Roxane Lehmann, Ph.D.

Haley and the Champagne Flute

Season 4, Episode 20

The Framework

Tonight on “Modern Family” a couple former storylines get picked up right where they left off. The house that Claire and Cam have been renovating gets put on the market and sold. While over at the Pritchett house Gloria gets mad when Manny’s father visits again, bringing Trish – another one of his girlfriends – with him. And Gloria gets even madder when it turns out that this one is not a bimbo but an art expert with a fancy degree and a job to match.

These storylines were full of laughs like these:

Haley: He went to college at a place called “mit.”
Alex: It’s MIT.
Haley: I know how to spell it.

Gloria: This is not even garbage. They wouldn’t take it. It’s too big for the can.

Trish (to Gloria): You know what I had for lunch?! I had half a granola bar. And I can’t even button my pants.

But as the families celebrate the completed renovation, there were a couple sobering lines as well:

Phil: I would like to propose a toast.
Haley (emptying her glass of bubbly and holding it out for more): Missed me. And before the second toast: Still empty.
Alex: You know you’re my ride.
Haley (pinging the champagne flute with her finger): They say it’s bad luck to toast with an empty glass.

Flipping the Frame: My Notes

Does Haley have a drinking problem? She did chug down that glass of champagne. And there was that night of bizarre behavior that got her kicked out of college – a night that began with drinking. But how would we know if she had a problem? Come to think of it, how would we know if one of our kids had a problem with alcohol?

Here are some warning signs:
• Mood changes – flare-ups of temper, irritability, and defensiveness
• School problems – poor attendance, low grades, or recent disciplinary action
• Rebelling against family rules
• Switching friends along with reluctance to have you get to know their friends
• A “nothing matters” attitude, sloppy appearance, a lack of involvement in former interests, and general low energy
• Finding alcohol in your child’s bedroom or backpack, or smelling alcohol on their breath
• Physical or mental problems – bloodshot eyes, lack of coordination, slurred speech, memory lapses, poor concentration
(Source: NIAAA)

Some of the things on this list may be no more than normal teen growing pains. But if your teen shows several of the signs at the same time, if they occur suddenly, and if they are more extreme, it’s probably time to get some help. A good place to start is to call your teen’s doctor – just as we would if our teens had any other serious medical need.

None of us want our teens to use alcohol – much less to develop a drinking problem. But no teen is immune. So we need to keep our radar up and quietly monitor for signs of use. Because no one will ever be more concerned than we are. And no one can be more watchful than we can be.

If your teen casually mentions that some of their friends are drinking or that some of their friends’ parents let their kids drink, it’s a signal that they may be doing some experimenting or at least considering it. Putting up these trial balloons lets teens test our response. And as the balloons float by, we get a natural chance to reinforce our rule that no use is acceptable and to remind them of the consequences for missing the mark.

If you suspect experimentation but only have your suspicions, voice your concerns as objectively (and unemotionally) as possible. Tell your teen what it is that you’ve noticed that has you worried. And tell them that you love them too much not to worry and care too much not to fight them over drinking or drug use. By saying this we let our teens know that we’re paying attention, and it lets us gradually build a case if their worrisome behavior continues. So say this, and then quietly monitor their behavior.

And if you find evidence of one occasion of use, try not to view it as the end of the world. Yes, it’s disappointing. And to send a message that you won’t tolerate drinking, you’ll have to take away some of their privileges (things like driving, sleepovers, and extended curfews) until they’ve re-earned your trust. But there is also reason to be grateful. Because when our teens make a mistake and we find out about it, we get one of our best opportunities to help them make better decisions down the road.

The BottomLine

Jay (to Trish): Now, I’m not an art expert like you, but I did acquire this piece in a gallery in one of those finer Vegas casinos. What do you think?
Trish: It does say something. … What is it Thoreau said: “It’s not what you look at that matters, it’s what you see.”

