Roxane Lehmann, Ph.D.

Why Is Manny Dragging His Feet?

Season 4, Episode 9

The Framework

Tonight both thirteen-year-old Manny and his stepfather Jay attend a kid’s Olympic-themed birthday celebration. And it appears that the party may have pushed them both outside their comfort zones.

As soon as Jay arrives at the party, it’s clear he’d rather be somewhere else. This man who is so at ease in his own home, is obviously uncomfortable here. He wants to fit in with the other dads who’ve accompanied their kids to the party. But as he’s introduced he gets J-Loed, and it quickly becomes apparent that he doesn’t have a lot in common with this crowd of younger, cooler??? men.

Manny too would rather be somewhere other than the party. Early in the episode he drags his feet about going:

Jay: Manny, while we’re young!

Gloria: He doesn’t want to go. That’s why he’s taking so long with the primping.

Jay: A boy his age should do exactly zero primping.

Jay (as Manny comes down the stairs): You ready?

Manny: Not in the least.

Now perhaps Manny is reluctant to go because he, like Jay, is anxious about fitting in with a new crowd – a crowd of more athletic and popular peers. But I’m not convinced that it’s Manny’s fear about stepping out of his comfort zone that is causing him to drag his feet.

Because when I heard him describe the party this way:

This kid in my class, Doug Brooks, has a sports-themed party every year. All boys. All sports. All day. He calls it the Doug-lyimpics – which might make sense if he did it every four years. Or if his name was Al… Let’s just say that nothing about this party works.

And explain why he got invited like this:

I think he only invites me because he likes to match skin color to nation. I know that’s why Allan Yang gets invited.

… It made me think that perhaps something else was behind his reluctance to go.

Manny went to the party because his parents urged – even expected – him to go:

Gloria: It’s a beautiful day outside. Go and enjoy yourself at Doug-lympics.

Jay: Okay we get it; sports isn’t your thing. But you’ve got to step out of your comfort zone sometime… You don’t have to win a medal. Just have fun.

And although Jay has “diagnosed” Manny’s foot dragging as a comfort zone issue, I think it’s more likely that this precocious and self-confident (although different) kid was dragging his feet because he simply preferred not to go.

Flipping the Frame: My Notes

Everyone has a comfort zone. And these have been stretched and expanded throughout our lives. This is the nature of learning for all of us – whether it’s learning a new game, acquiring a new math skill, or trying to fit in with a new group of peers.

We feel calm and confident when we’re doing something in our comfort zone. But the stretching process that takes place when we do any kind of new learning causes us to become hesitant and doubtful. And if we become overwhelmed with uncertainty, all kinds of excuses and rationalizations will pop into our heads. We’ll sound like Jay as his comfort zone was being stretched at the birthday party tonight:

Ahhh… I don’t really know anyone… I’m supposed to be at the club in a few moments… I’ll see you later.

If, however, we manage to get through the hesitation and doubt, we’ll succeed in expanding our comfort zone to include a new skill.

This uncomfortable stretching is what learning is all about. It’s what our kids face on a daily basis – not just in the classroom, but in the hallway and lunchroom too as they try to fit in with their peers. And because teens count on their peers to assure them they’re okay and because their social connections help them define who they are as an individual, fitting in is important.

But while it’s important, the shaky nature of teens’ social lives makes the process of fitting in complicated for most kids. And fitting in can be particularly difficult for a teen who has been typecast as different and on the fringe. So we parents worry if our teen doesn’t seem to be accepted by their peer group and wonder how we can tell if their friendship patterns are cause for concern.

Because there are so many variables, it’s difficult to say what level of peer interaction is normal. If social interactions are distressing your teen or if they see their difference as a flaw, they may need help with socialization issues. However, if they seem to feel okay about themselves and have one or two close friends who they enjoy being with, don’t be too quick to jump in and try to fix things. Your teen’s friendship patterns may have a different meaning for them than for you. They may simply prefer to spend time alone.

Regardless of your teens’ level of social savvy, you can help them feel comfortable with who they are and feel more at ease when interacting with others by:

• Listening to them and empathizing with them if they feel bad about being different instead of trying to talk them out of their feelings.

• Accepting and affirming your teen’s positive differences and telling them often what you admire and appreciate about them.

• Valuing their interests even if you don’t share them and by letting them see the excitement they feel when pursuing their interests mirrored in your eyes.

• Floating some tips by your teen on how to meet people and make friends…

– Making sure your teen realizes that other people – including kids – like to know that their ideas are being listened to and valued.

– Reminding your teen that they can let other kids know that they’re paying attention by making eye contact while other kids are talking and by asking a question or two about what they’ve said.

– Mentioning to your teen that when they let other kids know that they think they’re entertaining and funny, it makes those kids feel good. Plus it indicates that your teen has a sense of humor – one of the top assets teens look for in a friend.

The BottomLine

Some of the most intelligent, creative, and mature teens I’ve met are typecast as different and on the fringe. Sometimes their peers rebuff them. But more often than not, they sense that they’re different, are comfortable with it, and would rather not join the crowd because they’ve learned that they rarely get much meaningful from the interactions.

So it’s wise to remember that while we all want our teens to feel accepted, not all kids who have trouble fitting in during adolescence have a problem. In fact, these are the kids who often grow up to be future leaders. As school smart Alex quipped to her older and more socially savvy sister Haley in an earlier season episode: You have your fans. I have mine. Someday your fans are going to work for my fans.

