Roxane Lehmann, Ph.D.

Manny Vies with Luke for the Phantom Lead

Season 4, Episode 14

The Framework

Tonight the action on Modern Family revolved around the word “play.” Haley and her boyfriend Dylan play house by babysitting baby Joe and Lily. Claire is there too, watching with concern as she overhears this exchange:

Haley: Having kids is fun!
Dylan: And easy.
Haley: Maybe this is what I should do with my life.

Meanwhile Mitchell, Jay, and Phil play golf. Jay who admits to being a bit of a drill sergeant when it comes to sports has put on kid gloves to coach Phil. But Mitchell, after six months of practice (and years of resentment), has taken off the gloves – or as he says, I was ready to kick my dad’s ass. And those are just the side stories. The lead story is about Cam directing a play.

Both Luke and Manny are involved in the play – a middle school production of “Phantom of the Opera.” And this lead story is basically about changing leads. When the student star gets mono, Manny lands the lead. That is until we learn that Luke, who’s been painting sets, can sing better. Then Manny determined to keep the lead, plays on Luke’s peer fears:

Manny: Look at the bright side. What if you don’t screw up, humiliate yourself, and get mocked forever.
Luke: Get mocked?
Manny: Only by the cool kids. But who needs them. You’re one of us now: the theatre geeks.

And with that, Luke refuses to sing. Cam considers playing the lead himself. Until he remembers it’s a kid production and begins coaching Manny for the lead:

Cam: Okay, Manny. Did you forget the notes I gave you? Or just choose to ignore them?

And then a bit later…

Okay, Manny, it’s no secret that you were not my first choice for this – or my second. But it’s not too late for you to make this your very own “Phantom.” So I want you to watch what Luke did and copy that.

Now don’t misunderstand. Cam doesn’t have it in for Manny. This is just his idea of directing. Here’s further insight into his style:

Cam (to cast): Okay. I’ll be recording today’s rehearsal, but don’t let that make you self-conscious. I’m only using it to pinpoint your mistakes.

In the end Luke takes the lead. He sings like a nightingale (as Cam puts it). And his father, who initially said he couldn’t make it because he was going to be busy playing golf, ends up attending the performance after all. Phil’s change of heart happens on the golf course as he listens to Harry Chapin’s “Cat’s in the Cradle” – a tearjerker about a dad who’s so busy that he misses all of the important moments in his son’s life.

Flipping the Frame: My Notes

Risk taking is at the heart of the teen storylines tonight: Claire hopes Haley will stretch and try new experiences before starting a family. And as Manny and Luke deal with the changing lead in “Phantom” (a lead that seems as elusive as a phantom), they too take risks.

Teens have to take risks. Risk taking helps them differentiate themselves from others and develop an identity. Taking risks lets teens test their boundaries and know what they’re capable of doing. Risks that go well can let them experience personal success – as Luke did tonight. And the risks that don’t pan out can help them build resilience – as Manny found tonight.

Risk taking is essential if teens are to grow into independent, productive adults. So it should come as no surprise that teens are hardwired to take risks. But those risks don’t have to be dangerous ones. In fact, although adults tend to link risk taking with negative behavior, most teens think that risk taking refers to positive activities that have a built-in challenge or risk for failure. These activities include things as diverse as taking an AP course, trying out for a sports team or play, mountain biking, rock climbing, asking someone on a first date, running for student council, and volunteering to mentor a young child.

According to recent research, this kind of positive risk-taking is associated with better overall emotional wellbeing. When compared to their peers, teens who take positive risks are more likely to describe themselves as responsible, confident, successful, and optimistic. They’re more likely to report that they often feel happy and less likely to report feeling bored or depressed. And they’re more likely to consider the potential negative consequences of dangerous risk-taking.

Interestingly, the research suggests that it’s the challenge level of the activity – not the number of activities that teens engage in – that makes the positive difference in their behavior.

The BottomLine

Although their peers come in a close second, teens say that they count on their parents more than anyone else to help them take the right kinds of risks and challenge themselves. And we want our kids to take those risks. We empathize with Claire’s wistful comment tonight as she watches Haley play house: Aim higher. Open yourself to new experiences…

And we can do more than wistful thinking. Here are some concrete things we parents can do to help. We can:

• Stay connected to them. Teens who report open and frequent communication with their parents about important issues are more likely to share their parents’ values and to try to live up to their parents’ expectations.

