Roxane Lehmann, Ph.D.

Will Luke Be the Last Man Standing?

Season 4, Episode 16

The Framework

The verb “fall” and its various forms like “fell,” “falling,” and “falls” help shape the storylines of tonight’s episode. Claire heads to her college reunion and runs into the professor she fell for years ago. Phil, who’s supposed to be in charge while she’s away, keeps falling down. To be fair, he’s trying out some new frictionless shoes in anticipation of subbing on Jay’s bowling team for a tournament. Manny sings about falling flat on his face and picking himself back up. And Gloria falls and tweaks her ankle while reaching for a boa – something Mitch wants to borrow for the Oscar party he and Cam are planning.

Meanwhile, Cam is doing a movie-theme photo shoot so he can decorate their place for the party. Lily and baby Joe are his models. All goes fine until Lily glues a wig to Joe’s head because as she explains it: the “ Jane” Crawford wig kept falling off him. Mitch and Cam eventually cut the wig off – and with it much of Joe’s hair. Now they’ve got another problem: Who’s going to take the fall and tell Gloria?

Woven into tonight’s storylines about falling there’s a string of con artistry – all orchestrated by Luke. Both his sisters and Manny fall for one of his cons before the night is over. And with perfect sitcom logic, Jay becomes the fall guy for baby Joe’s haircut when Luke blackmails him by revealing that he’s on to how Jay’s team won the bowling tournament: They broke league rules by subbing in a pro.

As it turns out, Luke also knows a thing or two about breaking rules:

Luke (to camera): I have to get [a] letter signed because I failed my assignment on the Revolutionary War. I recreated the Battle of Bunker Hill using one of my old science projects. Seemed re-revolutionary to me…

Like all con artists, Luke has a good sense of timing. He has a knack for asking for things when his parents are busy or preoccupied. For instance, just as Claire is set to leave for her college reunion there’s this:

Luke: Hey, Mom before you go, you have to sign this for school. You don’t have to read it. It’s all boilerplate.

Claire: Honey, I’m running really late. Ask your dad.

And as a con artist, Luke can read people. He knows what makes his dad tick:

Luke: Hey, handsome. Can you sign this? Uhhh… You don’t need to read it. (He winks and nonchalantly points to the spot on the page where a parent’s signature is required.)

Phil: Never dooo… (As he grabs a pen and prepares to sign but doesn’t. Because just then the phone rings with bad news: Jay has found a better bowler to sub for the tournament.)

Flipping the Frame: My Notes

There’s no doubt about it. Luke is a good con artist. Most teens are. By the time kids become teens they can think abstractly, and they use their new, sharper thinking skills to their advantage. They can now understand the subtle nuances of interactions, so they can read people better and adjust their timing and their behavior to get what they want. And they can now articulate their ideas better, so they can manipulate the truth to talk us into things and lure us into thinking that we can trust them.

Teens can con us into thinking that they’re thinking like we do. But they’re not. Luke and his age peers lack experience. And they lack some of the brain development that allows adults to make wise decisions. Plus they don’t foresee consequences like we adults do. That’s why our teens need us to be their safety net – providing structure, monitoring, and guidance, as well as some explicit teaching to let them know what they need to do and why it’s important. And this explicit teaching is often best done through teachable moments.

Claire and Phil missed a teachable moment tonight when they failed to look at Luke’s fail notice. They missed a great opportunity to do some nudging and to rethink some of their parenting tactics.

But what if they had taken a look? How could they have responded in a way that might make a difference in the way Luke thinks about school and his schoolwork?

Here are a few ideas that the Dunphys (and the rest of us) might want to consider:

• Be there when they fall. We have to be willing to sometimes let our teens make bad decisions if they’re going to learn how to make good ones. But we need to be paying attention so that we’re there as a safety net when they fall – to comfort them if they need it and to reassure them that they can indeed bounce back. Being a safety net also means holding them accountable. When our teens make mistakes (and they’re bound to), we need to help them take an honest look at where things went wrong, how they contributed to the problem, and what they need to do differently next time.