Flipping the Frame: Your Parenting Experiences

• What do you think? Was Manny dragging his feet because he was out of his comfort zone or did he simply prefer not to go? How did you reach your conclusion?

• Think of the times when you could tell that your teen was out of their comfort zone. What did they look and sound like?

• Our teens need us to stay connected with them so that we can support them when they’re stretching their comfort zones. But knowing how is as much an art as a science. Mostly by trial and error, I learned that one of my teens benefitted from my clear direction and reassuring yet firm insistence while my other teen benefitted more from my quiet presence and gentle undergirding. What do you do that seems to help your teen when their comfort zone is being stretched?

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Haley Goes to Jail

Season 4, Episode 7

The Framework

The episode opens with the kind of call every parent dreads – a middle-of-the-night call from the police:

Claire: Hello. Yes, this is she … Oh, God! Haley has been arrested!

Immediately, Claire jumps onto a roller coaster of bad feelings. And while on that emotional ride full of confusion and panic, and well before she has all the facts, she begins putting together a plan to solve Haley’s problem.

Early the next morning Claire, Phil, and Mitch (enlisted to lend his legal expertise) head to Haley’s campus to rescue her from what they believed were underage drinking charges. En route, with some time to reflect, Claire seems to realize that Haley needs to share some of the worry about what she has done:

Claire: My daughter’s been arrested for drinking. I would like her to sit in jail and think about that. As a matter of fact I might stop and do a little outlet shopping. Who wants a pair of last year’s sunglasses, eh?

Upon their arrival, however, they find that things are even worse than they’d thought: The charges are more serious than they’d assumed and, after only a matter of weeks at college, Haley is in danger of suspension. The parents bail Haley out of jail, and once again begin to take charge of the problem. Surprisingly, it’s Phil – generally more of a likeable friend than a father figure – who puts his foot down. He scolds Haley for being reckless and making excuses instead of taking responsibility for her actions and gives her specific instructions on how to dress and act at the upcoming suspension hearing. But just when it seems that Phil is going to completely takeover the rescue mission and leave little or none of the worry or work for Haley to deal with, Claire steps in to hand some of the responsibility back to Haley:

Haley: Where are you going?
Claire: To get [your dad] a waffle.

At the hearing Haley admits to her wrongdoing and some other unrelated acts as well. Suffice it to say that the sum of her confessions gets her kicked out of school. And as Claire and Phil help Haley pack-up her belongings, it’s tempting to wonder if perhaps the parents got the problem sharing balance wrong. Perhaps they should not have gone off for waffles, leaving Haley to prepare for her hearing alone. But when the dorm room is empty except for the furniture and it’s time to depart for home, there’s this exchange:

Phil: Where are the keys?
Haley: There right there on the makeup table.
Claire: Oh, honey, that’s a desk.

So perhaps things did turnout for the best after all.

Flipping the Frame: My Notes

Tonight Claire and Phil faced the unsettling fact that while they’re still responsible for Haley (the police called them), they’re not in charge – at least not totally. This is not unique to the Dunphys. Virtually all parents of teens face this fact sooner or later. And their dialogue as they approached the police station depicts the ambivalence we parents typically feel when our teens mess up:

Phil: We’re going to walk in there as a family and show we support her no matter what.
Claire: We may be supporting her for the rest of her life.

Phil’s right. Of course, we don’t want to be too hands-off when our teens mess up and leave them with only their own inadequate judgment to guide them. But Claire has a point too. If we expect our teens to eventually become self-reliant, we can’t let our fears about what the mess up might do to their future cause us to become too hands-on either.

When we takeover our teen’s problems, they miss out on the chance to develop the important life skills of decision-making and problem solving. And not letting our teens experience any of the negative consequences of their actions, means that they miss out on key feedback that can motivate them to learn from their mistakes. Plus if our actions tell our teens that we’ll do all the necessary worrying, they’ll come to see this as our job. They’ll come to believe that we have to figure out how to get them out of their problems –that that’s what parent are for – and that they have absolutely nothing to worry about.

The BottomLine

Haley: I don’t know what the policy is… but I think I broke it – twice.

When our teens mess-up (and they’re bound to), it’s important that we strike the right balance. Of course, we don’t want to abandon them just when they need our sturdy presence more than ever. But it’s not in their best interest for us to take total control of the situation either. Instead, our teens need us to be a guide worth following – someone with the authority to set limits and make and enforce rules as well as someone they can look to for direction and back up.

And our teens are counting on us to get the balance of support right. Because when we find appropriate ways to influence and guide them, their bad decisions can become some of their best opportunities to gradually learn self-reliance and develop their own inner voice, which will remind them of their values and help them make better decisions.

Flipping the Frame: From My Life as a Parent

This episode brought back memories of my son’s eighth grade sneak out. Like Claire, I got a middle-of-the-night call from the police along with the feel-bad roller coaster ride of emotions. That night it dawned on me that I was no longer totally in charge. I realized that I was going to have to change the way I thought about my role as a parent. Successfully parenting my son – now that he’d become a teen – would require his cooperation. And getting his cooperation would depend a lot on me.

Flipping the Frame: Your Parenting Experiences

• Did this episode bring back memories of the time you came face to face with the fact that you were no longer totally in-charge of your teen? If so, what happened?

• How did you handle the situation? Did your hyper-vision about the future cause you to jump in and take control of the situation? If you had it to do over, would you do anything differently?

• How did the incident change your relationship with your teen – in terms of your trust, your expectations, your monitoring of your teen’s behavior and how you held your teen accountable?

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