Some parents will take a look at the teen scene and decide that teens will drink and that there is little they can do about it. And to be honest, the research indicates that parenting doesn’t seem to have a whole lot of effect on whether kids decide to try alcohol. But if you take a closer look at the data, you’ll see that parenting attitudes and actions can make a big difference in how much and how often teens drink – and this is where the greatest risks to their safety and their brains lie.

Researchers have found that the kids least likely to do heavy drinking have parents who are highly supportive and highly demanding. These parents are warm and caring. They know where their kids are and who they are with. They send a clear message that no drinking is acceptable. And they hold their kids accountable. On the other hand, having a permissive parent who is warm and caring but low on accountability (I’m talking to you, Phil) can triple the risk of a teen taking part in heavy drinking. And a controlling parent who is high on accountability but low on warmth (Claire, I’m talking to you now) can more than double their teen’s risk of heavy drinking.

So it’s true that as our teens get older, we have less influence and their peers have more. But it’s also true that our actions and attitudes can go a long way in minimizing the effect of peer encouragement to drink.

Flipping the Frame: From My Life as a Parent

A decade ago when my son was a teen, many parents viewed teen drinking as a rite of passage. Some parents today still may feel relieved that their teen is “only” drinking. But in truth, what we’ve learned over the last several years underscores the dangers of underage drinking:

• It’s a major cause of death from injuries among teens.
• It plays a role in risky sexual behavior and violent crime.
• And there is growing evidence that the teen brain, which is still forming, is more vulnerable than the adult brain to the damaging effects of alcohol.

Some adolescent experts used to advise letting teens do their experimenting before they left home for college so that parents could keep watch and monitor their use. Nobody is suggesting this any more. We now know that the best thing we parents can do is to delay the age at which our kids start drinking for as long as possible. Because the earlier teens start drinking, the more likely they are to become a heavy drinker and to have problems with school, jobs, and relationships.

Flipping the Frame: Your Parenting Experiences

• I’m pretty sure that Haley is not yet 21. Why do you think she got champagne for toasting while Alex and Luke got juice? She’s almost 21. And it’s just one glass. So does it matter?

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The “C” in Claire Stands for Control

Season 4, Episode 19

The Framework

When parents worry, they respond. That’s what knotted the storylines on “Modern Family” together tonight. Mitch and Cam worry that Lily doesn’t have a female role model. And Gloria worries that Manny is losing his cultural heritage. But the storyline that best captured parental worry (and response) was the one that took place in the Dunphy household.

The morning started with Claire in full-on control.

Claire: Luke, please stop taking appliances apart.
Luke: I’m making something.
Claire: You’re unmaking something!

Haley: I’m giving my notice today.
Claire: Wait. What? … What do you mean that you’re quitting?! Your manager just started letting you open and close the store.
Haley: It’s boring…
Claire: Honey, you need to learn to stick with things. And you just got the big keys.

Alex: I need caffeine today.
Claire: How late were you at that party last night?
Haley: She snuck in at 10:00 and spent all night reading under the covers with a flashlight.
Claire: Alex, what have I told you about staying out after your curfew?
Alex: I need to do it more often.
Claire: Exactly! You need to learn to have some fun. You’re going on that spring break trip with Nicole.
Alex: No! I can’t! I have to study for the PSATs.

And that’s when Claire turns to Phil for backup. Instead she got this:

Phil: All right, everybody, listen up. Haley, you’re not quitting; you’re resigning. It sounds better. Alex, you have all of spring break to lock yourself in your room and study. And, Luke, “coffeebots” is a nonstarter. But I do like the idea of popcorn kernels in pancake batter so they self-flip.

Perhaps Claire’s over-the-top efforts to control were due to her fears about the angiogram she had scheduled for later that day. When worried, we moms instinctually tend to hold on to our kids tighter.

Though, as it turns out, Claire’s worries were just beginning. Because while she and Phil are at the hospital waiting for Claire to be wheeled away for the procedure, the older fellow in the bed next to Claire gets a visit from his three kids who look like grown-up versions of the Dunphy brood. And Claire and Phil do not like what they see.

