Roxane Lehmann, Ph.D.

Modern Family: Season 7, Episode 15, I Don’t Know How She Does It

Plotline: Who is Minding Luke?

Tonight Claire and Phil work to hold down their parental responsibilities and their jobs. Phil notes that he’s been doing this for a long time: I’ve been juggling family and work for 22 years – just juggling for 30. And he wonders how Claire has managed to master it all so quickly.

In spite of her new position as boss of her dad’s company, Claire still manages to pack the kids’ lunches, pick up their clothes from the laundry, and buy presents for their friends. She even whips-up homemade ice cream for the family and cupcakes for a bake sale. By the end we see that she’s actually focusing on her new job at work while a guy from marketing is handling things at home.
Claire (lamenting): I’m so damn busy trying to be the perfect mom and the perfect boss, but I’m outsourcing the one job that means the most to me, and I really miss it.
I miss being a mom.

Meanwhile, Luke continues to go in the wrong direction. A few months back he got caught drinking with his buddies. Weeks later he took the family car without permission or a driver’s license. And tonight he takes a couple more wrong turns: skipping school and downloading a picture of a naked girl.

Guidelines:
Claire and Phil are focused on doing things for their kids – tasks that, frankly, the kids should mostly be doing for themselves by now. And with both parents busy doing things that aren’t really their responsibility any more, they miss something important that is. They’re not paying enough attention to what Luke is up to.

Claire and Phil need to be doing more parental monitoring of Luke’s activities and behavior. This isn’t about prying and spying. Instead, it’s about 1) the rules parents have for their teen’s behavior, 2) the actions they take to keep track of their teen, and 3) and the way they respond when their teen breaks the agreed upon rules.

You are monitoring your teen when you…

Make and discuss your rules with your teen.
– Keep your rules simple. For example: Be safe. Be in contact. Be respectful. (Click here for more about these three simple rules.)
– Talk with your teen about your rules and winning their cooperation for following the rules by talking about what’s in it for them.

Keep track of your teen.
– Talk with your teen about their plans with their friends – where they’re going and what they’re going to do. If they’re going to a friend’s house, ask if a parent will be present.
– Set expectations that your teen is to keep you informed, calling you if their plans change or if they’re going to be late.
– Make sure your teen knows how to reach you at all times.
– Pay attention to how your teen spends money.
– Keep track of how your teen spends time online, and discuss Internet safety. (You can read more about that here.)
– Get to know your teen’s friends – especially their boyfriend or girlfriend. And get to know the parents of your teen’s friends.
– Pay attention to your teen’s behavior and mood at home; if you see anything that concerns you, discuss it.
– Talk with your teen’s teachers, aunts, uncles, and other adults who know your teen. Ask them to share what they’ve observed about your teen’s mood, their behavior, and their friends.

Respond when your teen breaks the rules.
– Give consequences that fit the infraction and make sense to your teen.
– Give your teen the support they need to learn from their mistakes.
– Define a way for your teen to re-earn your trust.
– Work to mend any frayed connections with your teen. You can still do fun things together while keeping the consequences in place.
(Click here for more about how to give consequences that work.)

Connecting Lines:
Your connectedness to your teen matters! In fact, a growing body of research indicates that all parental efforts to monitor teen behavior are much more effective and efficient when parents are connected to their teens.

Plus as our kids get older, they will be making more and more decisions when we’re not around to monitor them. This means that our power is increasingly in our influence. And if we let monitoring become the main focus of our relationships with our teens, we won’t have the influence we hope to have.

So try to spend as much time on your connection with your teen as you do on making and enforcing rules. The closeness and fun you share with your teen helps recharge your parenting batteries. And this in itself will help promote connection between the two of you.

Below are some ways to show your teen that they’re valued and cared about. Consider adding some of these to your routine.
– Make time to stop by your teen’s room just to chat and listen. Make it a habit to knock before going into their room.
– Note what they’re doing well and pay them a genuine compliment at least once a day.
– Text them to offer encouragement before tests and games or just out of the blue to let them know you’re thinking about them.
– Plan a menu and cook a favorite meal together.
– Notice when they enter the house or the room and greet them.
– Ask for their help on a project.
– Go to a movie together, and do dessert afterwards to talk about it.
– Do a physical activity together such as hiking, biking, or skating. Invite one of their friends and the friend’s parent to join you.
– Read the same book and then offer to take them to lunch to talk about it.
– Choose a weekly show as “your show” to watch together.
– Strive to have 5 positive interactions with your teen for every 1 negative interaction.

