Roxane Lehmann, Ph.D.

Modern Family: Season 6, Episode 15, Fight or Flight

Manny Throws a Punch

The Framework
There is a lot of leaping to conclusions tonight on “Modern Family” with a flight or a fight hot on the heels of most of the leaps. For Manny, the leap was of his own making. But the fight began like this.
Manny: Mom, do I have a fever?
Gloria (kissing Manny’s forehead): Let me check.
Jay: You know we have a thermometer.
Gloria (to Jay): Why do you have to be so white all the time? … He’s pretending to be sick so he doesn’t have to go to his cooking class.
Jay: He has to go! Today is lasagna. I’ve been starving myself all day for that.
Gloria: He doesn’t want to go because there is a boy there who is picking on him.
Jay: At cooking class? You know, we’re running out of places to send him where he can be cool.
Gloria: I know … You have to teach him how to fight.
Jay: The kid is not a fighter. He gets squeamish pounding veal.
Gloria: Just do it!
Jay: Fine. But I’m only doing it for the lasagna.

True to his word (and his rumbling stomach), Jay shows Manny how to punch.
Jay: Really let one go this time. Think about how mad this guy makes you. What’s his name?
Manny: Gideon.
Jay: Oh, geez. All right, think about what he did to you.
Manny: I’d rather not talk about it … I’m done. I’m not fighting anymore. It’s not worth it.
Jay: But you’re doing so good. You just have to turn your shoulder first so you can throw your weight behind your punch … Come on kid! Show ‘em who’s boss.

Later Jay drives Manny to cooking class. And as Manny gets out of the car, there’s this.
Gideon: Hey, Delgado! Manny, I’m talking to you! (Then holding up a pie), you want a piece of this?

With that, Manny punches Gideon just as Jay taught him to do.
Gideon: Ow! What was that for?!
Manny (looking at his fist): Looks like I gave you a piece of this.
Gideon: I was just offering you some apple crumble. I felt bad about teasing you … My therapist said I was acting out because of my parents’ divorce. So I was trying to be nice.

Flipping the Frame: My Notes
Manny thought the kid in his cooking class was a bully, and his initial response was to skip class. But with some goading and coaching from Gloria and Jay, Manny switched from flight to fight mode.

Fight or flight is an instinct leftover from our cavemen ancestors. Smart cave dwellers figured out that when a big, hungry beast approached, they needed to react right away – by either overwhelming the beast or running for safety. Over millions of years, those with the best fight-or-flight skills survived.

Thanks to the process of natural selection, we’ve all inherited an incredible nervous system that automatically gets our bodies ready to battle or run whenever we feel threatened. In contrast, caring and compassion are learned behaviors. Although research in human development shows that the capacity for kindness is present early in life, kids need help throughout their growing-up years to nurture caring behaviors into full development. And a new study indicates that parents need to do more.

Harvard researchers recently surveyed 10,000 middle and high school students around the country about which of three things they thought their parents cared about most: 1) that they achieve at a high level, 2) that they feel happy most of the time, or 3) that they care for others. Almost 80% of the teens surveyed picked high achievement or happiness as the thing their parents cared about most, while roughly 20% ranked caring for others first.

Teens’ own responses about what matters most were virtually the same as what they believed their parents valued most. The researchers summed things up this way: “Some kids made it quite clear that their self-interest is most important: If you are not happy, life is nothing. After that, you want to do well. And after that expend any excess energy on others.”

At first glance, it doesn’t seem that putting personal happiness and success before caring for others is such a big deal. But there is a downside to it. Teens who are mostly looking out only for themselves – and who view their peers as doing likewise – are at greater risk of harmful behavior, including being cruel and disrespectful.

BottomLine
Jay (as he drops Manny off at cooking class): Now remember, what did I teach you?
Manny: Violence solves everything, and don’t wind my fist up like Popeye.
Jay: It’s not violence. It’s self-defense. Now you walk in there like a bad-ass, and you make the best damn lasagna anybody’s ever seen.

