier without me!

Flipping the Frame: My Notes
Why is Alex so darn moody? Many of us have asked the same thing about our kids once they hit adolescence.

For years teen moodiness was blamed on hormones. But thanks to brain imaging done since the 1990s, we now know that dramatic brain changes taking place during adolescence also play a role. Because these physical changes move in a long, slow wave from the rear to the front of the brain, the brain’s development is uneven – with the emotional regions of a teen’s brain maturing well before the other brain regions that are responsible for planning, judgment and self-control. The result is that teens are capable of very strong passions and emotions before they have the brakes to slow their reactions down.

BottomLine
Claire: You don’t think that Alex is the reason why we’re…
Phil: No. No, I don’t. We both knew that this charmed summer had to have a bump in it somewhere.
Claire(trying to reassure herself): Yeah. Yeah. It’s not like Alex coming home could suddenly throw off our whole happy mojo.

We’ve all been warned about teen mood swings. But that doesn’t prepare us for how it feels when the moodiness hits our own household. It can leave us questioning where we went wrong. And wondering how we possibly managed to raise this scowling, self-righteous, eye-rolling, door-slamming kid.

Truth be told, Claire was onto something when she wondered aloud whether Alex’s return had thrown off all their happy mojo. A moody teen can seem to suck the positive energy right out of a home.

What’s a Mom to Do?
It can help to remind ourselves that our teens’ mood swings are due more to nature than nurture. But this doesn’t let us totally off the hook. It’s still our job to help guide them through these rough patches of adolescence. Here are a few things to keep in mind when dealing with a moody teen.

Try to be patient – even when you’re not feeling particularly tolerant. Remember that the uneven development of their brains puts teens at the mercy of emotions that they cannot easily regulate and control. Teens may lash out at home because they’ve worked so hard to keep their emotions and feelings under control all day while they were at school.

Don’t give up or give in. While it’s true that there’s a biological limit to our teens’ ability to keep their emotions in check, it doesn’t mean that we should stop providing guidance. On the contrary, it’s our job to remind them that they can’t treat others badly even when they’re feeling crummy or cranky. But try to use a light touch as you go about it.

Keep a watchful eye out for warning signs of something more serious. Studies show that about 20% of teens have a serious mental health issue – with depression and anxiety among the most common. So we need to be vigilant.

It can be hard to tell typical teen angst from early signs of something more serious. So if you’re worried, try putting your teen’s behavior into perspective. Occasional outbursts of anger, grouchiness, and crying are normal. Some tension is typical too. However, moodiness that persists for two or more weeks should be taken seriously. So should falling grades, shunning friends, and refusing to participate in activities they once loved. Excessive anger and changes in eating or sleeping patterns are also things to watch out for. If you notice any of these symptoms, it’s wise to take your concerns to your pediatrician or family doctor.

Stay connected and keep the conversations going. Make sure your teen knows that they can talk to you about anything and that you will listen and work hard to really hear them. This is by far the most important thing we moms can do. It gives us the best chance to see a problem coming.

And as you keep an eye out for warning signs, also watch for signs of your teen’s caring, better self. For, as we were reminded tonight, even Alex at her most annoying has some endearing qualities. Also coax a hug with your teen when you can. Because, like Alex, our teens need to be reminded that they belong and that they’re loved.

Your Parenting Experiences
Claire reflecting on her family’s blissful summer comments: The Dunphys have had some great days. We just have a little trouble stringing them together.

How about your family – when was the last time you had a whole string of great days? What do you think kept the negativity away?

Sources: Beautiful Brains by David Dobbs in National Geographic (10/2011) Worried About a Moody Teen? by Elizabeth Bernstein in Wall Street Journal (6/2010)

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Modern Family: Season 5, Episode 24, The Wedding, Part II

Partners for Life

The Framework
After many, many false starts, Mitch and Cam finally get married tonight. The grooms don’t have the most captivating storyline in their own wedding episode though. Competing with the couple’s story is Jay’s heartwarming reconciliation with Mitch and Haley’s “I like him; I like him not” relationship with Andy. But it was the interactions between the siblings that captured my attention tonight.

There’s the sibling teasing as Luke squabbles with Manny like a stereotypical “married couple.” Alex captures it all on film, exclaiming: I can’t get enough of this!

There’s the sibling snubbing as Haley ignores Alex in favor of Andy.
Alex: Okay, this is weird. I think this is the same seat I use to nervously scratch on – on my way to school.
Haley (looking at her phone): Ahhh. Poor thing.
Alex: Yeah. Even though I felt such pressure to be …
Haley (still looking at phone): Andy’s flight is delayed again!
Alex to Haley: Okay, that was close. We almost connected on a human level.

