Roxane Lehmann, Ph.D.

Manny Vies with Luke for the Phantom Lead

Season 4, Episode 14

The Framework

Tonight the action on Modern Family revolved around the word “play.” Haley and her boyfriend Dylan play house by babysitting baby Joe and Lily. Claire is there too, watching with concern as she overhears this exchange:

Haley: Having kids is fun!
Dylan: And easy.
Haley: Maybe this is what I should do with my life.

Meanwhile Mitchell, Jay, and Phil play golf. Jay who admits to being a bit of a drill sergeant when it comes to sports has put on kid gloves to coach Phil. But Mitchell, after six months of practice (and years of resentment), has taken off the gloves – or as he says, I was ready to kick my dad’s ass. And those are just the side stories. The lead story is about Cam directing a play.

Both Luke and Manny are involved in the play – a middle school production of “Phantom of the Opera.” And this lead story is basically about changing leads. When the student star gets mono, Manny lands the lead. That is until we learn that Luke, who’s been painting sets, can sing better. Then Manny determined to keep the lead, plays on Luke’s peer fears:

Manny: Look at the bright side. What if you don’t screw up, humiliate yourself, and get mocked forever.
Luke: Get mocked?
Manny: Only by the cool kids. But who needs them. You’re one of us now: the theatre geeks.

And with that, Luke refuses to sing. Cam considers playing the lead himself. Until he remembers it’s a kid production and begins coaching Manny for the lead:

Cam: Okay, Manny. Did you forget the notes I gave you? Or just choose to ignore them?

And then a bit later…

Okay, Manny, it’s no secret that you were not my first choice for this – or my second. But it’s not too late for you to make this your very own “Phantom.” So I want you to watch what Luke did and copy that.

Now don’t misunderstand. Cam doesn’t have it in for Manny. This is just his idea of directing. Here’s further insight into his style:

Cam (to cast): Okay. I’ll be recording today’s rehearsal, but don’t let that make you self-conscious. I’m only using it to pinpoint your mistakes.

In the end Luke takes the lead. He sings like a nightingale (as Cam puts it). And his father, who initially said he couldn’t make it because he was going to be busy playing golf, ends up attending the performance after all. Phil’s change of heart happens on the golf course as he listens to Harry Chapin’s “Cat’s in the Cradle” – a tearjerker about a dad who’s so busy that he misses all of the important moments in his son’s life.

Flipping the Frame: My Notes

Risk taking is at the heart of the teen storylines tonight: Claire hopes Haley will stretch and try new experiences before starting a family. And as Manny and Luke deal with the changing lead in “Phantom” (a lead that seems as elusive as a phantom), they too take risks.

Teens have to take risks. Risk taking helps them differentiate themselves from others and develop an identity. Taking risks lets teens test their boundaries and know what they’re capable of doing. Risks that go well can let them experience personal success – as Luke did tonight. And the risks that don’t pan out can help them build resilience – as Manny found tonight.

Risk taking is essential if teens are to grow into independent, productive adults. So it should come as no surprise that teens are hardwired to take risks. But those risks don’t have to be dangerous ones. In fact, although adults tend to link risk taking with negative behavior, most teens think that risk taking refers to positive activities that have a built-in challenge or risk for failure. These activities include things as diverse as taking an AP course, trying out for a sports team or play, mountain biking, rock climbing, asking someone on a first date, running for student council, and volunteering to mentor a young child.

According to recent research, this kind of positive risk-taking is associated with better overall emotional wellbeing. When compared to their peers, teens who take positive risks are more likely to describe themselves as responsible, confident, successful, and optimistic. They’re more likely to report that they often feel happy and less likely to report feeling bored or depressed. And they’re more likely to consider the potential negative consequences of dangerous risk-taking.

Interestingly, the research suggests that it’s the challenge level of the activity – not the number of activities that teens engage in – that makes the positive difference in their behavior.

The BottomLine

Although their peers come in a close second, teens say that they count on their parents more than anyone else to help them take the right kinds of risks and challenge themselves. And we want our kids to take those risks. We empathize with Claire’s wistful comment tonight as she watches Haley play house: Aim higher. Open yourself to new experiences…

And we can do more than wistful thinking. Here are some concrete things we parents can do to help. We can:

• Stay connected to them. Teens who report open and frequent communication with their parents about important issues are more likely to share their parents’ values and to try to live up to their parents’ expectations.

And it’s important we remember that being connected isn’t about occasionally going to coffee with our kids. Being connected is about talking, listening, and being available on a regular basis. As Harry Chapin’s “Cat’s in the Cradle” song reminds, it’s about being involved in our kids’ lives.

