Roxane Lehmann, Ph.D.

Modern Family: Season 5, Episode 9, The Big Game

Space Matters

The Framework
Tonight’s episode reminds just how much space matters – the space between the letters in graffiti as well as the space between individuals that helps each of us define and protect who we are at our core.

The kids are busy trying on new things and new priorities as they do the work of defining who they are.
Haley is back in school. She seems to be taking it more seriously this time around while putting a little space between herself and Dylan in the process.
Dylan: We should see a midnight movie like old times.
Haley: Oh my God! I’m so in! Ohh… ooh. Could we do it earlier? I have a midterm tomorrow.

Alex is rethinking the status of her social life.
Haley: Wow! You really are invisible, huh?
Alex: I could not be more fine with it.
Haley: You’re like the guy from that movie who wishes he was never born.
Alex: “It’s a Wonderful Life.”
Haley: You say that, but do you mean it?
By the show’s end, it seems that Haley may be on to something here.

Manny is trying on football. Coach Cam wants Manny to be a competitive player but ends up giving Manny a little space to figure out for himself what’s most important. Jay, who seems to have less respect for boundaries, too has hopes for Manny.
Manny: If you’re at the store later, could you pick up some ice? I’m gonna need it after the game.
Jay: My little athlete…
Manny: I want to try out the gelato maker I traded my bike for.
Jay: …Lures me in every time.

And precocious Lily (with a little help from Gloria) is learning some lessons about personal space and boundaries. As her teacher reports: One of the boys, Patrick, said that Lily pushed him down and tried to kiss him.

Meanwhile the adults are dealing with space and boundary issues of their own. Claire is still trying to define who she is at her new job: I want them to see me like a coworker – not somebody who is getting special treatment because she’s the boss’s daughter.
Mitch is letting his boss walk all over him with lines that have a familiar, parental ring. Lines like: You really let me down. And I expected so much more of you.
And Cam shouts I won! I won! I mean, we won! We won! as he struggles to juggle his desire to be the coach his freshman team needs with his own need to be the winningest first year coach in the school’s history:

Flipping the Frame: My Notes
We are all a part of various collectives – including our relationships at home as well as at school or work. But we are also individuals. And having space and boundaries that separate who we are as a person from everyone else helps keep us from becoming resentful, overbearing, or unhealthily dependent on others.

Children’s identities are extensions of their parents. But teens begin to recognize their uniqueness and to develop a sense of self. In fact, this is one of the most important tasks of adolescence. If all goes well, teens emerge from adolescence knowing and trusting themselves and valuing their own attributes. Of course, having an overbearing boss (like Mitch’s), working for a parent (like Claire is), or simply going home for the holidays can sometimes require even the most mature adult to step back and set some limitations to keep their identity intact.

BottomLine
Jay (about Claire): Your own kid, embarrassed to be seen with you. I mean you spend your whole life… (and later to Claire as he holds up a mug with “#1 Dad” inscribed on it): You gave me this. Look how adorable you were.
Claire: I want you to try really hard to hear what I’m saying. When I need your help, I’ll ask for it. Until then, just butt out.
Jay: Well, you’re still my daughter. … You’re the only one I carry home in my arms.

Although our teens are hardly ever this polite as they do it, Claire’s lines capture their sentiment as they push us away to create the space they need to disentangle their identities from ours. And as Jay’s lines attest, it can hurt to be a parent and to be so pointedly pushed away. It can be even more painful as our teens, in the process of extending away, point out what they see as enormous flaws in our mannerisms, our beliefs, and our decisions.

What’s a Mom to Do
Our teen’s job is to differentiate themselves from us and develop their own identity by trying on new things and extending away from us. Our job is to stay connected to them while giving them enough space to do their job. Here are some tips to keep in mind as we do our job:

You can and do make a difference. When our teens declare they are not a little kid anymore and no longer need us, we might respond with a gentle reminder, “I know, but I’m still your mom.” Study after study confirms that parents are a crucial source of information and feedback about relationships, values, decision-making, and consequences of one’s actions. We have more influence than anyone else.

Rather than focusing on all the things in your teen’s life that you’re concerned about, try to focus on the things that you can influence. When we focus on our worries, we tend to lecture, criticize, and blame. This kind of negative messaging diminishes our influence with our teens. On the other hand, when we focus on the things that we can actually do something about, we tend to listen, to be curious and more creative, and to look for ways that we can collaborate – all things that add to our influence with our teens.