• Allow natural consequences. Even though the Dunphy’s (I’m talking especially to you, Phil) might be tempted to call the teacher and get Luke off the hook, it’s generally better not to. To be honest, it’s not just Phil. Many of us tend to think our job is to do everything we can to shield our kids from adversity. Yet when we over-protect our teens from hardship, they don’t get a chance to develop the ability to overcome failure. If we want them to have long-term success, we need be willing to let them do some struggling. A rescue will just make our teens dependent on us in a way that neither they nor we want. And the natural consequences will teach our teens a lot about organizing and prioritizing.

• Strike a balance between monitoring and autonomy. When our kids reach Luke’s age, many of us parents become more demanding about grades and test scores. At the same time we become dramatically more reluctant to make and enforce all kinds of rules, including rules about studying and doing homework. This drop in parental involvement and monitoring is probably due to our recognition of our teen’s need for autonomy. However, the drop is probably too much for many young teens – including Luke.

• Coax teens to look into the future. Luke and other young teens can benefit from thinking about what they might want to do for a career someday. One way to encourage this kind of teen thinking is to ask them to make lists of the things they like to do, the things they like to learn, and the things they value, as well as the things they’re good at – perhaps even better at than most kids their age. And then talk with them about how their combination of interests and strengths might be used in a career eventually.

Our teens may change their minds and head in a different direction more than once. But teens who can articulate where they think they’re heading (at least for now) tend to work hard at school and to take hobbies and other activities seriously.

The BottomLine

Tonight, just after falling and tweaking her ankle, Gloria proclaims: I am now the new mother – the “I don’t know how she does it lady.”

All of us moms are that kind of lady. We’re plenty busy. And, believe it or not, the messages we send our kids about our work affects how our kids think about their work. In fact, our day-to-day modeling is our highest form of influence in our teens’ lives.

If we regularly come home from work downbeat and crabby, we’re modeling that work is something to be avoided. And because school is our kids’ workplace, we’re likely to see similar behavior from them. So at the end of the day, it pays off to try to summon whatever energy we have left and share the highlights of our day with our teens.

Flipping the Frame: Your Parenting Experiences

• Why do you think the writers for the show had Luke fall at the very end of the show? Was it a comment about karma catching up with him? Or did it represent one of those inevitable teen missteps?

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Jay and Phil Both Go Overboard – One Overprotects While the Other Overlooks

Season 4, Episode 15

The Framework

Tonight is a party night on Modern Family. Claire and Phil have private Valentine’s party plans while their kids have their own secret party planned. Jay and Gloria keep close tabs on Manny as he parties with the popular kids. And Mitch and Cam host a party where neither keeps close tabs on anything. By the end, this Hallmark holiday episode was as much about worry as it was about love.

It begins with Claire and Phil out for a romantic evening. But just as things heat up, Claire passes out. After the doctor assures them that the problem is minor, Claire wants to keep the night going. Phil, however, is worried and wants her to rest. So they return home. But there’s no rest for the worried because shortly after they enter their bedroom, Claire hears voices downstairs:

Claire: Who’s that?!

Phil: You think the kids are home?

Claire: That sounds like more than our three! (And then as the music starts)
Ohhh… They think we’re not home, and they’re having a party. I’m killing them!

Phil (As Claire starts to get out of her sickbed): No. No. No. No. It’s my turn
to kill them.

And with that he heads down the stairs.

Phil (to the whole downstairs): What the hell is going on?!!!

Haley: Dad! What are you doing home?!!

Phil: So this is how it is. We’re gone for a minute, and you guys throw a party!

Haley: Nooo…

Luke (to Haley as he enters the kitchen without noticing his dad): Just texted Mom, “We’re having a great time at the movies.” Works every time.

Alex (to party guests just before she notices her dad): You know the drill;
coolers out ba (as she sees her dad) aack….

Phil: Enough!! Everybody who I did not create, get out of my house! Right
now!!!

