Roxane Lehmann, Ph.D.

I had just begun working on this post last Friday when my phone chimed with the horrific news alert from Newtown, Connecticut. Throughout the day, unspeakable updates kept trickling in. In these following days as the media is abuzz with additional information about the tragedy, we can help our teens and younger children by making a point to be available. We can let them guide our discussions with them by asking what questions and what concerns they have. We can help bring some balance to the violence by talking with them about the many, many helpers who responded to this tragedy with love, care, and bravery. By reminding our children that the world has lots of good people in it, even though a few people do terrible things, we can offer reassurance without giving false assurance.

Of course, with this heartbreak, we parents ache for the moms and dads of those twenty young children. We feel a natural urge to hold our own children of all ages a little closer. Yet holding our teens close – now in the aftermath of a tragedy and on a regular basis – is more difficult than when they were younger. As much as we parents might like to maintain the relationships that seemed to work so well during the first twelve years of their lives, our teens insist that things be different. In the spirit of growing up and developing their own identity, our teens demand more privacy and less physical closeness. This can be particularly true during early adolescence.

It helps if we remember that the diminished feeling of closeness is likely not rooted in a serious loss of love or respect between our teens and us. In fact, research suggests that the distancing effect of adolescence is temporary and that relationships can become less strained during late adolescence.

Here are some hints to help you create fun and connections with your teen. Consider adding some of these to your routine as you get set to launch on the new year:

• Make time to stop by your teen’s room just to chat and listen. Make it a habit to knock before going into their room.
• Pay them a genuine compliment – at least once a day.
• Notice when they enter the house or the room and greet them.
• Plan a menu and cook a favorite meal together.
• Ask for their help on a project.
• Go to a movie together, and do dessert afterwards to talk about it.
• Do a physical activity together such as hiking, biking, or skating. Invite one of their friends and the friend’s parent to join you.
• Read the same book and then offer to take them to lunch to talk about it.
• Choose a weekly show as “your show” to watch together.
• Strive to have 5 positive interactions with your teen for every 1 negative interaction.

Be assured that your connectedness to your teen matters. Research confirms that your connectedness gives your teen self-assurance, adding to their ability to withstand stress and negative influences. Your connectedness helps them develop reasoning skills. And it makes your teen more open to your influence and more likely to have values similar to yours.

Examples of research mentioned above: Collins & Laursen, 2004; Mounts, 2002

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Why Is Manny Dragging His Feet?

Season 4, Episode 9

The Framework

Tonight both thirteen-year-old Manny and his stepfather Jay attend a kid’s Olympic-themed birthday celebration. And it appears that the party may have pushed them both outside their comfort zones.

As soon as Jay arrives at the party, it’s clear he’d rather be somewhere else. This man who is so at ease in his own home, is obviously uncomfortable here. He wants to fit in with the other dads who’ve accompanied their kids to the party. But as he’s introduced he gets J-Loed, and it quickly becomes apparent that he doesn’t have a lot in common with this crowd of younger, cooler??? men.

Manny too would rather be somewhere other than the party. Early in the episode he drags his feet about going:

Jay: Manny, while we’re young!

Gloria: He doesn’t want to go. That’s why he’s taking so long with the primping.

Jay: A boy his age should do exactly zero primping.

Jay (as Manny comes down the stairs): You ready?

Manny: Not in the least.

Now perhaps Manny is reluctant to go because he, like Jay, is anxious about fitting in with a new crowd – a crowd of more athletic and popular peers. But I’m not convinced that it’s Manny’s fear about stepping out of his comfort zone that is causing him to drag his feet.

Because when I heard him describe the party this way:

This kid in my class, Doug Brooks, has a sports-themed party every year. All boys. All sports. All day. He calls it the Doug-lyimpics – which might make sense if he did it every four years. Or if his name was Al… Let’s just say that nothing about this party works.

And explain why he got invited like this:

I think he only invites me because he likes to match skin color to nation. I know that’s why Allan Yang gets invited.

… It made me think that perhaps something else was behind his reluctance to go.

Manny went to the party because his parents urged – even expected – him to go:

Gloria: It’s a beautiful day outside. Go and enjoy yourself at Doug-lympics.