To parent well takes some faith in the learning process. Although our influence can and does make an enormous difference, there is a limit to our influence. We now have less knowledge about their lives and less control over their actions than when they were younger. Plus, even when we can intervene, it’s sometimes best to observe watchfully from a distance as our teens experience and learn for themselves. Because sometimes when we stay out of the process, our teens learn more with outcomes that are both better and more long-term.

Your teen’s expressions of dissatisfaction are not a good gauge of the job you’re doing as a parent. Being a parent requires that we take on certain obligations – like setting limits, making rules, offering guidance, and holding our teens accountable. It’s our job to say “no” and to mete out consequences when we need to. So sometimes doing our job well means that our teens will be unhappy with us and our decisions. You can almost guarantee it.

Although they’ll almost never tell you directly, your teen cares deeply about you and your opinions. Especially during tough times or transitions (like second semester senior year), it’s helpful to stay focused on maintaining our connection with our teens. We need to keep reaching out to them and inviting them to do things with us even if they keep turning us down. Because our reaching out strengthens our connection with them. And the stronger our connection, the more influence our opinions will have.

Adolescence is a stage. It’s easy to forget when you’re in the middle of a dispute with your teen, but someday things will be different. As your teen grows-up, your relationship with them will evolve. If you stay connected to them now – despite the hassles and heartache – while giving them the space they need to figure out who they are, chances are good that you’ll feel close again one day. You can almost guarantee it.

Your Parenting Experiences
Tonight Phil’s effort to reach out to his kids is met with little enthusiasm. But he seems unfazed by the rejection.
Phil (to his kids): I’ll see you guys at the game!
Luke: Unph!
Phil: There is no “unph” in “Dunphy!” …Different spelling.

How do these scenes play out at your house?

Sources: Staying Connected to Your Teenager by Michael Riera

---

I'd love to have you become a regular reader. Join my mailing list to be notified by email of new blog posts here. And if you enjoyed this post, please consider sharing it on Facebook below.

Modern Family: Season 5, Episode 6, The Help

The Dunphy Daughters Call to Claire for Help

The Framework
“Help” (some helpful, some not so much, and some way too much) is what tied the plotlines together tonight. Gloria hires a too-good-to-be-true nanny to help out around the house even though Jay and Manny seem dead-set against it. Mitch and Cam hire Pepper to help plan their dream wedding, but Pepper’s dreams are way over-the-top. And over at the Dunphy house, Phil’s recently widowed dad Frank has come for a visit because he’s a bit down-in-the-dumps. But when Phil and Jay try to help cheer him up with a night out on the town, Frank ends up hiring a hooker – by accident.

Meanwhile, Claire is looking for something that’ll help cut down the fighting between the girls.
Claire: Tension between Haley and Alex has been getting pretty high. So our solution was to move Haley down to the basement – which we were just about to do.
Phil: When my dad came out for a weekend visit.
Claire: Two weekends ago.

Claire is right to be concerned. Anger between the sisters is spilling out of their shared bedroom into the rest of the house. It overflows into the kitchen where the rest of the family is trying to enjoy breakfast.
Alex: You’re ruining my life!
Phil: These eggs are delicious.
Haley: What life?! Get out of my room!!
Claire: I put milk in them.
Alex: It’s not your room anymore!!
Luke: Well they sure are fluffy.
Haley: Mom!!!
Claire: I’m just going to go stand out in the yard.
Haley: Seriously, get out!!!
Alex: I told you it’s not your room.

Later the girl’s outbursts continue with this.
Haley: Gross!!! Those are my socks!!
Alex: They are not! Mom!!
Claire: I’m just going to pop outside.
Phil: I should get her a rake.

And this.
Haley: Mom! I’m going to throw-up! Alex’s hair smells like cheese.
Alex: It is not cheese!!! It is cruelty free, organic shampoo with traces of churned goats’ milk!
Haley: So cheese! (taking a whiff and then holding her nose) Ugh!!! I need a bucket!!!

Flipping the Frame: My Notes
It’s a given. Siblings will fight with each other. That’s just what they do.