But it’s Claire’s closing voiceover that best encompasses what it means to be a sibling. As Mitch walks down the aisle on Jay’s arm, Claire reflects: I remember like it was yesterday – the day that Mitchell came home from the hospital in a very unfashionable white diaper with three strands of scraggly Raggedy Andy hair … We were inseparable. I was his big sister. His big brother. His nemesis. His protector. His best friend … I was his first partner …

Flipping the Frame: My Notes
For years researchers have tried to figure out what shapes kids’ personalities the most. First they thought it was parents – especially moms. Next they thought it was genes. Then it was their friends. Now more and more evidence suggests that of all the factors that shape personality, siblings are at the top.

This makes sense from just the sheer amount of time kids spend with their siblings. Even during the teen years when pushing away from family is the norm, kids still spend at least ten hours a week with their sibs. All this together time gives brothers and sisters lots of opportunity to learn from each other – with learning going both up and down the age scale.

The sibling fights that drive us crazy give sibs training on how to resolve conflict – and how not to do it. This can give them a big advantage down the line in marriage and in the workplace.

Sibling rivalry can push kids to learn skills and build strengths. Sometimes younger kids mimic their older sibs while older sibs push themselves to do things so as not to be out-shone by a younger sib who has already done it. At other times, to minimize the rivalry, siblings strive to carve out their own identity by being different: She’s the pretty one; I’ll be the smart one or He’s the athlete; I’ll be the musician.

And for learning about the world of the opposite sex, there’s nothing better than having an older sibling who’s a member living in the same house. Compared with their peers, girls with older brothers and boys with older sisters tend to converse more easily and be better liked by members of the opposite sex.

BottomLine
Phil (wrapping up his duty as wedding officiant): By the powers vested in me by the state of California, I am privileged to pronounce you spouses for life.

The thing is, even if Cam stays with Mitch for the rest of his life, he wasn’t there from the beginning like Claire. Our spouses arrive relatively late in life, and our parents will eventually be gone. So it’s siblings who may be the only ones who truly qualify as partners for life. And given the powerful force of sibling relationships, we moms have a stake in building healthy relationships between our kids.

What’s a Mom to Do?
Below are some tips to help you help your kids get along.

Don’t compare their achievements. If you do, you’ll only make your kids’ natural rivalry worse. Instead, look for areas in which each child is doing well and praise them without measuring them against their sibs or anyone else. Use words like “quick” and “strong” rather than comparison words like “quickest” or “strongest.” Viewing themselves as the quickest or the strongest causes kids to crave the exhilarating feeling of being the best. And as they get older and the comparison pool gets bigger, there will almost always be someone who is quicker or stronger.

Avoid pigeonholing them. Adolescence is a time when kids are finding out who they are and figuring out what they want to do with their lives. Labeling them tells them who they are before they’ve even had a chance to figure things out for themselves. Narrow reputations (the creative one, the smart one, the athletic one, the spoiled one, the problem child), even when they’re stated in positive terms, can be bad for our kids. They can feel pressure to live up to positive labels and to think of their negative reputations as unlikely to change regardless of their efforts to improve.

Promote both shared activities and alone time. Siblings benefit from time together to learn social skills – like how to compromise, take turns, and make amends. But everybody needs some time alone. And sibs tend to get along better if some times are designated as time away from each other – especially during vacation times when there’s no school to break up the kids’ time together.

Don’t play favorites. Favoritism is the one thing that can make or break our kids’ relationships with one another. For kids the real issue is fairness. But if we try to be fair by treating all our kids the same, we’re in for trouble. Because we’re bound to treat our kids of different ages, abilities, and needs differently. Plus even if we could treat each of our children in exactly the same way, chances are they’d respond to us in different ways and their experiences would not be the same. So rather than suggesting to your children that you’ll try to treat them equally, it’s wiser to assure them that you’ll strive to be fair by taking their individuality into account and giving each what they need.

Kids spend more time with their siblings than they do with anybody else – more than they spend with their friends, with their teachers, with us, or even by themselves. And kids are stuck with their siblings for life. So it’s well worth the time and energy it takes to help our kids get along.

Your Parenting Experiences
From the time they are born siblings begin shaping each other. They serve as sparring partners, measuring sticks, protectors, competitors, co-conspirators, collaborators, models, and cautionary tales. Which of these roles best describe the relationships you and your sibs shared as kids? What do you think your kids would say about their relationships with each other?

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