Roxane Lehmann, Ph.D.

Modern Family: Season 6, Episode 15, Fight or Flight

Manny Throws a Punch

The Framework
There is a lot of leaping to conclusions tonight on “Modern Family” with a flight or a fight hot on the heels of most of the leaps. For Manny, the leap was of his own making. But the fight began like this.
Manny: Mom, do I have a fever?
Gloria (kissing Manny’s forehead): Let me check.
Jay: You know we have a thermometer.
Gloria (to Jay): Why do you have to be so white all the time? … He’s pretending to be sick so he doesn’t have to go to his cooking class.
Jay: He has to go! Today is lasagna. I’ve been starving myself all day for that.
Gloria: He doesn’t want to go because there is a boy there who is picking on him.
Jay: At cooking class? You know, we’re running out of places to send him where he can be cool.
Gloria: I know … You have to teach him how to fight.
Jay: The kid is not a fighter. He gets squeamish pounding veal.
Gloria: Just do it!
Jay: Fine. But I’m only doing it for the lasagna.

True to his word (and his rumbling stomach), Jay shows Manny how to punch.
Jay: Really let one go this time. Think about how mad this guy makes you. What’s his name?
Manny: Gideon.
Jay: Oh, geez. All right, think about what he did to you.
Manny: I’d rather not talk about it … I’m done. I’m not fighting anymore. It’s not worth it.
Jay: But you’re doing so good. You just have to turn your shoulder first so you can throw your weight behind your punch … Come on kid! Show ‘em who’s boss.

Later Jay drives Manny to cooking class. And as Manny gets out of the car, there’s this.
Gideon: Hey, Delgado! Manny, I’m talking to you! (Then holding up a pie), you want a piece of this?

With that, Manny punches Gideon just as Jay taught him to do.
Gideon: Ow! What was that for?!
Manny (looking at his fist): Looks like I gave you a piece of this.
Gideon: I was just offering you some apple crumble. I felt bad about teasing you … My therapist said I was acting out because of my parents’ divorce. So I was trying to be nice.

Flipping the Frame: My Notes
Manny thought the kid in his cooking class was a bully, and his initial response was to skip class. But with some goading and coaching from Gloria and Jay, Manny switched from flight to fight mode.

Fight or flight is an instinct leftover from our cavemen ancestors. Smart cave dwellers figured out that when a big, hungry beast approached, they needed to react right away – by either overwhelming the beast or running for safety. Over millions of years, those with the best fight-or-flight skills survived.

Thanks to the process of natural selection, we’ve all inherited an incredible nervous system that automatically gets our bodies ready to battle or run whenever we feel threatened. In contrast, caring and compassion are learned behaviors. Although research in human development shows that the capacity for kindness is present early in life, kids need help throughout their growing-up years to nurture caring behaviors into full development. And a new study indicates that parents need to do more.

Harvard researchers recently surveyed 10,000 middle and high school students around the country about which of three things they thought their parents cared about most: 1) that they achieve at a high level, 2) that they feel happy most of the time, or 3) that they care for others. Almost 80% of the teens surveyed picked high achievement or happiness as the thing their parents cared about most, while roughly 20% ranked caring for others first.

Teens’ own responses about what matters most were virtually the same as what they believed their parents valued most. The researchers summed things up this way: “Some kids made it quite clear that their self-interest is most important: If you are not happy, life is nothing. After that, you want to do well. And after that expend any excess energy on others.”

At first glance, it doesn’t seem that putting personal happiness and success before caring for others is such a big deal. But there is a downside to it. Teens who are mostly looking out only for themselves – and who view their peers as doing likewise – are at greater risk of harmful behavior, including being cruel and disrespectful.

BottomLine
Jay (as he drops Manny off at cooking class): Now remember, what did I teach you?
Manny: Violence solves everything, and don’t wind my fist up like Popeye.
Jay: It’s not violence. It’s self-defense. Now you walk in there like a bad-ass, and you make the best damn lasagna anybody’s ever seen.

Most parents say that raising children who care about others is a top priority. Moreover, when surveyed, parents rank caring for others as more important than their children’s achievement. But our kids aren’t getting the message. In fact, in the Harvard survey, teens were three times more likely to agree than disagree with this statement: “My parents are prouder if I get good grades in my classes than if I’m a caring community member in class and school.”

