Roxane Lehmann, Ph.D.

Manny Vies with Luke for the Phantom Lead

Season 4, Episode 14

The Framework

Tonight the action on Modern Family revolved around the word “play.” Haley and her boyfriend Dylan play house by babysitting baby Joe and Lily. Claire is there too, watching with concern as she overhears this exchange:

Haley: Having kids is fun!
Dylan: And easy.
Haley: Maybe this is what I should do with my life.

Meanwhile Mitchell, Jay, and Phil play golf. Jay who admits to being a bit of a drill sergeant when it comes to sports has put on kid gloves to coach Phil. But Mitchell, after six months of practice (and years of resentment), has taken off the gloves – or as he says, I was ready to kick my dad’s ass. And those are just the side stories. The lead story is about Cam directing a play.

Both Luke and Manny are involved in the play – a middle school production of “Phantom of the Opera.” And this lead story is basically about changing leads. When the student star gets mono, Manny lands the lead. That is until we learn that Luke, who’s been painting sets, can sing better. Then Manny determined to keep the lead, plays on Luke’s peer fears:

Manny: Look at the bright side. What if you don’t screw up, humiliate yourself, and get mocked forever.
Luke: Get mocked?
Manny: Only by the cool kids. But who needs them. You’re one of us now: the theatre geeks.

And with that, Luke refuses to sing. Cam considers playing the lead himself. Until he remembers it’s a kid production and begins coaching Manny for the lead:

Cam: Okay, Manny. Did you forget the notes I gave you? Or just choose to ignore them?

And then a bit later…

Okay, Manny, it’s no secret that you were not my first choice for this – or my second. But it’s not too late for you to make this your very own “Phantom.” So I want you to watch what Luke did and copy that.

Now don’t misunderstand. Cam doesn’t have it in for Manny. This is just his idea of directing. Here’s further insight into his style:

Cam (to cast): Okay. I’ll be recording today’s rehearsal, but don’t let that make you self-conscious. I’m only using it to pinpoint your mistakes.

In the end Luke takes the lead. He sings like a nightingale (as Cam puts it). And his father, who initially said he couldn’t make it because he was going to be busy playing golf, ends up attending the performance after all. Phil’s change of heart happens on the golf course as he listens to Harry Chapin’s “Cat’s in the Cradle” – a tearjerker about a dad who’s so busy that he misses all of the important moments in his son’s life.

Flipping the Frame: My Notes

Risk taking is at the heart of the teen storylines tonight: Claire hopes Haley will stretch and try new experiences before starting a family. And as Manny and Luke deal with the changing lead in “Phantom” (a lead that seems as elusive as a phantom), they too take risks.

Teens have to take risks. Risk taking helps them differentiate themselves from others and develop an identity. Taking risks lets teens test their boundaries and know what they’re capable of doing. Risks that go well can let them experience personal success – as Luke did tonight. And the risks that don’t pan out can help them build resilience – as Manny found tonight.

Risk taking is essential if teens are to grow into independent, productive adults. So it should come as no surprise that teens are hardwired to take risks. But those risks don’t have to be dangerous ones. In fact, although adults tend to link risk taking with negative behavior, most teens think that risk taking refers to positive activities that have a built-in challenge or risk for failure. These activities include things as diverse as taking an AP course, trying out for a sports team or play, mountain biking, rock climbing, asking someone on a first date, running for student council, and volunteering to mentor a young child.

According to recent research, this kind of positive risk-taking is associated with better overall emotional wellbeing. When compared to their peers, teens who take positive risks are more likely to describe themselves as responsible, confident, successful, and optimistic. They’re more likely to report that they often feel happy and less likely to report feeling bored or depressed. And they’re more likely to consider the potential negative consequences of dangerous risk-taking.

Interestingly, the research suggests that it’s the challenge level of the activity – not the number of activities that teens engage in – that makes the positive difference in their behavior.

The BottomLine

Although their peers come in a close second, teens say that they count on their parents more than anyone else to help them take the right kinds of risks and challenge themselves. And we want our kids to take those risks. We empathize with Claire’s wistful comment tonight as she watches Haley play house: Aim higher. Open yourself to new experiences…

And we can do more than wistful thinking. Here are some concrete things we parents can do to help. We can:

• Stay connected to them. Teens who report open and frequent communication with their parents about important issues are more likely to share their parents’ values and to try to live up to their parents’ expectations.

