Roxane Lehmann, Ph.D.

Modern Family: Season 6, Episode 24, American Skyper

Even the American Skyper Phil Can’t Solve Everything

The Framework
Tonight Alex graduates from high school. Phil, who can’t make it home from a business trip, is forced to attend the family celebration by a robot on Skype.
Phil: How great is this thing, huh? It’s so convenient. It’s like I’m right there in the room with you guys.

The house is especially full with visitors tonight – including Andy’s girlfriend Beth. And it really does feel as though Phil is right there in the house with them. In fact, practically everyone (except for Jay who shuts him in the bathroom) seeks Phil out to dump their problems on him.

Claire: [I got Alex] a key chain with a picture of me and [her] on her first day of school. I wanted her to have something that reminded her of how much I love her.
But later there’s this.
Claire: Honey, the key chain was a bust. I need something else. Quick.
Phil: Why don’t we just sing that song I wrote her … Good thing I brought my ukulele on the trip.
Claire: Trip! Oh! When Alex was little, I took her for brunch at that cute little Dutch town up north. I-I could take her there again. A trip for just the two of us. It’s perfect.
And then there’s this.
Claire: You’re never gonna believe what my dad did.
Phil: Lock you in the bathroom?
Claire: No. He gave Alex a trip to Europe for her graduation present. There’s no way I can now give her a weekend of Dutch pancake balls after that.

Cam: Phil, I need to talk to you, man to man. I think Mitchell’s having an affair.

Mitchell: We had some budget cuts at the office, and a bunch of us got laid off … I didn’t tell Cam because I was embarrassed, but also because I knew I would get another job like that. But it’s been a month …
Phil: Mitchell, you can talk to me. I’m a realtor.

Andy: Hey, Mr. D. Can we talk? … I’ve been getting some signals from Beth that she wants me to propose. I even have a ring. [But] there’s this other girl, and I feel like I have a serious connection with her, but I just don’t know how she feels.
Phil: It’s natural to wonder about a different path, but if you truly love Beth, you should propose.
Andy: You’re right. I’ll do it. There’s this place she loves by the ocean. I’ll take her there and propose at sunset.

Haley: Hey, Dad, can we talk? … Everyone thinks Beth is so great, but I think she’s crazy. She’s been after me all day … [because] she thinks I’m in love with Andy.
Phil: Are you?
Haley: No. I mean, I care about him. He makes me laugh. I like spending time with him.
Phil: Well, do you think about him when he’s not around?
Haley: I guess. Sometimes, I see something funny and I think, “Oh, Andy would love that. I wish he were here so I could share it with him.”
Phil: Honey, I know I’m just a robot, but that sounds like love to me.

Flipping the Frame: My Notes
Modern Family has just been renewed for another season – which means that the show will have to deal with tonight’s guest of honor going off to college. And Phil gets a lot of practice tonight at the long-distance relationship that will be required.

Of course, there have been other, earlier transitions in kids’ lives – like starting kindergarten and going off to their first summer camp – but no transition is bigger than that of graduating from high school and leaving home for college. And the leaving for college thing is not just a transition for our kids – it’s a transition for us as well.

BottomLine
Alex: Hey, Mom … I wanted to give you a present.
Claire: Me? No. Honey, I want to give you a present. That’s what I’ve been trying to do all day. You are the last person who should give me anything.
Alex: You got me here. You got me to graduation. To Caltech. You did it. And you’re done. … I want you to go to Europe with me.

Truth be told, it’s Phil’s experience tonight – not Claire’s – that better foreshadows the interactions to come as our teens get set to take off for college.

For starters, a soon-to-be college kid’s focus is likely to be outside the family. So don’t count on yours inviting you to tag along to Europe (or anywhere else they happen to be going) this summer. And although you’ll probably invite them to do all kinds of things with you before they leave, they’re likely to say “no” almost every time.

Plus, while Alex assured Claire that she was now “done” at her job as a parent, it’s likely that things couldn’t be further from the truth for most of us moms. In fact, the dumping-on that Phil got tonight should help prepare us for the almost inevitable calls from our distraught teens during their freshman year at college.

What’s a Mom to Do
Here are some ideas to help make the college transition easier on you and your teen.

Invite your soon-to-be college kid to do things with you, but don’t be surprised if they say “no.” Your teen’s focus is likely to be elsewhere this summer. But the extent to which they stretch and extend themselves in healthy ways over this transition time is largely dependent on how connected they feel to home. So invite them to do all kinds of things with you and the rest of the family. But don’t guilt-trip them into doing something they don’t want to do. And don’t let yourself feel hurt when they say “no.” Because then you’ll stop asking just when your teen needs you to reach out more than ever. Instead, be content with knowing that the reaching-out and inviting is what deepens the connection – especially during this huge transition time.

Establish some guidelines for regular communication while they’re away. Before they leave for college, come up with a communication plan that will work best for both of you. Decide together about how often you want to connect, what method you will use to communicate, and what time is best. Many families decide on a once-a-week phone call and set a regular time and day of the week to check-in. Sunday afternoons often work well. These might be FaceTime or Skype calls with the entire family.