With this unsettling vision of their future kids dancing in their heads, they switch parenting roles – each taking the typical style of the other in phone calls made to their kids.

Claire: Haley, I love you. If you don’t want to work in that store, I’ll help you find something you like better. Alex, you don’t have to go on that trip with Nicole. You can study as much as you want. Just know that I love you.

Phil: Haley, you’re not quitting your job. … Listen to me. You are dangerously close to getting on a path that you can’t get off of. Alex, book down. Run a brush through your hair. You’re going on that trip with your friend.

Flipping the Frame: My Notes

So much of parenting teens is about control. And Claire and Phil are at opposite ends of the control spectrum.

Claire is hands-on. She believes she owns the controls. Under this micromanaging regime, teens often superficially comply with their parents’ demands and then dedicate much of their energy to sneaking and lying in order to do what they want.

Phil is hand-off. He often relinquishes control entirely. This permissive parenting style gives most teens less structure than they need and more freedom than they’re ready for.

The sweet spot for parenting teens is in the middle of the control spectrum. From this spot, parents believe it’s their job to help manage the controls – neither owning the controls nor relinquishing them completely. Below is a short list of tips that will help you get to this spot:

• Think of control as a swinging pendulum. We’re at our most influential when the pendulum is at the midpoint – when we’re guiding our teens rather than being too hands-on or too hands-off. Parenting from this midpoint means striking the right balance between restrictiveness and autonomy.

• Help your teen explore both sides of the situation. Rather than giving ultimatums like Claire and Phil did (You’re not quitting your job!), it’s better to encourage teens to explore both sides of the situation. For example, “Haley, I’d like to hear what’s going on with your job. Please help me understand what’s working for you and what’s not.” Then listen.

• Don’t push your point of view. How we say what we say can make a huge difference. So when it’s your turn to share your ideas, don’t make the mistake that Claire and Phil made when they pushed their point of view on Haley: Honey, you need to learn to stick with things. … You are dangerously close to getting on a path that you can’t get off of. Statements like these can force teens to take the other side.

You’ll have a much better chance of getting your ideas across if you think of it as floating them by your teen and if you can offer some information that your teen might not know. For example, Claire and Phil might have gently but firmly reminded Haley that while she’s not in college, she needs a job to cover rent and other personal expenses. And they might have encouraged her to consider securing a new job before quitting her current one, relaying that it’s almost always easier to get a new job when you already have one.

• Know where the line is. Know where “guiding” is on the control spectrum and be ready to step back over the line if you find yourself going too far in one direction or the other.

Even when our teens don’t immediately respond as we’d hoped, they are listening. And if we respect their right to have an opinion different than ours and give them some time and space to think about the situation, they’re more likely to see us as someone who can be trusted, to be open to our influence, and to seek us out when they need help.

The BottomLine

Phil: Look, all we can do is give Haley time to find out who she is.
Claire: Or I can save that time, and I can tell her who she is.

We’re determined to do what is right for our kids. But often our deepest desire to do what is right causes us to act like Claire and Phil and lean too far in one direction or the other.

Yet the evidence overwhelmingly links parenting from the midpoint of the control spectrum with healthy adolescent development. By staying connected with our teens and helping to manage the controls, we are:
• Giving our teens self-assurance and adding to their ability to withstand stress and negative influences.
• Helping them develop reasoning skills.
• Making them more open to our influence and more likely to have similar values and attitudes.

So instead of thinking of control as something we say or do to teens or giving up on them (hoping that time will do what we can’t), we’re at our best when we look for ways to stay connected and work with our teens.

Flipping the Frame: Your Parenting Experiences

Think of the various topics you communicate with your teen about – topics such as grades, curfew, clothes, friends, attitude, alcohol, drugs, music, chores, sex, and driving.
• Where do you think you are on the control spectrum (controlling, guiding, hands-off) for each of these topics?
• Where do you think your teen would say you are?
• Are you purposefully more hands-on about some things and more hands-off about others?

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