Phil (as if to himself): I won’t get upset. I’ve been through enough tonight. (And then to Claire once he’s back upstairs): Kids had a few friends over. I handled it.

Meanwhile Jay and Gloria, who haven’t had time alone since the birth of baby Joe, spend Valentine’s Day trying to find some one-on-one time. Instead they get interrupted a lot – by the crying baby, by Lily, by the baby proofer (who came to add bumpers and gates even though they won’t be needed for months), and by Manny who has been invited to a party:

Manny: Best day ever! I just got invited to a Valentine’s Day party by a secret
admirer.

Gloria: You should go.

Jay: Sounds great! Go! (And then later after Manny is dressed and set to
leave for the party) What’s with the hat?

Manny: My secret admirer requested I wear a hat with a feather in it…

Jay: Really?! This secret admirer have any other requests?

Manny: Ahhh… Yes. She asked me to bring some poetry to recite at the party.

Jay: Uhhmmm… These uhhh… kids at the party – they wouldn’t be the
popular ones by any chance?

Manny: The most popular. Why?

Jay: No reason… Have fun.

But there was a reason. As he later confides to Gloria:

Jay: I’m worried about Manny. I think he’s being set up for some kind of
humiliation at the party… Ahhh, I think I got to check on him. There was
some kind of secret admirer getting him to…

Gloria: Bring his poems? He told me when I was lint rolling his jacket.

Jay: And you’re not worried it’s a prank?

Gloria: Of course, I’m worried. I worry about him all the time. But like you
said, we can’t protect them from everything. So I’m trying to let go a little bit.

Jay: That’s the hardest part, isn’t it? When you realize you can’t stop the
world from hurting them.

Flipping the Frame: My Notes

When it comes to our teens, we moms worry about all kinds of things. Some are serious cause for worry. Others, not so much.

And we worry for all sorts of reasons:

We worry because we can’t protect them from everything any more. Now that they’re teens and making many of their own decision, it’s no longer in our power to keep them completely safe.

We worry because we don’t want to be caught off-guard in case something bad does happen to them. We think we won’t be prepared for a calamity if we don’t worry.

Some of us give worry an almost magical power. We think that somehow our worry is what keeps bad things from happening to our teens.

And almost all of us would agree that we worry because we love our kids. We don’t want anything bad to happen to them.

The thing is all this worry can leave us perpetually anxious. And when we’re anxious, we’re more likely to parent by overreacting or underreacting.

When we overreact, we parent like a micromanaging boss. Sometimes we boss by overprotecting our teens with too many warnings and restrictions. Other times we try to control them with blame and shame. Regardless of our methods, attempts to maintain tight control and overprotect our teens can backfire. When we do our best to eliminate all the danger, we’re removing the very things that can help them grow into creative, courageous, problem solvers.

Tonight Jay and Gloria have doubts about Manny’s invitation to party with the popular kids, but they encourage him to go anyway. Because as Gloria says: We can’t protect him from everything. So I’m trying to let go a little bit. However, both she and Jay worry about things they can’t control and check on Manny with separate phone calls – calls that could have caused a less self-confident teen to feel incompetent. And for a more unruly teen (and most are more unruly than Manny), such efforts to overprotect and control can invite rebellion.

Sometimes, though, our worry can cause us to underreact. As we saw with Phil tonight, if we get too busy or too preoccupied with other concerns to deal with all the battles that are part of raising a teen, we can begin to parent more like a bystander. We begin to overlook things we shouldn’t by becoming too permissive or too dismissive of our teen’s bad behavior.

And let’s be honest, when Phil tells Claire that he’ll deal with the kids because as he puts it: It’s my turn to kill them, we should have expected an under-reaction. Phil parents more like a likeable friend most of the time. Perhaps it’s his way of compensating for Claire’s bossiness. And truth be told, many of us – in an attempt to avoid our controlling tendencies – occasionally overcompensate and become more like a friend to our teens. We so value our close relationship with them that we sometimes become reluctant to set limits or discipline them because we fear we’ll lose their love if we do.