And it’s important we remember that being connected isn’t about occasionally going to coffee with our kids. Being connected is about talking, listening, and being available on a regular basis. As Harry Chapin’s “Cat’s in the Cradle” song reminds, it’s about being involved in our kids’ lives.

• Praise selectively. Notice what your teen is doing well and acknowledge it. Praise that hits the mark is of incredible value. It affirms your teen by underscoring what they already know. But be careful about overpraising. Excessive or undeserved praise can lead kids to feel entitled – to come to believe that good things will automatically happen to them. Not because they’ve earned it, but just because they want it.

And when praise is earned, rather than giving a general compliment, be specific. Vague praise doesn’t have much effect, and teens can’t learn from it. Plus even though we’re our teens’ biggest fans, they’re not tops in everything. And we’re not helping them learn what they’re capable of doing if we imply that they are.

• Criticize Constructively. There are times when our teens can benefit from our honest, constructive criticism. But because teens are often ultrasensitive, especially when it comes to our judgments, it’s often difficult for us to be truthful without being hurtful.

And the hurtful memories can last a long time. In tonight’s episode Mitchell laments about how his father criticized his athletic endeavors as a kid: I wasn’t the best athlete growing up, and my dad never missed an opportunity to point that out: “Nice throw, Nancy!” Mitchell then pauses before adding: Nancy was our neighbor. I could never throw as well as she could.

How we relay criticism, however, can make a big difference. (Listen up, Jay and Cam!) Helpful criticism is done face-to-face; it’s done in private; and it never attacks the character of the person. If teens believe that their failure is due to some unchangeable flaw, they’ll lose hope and stop trying. Plus character attacks put teens on the defensive, meaning they can no longer listen to what we have to say.

Helpful criticism deals with the specific problem at hand. It points out what the teen is doing well and what they’re doing poorly. Helpful criticism holds out hope for doing better. And it suggests a plan for doing so – perhaps pointing out possibilities or alternatives the teen did not know were there.

Flipping the Frame: From My Life as a Parent

We don’t want our kids to settle for less than they can be. And when fear is holding them back, we parents can help them tip the balance back in the right direction. My daughter taught me a lot about this.

I learned that I could be most supportive by initially helping her unpack her resistance, saying something like “You seem kind of nervous. What are you most worried about?” I’d then stay quiet and listen to her anxieties. And once she’d had a chance to air her worries, I’d remind her of her resilience and past successes under similar circumstances. Here’s an example of what that reminder sounded like when she was about 14-years-old and anxious about an upcoming ballet recital:

I know you’re nervous about the dance recital on Saturday. But I feel certain you will get through it successfully. Remember last year before the recital you felt the same way. You weren’t certain at all about one of the dances, but you got through it beautifully.

Before the recital started, you were uncertain – afraid you’d forget something or even fall. You had a stomachache and your throat hurt just as they do now. But you danced exquisitely, and when it was over you talked about how much you enjoy performing for an audience.

You’ll get through this, just as you have before.

The technique of listening to their worries and then reminding them of their past successes is a powerful way to support them – whether it’s a recital, a competition, or a big test. When our kids are feeling anxious and full of doubt, they can benefit from our support. Even if it’s just a few positive words: You can do it. You’ll be exactly enough! I know you will.

Flipping the Frame: Your Parenting Experiences

• How could Cam have done a better job with Manny? What could he have said that would have been honest without making Manny feel inadequate?

• If Luke were your kid, how would you have praised him for his performance in “Phantom?”

• Have you found a way to give your teen honest feedback without being hurtful? If so, what’s the hardest thing for you to get right? For me it was keeping my eye brows from going way up. How about you? Is it your timing? Your facial expression? Your tone of voice? Your words?

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When our kids become teens it’s time to give up our role as their managers and start parenting like proactive consultants. To be successful at our new job, we need to stay connected to our teens. Because if they are to learn how to make good decisions and do the right thing, they need our input more than ever.

