Roxane Lehmann, Ph.D.

The Dunphy House Rules

Season 4, Episode 11

The Framework

Jay takes all the adults – Gloria, Claire, Phil, Cam, and Mitchell – to a hotel in Palm Springs for New Year’s Eve. The kids are left at home with Haley in charge; Alex is her backup. And as fourteen-year-old Luke’s plans for the evening unfold, it quickly becomes clear that it’s he, and not the much younger Lily, who is going to give his babysitting sisters a run for their money.

Within minutes of Luke’s girlfriend’s arrival, there’s this interchange:

Becca: Can I see your bedroom?
Luke: Well, I didn’t clean it for me.

The two head upstairs to Luke’s bedroom, thrusting his sisters into the uncomfortable role of parent figures as they try to catch-up and handle a situation that is moving way too fast.

Alex: Did you know this was happening?
Haley: I don’t even know what this is…
Alex: They’re going upstairs alone. Is that even allowed?
Haley: I don’t know.
Alex: Should we say something?
Haley: Like what?
Alex: Like it’s not okay.
Haley: Well maybe it is.
Alex: Is it?
Haley: I don’t know.
Alex: I just feel like we’re not doing our job as babysitters.

Eventually, the sisters decide that they must take action.

Alex: They’ve been in there forever. Do something! You’re in-charge! …
Haley: Huhhh! Fine.

And with that, the two girls head upstairs to knock on Luke’s bedroom door, initiating this give-and-take:

Luke: What do you want?!!
Haley: You have to keep your door open.
Luke: Why?
Haley: Well, why do you need it closed?
Luke: Because we’re going to make-out.
Haley: Ohhh… Ummm… Well, you can’t have your door closed.
Luke: Why? Do you want to watch or something?! That’s weird!
Alex: Ewww!
Haley: Of course, we don’t want to watch!
Luke: That’s perfect.

As Luke goes back in his bedroom and closes the door, his sisters are left standing on the other side in disbelief:

Haley: But you can’t… What do you…
Alex: What just happened?

If you were keeping score, you’d definitely have to give that round to Luke. But his sisters aren’t giving up. They climb the stairs again – this time with a plan in mind and a basketful of laundry in-hand:

Alex: So what’s the plan, Haley?
Haley: I’m going in. That’s our baby brother up there. I’m not ready for this: for girls with hormones! It’s gross!
Alex: But we can’t just barge-in…

And they don’t. Haley knocks first. Then, there’s this:

Haley: I’m coming in!
Luke: What are you doing?
Haley: Just putting away some laundry.
Luke: That’s a bra! And a tablecloth!
Becca: Can’t you do this later?
Haley: Excuse me? Does your mother know you’re here?
Becca: Yeah.
Haley: Big pause. No eye contact. I was so much better at this than you. You’re out!
Luke: No she’s not!
Haley: Yes she is! It’s late. You’re thirteen…
Alex: Fourteen.
Haley: Fourteen, and unless Nicole Bitchy here wants me to call her parents and tell them she’s lied…
Becca: I’d better go. Bye, Luke.
Luke: Wait! Why does she have to go?
Haley: Because I said so.
Luke: You’re not the boss!
Alex: Don’t talk back to your sister.
Luke (stomping off): Ohhh! I hate you!!!

Flipping the Frame: My Notes

As I watched Haley and Alex try to fill their parent’s shoes for one night, I found myself comparing their conversations and debates with those you and I might have on any given night – in our heads, with our spouses, or with our kids – as we try to stay ahead of the teen action in our homes. Especially when we’ve not had a chance to clarify our thinking in advance.

Actually, the sisters weren’t that bad as stand-in parents for a younger sib – especially one who unexpectedly invites his girlfriend over and promptly takes her to his room. Truth be told, I’m not sure I would have done much better in my early years of parenting a teen. Since then, though, I’ve learned a few tricks of the parenting trade – things that we (and the Dunphys) can do to make teen entertaining in our households go better all around:

• Develop a clear set of rules for teen entertaining. This is particularly true when it comes to their bedrooms because teens tend to think of their bedrooms as their own space. And things get confusing and frustrating for them when it seems that we parents let them have privacy one minute and take it away the next. We can help them feel respected by always knocking before entering their room (Good job Haley and Alex!) and by having a clear set of rules in place about privacy – rules that take into account our values and their maturity.

– Some parents require that bedroom doors be kept open and the lights on when teens have friends over. Others decide to make bedrooms totally off-limits. And yet others require only that the doors remain unlocked. Wherever you draw the line, be sure your teen knows what you expect and that they know the values about sexuality your expectations are based on.