Resources: Monitoring Your Teen’s Activities: What Parents and Families Should Know from the CDC’s Division of Adolescent and School Health, “Consequences of Parenting on Adolescent Outcomes” in online journal Societies, Staying Connected to Your Teenager by Mike Riera

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Modern Family: Season 7, Episode 11, Spread Your Wings

Plotline: Alex Spreads Her Wings

Tonight Phil goes to visit Alex at Caltech just before her first semester away at college wraps-up. He is beyond excited to have been invited.
Phil: I’m going to see Alex! I’m a little nervous because she’s been pulling away lately. Calls don’t get returned. I don’t get asked to visit as much.

But shortly after Phil arrives on campus, Alex opens up to him.
Alex: I want to move back home and commute to school next semester.
Phil: Wow. Really? Did something happen?
Alex: No, it’s just the people here are all so immature. They are always banging on your door with a beaker full of margaritas, and the nerd noise is deafening. Did you bring those noise-canceling headphones I asked mom for?

As Phil is promising to pick-up some headphones and drop them by her dorm room, a co-ed dressed in a ball gown comes up the street behind them.
Co-ed: (handing Alex a flier): Cannon Ball tonight. Don’t miss it!
Phil: What’s that about?
Alex: Oh, it’s just some stupid tradition where, at the end of the semester, all the freshmen jump off a high dive in cheesy prom dresses.
Phil: That could be fun.
Alex: It definitely won’t be.
Phil: Well, maybe if you give it a chance…
Alex: No. You know what, Dad? I did. I’ve already been to like 10 parties, and they’re all lame. Everyone just talks to their own dorm mate.
Phil: Sweetie, sometimes it takes a while to warm up to people.
Alex: What is this about? Do you not want me to come home? Is that what this is?! Because, fine, I’ll just go get an apartment off campus!
Phil: Alex, don’t get mad.
Alex: Well, I am mad! Because I’m actually smart enough to know what’s working for me and what isn’t! And this isn’t! I have to go to class.

Guidelines:
It’s part of a teen’s agenda to separate from their parents – especially as they spread their wings and takeoff for college. And as Phil learns tonight, we parents have to honor our teen’s agenda to maintain our relationship with them.

Yet being a parent means that we’ve had enough experience to have some wisdom worth sharing with our teens. Phil is a good case in point. This father, who has spent most of his life trying to fit in, realizes that his daughter is feeling left out at college, that she longs to be a part of it all but doesn’t know how. And his years of experience have taught him that fitting in requires that you put yourself out there and give others a chance to let you in.

Phil’s first go at sharing his wisdom sounds a lot like a lecture. And Alex rejects his advice out of hand. That’s no big surprise. When kids are younger, lectures often work well for sharing our wisdom. Even if they’re in trouble for misbehaving, they listen to what we have to say. But lecturing doesn’t work as well for imparting advice to teens. To take our advice makes our teens feel dependent on us just when they’re trying to get us to see them as independent.

After Alex stomps off to class, Phil decides to change course. Later we see him go to Alex’s dorm room and tell her that if she is sure that she has given living on campus her best shot, he believes her. That she can move back home. Then as he leaves he hands her a gift bag, supposedly containing the noise-cancelling headphones she’d asked for. But when Alex looks inside the bag, she finds a cheesy prom dress and goggles – the two things she needs to participate in the Freshman Cannon Ball.

The point is that when his initial advice gets rejected out of hand, Phil doesn’t continue to lecture. He doesn’t try to control by refusing to let Alex move back home or threaten to cut off financial support if she doesn’t take his advice. Instead, he simply makes it easier for her to do what he wants her to do, what his own years of experience of trying to fit in convince him is the right thing for her to do: To give living on campus a little more time.

At the end of the show there are a couple heartwarming moments as Alex in prom dress and goggles jumps into the swimming pool and later as she makes a late-night call to Phil just to chat. This turnaround isn’t just a feel-good (but unrealistic) ending to a TV show. It’s quite plausible when viewed from a teen’s point of view. Because as illogical as it may seem, by allowing herself to be insulted by Phil’s attempts to control her life and by rejecting these attempts out of hand, it freed Alex up so that later she could discover the usefulness of his advice.

Connecting Lines:
Like Alex, our teens need to push for their independence and make some mistakes of their own. They’re biologically set to do this. But as they are extending away from us, they need our input more than ever. Because from our teen’s perspective, our silence on an issue can translate into implied approval.

As we saw tonight, lecturing isn’t usually the best way to impart advice to our teens. At least not on an everyday basis. Instead we can follow Phil’s example. We can look for ways to make it easier for our teens to do the right thing.
– We do this when we have a few simple, clear rules and then pay attention.
– We do this when we regularly stay up to make sure they get home safe, sound, and on time.
– We do this when we make a point of calling before they go to a party to ensure that a parent will be present and that alcohol and drugs will not be allowed.

What other things do you do to make it easier for your teen to make good decisions and more difficult for them to make poor choices?

Sources and Resources: Photo courtesy of ABC, Staying Connected to Your Teenager by Michael Riera, PhD

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