Roxane Lehmann, Ph.D.

Modern Family: Season 5, Episode 21, Sleeper

The Dads Fall Asleep at the Wheel

The Framework
This week’s half-hour contained at least six subplots – each with a different sticky situation. What caught my attention through all the fast paced action was the interaction between the fathers and their children. Due to a bizarre bout of narcolepsy, Phil literally falls asleep at the wheel while driving – and talking to Alex. Meanwhile the kids in the other two households complain about their fathers’ inattentiveness.

Mitchell complains that his dad doesn’t notice him.
Mitchell (playing a player piano): I’m pretty good, huh?
Jay: Yeah. But you were always good. I’m just glad you stuck with it.
Mitchell: Seriously?!
Jay: What?
Mitchell: It’s playing itself!
Jay: Well, I didn’t know.
Mitchell: You honestly thought I just became a piano virtuoso, Dad? You’ve know me my whole life. Have you ever seen me take a lesson?
Jay: I thought maybe you were self-taught.
Mitchell: I’m sorry, you’re right. Like when I taught myself to play the clarinet.
Jay: Exactly!
Mitchell: I never played the clarinet!
Jay: Can we drop it? Let’s go get an ice cream.
Mitchell: What about my lactose intolerance?!
Jay: Oh, I’m not loving this game.

Manny also feels that he has to compete for Jay’s attention.
Gloria (to Manny who comes into the house limping): What happened?
Manny: It was something stupid I was trying out. And I don’t know why. Since it’s basically impossible.
Jay (entering the house with his dog Stella riding a skateboard): Gloria! Gloria! Check it out! Is this the cutest thing you’ve ever seen?! She did it on her first try.
Manny: Sure rub it in, Jay! … Now she’s just showing off.

And Lily insists that she too has been forgotten by one of her dads.
Claire (to Cam): I’m so sorry it took me so long to get you these clothes. I left them in the back of my car and completely forgot about them.
Lily: Sounds familiar.
Cam (to Lily): I was in the pharmacy for three minutes. You had a cracked window and a juice box. Can we retire that story?!

Flipping the Frame: My Notes
Tonight we got a window into the importance kids place on their relationships with their fathers. While there is no single right way for fathers to be involved, the research is clear that children with involved fathers have an advantage – socially and academically – over kids with distant or no relationship with their dads. When the dad is involved, kids have higher self-esteem and are less likely to be depressed. In addition, quality father and child time means kids have fewer behavioral problems, more confidence, more social competence, and higher grades in school.

In short, fathers who are involved with their kids, have kids with fewer problems. This holds true even when the father doesn’t live in the same home as the child. And, of course, someone other than the birth father – an adoptive father, a stepdad, an uncle, grandfather, good friend, or other close acquaintance – can provide a beneficial male influence.

BottomLine
Jay (to Mitchell): If it seems sometimes I don’t notice you, it’s because [I’m] focused on [my] own stupid problems.

Some fathers seem to withdraw from their role as a father during their kids’ teen years. As Jay explained, sometimes fathers withdraw due to the stresses and busyness of their own lives. Sometimes it’s in response to a teen’s pushing away as they battle for independence. But sometimes dads are less involved because we moms have convinced our co-parent that we know best and that we’re in-charge.

Regardless of the reason, a reduction in a father’s availability and guidance during the teen years can put kids at a disadvantage.

What’s a Mom to Do?
A few years back a study in the Journal of Family Psychology described the impact moms have on a dad’s fathering. The researchers found that when mothers criticized their co-parents’ efforts, it caused them to lose confidence, become discouraged, and even withdraw from helping. But when moms encouraged and praised the fathers’ efforts, they took a more active parenting role.

Although the study looked at day-to-day care of an infant, similar dynamics play out in households with older children. Of course there are exceptions, but by and large we moms are the gatekeepers by either encouraging or curtailing how much fathers are involved in parenting. Even when dads think they should be involved, if we are highly critical of their parenting efforts, the fathers’ beliefs about the importance of his involvement don’t matter.

Kids with highly involved dads have an advantage, so we moms need to be careful about how we’re shaping the role of fathers. Below are a few tips to help us open the gate to our co-parent’s involvement in our kids’ lives:

Point out the positive results you see from their father’s efforts. For example, when he juggles his schedule to fit into the kids’ lives (even if you’re of the mind that this is just part of his job as a dad), let him know that it was appreciated. And when he’s not able to be at some event in your teen’s life but calls or texts to let your teen know he’s thinking about them, make sure he knows how much that meant to your teen.

Give him advice and hints in a non-threatening way. When differences in parenting styles come up, we moms are often viewed as the “expert.” And sometimes we send the message to dads that we want them involved but only in a specific way. Instead of responding to what you think is the “wrong way” to parent with exasperated sighs or rolling eyes, consider asking Can we talk about this? Or Would you like me to tell you what I’ve learned that seems to work in situations like this one?

Don’t disagree in front of the kids. If you disagree with a decision your children’s father makes regarding the kids or something he says to the kids, discuss it with him later in private. Unless it is something way out of line, support him in front of the kids.

Beginning when our children were newborns, we moms are likely to have done more of the explicit nurturing. Even now that our kids are teens, when something goes wrong, our first instinct is still often to sooth and comfort. A father’s first instinct is more likely to be about helping them learn a valuable lesson. So our kids will tend to gravitate to us when they are upset or ill; in the middle of the night they call our name. But they tend to listen more closely to their father’s advice.