Jay: Okay we get it; sports isn’t your thing. But you’ve got to step out of your comfort zone sometime… You don’t have to win a medal. Just have fun.

And although Jay has “diagnosed” Manny’s foot dragging as a comfort zone issue, I think it’s more likely that this precocious and self-confident (although different) kid was dragging his feet because he simply preferred not to go.

Flipping the Frame: My Notes

Everyone has a comfort zone. And these have been stretched and expanded throughout our lives. This is the nature of learning for all of us – whether it’s learning a new game, acquiring a new math skill, or trying to fit in with a new group of peers.

We feel calm and confident when we’re doing something in our comfort zone. But the stretching process that takes place when we do any kind of new learning causes us to become hesitant and doubtful. And if we become overwhelmed with uncertainty, all kinds of excuses and rationalizations will pop into our heads. We’ll sound like Jay as his comfort zone was being stretched at the birthday party tonight:

Ahhh… I don’t really know anyone… I’m supposed to be at the club in a few moments… I’ll see you later.

If, however, we manage to get through the hesitation and doubt, we’ll succeed in expanding our comfort zone to include a new skill.

This uncomfortable stretching is what learning is all about. It’s what our kids face on a daily basis – not just in the classroom, but in the hallway and lunchroom too as they try to fit in with their peers. And because teens count on their peers to assure them they’re okay and because their social connections help them define who they are as an individual, fitting in is important.

But while it’s important, the shaky nature of teens’ social lives makes the process of fitting in complicated for most kids. And fitting in can be particularly difficult for a teen who has been typecast as different and on the fringe. So we parents worry if our teen doesn’t seem to be accepted by their peer group and wonder how we can tell if their friendship patterns are cause for concern.

Because there are so many variables, it’s difficult to say what level of peer interaction is normal. If social interactions are distressing your teen or if they see their difference as a flaw, they may need help with socialization issues. However, if they seem to feel okay about themselves and have one or two close friends who they enjoy being with, don’t be too quick to jump in and try to fix things. Your teen’s friendship patterns may have a different meaning for them than for you. They may simply prefer to spend time alone.

Regardless of your teens’ level of social savvy, you can help them feel comfortable with who they are and feel more at ease when interacting with others by:

• Listening to them and empathizing with them if they feel bad about being different instead of trying to talk them out of their feelings.

• Accepting and affirming your teen’s positive differences and telling them often what you admire and appreciate about them.

• Valuing their interests even if you don’t share them and by letting them see the excitement they feel when pursuing their interests mirrored in your eyes.

• Floating some tips by your teen on how to meet people and make friends…

– Making sure your teen realizes that other people – including kids – like to know that their ideas are being listened to and valued.

– Reminding your teen that they can let other kids know that they’re paying attention by making eye contact while other kids are talking and by asking a question or two about what they’ve said.

– Mentioning to your teen that when they let other kids know that they think they’re entertaining and funny, it makes those kids feel good. Plus it indicates that your teen has a sense of humor – one of the top assets teens look for in a friend.

The BottomLine

Some of the most intelligent, creative, and mature teens I’ve met are typecast as different and on the fringe. Sometimes their peers rebuff them. But more often than not, they sense that they’re different, are comfortable with it, and would rather not join the crowd because they’ve learned that they rarely get much meaningful from the interactions.

So it’s wise to remember that while we all want our teens to feel accepted, not all kids who have trouble fitting in during adolescence have a problem. In fact, these are the kids who often grow up to be future leaders. As school smart Alex quipped to her older and more socially savvy sister Haley in an earlier season episode: You have your fans. I have mine. Someday your fans are going to work for my fans.

Flipping the Frame: Your Parenting Experiences

• What do you think? Was Manny dragging his feet because he was out of his comfort zone or did he simply prefer not to go? How did you reach your conclusion?

• Think of the times when you could tell that your teen was out of their comfort zone. What did they look and sound like?

• Our teens need us to stay connected with them so that we can support them when they’re stretching their comfort zones. But knowing how is as much an art as a science. Mostly by trial and error, I learned that one of my teens benefitted from my clear direction and reassuring yet firm insistence while my other teen benefitted more from my quiet presence and gentle undergirding. What do you do that seems to help your teen when their comfort zone is being stretched?

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