In between these scheduled calls, you can keep in-touch by email or texts. But don’t be hurt if the correspondence is one-sided. In fact, it’s best to not expect an immediate reply or any reply to every one. Trust that the connection is being made. Like the invitations to do things together this summer, it’s the overture that counts.

Remind them that you’ll still be there for them if they need help.
When our kids take off for college, we have less oversight than we’ve ever had before. However, we still have lots of influence. And if we create an atmosphere of open communication before they leave, they’re more likely turn to us for guidance if they need help. So set some time aside this summer to discuss your new role and theirs. Below are some talking points to help get the discussion started.
– What choices, decisions or problems do you expect them to handle (at least at first) on their own?
– What decisions do you expect to have input on?
– At what point should your teen ask for help?
– In what situations would your teen want a friend or roommate to call you or the counseling center?

At the end of tonight’s episode as Andy gets set to take Beth for a drive to catch the sunset and propose, Phil tries desperately to get his attention.
Phil: It’s Haley! Haley’s the girl! You love Ha– (no audio) love each other! Where are you going? You guys love each oth– You’re making a huge mistake!

When the audio fails, we’re left dangling with no resolution about whether Haley and Andy will end up together. Perhaps this is just the writers’ way of making sure we tune-in for Season 7. But it’s also true to life. Because in reality, even if we have the most sophisticated telecommunication system available and the best parenting skills possible, we still can’t fix our kids’ problems for them.

This is never truer than when they’re away at college. But we can still be there for them – caring about them, remembering them, listening to them, and influencing them – from a distance.

Your Parenting Experiences
Have you found a particularly good source of advice for launching college kids? One of my all time favorites is The Naked Roommate: And 107 Other Issues You Might Run Into in College by Harlan Cohen. It gives a great behind-the-scenes look at campus life – for college freshman and their parents. No topic is taboo. A new, 6th edition just came out.

Sources and Resources: TransitionYear.org by the Jed Foundation; Staying Connected to Your Teenager by Michael Riera, PhD; The Launching Years by Laura Kastner, PhD and Jennifer Wyatt, PhD; The Naked Roommate by Harlan Cohen

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Modern Family: Season 6, Episode 23, Crying Out Loud

Gloria Gets a Word in Edgewise

The Framework
After almost six seasons, regular watchers of Modern Family understand the relationships among the various characters. Tonight’s episode takes these familiar family dynamics to a new extreme.

Jay has always been reserved about showing emotion when it comes to his kids. But tonight he uses Claire’s picture as a mirror to pluck his nose hairs. Of course, Claire sees this, mistakes it for something else, and dithers over an offer for another job because of it.

Gloria has always been manipulating – especially about Manny’s girlfriends. But tonight, after Manny has his wisdom teeth pulled, she tries to gaslight him into believing his girlfriend never showed up.

Cam has always been uber-emotional. About everything. As Mitch puts it: [Cam] gets so emotional he kind of handles the emotions for the entire house … possibly the entire block. Tonight the dads worry that this might be keeping Lily from developing a sense of empathy.

Phil has always been sentimental when it comes to his kids. Tonight he takes them to an old, abandoned theater he helped build years ago. When they find the kids’ tiny footprints in the cement floor, Phil uses a jackhammer to salvage them for a memento.

Haley and Alex have never gotten along. Tonight with Alex’s departure for college eminent, things between the two come to a head.

But it’s Claire’s attempts to figure out her job dilemma that captured my attention tonight.

First she tries to talk with Mitch.
Claire: So I walked into to Dad’s office, and he is holding a picture of me, looking at it with tears welling in his eyes.
Mitch: Oh, Dad was never that emotional when were growing up.
Claire: I know. That’s what makes this whole thing so hard!
Mitch: Maybe Lily hasn’t learned empathy because she hasn’t seen it from me, you know?
Claire: Could we maybe stay on my problem until the bread comes?
Mitch: I’m sorry. It sounded like you were done.

Then she tries to tell her story to Phil.
Claire: So I walk into his office. He’s looking at a picture of me and he’s crying.
Phil: Your dad?
Claire: Yeah, I couldn’t believe it either.
Phil: This is why I’m glad I show my emotions in front of the girls. I think that’s the reason they’re feeling…
Claire: Phil, could we at least stay on my story until the oven preheats?
Phil: Sorry. I thought you were finished.
Claire: No. Okay, so anyway, I went back later, and it turns out he wasn’t crying, he was plucking his nose hairs.
Phil: I didn’t expect that.
Claire: Yeah, me neither.
Phil: To walk into that theater and see their cute little heads together after they’d been fighting all afternoon.

Flipping the Frame: My Notes
For most of the episode, none of the characters were really listening to each other. Mitch and Phil may have been the clearest culprits tonight, but they weren’t the only ones who were just waiting for a chance to talk.

Truth be told, that’s how most of us communicate most of the time. We listen until what we hear sets off an association in our mind – a question, a problem, or story of our own. We then wait for a pause in the conversation before asking our question or sharing our problem or story. This is how conversation normally flows back and forth.

