Roxane Lehmann, Ph.D.

Manny Vies with Luke for the Phantom Lead

Season 4, Episode 14

The Framework

Tonight the action on Modern Family revolved around the word “play.” Haley and her boyfriend Dylan play house by babysitting baby Joe and Lily. Claire is there too, watching with concern as she overhears this exchange:

Haley: Having kids is fun!
Dylan: And easy.
Haley: Maybe this is what I should do with my life.

Meanwhile Mitchell, Jay, and Phil play golf. Jay who admits to being a bit of a drill sergeant when it comes to sports has put on kid gloves to coach Phil. But Mitchell, after six months of practice (and years of resentment), has taken off the gloves – or as he says, I was ready to kick my dad’s ass. And those are just the side stories. The lead story is about Cam directing a play.

Both Luke and Manny are involved in the play – a middle school production of “Phantom of the Opera.” And this lead story is basically about changing leads. When the student star gets mono, Manny lands the lead. That is until we learn that Luke, who’s been painting sets, can sing better. Then Manny determined to keep the lead, plays on Luke’s peer fears:

Manny: Look at the bright side. What if you don’t screw up, humiliate yourself, and get mocked forever.
Luke: Get mocked?
Manny: Only by the cool kids. But who needs them. You’re one of us now: the theatre geeks.

And with that, Luke refuses to sing. Cam considers playing the lead himself. Until he remembers it’s a kid production and begins coaching Manny for the lead:

Cam: Okay, Manny. Did you forget the notes I gave you? Or just choose to ignore them?

And then a bit later…

Okay, Manny, it’s no secret that you were not my first choice for this – or my second. But it’s not too late for you to make this your very own “Phantom.” So I want you to watch what Luke did and copy that.

Now don’t misunderstand. Cam doesn’t have it in for Manny. This is just his idea of directing. Here’s further insight into his style:

Cam (to cast): Okay. I’ll be recording today’s rehearsal, but don’t let that make you self-conscious. I’m only using it to pinpoint your mistakes.

In the end Luke takes the lead. He sings like a nightingale (as Cam puts it). And his father, who initially said he couldn’t make it because he was going to be busy playing golf, ends up attending the performance after all. Phil’s change of heart happens on the golf course as he listens to Harry Chapin’s “Cat’s in the Cradle” – a tearjerker about a dad who’s so busy that he misses all of the important moments in his son’s life.

Flipping the Frame: My Notes

Risk taking is at the heart of the teen storylines tonight: Claire hopes Haley will stretch and try new experiences before starting a family. And as Manny and Luke deal with the changing lead in “Phantom” (a lead that seems as elusive as a phantom), they too take risks.

Teens have to take risks. Risk taking helps them differentiate themselves from others and develop an identity. Taking risks lets teens test their boundaries and know what they’re capable of doing. Risks that go well can let them experience personal success – as Luke did tonight. And the risks that don’t pan out can help them build resilience – as Manny found tonight.

Risk taking is essential if teens are to grow into independent, productive adults. So it should come as no surprise that teens are hardwired to take risks. But those risks don’t have to be dangerous ones. In fact, although adults tend to link risk taking with negative behavior, most teens think that risk taking refers to positive activities that have a built-in challenge or risk for failure. These activities include things as diverse as taking an AP course, trying out for a sports team or play, mountain biking, rock climbing, asking someone on a first date, running for student council, and volunteering to mentor a young child.

According to recent research, this kind of positive risk-taking is associated with better overall emotional wellbeing. When compared to their peers, teens who take positive risks are more likely to describe themselves as responsible, confident, successful, and optimistic. They’re more likely to report that they often feel happy and less likely to report feeling bored or depressed. And they’re more likely to consider the potential negative consequences of dangerous risk-taking.

Interestingly, the research suggests that it’s the challenge level of the activity – not the number of activities that teens engage in – that makes the positive difference in their behavior.

The BottomLine

Although their peers come in a close second, teens say that they count on their parents more than anyone else to help them take the right kinds of risks and challenge themselves. And we want our kids to take those risks. We empathize with Claire’s wistful comment tonight as she watches Haley play house: Aim higher. Open yourself to new experiences…

And we can do more than wistful thinking. Here are some concrete things we parents can do to help. We can:

• Stay connected to them. Teens who report open and frequent communication with their parents about important issues are more likely to share their parents’ values and to try to live up to their parents’ expectations.

And it’s important we remember that being connected isn’t about occasionally going to coffee with our kids. Being connected is about talking, listening, and being available on a regular basis. As Harry Chapin’s “Cat’s in the Cradle” song reminds, it’s about being involved in our kids’ lives.

• Praise selectively. Notice what your teen is doing well and acknowledge it. Praise that hits the mark is of incredible value. It affirms your teen by underscoring what they already know. But be careful about overpraising. Excessive or undeserved praise can lead kids to feel entitled – to come to believe that good things will automatically happen to them. Not because they’ve earned it, but just because they want it.