Most parents say that raising children who care about others is a top priority. Moreover, when surveyed, parents rank caring for others as more important than their children’s achievement. But our kids aren’t getting the message. In fact, in the Harvard survey, teens were three times more likely to agree than disagree with this statement: “My parents are prouder if I get good grades in my classes than if I’m a caring community member in class and school.”

Most of us aren’t as literal as Gloria and Jay about encouraging our kids to fight for their own self-interest. Still it seems that our focus on our kids’ happiness and our daily messaging to them about achievement are drowning out our messages about being concerned about others and caring for them.

And here’s the ironic thing: Recent research indicates that parents’ focus on happiness and their intense pressure for high achievement doesn’t appear to increase their kids’ happiness or their achievement. At least not in affluent communities. Plus parents who try to ensure their kids’ immediate happiness by constantly protecting them from any kind of struggle can prevent them from developing coping skills that are crucial for long-term happiness.

What’s a Mom to Do
Below are some guidelines and tips for raising caring, respectful kids from Harvard’s “Making Caring Common Project.”

Work to develop caring relationships with your kids. Our kids learn to be kind when they are treated that way. When they feel loved, they become connected to us and that connection makes them more receptive to our values.
– Spend regular time together. Consider building one-on-one time with each of your kids into your monthly schedule rather than leaving it to chance.

– Make your conversations meaningful. Take advantage of the time you have with your kids to talk about things that bring out thoughts and feelings. Try asking (and sharing your answers) to questions such as, “What was something you learned today – in school or out – that surprised you?” or “What’s something nice someone did for you today?” or “What’s something nice you did?”

Make caring for others a priority. A big part of this is holding high expectations for our kids when it comes to honoring their commitments, doing the right thing (even when it’s hard), and insisting that they are respectful (even when other kids aren’t acting that way).
– Send a clear message. Consider your daily messaging to your kids about the importance of caring. Instead of saying, “The most important thing is that you’re happy,” or “The most important thing is that you work hard,” you might add caring about others to the front of your message saying, “The most important thing is that you’re kind and …

– Prioritize caring when you talk with your kids’ teachers and coaches. When you ask about your kid’s skills, grades, or performance, also ask about whether they are a good class member or team player.

– Encourage your kids to “work it out.” If your child wants to quit a team or other group activity, encourage them to consider their obligation to the group and to try to work out problems before throwing in the towel.

Give your kids opportunities to practice being caring and grateful. Developing these traits is a lot like learning to play a sport or an instrument. Daily repetition – whether it’s being nice to a new student in their class or helping their friend with homework or regularly reflecting on what they appreciate – will help build our kids’ capacity to be caring and grateful and make these attributes second nature.
– Praise uncommon acts of kindness. Expect your kids to routinely help with home chores, and save your praise for uncommon acts of kindness. When routine responsibilities are simply expected and not spotlighted or rewarded, they are more likely to become ingrained.

– Express thanks. Encourage your kids to express gratitude to family members, teachers, coaches and others who contribute to their lives. Consider making expressing gratitude a daily ritual – perhaps at the dinner table or at bedtime.

At the end of tonight’s episode there’s this as Jay and Manny return home.
Gloria: Manny, why are you home so early? (Then turning to Jay), did you let him skip school?
Manny: No, Mom. I was kicked out for punching a really misunderstood kid – thanks to you …

I wonder if Gloria would have handled things differently tonight if she knew that being more mindful of others could actually make Manny happier and more successful.

Many of us tend to think that being caring, happy, and a high achiever are at odds with each other. But that is not necessarily so. In fact, research in positive psychology emphasizes that authentic happiness comes from connections with others – not just pursuing self-interest. What’s more, empathy has been shown to improve collaboration skills – which are on the shortlist of “21st century literacies,” suggesting that being able to get along with others is necessary for achievement in today’s world.

Your Parenting Experiences
What do you think your kids would say you care about most:
– That they achieve at a high level
– That they feel happy most of the time, or
– That they care for others?

Sources and Resources: Making Caring Common Project. (To read the full report, click here.)