Your Parenting Experiences
Our parenting style is often quite different than our co-parent’s style. Many times our differences complement or balance each other. So with some work, we can turn our differences into an asset. How have you worked out differences in parenting style with your co-parent?

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Modern Family: Season 5, Episode 20, Australia

An Upside Down Family Trip

The Framework
In tonight’s opening scene Luke is upside down in a handstand, exclaiming: We’re in Australia. It’s on the bottom of the globe. So everybody but me is upside down.

His parents fill in the details.
Phil: I came from the Land Down Under. I was conceived on my parents’ honeymoon. It was on a blanket in the park. And I still have that blanket.
Claire: Phil’s mom left us money for a trip there. When the rest of the family found out, they just jumped onboard.

But once they reach Sydney, the family quickly splits into factions.

Claire and Jay come up with one excuse after another to sneak-away to work on winning a bid for a big job. Claire is especially intent on winning. As Jay puts it: Claire has an incredible work ethic. She’s like a Young Me … Young Me was an accountant from Korea. Died at her desk.

Mitch and Cam also keep contriving reasons to ditch the family. It seems that back in the day they knew this guy who now lives in Sydney. He was kind of annoying then, but now he’s a big-time talk show host here. Needless to say, the perks that come with his celebrity status are a magnet for Mitch and Cam who quickly become hangers-on.

Meanwhile Phil is on a spiritual journey to embrace his native land – with a reckless abandon that leaves him with swollen lips, a body mutilated by jellyfish stings, and a hard punch in the face from a kangaroo. As Gloria, the adult accompanying him, laments: I don’t know how I’m going to keep Phil safe anymore. I think he’s going to die here.

With the adults acting like children, the kids are pretty much left on their own. Luke and Manny takeoff for a topless beach and on the way back join a random group of men who invite them to go on a walkabout. Alex fixates on finding the words to turn the trip into a worldly experience worthy of a college essay. And Haley keeps an eye on Lily all the while having her sights set on finding a hottie worth keeping. As Haley explains: This country’s number one export is hot surfers. I’m not going to buy the first one I see. I’m still browsing.

Flipping the Frame: My Notes
Although we didn’t see evidence of this tonight until the very end of the episode, family trips to new places can strengthen our connection to our teens.

This happens in part because exploring a place we’ve never been puts our teens and us on a more level playing field. This doesn’t mean we get to abandon our roles as the adults did tonight. We’ve still got to be the parents, but we may find ourselves dependent on our teens for a change. A kid with a good sense of direction may be the first to figure out the subway system. Or an outgoing kid may be the one who asks a stranger for directions.

BottomLine
Phil: This place was really special to my mom. She actually left me a list of things she thought we should do: visit the Great Barrier Reef, see the bush, and climb the Sydney Harbor Bridge. You guys are with me – right?
The others: No… Not doing that… You know how I feel about heights…

Tonight on Modern Family’s upside down trip the foot dragging came mostly from the adults. But in real life it’s typically the teens who drag their feet when it comes to family trips. They worry about leaving their friends and what they’ll miss out on. And, to be honest, they probably have their doubts about what it’ll be like to spend days on end with just their family.

What’s a Mom to Do?
Don’t take your teen’s foot dragging personally. Chalk it up to the worries and doubts that are a part of doing almost anything new. And then before they really dig in their heels, put some plans in place that will help get things off on the right foot.

Here are some tips to help get everyone onboard for your next family trip.

Give everybody a say. Don’t dictate the agenda. As Phil learned tonight, it’s hard to get everybody onboard that way. And forget trying to negotiate to build consensus. Instead let everybody be in-charge of choosing one family activity. Only three rules apply here:
– It has to be an activity that everybody can do safely.
– It can’t be a budget buster.
– And everybody has to enthusiastically participate.

Give them some space. Don’t get quarters so tight that there’s no room for privacy or pack the schedule so full that there’s no free time. This is especially important if you’re traveling with a kid like Alex.

Build in a way to say “yes.” Things like parasailing, zip lining, and jet skiing are teen magnets. But they can blow the budget big time. Instead of nixing everything on their “I want to…” list, build in a way to let them decide: Give your teen a set amount to spend on the trip, and let them keep any money leftover.

Set a no-texting time zone. If you try to ban texting for the entire trip (what you’d really like to do), your teen is likely to rebel. But if you compromise by setting times when they can and when they can’t text, chances are they’ll go along with the plan. Initially, they may still complain. But eventually they may get so involved in the fun, that they’ll forget they’re disconnected.

Bend the regular rules. Your teen will still need some guidelines and some watching. (For proof look no further than Manny and Luke’s decisions tonight.) But take a break from the normal routine: Like letting them have dessert first or order a dessert that’s bigger than dinner. Allowing them to stay up late sometimes and sleep in the following mornings. Closing the door on their unmade beds.

Let them bring a friend. Not on every trip you take as a family. And maybe not for the whole time. But every now and then letting your teen invite a friend can mean more fun for them and a little more relaxation for you.

Your Parenting Experiences
Traveling as a family takes us out of the normal routine, letting us see qualities in our kids that the normal routine keeps us from seeing. What have you discovered about your kids while on a family trip?

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