– Without clear knowledge of our values, our teens are on their own with only their peers and the media culture to guide them. So while your teen may still argue and resist the rules, at least they’ll understand the values they are based on and have your caring, adult perspective to draw upon for guidance.

• Establish a greeting ritual. Greet your teen’s friends in a way that will make them feel welcome and feel your presence. Make friendly eye contact as they come in the door and greet them with a hug, a pat on the back, or a handshake.

• Float in and out of the teen entertainment scene. Doing a chore like laundry that requires occasionally passing through or by the teen scene will work. But delivering intermittent snacks can often work even better as a disguise for your check-ins. With each delivery you can linger briefly to ask a friendly question and assess the scene.

• Handle rule breaking with dispassion. If a house rule is broken or if you suspect a rule breaking, it usually works best to pull your teen aside to state your concern and ask some direct questions. And if a transgression has occurred, make the call with as much dispassion as you can muster. If you lose your cool, there’s not much chance that your teen’s reaction will be what you hope for. Because they’re bound to see your actions as an attempt to embarrass them – especially if their girlfriend or boyfriend is witnessing the scene.

The BottomLine

Regardless of how we parent, our teens see their job as figuring out how to get to do what they want. And because getting to do what they want basically boils down to dealing with us, we are at our best as a parent when we have clarified our thinking in advance. Staying ahead of the teen action in our homes means that we have thought through our values and have clear rules in place based on those values. We can then be prepared to monitor and follow through with appropriate consequences if the rules are broken.

But sometimes, in spite of our best efforts, we’re forced to play catch-up, our reactions are slowed-up, and we end-up confused and feeling totally inadequate as a parent. These are the times when our teens are likely to respond as Luke did – stomping out and shouting that they hate us.

And I’ve learned the hard way, that these are the times when it’s best to let them have the last word. The times when it’s best to say silently to ourselves – what Haley said aloud, what she has undoubtedly heard her mother Claire say on more than one occasion: You hate me now, but someday you’ll thank me.

Flipping the Frame: Your Parenting Experiences

• Have you come up with any strategies that work particularly well for monitoring teen entertainment in your home?

• Do you thinking dating teens should be allowed to entertain in their bedrooms? Does age matter?

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Haley Slides Back into a Role She Should Have Outgrown

Season 4, Episode 10

The Framework

Tonight’s major storylines were about flipping a house and turning a field into a baseball diamond for Luke and Manny’s underdog team. But it was a sideline story about Haley that caught my attention.

It’s breakfast time in the Dunphy household. Haley has been home for only a matter of weeks after being suspended from college, and today is the day that she is set to start a new job. Today is also the day that Claire and Phil slide back into a parenting routine that Haley should have outgrown years ago. And with her parents again in takeover mode, Haley slides right back into a role that she should have outgrown even earlier:

Claire: Haley! Hurry up! I’ve made chocolate chip pancakes.

Phil (to Haley a few minutes later as he sits down next to her at the table): Honey, you excited about your first day? … Listen. Ahem… I want to give you some advice.

Claire: Do it fast! She’s going to be late.

Phil: Work hard. Keep your eyes on the ball. Stay focused. Never… (and then his phone chimes with an in-coming text from Mitchell and all three – Phil, Claire, and Haley – right on cue, lose their focus.)

Haley: Well, I’ve got to go. Don’t want to be late my first… (and then as she glances at her phone to check the time) Oh, my God! Why didn’t you guys tell me the time!!!

Flipping the Frame: My Notes

As Claire warns her boomerang daughter not to be late and Phil offers her unsolicited advice, it’s clear they’re more than a bit anxious. And why wouldn’t they be? When a young adult moves back in – regardless of the reason – it’s normal for parents to worry that, at some level, this is a judgment about their parenting skills.

At least the Dunphys can take comfort in knowing that they are not alone. Today over twenty million 18 to 30-year-olds live with their parents. And like many of these parents, the Dunphys have found that it’s hard to give up the controls when kids move back in. That’s because when we parents fear that our kids are going in the wrong direction, all of our instincts tell us to hold on to them tighter.

And let’s be honest, if Haley is not moving in the wrong direction, she certainly isn’t moving very quickly in the right direction either. I mean it’s not as though she’s actually ready for college – much less adulthood.

But Phil and Claire would do well to remember that their main mission as parents is to help their boomerang daughter on her journey to full adulthood. And to successfully fulfill their mission they need to give up on the idea of trying to control her and instead look for ways to work with her in a partnership based on mutual respect.