The best way to keep brothers and sisters from fighting is to space them at least four years a part. Obviously, there’s nothing that can be done about this now, but it’s true. Siblings close in age (like Haley and Alex) fight more, and the fights seem to intensify as soon as the youngest becomes a teen. This is so for a gazillion reasons – competition, jealousy, differences in temperament all lead to clashes.

It drives us crazy to hear two kids we love acting so hateful to each other. So we often wade into the middle of the fight to try to stop it with something like this: “Each of you tell me, one at a time, what happened.” The problem is that the minute we step in, the issue totally changes. No matter what the original battle was about, it now becomes a competition to see who can win us to their side. And if we begin to arbitrate like a judge, we promote case pleading on both sides that can be endless. Plus the more often we step in, the more likely our kids are to call for our help – just like Haley and Alex did tonight in each of their squabbles.

What’s a Mom to Do
Usually our kids can resolve their issues in their own way. Their screaming might drive us crazy, but as long as there’s no threat of physical violence or emotional abuse, we can often facilitate this best by staying out of the way. (Claire, thanks for modeling this for us tonight. You were wise to step outside instead of stepping into your daughters’ fights.)

Sometimes, though, the fighting intensifies to the point that we have to step in. Below are some tips for stepping into the fray when you can’t ignore it.

– Separate them. Send the fighters to their own corners for a cooling off period – their own bedrooms or opposite corners of the house will do. Sometimes the space and time apart seems to be all that is needed. But separating them teaches them nothing, so if we want lasting results, we’ll often need to do more.
– Reconvene with them. When things have calmed down, direct the warring parties to another neutral place – for example, the kitchen table. Sit down with them, and listen to both sides without trying to judge who’s right and who’s wrong. Try instead to clarify the problem: “It sounds like you’re mad at Alex because you think she took your socks.” Ask both kids to offer a solution that might work for everybody involved. If they can’t come up with any ideas, suggest a solution. For example, if the teens are fighting over whose clothes belong to whom, you might suggest that they keep their things separate by always hanging them up or putting them in drawers when they’re not being worn. Each might also be responsible for doing their own laundry to further minimize the mix-up.
– Reinforce the family rules. Before you all get up from the table, remind your teens of the rules for fighting fairly. For starters, this should include that nothing physical is allowed – no hitting, pushing, shoving, or hair pulling. No damaging each other’s things. And no name-calling. This is also a good opportunity to ask for your teens’ input on these rules and how they’re enforced.

The BottomLine:
Claire (to the hooker she mistakes for a therapist): I’m just at my wit’s end with these two. (Hopeful) I don’t expect you have any experience with teenagers?

It’s not always the intensity of our kids’ fights that drives us crazy. Sometimes it’s the sheer number of the clashes that give us battle fatigue.

To reduce future fighting…
– Try to be evenhanded. Teens are especially quick to pick-up on preferential treatment. Although our teens may protest whenever they feel slighted, we’re wise not to try to prove them wrong. Because we can’t. In almost every family there’s going to be one child who needs more of something – our time, or attention, or resources. So rather than trying to treat our kids all the same, it’s better to assure our kids that we’ll try to always do our best to give them each what they need.
– Hold family meetings. Get together once a week as a family to give everyone a chance to air grievances and work out solutions together. This is also a good time to praise any negotiating or compromising you’ve noticed during the week. Reinforcing their positive behavior – perhaps even with a tangible reward sometimes – can help with future battles.
– Make time for one-on-ones. It’s never easy to find time alone with each child – and it can be especially difficult in large families. But our kids tend to resent each other less (and squabble less) when they feel that we value them as individuals. When we regularly make time to give each child our undivided attention – with special excursions or a few minutes on a daily bases – we are valuing their individuality and letting them know how important each relationship is to us.
– Model fair fights. Our highest form of influence in our kids’ lives is our day-to-day modeling. And our kids learn a lot about how to deal with disputes by watching and listening to us resolve issues with our spouse. So it’s important that we get it right. (Click here to read more about this in last week’s post. Claire, you too!)

Your Parenting Experiences
Some fights are easier than others for our kids to resolve on their own. What issues tend to require you to step in when your teens squabble?

Sources: Get Out of My Life by Anthony Wolf and webmd.com/parenting

---

I'd love to have you become a regular reader. Join my mailing list to be notified by email of new blog posts here. And if you enjoyed this post, please consider sharing it on Facebook below.