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Modern Family: Season 6, Episode 12, The Big Guns

Haley Smells a Party

Most of tonight’s episode took place over at the Dunphy’s where new neighbors Ronnie and Amber (the ones who own a chain of medical marijuana stores) are causing more grief. This time they’ve stored a huge, eyesore of a boat decked out with gambling symbols in their driveway. After attempts at charm (including homemade banana bread) fail, the Dunphys call in “the big guns” to give the neighbors a taste of their own medicine.
Phil: We see your boat, and we raise you a convoy of retirees.

The convoy turns out to be Phil’s dad, Frank, and a couple of his friends. They make a detour in their cross-country RV tour to stop-by the neighborhood as back-up. However, the plan backfires when Claire and Phil find them partying on the neighbor’s boat.
Phil: Guys, we appreciate all your help, but you probably shouldn’t be up there.
Ronnie (popping up with beer bottle in hand): Hey, I don’t mind.
Claire (sniffing the air): Is that weed I smell?
Phil (to Ronnie): Wait! You gave ‘em pot?!
Ronnie: No. I run a legitimate business. I’m not going to risk it for that (pointing to partying retirees): They brought their own.
Phil: Dad?!
Frank: Not me, son.
Frank’s friend: It’s me and Victor. Makes my arthritis feel better.
Victor: And I’m in remission – from being lame (laughing).

Ronnie hands Frank a beer while Amber passes around a platter of pigs-in-a-blanket.
Phil: What are you guys doing? You’re supposed to be annoying them!
Ronnie (clinking glasses with Frank): These guys could never annoy me.
Frank: Sorry, son. Turns out Ronnie is a fellow army man. Plus, at our age, it’s tough not to like someone who pays attention to us.

The Framework
For parents (like the Dunphys) intent on keeping their teens from using marijuana, the task keeps getting more complicated. Because California (where Ronnie and Amber have set up shop) is not the only state to have legalized pot for medical use. Twenty-two other states have done so. Four states have gone even further – legalizing pot for adult recreational use. And several more states are likely to legalize use in the next couple years.

The legalization movement is sending many teens (and some parents) the message that marijuana is harmless. And this is not at all the message we want our kids to hear.

To be clear, there are potential medical benefits, including easing pain and nausea for those who are ill (like the retiree in tonight’s episode with arthritis or the one with cancer). And moderate marijuana use may pose little risk for healthy adults. But a growing body of evidence indicates that for teens nothing could be further from the truth.

There is strong evidence of negative short-term effects of marijuana use by teens. While teens are high, marijuana:
– Impairs their short-term memory, making it difficult for them to learn and retain information
– Impairs their motor coordination, interfering with their driving skills and increasing the risk of injury
– Impairs their judgment, increasing the chance that they’ll engage in risky sexual behaviors that facilitate transmission of sexually transmitted diseases

In addition, a growing body of research indicates that repeated marijuana use in adolescence may result in long-term problems. In fact, recent research shows that teens who use marijuana regularly before they reach 17 are more likely to:
– Become addicted – with 17% who begin use in adolescence becoming addicted and 25 to 50% of teens who use daily becoming addicted
– Have altered brain development in terms of shape, size and structure in parts of their brains that have long been linked to motivation, emotion, rewards, and addiction – with the greater amount of marijuana smoked, the greater the brain abnormalities
– Drop out of school
– Have cognitive impairments and lowered IQs
– Experience diminished life satisfaction and achievement when compared with the general population

BottomLine
Haley (coming out of the house carrying a large bag of Doritos): Hey! Smells like a party!
Claire: Back inside.
Haley (annoyed): Okay, then.

By simply sending Haley inside, Claire is missing an important opportunity. This is not the first time that Haley has shown more than a passing interest in the new neighbors and their line of work. Yes, Haley is now 21, but she’s still living with her parents – giving them a bigger window into her life and more leverage for influencing and taking action if needed.

What’s a Mom to Do?
Look for natural opportunities to have ongoing conversations with your teen about marijuana use. (For more tips on talking with teens about drinking and drug use, click here.)

If you suspect your teen is using, or if you’re instincts are telling you that something is wrong, it’s time to say something. Even if you think they’re just experimenting and have no hard evidence, you can and should start the conversation. This is about their health and safety so you must not look the other way.