And it’s important we remember that being connected isn’t about occasionally going to coffee with our kids. Being connected is about talking, listening, and being available on a regular basis. As Harry Chapin’s “Cat’s in the Cradle” song reminds, it’s about being involved in our kids’ lives.

• Praise selectively. Notice what your teen is doing well and acknowledge it. Praise that hits the mark is of incredible value. It affirms your teen by underscoring what they already know. But be careful about overpraising. Excessive or undeserved praise can lead kids to feel entitled – to come to believe that good things will automatically happen to them. Not because they’ve earned it, but just because they want it.

And when praise is earned, rather than giving a general compliment, be specific. Vague praise doesn’t have much effect, and teens can’t learn from it. Plus even though we’re our teens’ biggest fans, they’re not tops in everything. And we’re not helping them learn what they’re capable of doing if we imply that they are.

• Criticize Constructively. There are times when our teens can benefit from our honest, constructive criticism. But because teens are often ultrasensitive, especially when it comes to our judgments, it’s often difficult for us to be truthful without being hurtful.

And the hurtful memories can last a long time. In tonight’s episode Mitchell laments about how his father criticized his athletic endeavors as a kid: I wasn’t the best athlete growing up, and my dad never missed an opportunity to point that out: “Nice throw, Nancy!” Mitchell then pauses before adding: Nancy was our neighbor. I could never throw as well as she could.

How we relay criticism, however, can make a big difference. (Listen up, Jay and Cam!) Helpful criticism is done face-to-face; it’s done in private; and it never attacks the character of the person. If teens believe that their failure is due to some unchangeable flaw, they’ll lose hope and stop trying. Plus character attacks put teens on the defensive, meaning they can no longer listen to what we have to say.

Helpful criticism deals with the specific problem at hand. It points out what the teen is doing well and what they’re doing poorly. Helpful criticism holds out hope for doing better. And it suggests a plan for doing so – perhaps pointing out possibilities or alternatives the teen did not know were there.

Flipping the Frame: From My Life as a Parent

We don’t want our kids to settle for less than they can be. And when fear is holding them back, we parents can help them tip the balance back in the right direction. My daughter taught me a lot about this.

I learned that I could be most supportive by initially helping her unpack her resistance, saying something like “You seem kind of nervous. What are you most worried about?” I’d then stay quiet and listen to her anxieties. And once she’d had a chance to air her worries, I’d remind her of her resilience and past successes under similar circumstances. Here’s an example of what that reminder sounded like when she was about 14-years-old and anxious about an upcoming ballet recital:

I know you’re nervous about the dance recital on Saturday. But I feel certain you will get through it successfully. Remember last year before the recital you felt the same way. You weren’t certain at all about one of the dances, but you got through it beautifully.

Before the recital started, you were uncertain – afraid you’d forget something or even fall. You had a stomachache and your throat hurt just as they do now. But you danced exquisitely, and when it was over you talked about how much you enjoy performing for an audience.

You’ll get through this, just as you have before.

The technique of listening to their worries and then reminding them of their past successes is a powerful way to support them – whether it’s a recital, a competition, or a big test. When our kids are feeling anxious and full of doubt, they can benefit from our support. Even if it’s just a few positive words: You can do it. You’ll be exactly enough! I know you will.

Flipping the Frame: Your Parenting Experiences

• How could Cam have done a better job with Manny? What could he have said that would have been honest without making Manny feel inadequate?

• If Luke were your kid, how would you have praised him for his performance in “Phantom?”

• Have you found a way to give your teen honest feedback without being hurtful? If so, what’s the hardest thing for you to get right? For me it was keeping my eye brows from going way up. How about you? Is it your timing? Your facial expression? Your tone of voice? Your words?

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Phil Takes Over His Kids’ Problems

Season 4, Episode 13

The Framework

Tonight’s episode begins with the three teens in the Dunphy household each struggling with their own problem:

Alex: I’m having my sweet 60’s-themed birthday party next week… Karen Sullivan heard about it and decided to have the same party. Tonight!

Luke: I accidentally called my teacher “mom.” My friend Ruben went around and told everybody.

Haley: Our neighbor is out of town, and she’s paying me to move her car on street cleaning days… How do I tell her that I snapped a branch off her beloved lemon tree?