And when praise is earned, rather than giving a general compliment, be specific. Vague praise doesn’t have much effect, and teens can’t learn from it. Plus even though we’re our teens’ biggest fans, they’re not tops in everything. And we’re not helping them learn what they’re capable of doing if we imply that they are.

• Criticize Constructively. There are times when our teens can benefit from our honest, constructive criticism. But because teens are often ultrasensitive, especially when it comes to our judgments, it’s often difficult for us to be truthful without being hurtful.

And the hurtful memories can last a long time. In tonight’s episode Mitchell laments about how his father criticized his athletic endeavors as a kid: I wasn’t the best athlete growing up, and my dad never missed an opportunity to point that out: “Nice throw, Nancy!” Mitchell then pauses before adding: Nancy was our neighbor. I could never throw as well as she could.

How we relay criticism, however, can make a big difference. (Listen up, Jay and Cam!) Helpful criticism is done face-to-face; it’s done in private; and it never attacks the character of the person. If teens believe that their failure is due to some unchangeable flaw, they’ll lose hope and stop trying. Plus character attacks put teens on the defensive, meaning they can no longer listen to what we have to say.

Helpful criticism deals with the specific problem at hand. It points out what the teen is doing well and what they’re doing poorly. Helpful criticism holds out hope for doing better. And it suggests a plan for doing so – perhaps pointing out possibilities or alternatives the teen did not know were there.

Flipping the Frame: From My Life as a Parent

We don’t want our kids to settle for less than they can be. And when fear is holding them back, we parents can help them tip the balance back in the right direction. My daughter taught me a lot about this.

I learned that I could be most supportive by initially helping her unpack her resistance, saying something like “You seem kind of nervous. What are you most worried about?” I’d then stay quiet and listen to her anxieties. And once she’d had a chance to air her worries, I’d remind her of her resilience and past successes under similar circumstances. Here’s an example of what that reminder sounded like when she was about 14-years-old and anxious about an upcoming ballet recital:

I know you’re nervous about the dance recital on Saturday. But I feel certain you will get through it successfully. Remember last year before the recital you felt the same way. You weren’t certain at all about one of the dances, but you got through it beautifully.

Before the recital started, you were uncertain – afraid you’d forget something or even fall. You had a stomachache and your throat hurt just as they do now. But you danced exquisitely, and when it was over you talked about how much you enjoy performing for an audience.

You’ll get through this, just as you have before.

The technique of listening to their worries and then reminding them of their past successes is a powerful way to support them – whether it’s a recital, a competition, or a big test. When our kids are feeling anxious and full of doubt, they can benefit from our support. Even if it’s just a few positive words: You can do it. You’ll be exactly enough! I know you will.

Flipping the Frame: Your Parenting Experiences

• How could Cam have done a better job with Manny? What could he have said that would have been honest without making Manny feel inadequate?

• If Luke were your kid, how would you have praised him for his performance in “Phantom?”

• Have you found a way to give your teen honest feedback without being hurtful? If so, what’s the hardest thing for you to get right? For me it was keeping my eye brows from going way up. How about you? Is it your timing? Your facial expression? Your tone of voice? Your words?

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The Dunphy House Rules

Season 4, Episode 11

The Framework

Jay takes all the adults – Gloria, Claire, Phil, Cam, and Mitchell – to a hotel in Palm Springs for New Year’s Eve. The kids are left at home with Haley in charge; Alex is her backup. And as fourteen-year-old Luke’s plans for the evening unfold, it quickly becomes clear that it’s he, and not the much younger Lily, who is going to give his babysitting sisters a run for their money.

Within minutes of Luke’s girlfriend’s arrival, there’s this interchange:

Becca: Can I see your bedroom?
Luke: Well, I didn’t clean it for me.

The two head upstairs to Luke’s bedroom, thrusting his sisters into the uncomfortable role of parent figures as they try to catch-up and handle a situation that is moving way too fast.

Alex: Did you know this was happening?
Haley: I don’t even know what this is…
Alex: They’re going upstairs alone. Is that even allowed?
Haley: I don’t know.
Alex: Should we say something?
Haley: Like what?
Alex: Like it’s not okay.
Haley: Well maybe it is.
Alex: Is it?
Haley: I don’t know.
Alex: I just feel like we’re not doing our job as babysitters.

Eventually, the sisters decide that they must take action.

Alex: They’ve been in there forever. Do something! You’re in-charge! …
Haley: Huhhh! Fine.

And with that, the two girls head upstairs to knock on Luke’s bedroom door, initiating this give-and-take:

Luke: What do you want?!!
Haley: You have to keep your door open.
Luke: Why?
Haley: Well, why do you need it closed?
Luke: Because we’re going to make-out.
Haley: Ohhh… Ummm… Well, you can’t have your door closed.
Luke: Why? Do you want to watch or something?! That’s weird!
Alex: Ewww!
Haley: Of course, we don’t want to watch!
Luke: That’s perfect.