Sounds easy enough. But there’s a catch. Teens see their job as extending away from us and getting to do what they want to do. And because their brains are wired to reward risk taking and to underestimate bad consequences, for them, getting to do what they want to do really boils down to dealing with us, their parents.

How we respond to this challenge depends on the parenting style we use. Whether we take a micromanaging boss, a permissive friend, or a proactive consultant approach, our parenting style forms the mostly unconscious stance we take when we interact with our teens. And as the curfew example below shows, our stance affects how our teens think and act in response.

Teen: There’s a party I want to go to on Saturday night. It’s going to be awesome!

Parent: You know the rules – parents have to be home and you have to call in if your plans change.

Teen: That’s fine. But the party is after the game. So can I stay out until 1:00?

Micromanaging Boss Stance

Parent: What?! 1:00 in the morning? That’s after the city curfew! Absolutely not!!

Permissive Friend Stance

Parent: I don’t know, sweetie. That’s pretty late. Let me think about it.

Teen: C’mon. This is a big deal. Everybody is going. And I really want to go. Pleeeeease!

Parent: All right, I’ll let you go. But you’ve got to promise me that you’ll come straight home after the party.

Proactive Consultant Stance

Parent: I don’t know, sweetie. That’s pretty late.

Teen: C’mon. I’m a good kid. You know I almost always get home by my 11:30 curfew.

Parent: That’s true. But there are reasons why you have an 11:30 curfew – most of them having to do with your safety.

Teen: Yeah, but remember the couple times you’ve let me stay out past my curfew? I handled everything just fine. I think I’ve earned this by following the rules and being responsible.

Parent: I’m willing to think about it. But if I let you stay out that late, I still need to be a responsible parent. And 1:00 is after the city curfew. So what are you willing to do to assure me that you’ll stay safe and follow the law if I let you stay out that late?

Teen: How ‘bout this? I’ll check in at 11:30 just so you’ll know I’m okay. Then instead of driving home after the party, I’ll get a ride with Sam – he always gets picked up by one of his parents. That way I won’t be breaking the city curfew law. And I’ll even come home two hours early on Friday night so you won’t have to stay up late on both nights.

C’mon. You know that’s a pretty good deal for you. And I won’t mess-up. I promise.

When we fear that they will go in the wrong direction, it’s natural to respond by trying to hold on to them tighter. When we worry, all of our instincts tell us to become a micromanaging boss. We give lots of warnings, lectures, and restrictions. Under this regime, teens learn that to get to do what they want, they have to outwardly acquiesce and then sneak and lie to get around us. And if they run into problems, they’ll be reluctant to seek our input. Instead, they’ll have only their own instincts (and those of their like-minded friends) to guide them.

Sometimes, to avoid becoming a micromanaging boss or to steer clear of all the battles, we overcompensate. We so value the close connections that we’ve established with our teens that we turn into a permissive friend. We become reluctant to set and enforce limits, putting few demands on our teens’ behavior and giving them more freedom than they’re ready for. Under this system, teens learn that if they pester us long enough, we’ll say yes to just about anything they want to do. And if something does go wrong, they don’t get a chance to learn from their mistakes. Instead, they let us worry about the consequences. After all, we let them do it – not because they’d earned the privilege with their past behavior but just because they really wanted to.

Neither the micromanaging boss nor the permissive friend styles of parenting get the level of control right. Micromanaging bosses stay involved but act like they own the controls with their default set on no. Permissive friends stay connected but surrender control entirely, saying yes even when the answer should be no.

Proactive consultants stay connected to their teens and gradually relinquish control as their teens earn more freedom choice-by-choice and deed-by-deed. When proactive consultants have to say no, they shift the conversation to why. By sharing their reasons for saying no, these parents let their teens see how their brains work. And by sharing their concerns they are helping to train their teens’ brains.

Parenting like a proactive consultant is a lot of work. It is much easier to be a micromanaging boss or a permissive friend. But a huge body of research says the effort is worth it. The evidence overwhelmingly shows that teens with parents who act like proactive consultants are at an advantage. These teens are more open to their parents’ influence. They get a better chance to hone planning, negotiating, and problem solving skills. This adds to the teens’ self-assurance and ability to withstand stress and negative influences. And these teens learn that past behavior matters – something that all kids need to learn.

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