• Praise selectively. Notice what your teen is doing well and acknowledge it. Praise that hits the mark is of incredible value. It affirms your teen by underscoring what they already know. But be careful about overpraising. Excessive or undeserved praise can lead kids to feel entitled – to come to believe that good things will automatically happen to them. Not because they’ve earned it, but just because they want it.

And when praise is earned, rather than giving a general compliment, be specific. Vague praise doesn’t have much effect, and teens can’t learn from it. Plus even though we’re our teens’ biggest fans, they’re not tops in everything. And we’re not helping them learn what they’re capable of doing if we imply that they are.

• Criticize Constructively. There are times when our teens can benefit from our honest, constructive criticism. But because teens are often ultrasensitive, especially when it comes to our judgments, it’s often difficult for us to be truthful without being hurtful.

And the hurtful memories can last a long time. In tonight’s episode Mitchell laments about how his father criticized his athletic endeavors as a kid: I wasn’t the best athlete growing up, and my dad never missed an opportunity to point that out: “Nice throw, Nancy!” Mitchell then pauses before adding: Nancy was our neighbor. I could never throw as well as she could.

How we relay criticism, however, can make a big difference. (Listen up, Jay and Cam!) Helpful criticism is done face-to-face; it’s done in private; and it never attacks the character of the person. If teens believe that their failure is due to some unchangeable flaw, they’ll lose hope and stop trying. Plus character attacks put teens on the defensive, meaning they can no longer listen to what we have to say.

Helpful criticism deals with the specific problem at hand. It points out what the teen is doing well and what they’re doing poorly. Helpful criticism holds out hope for doing better. And it suggests a plan for doing so – perhaps pointing out possibilities or alternatives the teen did not know were there.

Flipping the Frame: From My Life as a Parent

We don’t want our kids to settle for less than they can be. And when fear is holding them back, we parents can help them tip the balance back in the right direction. My daughter taught me a lot about this.

I learned that I could be most supportive by initially helping her unpack her resistance, saying something like “You seem kind of nervous. What are you most worried about?” I’d then stay quiet and listen to her anxieties. And once she’d had a chance to air her worries, I’d remind her of her resilience and past successes under similar circumstances. Here’s an example of what that reminder sounded like when she was about 14-years-old and anxious about an upcoming ballet recital:

I know you’re nervous about the dance recital on Saturday. But I feel certain you will get through it successfully. Remember last year before the recital you felt the same way. You weren’t certain at all about one of the dances, but you got through it beautifully.

Before the recital started, you were uncertain – afraid you’d forget something or even fall. You had a stomachache and your throat hurt just as they do now. But you danced exquisitely, and when it was over you talked about how much you enjoy performing for an audience.

You’ll get through this, just as you have before.

The technique of listening to their worries and then reminding them of their past successes is a powerful way to support them – whether it’s a recital, a competition, or a big test. When our kids are feeling anxious and full of doubt, they can benefit from our support. Even if it’s just a few positive words: You can do it. You’ll be exactly enough! I know you will.

Flipping the Frame: Your Parenting Experiences

• How could Cam have done a better job with Manny? What could he have said that would have been honest without making Manny feel inadequate?

• If Luke were your kid, how would you have praised him for his performance in “Phantom?”

• Have you found a way to give your teen honest feedback without being hurtful? If so, what’s the hardest thing for you to get right? For me it was keeping my eye brows from going way up. How about you? Is it your timing? Your facial expression? Your tone of voice? Your words?

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Why Is Manny Dragging His Feet?

Season 4, Episode 9

The Framework

Tonight both thirteen-year-old Manny and his stepfather Jay attend a kid’s Olympic-themed birthday celebration. And it appears that the party may have pushed them both outside their comfort zones.

As soon as Jay arrives at the party, it’s clear he’d rather be somewhere else. This man who is so at ease in his own home, is obviously uncomfortable here. He wants to fit in with the other dads who’ve accompanied their kids to the party. But as he’s introduced he gets J-Loed, and it quickly becomes apparent that he doesn’t have a lot in common with this crowd of younger, cooler??? men.

Manny too would rather be somewhere other than the party. Early in the episode he drags his feet about going:

Jay: Manny, while we’re young!

Gloria: He doesn’t want to go. That’s why he’s taking so long with the primping.

Jay: A boy his age should do exactly zero primping.

Jay (as Manny comes down the stairs): You ready?

Manny: Not in the least.

Now perhaps Manny is reluctant to go because he, like Jay, is anxious about fitting in with a new crowd – a crowd of more athletic and popular peers. But I’m not convinced that it’s Manny’s fear about stepping out of his comfort zone that is causing him to drag his feet.

Because when I heard him describe the party this way:

This kid in my class, Doug Brooks, has a sports-themed party every year. All boys. All sports. All day. He calls it the Doug-lyimpics – which might make sense if he did it every four years. Or if his name was Al… Let’s just say that nothing about this party works.