As Luke goes back in his bedroom and closes the door, his sisters are left standing on the other side in disbelief:

Haley: But you can’t… What do you…
Alex: What just happened?

If you were keeping score, you’d definitely have to give that round to Luke. But his sisters aren’t giving up. They climb the stairs again – this time with a plan in mind and a basketful of laundry in-hand:

Alex: So what’s the plan, Haley?
Haley: I’m going in. That’s our baby brother up there. I’m not ready for this: for girls with hormones! It’s gross!
Alex: But we can’t just barge-in…

And they don’t. Haley knocks first. Then, there’s this:

Haley: I’m coming in!
Luke: What are you doing?
Haley: Just putting away some laundry.
Luke: That’s a bra! And a tablecloth!
Becca: Can’t you do this later?
Haley: Excuse me? Does your mother know you’re here?
Becca: Yeah.
Haley: Big pause. No eye contact. I was so much better at this than you. You’re out!
Luke: No she’s not!
Haley: Yes she is! It’s late. You’re thirteen…
Alex: Fourteen.
Haley: Fourteen, and unless Nicole Bitchy here wants me to call her parents and tell them she’s lied…
Becca: I’d better go. Bye, Luke.
Luke: Wait! Why does she have to go?
Haley: Because I said so.
Luke: You’re not the boss!
Alex: Don’t talk back to your sister.
Luke (stomping off): Ohhh! I hate you!!!

Flipping the Frame: My Notes

As I watched Haley and Alex try to fill their parent’s shoes for one night, I found myself comparing their conversations and debates with those you and I might have on any given night – in our heads, with our spouses, or with our kids – as we try to stay ahead of the teen action in our homes. Especially when we’ve not had a chance to clarify our thinking in advance.

Actually, the sisters weren’t that bad as stand-in parents for a younger sib – especially one who unexpectedly invites his girlfriend over and promptly takes her to his room. Truth be told, I’m not sure I would have done much better in my early years of parenting a teen. Since then, though, I’ve learned a few tricks of the parenting trade – things that we (and the Dunphys) can do to make teen entertaining in our households go better all around:

• Develop a clear set of rules for teen entertaining. This is particularly true when it comes to their bedrooms because teens tend to think of their bedrooms as their own space. And things get confusing and frustrating for them when it seems that we parents let them have privacy one minute and take it away the next. We can help them feel respected by always knocking before entering their room (Good job Haley and Alex!) and by having a clear set of rules in place about privacy – rules that take into account our values and their maturity.

– Some parents require that bedroom doors be kept open and the lights on when teens have friends over. Others decide to make bedrooms totally off-limits. And yet others require only that the doors remain unlocked. Wherever you draw the line, be sure your teen knows what you expect and that they know the values about sexuality your expectations are based on.

– Without clear knowledge of our values, our teens are on their own with only their peers and the media culture to guide them. So while your teen may still argue and resist the rules, at least they’ll understand the values they are based on and have your caring, adult perspective to draw upon for guidance.

• Establish a greeting ritual. Greet your teen’s friends in a way that will make them feel welcome and feel your presence. Make friendly eye contact as they come in the door and greet them with a hug, a pat on the back, or a handshake.

• Float in and out of the teen entertainment scene. Doing a chore like laundry that requires occasionally passing through or by the teen scene will work. But delivering intermittent snacks can often work even better as a disguise for your check-ins. With each delivery you can linger briefly to ask a friendly question and assess the scene.

• Handle rule breaking with dispassion. If a house rule is broken or if you suspect a rule breaking, it usually works best to pull your teen aside to state your concern and ask some direct questions. And if a transgression has occurred, make the call with as much dispassion as you can muster. If you lose your cool, there’s not much chance that your teen’s reaction will be what you hope for. Because they’re bound to see your actions as an attempt to embarrass them – especially if their girlfriend or boyfriend is witnessing the scene.

The BottomLine

Regardless of how we parent, our teens see their job as figuring out how to get to do what they want. And because getting to do what they want basically boils down to dealing with us, we are at our best as a parent when we have clarified our thinking in advance. Staying ahead of the teen action in our homes means that we have thought through our values and have clear rules in place based on those values. We can then be prepared to monitor and follow through with appropriate consequences if the rules are broken.

But sometimes, in spite of our best efforts, we’re forced to play catch-up, our reactions are slowed-up, and we end-up confused and feeling totally inadequate as a parent. These are the times when our teens are likely to respond as Luke did – stomping out and shouting that they hate us.

And I’ve learned the hard way, that these are the times when it’s best to let them have the last word. The times when it’s best to say silently to ourselves – what Haley said aloud, what she has undoubtedly heard her mother Claire say on more than one occasion: You hate me now, but someday you’ll thank me.

Flipping the Frame: Your Parenting Experiences

• Have you come up with any strategies that work particularly well for monitoring teen entertainment in your home?

• Do you thinking dating teens should be allowed to entertain in their bedrooms? Does age matter?

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