The Dunphys (and all of us with young adults moving back in) can increase the odds that what happens in our households will be positive by having a meeting of the minds before the move in takes place to lay the groundwork for the new partnership, highlight the expectations, and work out the details of the transition. It’s a good idea to take and keep notes of what transpires so that you can refer back to what was agreed upon as you work to hold up your end of the bargain and hold them accountable for theirs. If your young adult is already living at home, you can still have this conversation by finding a good time to talk and beginning the conversation with something as simple as, “You know, I’ve been thinking more about your transition back home…”

Regardless of when the conversation takes place, here are some things that you’ll want to include in the discussion:

• Set a time limit. You can always renegotiate the timeframe later if you need to, but it’s wise to set a target date for moving out before your young adult even moves in. The date will depend on the specific reason(s) that brought them home in the first place. It may be weeks, months, perhaps even a few years in the future.

• Help clarify their goals. Candidly discuss your young adult’s reasons for moving back and help them come up with goals they’ll be working to achieve while they’re home. Are they (like Haley) back home on a school required break? If so, you’ll want to consider what they need to be able to do to be more successful the next time around. Or did they move back to get some work experience? Or to payoff credit card debt or save up for a down payment on a place of their own? Whatever the reasons for their move back home, help them set measurable goals based on those reasons.

• Talk about rent. There’s nothing wrong with offering free room and board. But too much dependence on you can create resentment on both sides, so your returning young adult should contribute to the household in some significant way. A recent survey showed that about half the parents with young adults living in their home charge rent. Some parents add or increase the rent by a predetermined amount as time passes. And some charge rent and then return it to the young adult in a lump sum when they move out.

• Settle on chores. Returning young adults should cleanup after themselves and help around the house – whether it’s in addition to rent or instead of it. Make it clear that they’re not guests. To treat them like they are does nothing to nudge them towards independence. So together settle on clear expectations about their responsibilities while they’re living at home. They might be in-charge of making dinner on predetermined nights or doing supper dishes or the laundry or yard work. Whatever it is, it should be significant, and it should be spelled out in detail.

• Negotiate rules. It’s important to discuss and come to an agreement on any issues that affect smooth and happy family functioning. While it’s probably not appropriate to have a curfew for a returning young adult, it is reasonable to ask that they keep you informed of their plans and give you an approximate time when they’ll be home, so you’re not up all night worrying. Other issues that might need to be addressed include overnight guests, drinking, and use of the family car. And don’t forget to talk about the small things that can drive you crazy – things like how long they can leave their clothes in the dryer or dirty dishes in the sink.

The BottomLine

The theme that tied all tonight’s action together – flipping the house, turning a field into a baseball diamond, and getting Haley launched in a new job – was “your family has your back.” While there is more than one version of this saying’s origin, my favorite version involves ancient battles. When the battle got bad, each man would fight against his most trusted comrade’s back to cover what the other could not see.

And this is exactly the kind of partnership we parents should strive to have with our young adults. They still need us to be close to them. But it needs to be a different kind of closeness. When Haley complained Mom, I’m not twelve! in the breakfast scene, she was reminding Claire of this fact.

In the spirit of helping them grow up, we can’t continue in the same relationships that worked when they were younger. If we continue to offer unsolicited advice, they’ll not learn how to make good decisions for themselves. If we resume making their beds, doing their laundry, and paying their bills, we’re not allowing them to become and feel self-sufficient. Over the long haul this can damage their self-confidence and self-esteem. Plus this comfy lifestyle can mean that they never want to move out.

Our goal as parents should be the same as that shared by the comrades who had each other’s back on the battlefield. That is, we should only do for our young adults what they cannot do for themselves. This ought to be our goal no matter where they live. It’s just harder to achieve when they’re back at home and living right under our nose.

Flipping the Frame: From My Life as a Parent

I wasn’t quite this savvy several years ago when my son returned home after being away at college. Many of the things I’ve suggested above are things I wished that I’d done. We did set a move out date though. And because we wanted to send a clear message that this was his last launching, we asked that he not only pack the things he was taking with him as he returned to college but to also pack up the things he was leaving behind. We told him that his bedroom was going to be used for something else. The movie “Failure to Launch” had just been released, so we teased that we might turn the room into his dad’s naked room as the parents in that movie did when their son finally moved out. But in reality our son’s former room became a guest room that he and others used when they came to visit.

Flipping the Frame: Your Parenting Experiences

• What message do you think Claire and Phil’s anxious hovering sent Haley? What did they say or do that might have unintentionally undermined Haley’s belief in her ability to handle the responsibilities of her new job?

• How might the breakfast scene in the Dunphy household have gone better? What specifically could Claire and Phil have done to be supportive without sliding back into takeover mode?

• Did that breakfast scene have a familiar ring? Do you sometimes find yourself being more controlling than you meant to be with your older teen or young adult? What kinds of things trigger that micromanaging instinct for you?

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