Most of us aren’t as literal as Gloria and Jay about encouraging our kids to fight for their own self-interest. Still it seems that our focus on our kids’ happiness and our daily messaging to them about achievement are drowning out our messages about being concerned about others and caring for them.

And here’s the ironic thing: Recent research indicates that parents’ focus on happiness and their intense pressure for high achievement doesn’t appear to increase their kids’ happiness or their achievement. At least not in affluent communities. Plus parents who try to ensure their kids’ immediate happiness by constantly protecting them from any kind of struggle can prevent them from developing coping skills that are crucial for long-term happiness.

What’s a Mom to Do
Below are some guidelines and tips for raising caring, respectful kids from Harvard’s “Making Caring Common Project.”

Work to develop caring relationships with your kids. Our kids learn to be kind when they are treated that way. When they feel loved, they become connected to us and that connection makes them more receptive to our values.
– Spend regular time together. Consider building one-on-one time with each of your kids into your monthly schedule rather than leaving it to chance.

– Make your conversations meaningful. Take advantage of the time you have with your kids to talk about things that bring out thoughts and feelings. Try asking (and sharing your answers) to questions such as, “What was something you learned today – in school or out – that surprised you?” or “What’s something nice someone did for you today?” or “What’s something nice you did?”

Make caring for others a priority. A big part of this is holding high expectations for our kids when it comes to honoring their commitments, doing the right thing (even when it’s hard), and insisting that they are respectful (even when other kids aren’t acting that way).
– Send a clear message. Consider your daily messaging to your kids about the importance of caring. Instead of saying, “The most important thing is that you’re happy,” or “The most important thing is that you work hard,” you might add caring about others to the front of your message saying, “The most important thing is that you’re kind and …

– Prioritize caring when you talk with your kids’ teachers and coaches. When you ask about your kid’s skills, grades, or performance, also ask about whether they are a good class member or team player.

– Encourage your kids to “work it out.” If your child wants to quit a team or other group activity, encourage them to consider their obligation to the group and to try to work out problems before throwing in the towel.

Give your kids opportunities to practice being caring and grateful. Developing these traits is a lot like learning to play a sport or an instrument. Daily repetition – whether it’s being nice to a new student in their class or helping their friend with homework or regularly reflecting on what they appreciate – will help build our kids’ capacity to be caring and grateful and make these attributes second nature.
– Praise uncommon acts of kindness. Expect your kids to routinely help with home chores, and save your praise for uncommon acts of kindness. When routine responsibilities are simply expected and not spotlighted or rewarded, they are more likely to become ingrained.

– Express thanks. Encourage your kids to express gratitude to family members, teachers, coaches and others who contribute to their lives. Consider making expressing gratitude a daily ritual – perhaps at the dinner table or at bedtime.

At the end of tonight’s episode there’s this as Jay and Manny return home.
Gloria: Manny, why are you home so early? (Then turning to Jay), did you let him skip school?
Manny: No, Mom. I was kicked out for punching a really misunderstood kid – thanks to you …

I wonder if Gloria would have handled things differently tonight if she knew that being more mindful of others could actually make Manny happier and more successful.

Many of us tend to think that being caring, happy, and a high achiever are at odds with each other. But that is not necessarily so. In fact, research in positive psychology emphasizes that authentic happiness comes from connections with others – not just pursuing self-interest. What’s more, empathy has been shown to improve collaboration skills – which are on the shortlist of “21st century literacies,” suggesting that being able to get along with others is necessary for achievement in today’s world.

Your Parenting Experiences
What do you think your kids would say you care about most:
– That they achieve at a high level
– That they feel happy most of the time, or
– That they care for others?

Sources and Resources: Making Caring Common Project. (To read the full report, click here.)

---

I'd love to have you become a regular reader. Join my mailing list to be notified by email of new blog posts here. And if you enjoyed this post, please consider sharing it on Facebook below.

Modern Family: Season 6, Episode 14, Twisted Sister

Phil Falls for Juliana, Then Ditches Her for Claire

The Framework
For tonight’s Valentine’s Day episode, the kids are absent – except for Manny who is witness to the outrageous fighting between Gloria and her visiting sister Sonia over Jay.
Gloria: How dare you try to steal the life I stole from you!

With the kids out of the picture, Sonia and other guest stars liven things up. And the best of the guests is Juliana – played by Claire.