Truly listening requires that we shift our focus off ourselves and pay full attention to someone else. We then have to process what they said and decide how to respond. This is harder and takes a lot more energy than simply waiting for a chance to talk.

BottomLine
Claire: Is it me? Is it the way that I tell stories? Am I so boring or is everyone in this family that self-involved?

Teens typically are not as reflective as Claire, but most of us have heard our teens complain, “You’re not even listening to me!” Sometimes our teens accuse us of not listening because we don’t agree with what they said or because we won’t change our minds based on what they said. And, of course, these accusations have nothing to do with listening.

But sometimes our teens have a valid complaint. In fact, even if we’re exceptional listeners with our friends, our spouse, our co-workers, and even our younger kids, we’re often not that good at listening to our teens.

Why? Because teens are harder to truly listen to. There are two main reasons for this.

The first reason has to do with timing. Teens tend to pick the most inconvenient times to talk – like when we’re under a deadline or when we’re exhausted and trying to get them (and us) headed toward bed.

The second reason has to do with topic. If the conversation involves a disagreement, we tend to listen with our minds made up. Once we’ve made up our mind, we focus on what we’re going to say next instead of on what our teen is saying now. And it’s even more difficult to listen when our teens are talking about things that make us anxious – a clash with a teacher or coach, a poor grade on a test, a concern about a close friend. We immediately see all the potential for trouble down the road and feel we must intervene – to tell them what to do or we scold them for getting into such a mess. In fact, we often jump-in without even making a conscious decision to interrupt at all.

But as hard as it sometimes is to give our teens a good listen, the quality of our relationships with them hinges on our ability to do just that.

– Listening is the most effective way to show your teen that you care about them and are committed to them.

– Listening affirms your teen. If you can open up your mind and listen without judgment – even when what you’re listening to sounds crazy – you’re showing respect for your teen’s right to have ideas of their own. And this helps your teen feel like they’re respected too.

– Listening is the best window into your teen’s external and internal life. The more you can encourage your teen to talk, the more you get to know about them.

– Listening can increase compliance. Sometimes giving your teen’s plans a full hearing and patiently listening to their objections will yield more cooperation. It tells your teen that you’re open to their input and that you can be convinced if they make a strong case that addresses all your concerns.

– Listening gives teens practice in speaking-up – to share their feelings, ask questions, and standing-up for what they believe.

– And perhaps most surprising, listening will help your teen listen to you. In fact only after teens have clarified their own thinking and believe that you’ve listened and understood their ideas, can they give your ideas a fair hearing.

What’s a Mom to Do
There’s a huge upside to listening to our teens. But it takes a lot of energy. Below are a couple suggestions to help you make the most of your limited supply of energy.

Be available when your teen needs to talk. Our teen’s readiness to talk rarely coincides with our readiness to listen. It’s tempting to say, “Let’s talk later.” But teens tend to share their most important self-disclosures spontaneously – when their mood and the moment feel right to them. When the mood passes, the momentary window into their lives closes. When a teen says, “I don’t feel like talking now,” it’s often not an excuse. More often it’s an emotionally genuine explanation. So parents who are the best listeners are the most available. They drop whatever they’re doing when their teen needs to talk.

End the conversation when it’s no longer constructive. At times discussions with our teens need to be long and even intense. But the conversation should not continue without end or at all cost.

Teens often have a lot invested in the outcome of their discussions with us. And if the discussion is about trying to convince us to say “yes,” they have a lot more energy to continue the discussion than we do. They know they can outlast us with persistence and repetition. Thus, we must be the one to decide when a conversation is getting out of hand and needs to end.

When the conversation begins to feel like it’s going around in circles or if the conversation is about to enter the combative stage, it’s time to end it. Let your blood pressure be your guide. If you feel a rush of anger beginning to build inside you, end the conversation as swiftly as you can.

It’s perfectly acceptable to leave the room to ensure the conversation ends if your teen refuses to stop pleading or arguing. And let them have the last word. It’s wiser to let them have this little victory, rather than spend the extra energy needed to continue a pointless or even hurtful conversation.

At the end of tonight’s episode, Gloria laments: Parents make so many mistakes with their children. But it’s only because we’re trying so hard to make them happy.

It’s hard to take anything Gloria has to say about parenting seriously. She didn’t listen well tonight. She didn’t even wait for her turn to talk; she got in what she had to say edgewise, in a voiceover. And she tried to gaslight her own kid tonight – for crying out loud! Still she might be on to something here.

Your Parenting Experiences
What do you think about Gloria’s lament in the voiceover tonight? When you think back to some of the parenting mistakes you’ve made, do many of them revolve around trying to keep your teen happy or trying to keep them close?

Sources and Resources: I’d Listen to My Parents if They’d Just Shut Up by Anthony Wolf, PhD; Staying Connected to Your Teenager by Michael Riera, PhD; “Why Listen to Your Adolescent?” by Carl Pickhardt at Psychology Today

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