Their father, Phil, offers to help, but it’s clear that the kids would prefer the help of their enforcer mom. Like Alex said: She gets results.

And with that, Phil – who obviously thinks of himself as a problem solver – springs into action, determined to earn some respect from his kids by taking care of their problems for them. He does a quick drive-by (Literally!) of each teen’s problem, trying to solve each with his charm. But he fails miserably. Here’s how Haley summed it up: Dad tried to fix all our problems and instead ruined all of our lives.

Phil is not done yet, though. He does an about face, going from a kill-em-with-kindness mode to “mob” methods of revenge. And with a logic that only works in sitcoms, everything that got worse is resolved in the end.

Flipping the Frame: My Notes

On the night Haley went to jail, we were reminded of the wisdom in helping our teens learn to solve their own problems. As Claire pointed out, if we keep solving their problems for them, we may find ourselves supporting them for the rest of their lives. Tonight’s Godfather-esque episode went to ludicrous lengths to clarify this pearl of wisdom: It’s not just that we shouldn’t solve our teens’ problems, it’s that we can’t.

When our kids were younger, we could solve their problems. We controlled all the action: We decided what they did, when they’d do it, and with whom. But with teens, we are no longer totally in-charge. And because we have less control, we have a lot less knowledge about their social lives, making it virtually impossible for us to solve our teens’ problems for them.

Now, it’s not that we’re supposed to be uninvolved. In fact, the largest and most comprehensive study of U.S. teens to date, found that feeling close to their parents is one of the strongest deterrents to dangerous risk-taking in teens. But study after study has shown that teens learn more and that the long-term outcomes are more favorable, when we guide their actions rather than try to control them.

Our new job, then, is to collaborate with our teens – to help them make good decisions and do the right thing. Seems manageable. Even straightforward. But there’s a catch…

Becoming independent is one of our teens’ most important developmental tasks as they grow from childhood into adulthood. Thus, their new job is to prove to us (and to themselves) that they don’t need us (or, at least, our direction and advice) anymore. That they can make their own decisions.

This means that the last thing teens want is a know-it-all parent: Someone who knows exactly how they feel before they’ve even figured it out themselves. Someone who always knows the answer before the question has even been asked. And it means that although we are a critical source of information for our teens – about relationships, values, sound decision making, and consequences of one’s actions – we are most influential when we help them to come up with their own answers.

BottomLine

We love our teens. We’re committed to them. And while none of us would endorse either of Phil’s unconventional approaches to helping his kids with their problems, we can identify with his real desire to help:

Phil: Guys, I’m right here. What do you need?

Like Phil, we want our kids to know that we’re here for them. And if they could tell us what they need, I think they’d often ask us to start by listening more.

We parents are often most helpful when we:

• Stay quiet and listen first. It’s tempting to jump in with quick advice and try to make everything okay or to scold them for getting themselves into such a mess. But we are most effective when we let our teens talk and vent first without trying to intervene.

Our quiet presence tells our teens that what they’re struggling with is a tough problem – that we don’t have an easy answer. And it tells them that we believe in them and respect their growing maturity and independence.

Sometimes our quiet presence is all they need. Sometimes all that will be left for us to do is to affirm their ability to solve their own problems and to support what they’ve decided to do.

• Ask questions. At other times our teens need a bit more than our silence. In these instances, instead of telling them what to do, try asking questions that will help them clarify their own thinking and explore the problem with your support:
– Can you tell me more about…?
– What have you already tried?
– How do you feel about…?
– What makes you think that…?
– Can you give me an example?

• Guide them to come to their own answers. Then use additional questions that will guide them to come up with their own answers:
– What do you think you should do?
– What have others done?
– How would that work?
– What would that look like?

• Remind them of their past success. One of the best ways that we can help our teens build confidence in their ability to solve their own problems is to be an historian of their past success. We can remind them of other similar problems – ones they struggled with before coming up with their own solutions that worked. Remember when… You weren’t at all sure that you’d be able to figure out what to do. But you did by…

Flipping the Frame: Your Parenting Experiences

• Are you the one in your household whom your teens turn to when they’re struggling with a problem? If so, why do you think they look to you?

• Have you found an especially good approach for supporting your teen when they’re struggling with a problem? What do you do?

• Has there been a time when your teen struggled with a problem and in the end came up with a solution on their own? As their historian, what words would you use to remind them of their past success?

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