The day starts out with Claire as her typical self.
Claire: Honey, did you remember to give Alex and Luke their lunch money?
Phil: Ma’am, yes, ma’am.
Claire: What about the electrician? Did you give him a check?
Phil: He’s an electrician – he’ll charge us.
Claire (sighing): I’m going to be late for work.
Phil: Yes, I paid him. (Then moving in to kiss Claire), Happy Valentine’s Day, by the way.
Claire: Mmm. No. Gross and sweaty from running.

That evening there’s more typical Claire.
Phil (answering cell phone as he sits alone at a hotel bar): Hey, where are you? I’ve been trying you for 15 minutes.
Claire: I know. We ran late, and then the car wouldn’t start. They said they’re on their way. But who knows. I’m all greasy. Oh, honey, I don’t think I’m gonna make it. Don’t be mad.
Phil: I am mad. You were supposed to be here. This is the one night we set aside for us.
Claire: I know, and I feel terrible. But listen, finish your drink then come on home. Maybe we’ll have a romantic Easter.

But then, as Phil signals for his check, Claire’s alluring Juliana arrives.
Juliana: I understand that your wife has had some car trouble. I wonder how that could have happened (saying this as she puts a sparkplug on the table).
Phil: I must say, Juliana, you’re the last person I expected to see here tonight.
Juliana: Well, with any luck, you’ll be the last person I do see tonight.

And with that Phil and Juliana head for the hotel’s glass elevator, making out as they make their way up to the rooftop where they skinny-dip in the pool while downing champagne straight from the bottle.

Flipping the Frame: My Notes
Claire’s method for spicing things up in her marriage and the way Phil falls for her Juliana persona is laugh-out-loud funny. Claire’s commitment is also an inspiration to all of us exhausted moms – even if it is just for a night.

Parents are warned before their first child is born that having a new baby in the house will likely turn everything upside down – including the romance in their marriages. A similar forewarning should probably be given to parents of teens.

Even the sturdiest relationships can sometimes be undermined by the relentless stress of the adolescent years. After all, there is nothing romantic about anxiously waiting for a teen, who has broken curfew, to get home. And truth be told, most of us moms have spent at least a few Saturday nights like that. In fact, those of us with more difficult teens determined to do things their way, can become so worried and wrapped-up in our teen’s problems – their grades, their friends we don’t approve of, or their rule breaking and risk taking – that we abandon our role as partner to be the watchful, wary parent. Others of us can become so absorbed with our teens’ activities and achievements that we sacrifice our relationship with our spouse to become our teen’s fulltime support team and audience.

But if we let our concern or support for our teen deplete our relationship with our spouse, the whole family loses. We lose the bond with our partner – along with the support and battery-charging that bond brings. And our teen loses the model of a vibrant adult relationship.

BottomLine
Phil: By some cosmic miracle, there’s a woman in the house I still find as sexy and exciting as the first day I met her … I should probably let her know that more often than I do.

Phil is right. Letting Claire know how attractive he finds her and how much he loves her strengthens their relationship. And it strengthens the entire family.

In fact, kids get much of their security from the way their parents treat each other. So the health of the parent team must come first. Strengthening your parent team almost always results in a safer, calmer teen. Even when there have been difficulties, even when there’s been a breaking of that relationship, it’s important that parents remain respectful toward each other. Because like Manny tonight, our teens are carefully watching, evaluating, remembering, and responding to how we interact as a couple.

What’s a Mom to Do
Find time to just hangout with your spouse. Let your kids observe the two of you enjoying conversations that aren’t about them. And let them see you heading out for a fun time together that isn’t focused on their activities.

Kids flourish when the parent bond is strong.

Exhausted as she is, Claire is determined to liven things up as Juliana. But as much as I liked Juliana, my favorite part of tonight’s episode came when Phil ditches her for his wife, sweeping Claire off the porch and into his arms.

Your Parenting Experiences
What is something you could do on a regular basis to show your spouse how much you love them? It might be something as simple as making their favorite dinner, or letting them pick the movie you’re going to go see together, or buying flowers for their bedside table…

Sources and Resources: The Seven Habits of Highly Effective Families by Steven R. Covey; Raising Teens Without Ruining Your Marriage by Suzanne Phillips, Psy. D.; Yes, Your Teen is Crazy by Michael J. Bradley, Ed. D.

---

I'd love to have you become a regular reader. Join my mailing list to be notified by email of new blog posts here. And if you enjoyed this post, please consider sharing it on Facebook below.