Voice your concerns objectively and speak calmly, using specific observations and details. You might say something as simple as: “I’ve noticed that (you don’t seem like yourself lately, your group of friends has changed, your good grades are slipping, you smelled like marijuana smoke when you came home last night – whatever it is that has caused you to be concerned). And I need you to hear me say that I love you too much to not be worried about you. Please think carefully about the choices you’re making and let me know if I can help.” Saying this let’s you build a case if their worrisome behavior continues. So say this and then quietly monitor them for use.

If you have evidence of one event of drug use, try to remain calm. Your teen needs your sturdy presence more than ever. Try to hold in mind that one occasion of use is not the end of the world. On the positive side, because you found out, you now have a chance to deal with the issue in a way that is much more effective than lecturing to a nonuser.
– Don’t confront your teen while they are under the influence. Your conversation won’t be productive (or remembered) if your teen is high. So if they come home high, let them know that you noticed, that you’re concerned, and that you’ll meet with them the next day about the issue.
– Prepare for the conversation beforehand. Before talking with your teen make sure you’re on the same page as your parenting partner. This means agreeing to present a united front to your teen. Even if you don’t agree on the issue, you’ll be much more effective as a team. Also prepare yourself for your teen’s reaction. No teen is going to be happy to be approached about their drug use. Click here for more on what to expect and specific tips on responding.
– As you talk with your teen, stick with the facts. Tell them what you found or found out – and tell them that it’s part of your job as their mom to do all you can to make sure they stay safe. Tell them you love them too much not to fight them over drug use. And that you won’t give up on this one.
– If you have addiction in the family, acknowledge its significance. Trying drugs a time or two is part of many teens’ experience. But if addiction runs in your family, this experimenting is much riskier for your teen – and your teen needs to be reminded of this. Don’t be afraid to use family stories to remind your teen of the history and the hurt addiction has caused as you caution them to be especially careful so that they don’t develop similar problems.
– Look at the big picture. Instead of jumping to judgment by blaming their friends or seeing this as a huge character flaw, ask yourself why a good kid would do this. Probe for this in your conversations with your teen and with other sources. Consider both dispositional factors (things like stress, depression, impulsivity, wanting to fit-in, and their propensity for risk taking). And consider situational factors (like poorly understood expectations and too little monitoring).
– Be very leery of their insistence that this was a first time use. Teens tend to be very good at minimizing and distorting their involvement with trouble. So consider your teen’s explanation but remember two things: 1) It’s pretty simple for a teen to escape detection if they’re careful and conscientious. So if you catch your teen, they’re getting sloppy in their precautions. 2) The pot, the bongs, and other paraphernalia in your teen’s possession will always belong to their friends.
– Follow up on your conversations with consequences that will keep the boundary line between right and wrong clear. Tell your teen that to you drug use indicates a level of irresponsibility that disqualifies them from privileges such as driving, extended curfews, and sleepovers. But remember that any consequences should provide a clear and reasonable path for re-earning your trust and their privileges.
– Keep your parent radar way up. A second offence warrants a risk assessment by a professional.

Your Parenting Experiences
A while back I attended a forum for parents of teens in a nearby community. A big, burly officer from the local police department was on the panel. He shared stories about parents who’ve called him with worries that something bad was going on with their kids. But these parents weren’t acting on their worries. Why? Because they were concerned about invading their kids’ privacy. His advice to parents: “Teens don’t have privacy. They’re kids. If you’re reluctant to do a search, I’ll do it for you. There’s nothing like having a big guy like me going through your underwear.”

What do think about this advice? Would you call in the big guns to snoop through your teens’ things? (For more on snooping, click here.)

Sources and Resources: Intervention eBook: What to do if your child is drinking or using drugs; “Adverse Health Effects of Marijuana Use” by N. D. Volkow, M.D., R. D. Baler, Ph.D., W. M. Compton, M.D., & S. R. B. Weiss, Ph.D. in the New England Journal of Medicine (June, 2014); “Drugs: the Dos and Don’ts” in Yes, Your Teen is Crazy by M. J. Bradley

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