The problem is that when we underreact we fail to adequately deal with bad behavior (like the Dunphy kids’ secret party tonight) that could go seriously wrong or might get seriously worse without our intervention. It was a big breach of trust for the kids to throw a party while Claire and Phil were out. Plus in many places there are laws that hold parents responsible for damages, injuries, and sometimes even the cost of the police response if parents haven’t taken steps to prevent the party. And from his kids’ comments, it should have been clear to Phil that they’ve partied like this before.

I think we’d all agree that Phil was wrong to think he’d handled the situation as he assured Claire that he had. And we can all empathize with Phil when he says I’ve been through enough tonight. But exhaustion doesn’t let him (or us) off the hook.

After clearing the house by yelling, Everybody who I did not create, get out of my house! Phil should have told the three he did make to clean up whatever they’d set up. And he should have made it clear that he’d be talking things over with their mom and that there would be conversations with and consequences for the three kids the following morning.

Even when we feel overwhelmed, we can’t just abdicate our role as parents (as Phil basically did). Because not letting our teens experience some negative consequences when they make poor decisions means that they miss out on key feedback that can motivate them to learn from their mistakes. Plus being too permissive sends a message of low expectations, inviting bad behavior.

The BottomLine

Early in the show Jay wonders aloud: When did everybody get so overprotective?

It’s tempting to be overprotective when our kids become teens. Even though they’re now bigger, stronger, and smarter than when they were younger, their chances of getting hurt – physically and emotionally – have gone way up.

Not worrying is not really an option. But our worry can cause us to overreact, putting our teens at risk. And if we underreact, we can put our teens in even more danger. So what’s a mom to do?

Thankfully, there is a way to put our worry to work for us. We can turn that potentially negative energy into constructive interaction and supportive guidance.

You can use your worry to:

• Anticipate what they can’t and help them fill in the holes. Listen to your teen’s plans, looking for the holes while staying open to their request. After listening, let them know what you’re most worried about and remind them that you take your job as a responsible parent seriously. Tell them that you’re not saying “no” right now, that you’re willing to think about it. Then relay that if they want to convince you to say “yes,” they need to consider your concerns and think ahead about other things that might go wrong and come up with a plan that will minimize those things.

• If you have to say “no,” shift to why. If they fail to come up with a convincing plan, it’s wise to shift the focus to the reasons why you had to say “no.” When you share your reasons for denying their request, you’re helping with your teen’s brain training by giving them a chance to see how your adult brain works. Plus you’re reducing the reasons they have for claiming your decision is unfair.

• Teach your teen that past behavior matters. If you say “yes” to their request, be sure they know that if they mess this chance up and give you reason to worry, it will definitely come up the next time they negotiate with you. All kids need to know that past behavior matters and putting them on notice that it does will increase the likelihood that they’ll behave in whatever they’ve just successfully negotiated for.

• Appeal to their self-interest. Tell them that it is in their own best interest to minimize the things you worry about because your worry affects them. Let them know that when you worry, you don’t sleep as well. And when you’re tired you’re more likely to say “no.”

Flipping the Frame: From My Life as a Parent

All teens need more than their own still-developing judgment to guide them. They all need our sturdy presence. But temperamentally different kids are affected differently by the same parenting. My two kids are a good case in point. My daughter seemed to be born with more than her fair share of delayed gratification and self-regulation. And I used to joke that my son must have been hiding when those two traits got handed out.

Thus, what would have been just the right amount of parental involvement for my son would have been overreacting when it came to my daughter. In fact, she would have resented it and probably rebelled. And what would have been appropriate for her would definitely have been underreacting for my son. He benefitted from quite a bit more structure and guidance.

Flipping the Frame: Your Parenting Experiences

• When it comes to your teen, what do you worry about most? Are these things you can control? Or are they mostly out of your control?

• All of us have a tendency to either overreact or underreact when our teens mess up. Which are you more likely to do? Does it depend more on what went wrong or how you found out?

• If you have more than one teen, do they (like my kids) need significantly different amounts of parental involvement?

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