Roxane Lehmann, Ph.D.

I had just begun working on this post last Friday when my phone chimed with the horrific news alert from Newtown, Connecticut. Throughout the day, unspeakable updates kept trickling in. In these following days as the media is abuzz with additional information about the tragedy, we can help our teens and younger children by making a point to be available. We can let them guide our discussions with them by asking what questions and what concerns they have. We can help bring some balance to the violence by talking with them about the many, many helpers who responded to this tragedy with love, care, and bravery. By reminding our children that the world has lots of good people in it, even though a few people do terrible things, we can offer reassurance without giving false assurance.

Of course, with this heartbreak, we parents ache for the moms and dads of those twenty young children. We feel a natural urge to hold our own children of all ages a little closer. Yet holding our teens close – now in the aftermath of a tragedy and on a regular basis – is more difficult than when they were younger. As much as we parents might like to maintain the relationships that seemed to work so well during the first twelve years of their lives, our teens insist that things be different. In the spirit of growing up and developing their own identity, our teens demand more privacy and less physical closeness. This can be particularly true during early adolescence.

It helps if we remember that the diminished feeling of closeness is likely not rooted in a serious loss of love or respect between our teens and us. In fact, research suggests that the distancing effect of adolescence is temporary and that relationships can become less strained during late adolescence.

Here are some hints to help you create fun and connections with your teen. Consider adding some of these to your routine as you get set to launch on the new year:

• Make time to stop by your teen’s room just to chat and listen. Make it a habit to knock before going into their room.
• Pay them a genuine compliment – at least once a day.
• Notice when they enter the house or the room and greet them.
• Plan a menu and cook a favorite meal together.
• Ask for their help on a project.
• Go to a movie together, and do dessert afterwards to talk about it.
• Do a physical activity together such as hiking, biking, or skating. Invite one of their friends and the friend’s parent to join you.
• Read the same book and then offer to take them to lunch to talk about it.
• Choose a weekly show as “your show” to watch together.
• Strive to have 5 positive interactions with your teen for every 1 negative interaction.

Be assured that your connectedness to your teen matters. Research confirms that your connectedness gives your teen self-assurance, adding to their ability to withstand stress and negative influences. Your connectedness helps them develop reasoning skills. And it makes your teen more open to your influence and more likely to have values similar to yours.

Examples of research mentioned above: Collins & Laursen, 2004; Mounts, 2002

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The last post discussed why teens lie and the importance of teaching our teens about the worth of honesty. But research documenting both the pervasiveness of teen lying as well as the reality that teens lie even though they believe that it is morally wrong makes me think that our teens might need something more from us.

Researcher Nancy Darling found that 98% of teens lie to their parents about some things – things such as:
– What they spent their allowance on
– Whether they had started dating
– What clothes they put on away from home
– What movie they went to and with whom
– Their alcohol and drug use
– Hanging out with friends that their parents disapprove of
– Whether chaperones were at a party
– Whether they were in cars driven by drunk teens

While some of these lies are certainly more serious than others, they share one thing in common: They all have to do with teens deceiving their parents so they can do what they want to do.

The other option open to teens as they battle for independence is, of course, arguing. But the research shows that the average teen is much more likely to lie rather than argue about a rule – 244% more likely. Researchers, however, have also found that there is significantly less lying in homes where there is more protesting and arguing.

So you just might need to argue more with your teen.

Now, I have to admit that I did not like arguing with my kids when they were teens. It often left me feeling disconnected from them and inadequate as a mom (not to mention as a debater). Apparently I’m not alone. Researcher Tabitha Holmes, who did extensive interviews with mothers and their teens, found that nearly half of mothers feel that arguments damage their relationship with their teen.

Yet, Holmes found that the vast majority of teens think that fighting can make the relationship with their mother stronger. Teens said they see arguing as a way to get their views heard and as a chance to hear their parents’ perspective. For teens, it’s not how big the fight is or even how many fights that is important. Instead, what matters most to teens is the quality of the disputes and how they are resolved.

I never learned to like arguing with my teens, but I did find that when I changed how I thought about our arguments – when I began thinking of them as a chance to model how to communicate when you disagree – things went much better. And when I took a couple minutes to think about what I wanted most – for myself, for my teen, and for our relationship – before jumping into the fray, sometimes these disputes even left me feeling more connected to my teens.

Arguments can strengthen your relationship with your teen if:

– You calmly listen to them, acknowledging when they make a good point.

– You take their interests and perspectives into account before making a decision, and you sometimes budge a bit, letting them use responsibility to negotiate to “yes.”

For example, a teen asking for a later curfew might get to “yes” with “If you let me stay out 30 minutes later, I’ll text you at my regular curfew time just to check-in. How about if we try that for a month before you make a final decision?”

– When saying “no,” you have good reasons for denying their requests and take the time to explain your decision.

Battling for independence is at the top of the teen agenda. By giving our teens an appropriate avenue for disagreeing and a model for how to do it, we are giving them an acceptable way to stay true to their mission to extend away from us. Doing so can also help us stay true to our mission as parents to stay connected to them so that we can guide them to wiser decisions and safer actions.

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