And explain why he got invited like this:

I think he only invites me because he likes to match skin color to nation. I know that’s why Allan Yang gets invited.

… It made me think that perhaps something else was behind his reluctance to go.

Manny went to the party because his parents urged – even expected – him to go:

Gloria: It’s a beautiful day outside. Go and enjoy yourself at Doug-lympics.

Jay: Okay we get it; sports isn’t your thing. But you’ve got to step out of your comfort zone sometime… You don’t have to win a medal. Just have fun.

And although Jay has “diagnosed” Manny’s foot dragging as a comfort zone issue, I think it’s more likely that this precocious and self-confident (although different) kid was dragging his feet because he simply preferred not to go.

Flipping the Frame: My Notes

Everyone has a comfort zone. And these have been stretched and expanded throughout our lives. This is the nature of learning for all of us – whether it’s learning a new game, acquiring a new math skill, or trying to fit in with a new group of peers.

We feel calm and confident when we’re doing something in our comfort zone. But the stretching process that takes place when we do any kind of new learning causes us to become hesitant and doubtful. And if we become overwhelmed with uncertainty, all kinds of excuses and rationalizations will pop into our heads. We’ll sound like Jay as his comfort zone was being stretched at the birthday party tonight:

Ahhh… I don’t really know anyone… I’m supposed to be at the club in a few moments… I’ll see you later.

If, however, we manage to get through the hesitation and doubt, we’ll succeed in expanding our comfort zone to include a new skill.

This uncomfortable stretching is what learning is all about. It’s what our kids face on a daily basis – not just in the classroom, but in the hallway and lunchroom too as they try to fit in with their peers. And because teens count on their peers to assure them they’re okay and because their social connections help them define who they are as an individual, fitting in is important.

But while it’s important, the shaky nature of teens’ social lives makes the process of fitting in complicated for most kids. And fitting in can be particularly difficult for a teen who has been typecast as different and on the fringe. So we parents worry if our teen doesn’t seem to be accepted by their peer group and wonder how we can tell if their friendship patterns are cause for concern.

Because there are so many variables, it’s difficult to say what level of peer interaction is normal. If social interactions are distressing your teen or if they see their difference as a flaw, they may need help with socialization issues. However, if they seem to feel okay about themselves and have one or two close friends who they enjoy being with, don’t be too quick to jump in and try to fix things. Your teen’s friendship patterns may have a different meaning for them than for you. They may simply prefer to spend time alone.

Regardless of your teens’ level of social savvy, you can help them feel comfortable with who they are and feel more at ease when interacting with others by:

• Listening to them and empathizing with them if they feel bad about being different instead of trying to talk them out of their feelings.

• Accepting and affirming your teen’s positive differences and telling them often what you admire and appreciate about them.

• Valuing their interests even if you don’t share them and by letting them see the excitement they feel when pursuing their interests mirrored in your eyes.

• Floating some tips by your teen on how to meet people and make friends…

– Making sure your teen realizes that other people – including kids – like to know that their ideas are being listened to and valued.

– Reminding your teen that they can let other kids know that they’re paying attention by making eye contact while other kids are talking and by asking a question or two about what they’ve said.

– Mentioning to your teen that when they let other kids know that they think they’re entertaining and funny, it makes those kids feel good. Plus it indicates that your teen has a sense of humor – one of the top assets teens look for in a friend.

The BottomLine

Some of the most intelligent, creative, and mature teens I’ve met are typecast as different and on the fringe. Sometimes their peers rebuff them. But more often than not, they sense that they’re different, are comfortable with it, and would rather not join the crowd because they’ve learned that they rarely get much meaningful from the interactions.

So it’s wise to remember that while we all want our teens to feel accepted, not all kids who have trouble fitting in during adolescence have a problem. In fact, these are the kids who often grow up to be future leaders. As school smart Alex quipped to her older and more socially savvy sister Haley in an earlier season episode: You have your fans. I have mine. Someday your fans are going to work for my fans.

Flipping the Frame: Your Parenting Experiences

• What do you think? Was Manny dragging his feet because he was out of his comfort zone or did he simply prefer not to go? How did you reach your conclusion?

• Think of the times when you could tell that your teen was out of their comfort zone. What did they look and sound like?

• Our teens need us to stay connected with them so that we can support them when they’re stretching their comfort zones. But knowing how is as much an art as a science. Mostly by trial and error, I learned that one of my teens benefitted from my clear direction and reassuring yet firm insistence while my other teen benefitted more from my quiet presence and gentle undergirding. What do you do that seems to help your teen when their comfort zone is being stretched?

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